Bean Sex

Ok so I work for an bulk agricultural supply company. We're kind of high-tech hillbilly. Anyways last fall my mom gave me a "Magic Bean." It's a big-ass pre-packaged bean that when grows, is supposed to have a magic message/fortune written on the first leaf that grows. They make it happen with lasers and some smart shit that I'm not intelligent enough to explain.

Any-freaken way, I brought my bean to work, it grew, and I got my secret message. It said "Sweet Dreams." I was damn glad I brought the thing to work because I wouldn't be able to sleep with it in my apartment. Sweet Dreams sounds like a creepy threat to me, and I'll be damned if I'm going to be killed by some weird ass bean ju-ju shit.

By the way, I feel like I need to say that I don't make it a habit to bring in a bunch of cutsie crap to proudly display to work. It was actually a little bit of a joke to everyone because I am the only one working here that wasn't raised by a farming family. I know jack about farming. Ok

Oh God, back to the point. The people I work for give professional farm advice, they tell farmers what to use on their crops, fertilizer, pesticides, blah blah. Anyways, my boss gave me advice on my bean plant. He told me what kind of our fertilizer to give it, re-pot, ect. I did all this shit and one day I come in to work and it had a bloom! Two days later it had little tiny bean pods growing. How cool, I was all excited and my co-workers were happy for me and my Jesus Christ bean.

I remember something about pollinating from school, you know like how plants need to swap pollen to have baby plants? Well I've only got one damn plant, and it managed to re-produce. My boss was surprised but then mentioned something about self-pollination. Cool so my plant has sex with itself.

So it keeps growing, the pea-pods are all huge and happy but . . . empty. I asked my boss, about it cuz I kind of wanted to re-plant with the beans I would get. He walked up to my plant, and seriously felt it up. He came back and told me that it didn't properly pollinate, that in fact it DID need to get it on with another bean. He and another salesman were laughing at me so I got a little pissy and said "For Gods sake, what the hell do I know about bean sex ?!" (thank-god my boss is cool) He just laughed some more and went about his way.

My bean had a false pregnancy. I'm bummed because I was looking forward to having in-bred bean grandchildren. Its still growing it's barren pod ass off, and I'm not sure what to tell it. I'm pretty sure a barren bean is pretty bad advertisement for our company but they haven't asked me to take it home yet. That's what those bastards get though. This is their area of expertise, they should have hooked me up with some In-Vitro advice. My bean would have been a single mom, but she would have had a loving and supportive extended family.

Oh well, it might be barren but at least I know it's cool enough to have sex with itself. There's just no shame in that.