Horny

I am ridiculously horny. I don't have anything really funny or useful to say but I just needed to say it. This will be our longest time apart (me and c.) and I have a feeling I'm going to wear off the "life-like" surface of my favorite toy.

Hell I even fixed myself up this morning when I WOKE UP thinking I'd be fine for the rest of the day - but NOOOoooo it seems to have only made me WORSE. Brilliant.

Excuse me while I go hump something. (lol the word "hump" actually kind of freaks me out :P )

I Really Do Love This Blog

But ya gotta do whatcha gotta do sometimes.

Stupid love. :P

I'm not sure I'll show up much here, I won't lie, we'll just see how it goes - who knows? I'm gonna be at the MY OTHER PLACE though, so that's cool.

C yall round :)

Hey Hey Hello !

So I guess to go private but still have people read I have to E-mail each person and "Invite" them to my blog. After you're invited the first time you're in for good. You guys already probably know ALL of this but I didn't and so I'm sharing.

So, if you want to keep access to Danielle Is a Hor, email your e-mail address to me at -

lindy (dot) email (at) yahoo (dot) com

I'll add you and if I don't already have your e-mail address I'll pitch it, don't worry about getting shit from me, it would piss me off to get shit from you. SO ! That's that. I'm going to invite Sassy, Krissie, Jaybird and Patti because I actually still have their email addresses by some grace of god but the rest of you have to fend for yourself. Wait.......... Ok I've got Sgt. too. Sgt. if you're out there I'm going to e-mail you an invite. Hope you're doing ok these days. ( Hi ! )


I'm not going to go private for a couple of weeks so everybody will get a chance to getting around to doing this. Yes I want to make sure all 8 of you get your chance !! I'm wildly popular you know. :P

So e-mail me bitches and I'll invite you in when the time is right. Sorry for all the trouble but I gotta keep my Mexican yall.

And hey I'm starting to post on my New Place

So come on over if you want :)

A Times They Are A Changin

My new blog is a fledgling but it's up and ready to use and be seen. Like I said before, I've got to have something new, that C. can actually SEE and be aware of. :P

I've got more posts to add on, to make things make more sense to people that aren't familiar with me, but that will come. Basically though I cut and pasted a bunch of old posts from here about me & C. so people will have some background on us and not be like say WHAT?? all the time.

In the future I'll go on normally about Ghetto life and my insane family and C. and moving and work and laaa laaa dee da mexicans harrasing me at the laundry and me falling down and being a clutz, my peice of shit car or cats -ECT.

You guys, I've become quite attatched to some of you, hell a lot of you, but I'd like you to know that if you don't want to read the new stuff I start putting out there or don't want to link me or get bored with me - I understand. Like for real, this blog and my new one sort of have a gigantic elephant in the room that will be quite different.

I have so much MORE I can talk about now but there's that one thing.... oh yes SEEEXXXXXXXX that I won't be. C. is a beautiful man and feels that things like sex should be kept between two people. Yeeeeaaah, obviously I'm a tad different, and even if I never posted about US, it would still freak him out that I'm talking like a dirty dirty hor. He just wouldn't get it, and I love him enough to give it up and lock it down.

I'm going to leave this post up for a week or so and then I'm going to set this blog to private. Any of you regulars that I know just e-mail me when I do it and I'll be more than happy to let you in but for the sake of C. and I and our relationship it's gotta go underground.

My GAWD can I BE any more dramatic??? Shit !

So anyways that's that for now, I'm still going to come and visit my regulars and the people on my link list (I DO have a favorites bar thank goodness) so nothing like that will change.

OH !! And you guys? For real um... could you call me Lindy on my other blog? I KNOW that's SO NOT as much fun as hor, but how the hell would I EXPLAIN that to him? Like occaisionaly if you're playing and want to say "Listen here Mexican HOR" or something like that, that's funny and fine but otherwise, I'm just plain ole Lindy.

Hi.
Nice to meet you.

I hope to see some of you around in the future but if not, like I said, I understand and I'll see YOU on your blog. Except for you blog-less peeps but you know where I am (hi upstate!)

OH !! Here's the link !!! http://gringa-n-mexico.blogspot.com/

That would have been awesome to forget.
Ass.

Ugh, this is too much

I'm starting a new blog, C. still doesn't know about this one and since I'll be posting from home when I move to mexico I sort of can't use it for everyday stuff you know? I don't WANT to start a new blog, I LIKE mine damn it, (throwing hissy fit) but it's necessary.

(I guess I'll keep this one anyways because lord knows I'm not going to run out of sex stuff to say.)

But I want a different blog anyways, I want one to talk about everything it takes to move far from home and family and friends to another country. A place I can talk about mexico all I want and what happens there. I still want to be funny and write just like I write here, just without the sex I guess.

But GOLL DAMN SHIT HELL is it HARD choosing a new set-up !! FUCK ! Today I've created a livejournal blog, a wordpress blog and I've screwed around with my other blogger blog trying to find a template that suits me. I'd like to look more professional (why I don't know) but professional is boring. On wordpress there are some cool templates but on the ones I like you can only change the header picture and none of the colors! WHY the hell can't I change the COLORS??? Maybe I don't LIKE lame wordpress colors - blue, blue, blue, pink, white. Yay. Assholes. Livejournal seems worse so never mind them at all and I'm back to blogger.

I'm not smart enough to make a blog like THIS I don't know HOW the hell he did all that. Or THIS I mean REALLY? Just what the hell you guys. Shit.

Blogger gets a lame wrap and everybody BRAGS about wordpress but I'm not smart enough to make it work for me. I know how to turn my computer on, type and download a picture. Blogger is good for dummies like me but I wanted something cooler. And I don't even know WHY !! How stupid is all of this???

I need help. And a nap.

Off to the Range

I feel a lot better today. I've been running on about 5 hours sleep a night for around 3 weeks so last night after work I went to bed at promptly 5:17 p.m. I got up for work this morning around 5:45 and I feel like a new woman dang it.


SO !! After work I'm off to the shooting range. Yes, my new hobby of choice is handguns. For real though, last week I heard an ad on the radio about a shooting range like 2 miles from my house that actually lets you RENT guns and use their range.


I wondered what KIND of guns they have to rent so I went and checked it out. OH!! OHH!! HOORRRAYYYY!!! It's like a freaking AMUSEMENT PARK of guns!! Oh my gawwd I didn't even know a place like this existed! Every handgun you can think of, antique to brand new, rifles, shotguns, I don't know, just everything. Even a pump action sawed off looking shotgun thing. (it's hot) M-16's, AK 47, you name it they've got it. This must be some sort of NRA wonderland, I don't know how they can do it but they can and I'm in hillbilly heaven!!


With my Dad I've shot a pellet gun, a .22 rifle, a 4-10 shotgun, a 12 gauge and something else shot-gun-y. But I've never shot a handgun. And I've always kinda wanted to ya know? Well maybe you don't but I do. SOOOOO after drooling around the place for a bit I inquired about prices, shit my pants at how cheap it is, and got me some guns to shoot.

EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was SO FUN!!! I started off small with a .22 revolver then an antique .22 with a clip then a Walter P22 with a clip that I LOVED ! I was pretty accurate (which surprised me to great glee) had a great time and left feeling relaxed and full of joy. Can you believe I'm NOT a republican????


Next time I went I took my BFF Jaybird and hooked her up with my fav. .22. She was a complete crazy bad ass and unloaded her first clip in all of 4.5 seconds flat. After I picked up my jaw off the floor and cleaned the crap out of my pants I started cheering. The helper dude turned to me and said "Well . . . she's lethal." and turned back around. Ahhhaahahahhahahaah !! She went on to unload TWO boxes to my one into her target, all in her break-neck speed shooting style, and this is somewhere in the top 5 of my proudest moments for her. :)


I bumped it up a couple of notches and chose a comfy 9mm. Mmmmm I liked it better than the .22 but it was a lot more expensive to buy ammo for - SHIT ! From 3.50 a box to 15. Yowza ya know?


Anyhoo the range attendant dude - that sports a mullet btw which I instantly fell in love with - thinks I'm a little weird and at the same time very cool. He gives me some special attention when I go and pointers and stuff and THIS time with Jaime he casually asks me "Would you like to shoot my gun?" (lol *snort*) I asked what kind he's got and he unholsered his .45. .45 !!!! EEEEEEEE!!!! Holy Cripes !

I asked him if he thought it would knock me on my ass and he said no, that he's seen me shoot and know's I'll be just fine. (and the ego grows) So, scared but not one to be a sissy - EV-VER - I let him walk me through the in's and out's of it. And shot. MMMMmmmmmm Sat-tis-fac-shu-un!! It's recoil wasn't hardly bigger than the 9mm I had been shooting - to my great surprise, and I of course loved it. Obviously.


I wanted Jay-birds first shooting experience to be bad-ass so I offered her to shoot my gun - which of course she did cuz she's no ninny either. AND the dude let her shoot his gun after she came over to see what was up. SO cool !! I think he just liked having some hot chicks hold his gun but what-ev, I'll shot his $.50 a bullet ammo any time :P


After my first time going I started making my own targets - you don't have to buy theirs. Before I went with Jaybird I drew up some fun targets - the bastard taxi driver from a few posts ago - HAAA!!! Asshole!! - My ex-boyfriend (in the form of a monkey), The gramma that disowned me (in the form of a pig) that I got between the eyes - TWICE ! A clown (also got him between the eyes *takes a bow* And another gramma that sux (in the form of a snake.) I'd never draw a real person, it just seems too wrong, but I'll have fun with goofy 2-yr-old-drawings representing them. (ok and for real? Mullet-Man actually ASKED me if my preshcooler drew the target for me ! when I told him I don't have kids he totally made fun of me, and HE WEARS A MULLET!)


SO anyhoo I'm off in a couple of hours and I'll be heading over to shoot up some targets I printed off the internet (poor lil bunny fu-fu doesn't stand a chance) with a work pal of mine. He's never shot a gun so I'm pretty excited for him. Next week my gal-boss and our other gal-pal are going and then my Mama's gonna give it a try. Welcome to my hillbilly side. :)

And for REAL guys and gals, if you've never done anything like this I can probably SWWEEAARRR that you'll like it. So many people are afraid of guns but really, if you get yourself educated on them and learn how to use one, it just might make you feel a little better. So go out and find a range!! Come On !!!! Live a little, do something different !


And I'll be damned if I can think of a better way to blow off some steam !! Well. . . lol maybe one. ;)

Latex Allergies

"Well who the fuck knew? No shitting WAY!!"
That's what I thought to myself standing in my bathroom last night.
Let me explain.


I'm a clumsy some-beotch, always have been, scrapes and cuts a part of my everyday life you know? What I remember most clearly though, not the cuts and scrapes, but the damage done to me by bandaids. For years and years I just figured that the red painful pissed off skin that was left behind from bandaids after my cuts were healed was from pulling them off. It always hurt SO MUCH to pull them off, but it hurt everyone right? Nobody likes having their hair pulled out. It wasn't until I was 16 or so and realized that the adhesive parts of the bandaid were leaving rashes and welts on my skin WEEKS after the skin was healed.


I'm a tad slow, it takes me a while to figure things out ok? But who ever heard of being allergic to freaking BANDAIDS!?! REALLY?? Ok so lots of people but not my back water-ass. I stopped using the bitches and found other ways (scotch tape and gauze) of dealing.


When I was 22 and wanted to try the birth control patch I never even THOUGHT about the whole allergy thing. Oh man, I went 3 weeks on that shit and had 3 giant square scars on my arms for about 6 months after I realized that the fucked-up-skin left behind after tearing them off miiiggghhhhhtt not be right. (Please insert "Retard At Play" sign here, drive carefully please)

Gawd ANYWAYS last night standing in the bathroom I read the box of my newly purchased Sensitive Skin Bandaids. They're strange kinda crappy bandaids so I was reading the box trying to figure out why they cost so much but actually work for me.

It said "For sensitive skin, LATEX FREE."

"Latex free? Huh? I thought it was adhesives that were fucking me up all these years. Wait, don't they make those creepy sounding Lamb Skin condoms for people with latex allergies?"

.......

. . . . . . . . .

A few more thinking dots later and I said out loud to my cats "Oh NO FUCKING WAY!!!" It all came together in my head like a big slushie rush. "NUH UHHHH!!" "SHIT !! "

You see, I always get sore if I have sex more than a few days in a row. And not even rough sex all the time, or marathons for that matter, just regular in-and-out-roll-over-luv-ya sex. I figured it was normal you know? Like, the lady flower can only take so much and then needs a break, no biggie. But I've heard about OTHER people having sex everyday without problems. I figured maybe my lady flower was just a pansy, I even tried "working through it" a few times to toughen her up but it always resulted in failure.

But the last two times I went to Mexico? I didn't have to use condoms with C. and while my MUSCLES were sore, it wasn't the same kind of sore as usual. I thought it was really nice but didn't think TOO much into it. In the back of my head somewhere I thought maybe it was the texture of condoms or something that had been messing with me, but brushed it off.

And then I read the box of bandaids last night.

Latex. Not adhesives, LAAATTEXX!! No. Fucking. Way.

I mean REALLY?? I'm 26 freaking years old and I JUST FIGURE THIS OUT!!???!! FUCK! No fucking WAAAYYYY!! Can you BELIEVE this??

I just, I just . . . shit.

So can I have everyday sex now? And not be SORE?? How COOOOLL would that be? Holy Shit! And EEEEEEEEEWWWWW do I have to wear Lamb Skin condoms? Ew. Gross. I won't eat goat in mexico let alone Menudo, and I certainly don't want to get it on with a baby lambs SKIN or intestine or what ever the fuck that shit is made of. Eeew.

GAWD I for real can't believe this whole thing though. It's just nuts. I'm really glad my brain caught up with my ass long enough to have a gigantic epiphany, but wow, just wow. Anyways, this isn't the most fun or amusing post in the world but I wanted to make sure if there is possibly anyone else on earth as dumb as me that maybe they'll google something someday and perhaps be helped by this post. IF there is anyone as retarded as me - it's obviously debatable.

Really though, no fucking way !!

Astroglide Update

If you've read more than a couple posts here you know that I love Astroglide. No, I'm not a product endorser or any shit like that, it's just that I masturbate a lot and I like to do it in style.

That said I HATE KY brand, it's stupid and last all of 7 seconds. I hate store brands they last about 4 seconds. Vaseline is stupid, I don't know what you boys are thinking with that and so is lotion, lotion is dumb.


Astroglide is made out of some synthetic god-knows-what but if my Vagina was a car and it was oil then I could go 10,000 miles between oil changes. (just like my ghetto car, poor car)

ANYWAYS I'm writing today because I used up my last bottle of wonder-lube, when to ye ole Walt-Marks to get another and *GASP* noticed a NEW product made by Astroglide. OOOooooooooo was your hor excited!! I couldn't imagine how they could possibly improve on their product and I just HAD to try the new stuff.


Well fuck fuckity fuck.


Dear Astroglide,

You suck. Your new product sucks.

I'm so very disappointed that you

took your wonderful creation

and made it suck.

Sincerely pissed that this sucks,
-Hor


Astroglide GEL. Don't bother, don't even think about it. It has the consistency of GOOP, that's the only word for it, GOOP. It's Goopey, too thick and lasts all of 8 seconds. Your poor little clit or schlong will dry up in no time flat and you'll be stuck GOOPEY and unsatisfied, having to re-apply and re-apply until the job is done, at which point you will be SO goopey and pissy and sticky that you will immediately want to take a shower and write a blog rant.


-Or so I've heard-


Luckily they still carry the regular brand so I won't have to you know, like, freak out or anything. Praise the Lawd.

Single Life and Food

Besides lack of sex there's been a few other changes in behavior in the Ghetto home front. C. liked to have real meals - like home cooked - every day for dinner, and usually the left overs for lunch the next day. It was fun cooking with him, he teaching me new things and vice versa and tweaking my old recipes to make them edible for him. (I.E. add a jalapeno pepper to anything and he'll eat it)

But since he's been gone it seems I've gotten lazier and stranger in my eating habits as time goes by. Last nights dinner?

*Ate a few handfuls of dry cheerio's out of the box standing by the kitchen sink

*Decided I wanted to try that can of Marshmallow Fluff that's been in my cupboard since he left, opened it and fingered out a few test runs. -marshmallow-ee, nice- (this time standing by my stove)

*children's F. Fry @ BK while posting

*Spaghetti made solely in the microwave


That microwave spaghetti was downright FANCY for me as of late. Usually I would have just went back to the cherrios and scrounged up a piece of dry bread or can of peas or something.

I'm a friggin gourmet when it comes to the microwave. Last week I needed real food and figured out that if I microwave my pasta in a bowl with water - and put a bunch of broccoli on TOP of the water, that the water will cook the spaghetti and steam the broccoli. Add in some garlic Parmesan sauce from the can and sprinkle some REAL parm. reggiano over the top and we're talking good shit!!

But yeah, usually it's cold spaghettios from the can with a plastic spoon if I'm wanting fancy. Hell the day before yesterday I had two bottles of water, a bag of combos and a diet ice cream bar.

I might need a multi vitamin.

It just doesn't rate high on my to do list when I'm alone I guess. What about you guys? You all that live by yourself, do you cook real food everyday? Microwave dinners eaten over the kitchen sink? Cheetos on the couch? I could live on cereal alone if I wasn't too cheep to buy milk.

Anways, that's just what I was thinkin about here eating lunch at work (some dry bread, a diet cola and some cherries) I don't know what's up with Websense but it let me on today so that's cool. I think I'm just bored. Hi. *tap* *tap* Anybody there? What's you eatin?

Not So Pissed - Because My Brother ROCKS

I had another ranting post about the two cabbies in Texas who told me that to drive me one and a half miles away from the airport to the gas station (to get some allergy meds that the damn airport didn't carry -REALLY??? Not even friggin Benadryl????SHIT!) that it would be no less than $20. $20 to go a mile and a half. I took an advil.

Anyways I had a whole bunch of rage saved up from that but just as I was about to post it my step mom called. At some point during the conversation she put my little brother on the phone, and all my rage disappeared. He has that affect.

D. - he's 18 years younger than me, 8 years old. He's Autistic, borderline they call it - not completely cut off from the world but has some things . . different about him. I'm not going to say he has some abnormal behaviors or some handicaps, that's all bullshit, he just works different than some others.

ANY WAYS, enough disclaimer. He was doing his thing talking AT me on the phone when his mom broke in and said "D. Tell sissy about earlier today when you were being a baby and was mad at mommy." Usually my lil bro would ignore her and go on talking at me or actually relay the event.

But today- HA! Today I loved him more than ever before and was SO PROUD of his response!! OMG I love this - He took his little 8 year old hand, tried to cover the phone and said "MA-AAAAHHHHMMMMMMM I was NOT being a BABY, I was TRYING to DO something and you bothered me! Ughhh!"
And THEN ignored her and went on talking.

Ah, Ahhh BWAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAH aahhhh ah ahahahhahaha you guys this might be nothing for you but for me it was one of the greatest things I've ever heard him say.

You see, that little gesture of hand and bratty back talk are so TYPICAL, so pre-teen, tween, what-have-you, that it warmed my heart a degree higher than any taxi driver can lower it.

For all that I stand up for my brother - and always will - in his defense that he's not handicapped but just different - I still cheer for him every time I see him do one more typical kid thing. It's typical and "normal" behavior that the world trusts and the typical and "normal" that doesn't get ostracized or fucked with so much as "abnormal." Don't hate me for wanting the world to be as "nice" as it can be to him.

Oh gawd I'm so terrible at this. I'm just trying to say that I love him 100% the way he is but I'm glad for him when he learns something like all the other kids - whether it's how to look someone in the eye and let them have a turn speaking - or being a BRATTY kid and being embarrassed by his mom.

D. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! You'll never read this (ok maybe if you're like 30 and married) but I was so happy for you today, so damn happy that you showed one more trait just like your little "normal" bratty friends. I hope you keep all the neat things about you that are so YOU, but I'm rooting for you and so impressed every time I see you learn something new, lol or ages-old. :P


No rant tonight, I'm too happy with the world again.

XOXOXX's to bratty kids everywhere.