Year End BASTARDS

Year End has made everyone go insane. Therefore I have an equally insane work load. I want to BLOG YOU BASTARDS!! I laid awake last night just thinking up blog entries and am trying to figure out a way to post from the damn fucking LIBRARY this weekend so that you won't all hate me for never posting. Work is a beotch but I've got to pay for my Ghetto home and my Ghetto Slut cars.

I miss you dirty hors, Happy New Year ok?

Ok. I'll be back.

A Laugh at My Expense

For those of you who've got some experience here's a giggle and for those that don't, here's some "advice." Gather round chilins while ye ole hor tells you about an early experience with sex that led to my first experience with the lady flower doctor.

Have you ever "lost" a condom? Sometimes shit just happens for some reason or another and a condom CAN fall off of a guy and end up in the hither-to-regions of the lady-parts. The first time it happened to me and my-partner-at-the-time we completely freaked. We were inexperienced and stoopid but mostly stoopid and we totally flipped.

My fingers weren't long enough to reach far back enough into my lady flower to capture the sought after rubber - at least I don't think. I say "think" because back in those days I was nervous and a bit squeamish about digging around in my lady parts. I guess we all start somewhere. I got my partner to go spelunking for treasure with his much longer fingers but HE couldn't find anything either. Them be some sneaky buggars them rubbars. (GAAARrrr I feel piratey.)

At that point we did a frantic search of the area thinking maybe it had flown off somehow and landed underneath the bed or amongst the covers. - Nope - So back to digging for treasure. Nothing. NOW, at this point we SHOULD have just laughed, went about our business, resumed activity or whatever else and just plain waited for things to "Come on Down!" Yes chilens, if you wait a bit things will sort themselves out - for the dim folks like me out there - if you wait, the condom will. come. out. PLUS there is this neat little thing called the cervix (the back wall of your vagina) that keeps foreign objects from finding their way up into your guts. It's a nice little door with a great bouncer that really only opens up to let babies out. Ingenious.

But I didn't KNOW that at the time. Well, I knew about the cervix but I didn't know that the condom would find it's way home. Soooo we called my doctor. (we were really freaking by this point, and we were young, but yes, you may start laughing now) We spoke to a nurse of whom COULD have told us just to calm down and wait things out, but NOOO, NOOOOOO nurse idiot ran with our freaked-out-ted-ness and told me that it could cause an infection if it didn't come out and that she could get me in for an emergency appointment in like 3 hours. Oh. MY. Gaawwwd, I can be half dead of strep throat and those bitches won't be able to get me in for a WEEK and she could get me in, in 3 hours for a missing CONDOM? In hindsight I guess they must have been having a rare, slow period, but at the time it only added fire to the pile of idiot that I already had going.

So yeah. We (yer damn right I made his ass go) went to the doctor, I had my first shoe-horn experience and she plucked the buggar out in about 4 seconds flat. Of course seeing our high level of inexperience and retardedness the doctor figured we could use a good sex a-talkin-to. She actually brought out a MODEL of the vagina and pointed out to us the cervix and the fact that the condom wouldn't have ended up in my uterus. (oh my gawwwwdddd that was embarrasssiiinngggggggg) SHE also informed us that the condom would have most likely come out on it's own and the the BIG SCARY infection the nurse mentioned wouldn't have taken place for quite some time. (thanx nurse BEOTCH!) She widdled down our previous fear and molded it into a lovely statue of hang-your-head-down, put your tail between your legs, and head on home - shame.

She's my lady flowers regular doctor now and we're pretty cool. I actually SWITCHED from my other doctor. My other doctor is very smart but also young and hot and it would freak me out to have a hot chick up in my flower. I prefer the older lady even though she knows I used to be an idiot. There's just something comforting about the fact that I know for-a-fact she was my gramas doctor too. If she was rooting around in my 89 yr old grama then I'm pretty sure nothing I've got going on is gonna freak her out. But she DOES still treat me like a retard sometimes. (all things considered, maybe that's not such a bad thing)

SASSY AND KRISSIE

I'm a bastard and never send out cards. For real I don't even send out Christmas Cards to my family. I tried to one year and actually had them filled out and in envelopes and everything but three years later they were still in my desk. I thought about sending them out THAT year but after going through them and realizing that half of them were out of date (people died, divorced, pets died) I figured that my self-drawn family caricature portraits just sort of wouldn't go over well any more. Nothing says Merry Christmas like seeing a caricature of your dead cat and beotch of an ex-wife.

BUT!! This year I've actually found a couple of gals that if I could have got my act together I sort of really would have liked to have sent cards to. And in FACT they actually sent ME cards. (because they're not deadbeats like me)

SO! Since it's way to late for my stuff to get to TX and Krowayshuh I've decided to follow suit on Krissies Birthday Card and keep em homemade. So here's to SASSY and KRISSIE
The superest of gals :)



THE FRONT

THE MIDDLE


AND THE BACK

Don't be shocked but I didn't "Paint" the back. I know, my skillz ARE super, but I wanted only the best for you :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRISSIE!!!!!

I'm a retard and didn't send a REAL card so I made you a Paint card. Here's the front -

Here's the inside.




And here's the back. Sorry it doesn't say Hallmark on the back but I figured you'd get over it. :)

Happy Birthday Darling!

How do you cure a Hangover?

Is it a hangover if only your head hurts, ya know like a headache? Or do you have to feel sick? I'm not sick but my heeeaaaaddd hurts. I guess I could just take a tylenol but I'm sort of too lazy to go find one. Isn't there something about if you drink enough water while you're drinking the alcohol - or drinking a bunch of water before you go to sleep - that's supposed to help?

Even if it does help IS there anyone out there who's gonna say, "Oh my, excuse *burp* me friends, I can't take that next shot with you till I finish my H2O. Wait just a minute."

Last night I couldn't even finish a drink and there was another one waiting and opened by my side. My co-workers are thoughtful like that. Very nice people. Very nice people that like to drink and damned if they don't know HOW to drink.

Ahhhhh my FAVORITE line from last night came playing some Texas Holdem with my #2 boss, our token "mexican" worker, the crazy old guy that I love, and C. The crazy old guy was cranked that he was losing and blurted out "God Dammit, I can't play against Mexicans, you guys all stick together." After my #2 boss could breath again she informed him that his theory was flawed because F. isn't a REAL mexican, just a pretend one. F. is great and yeah looks mexican, but grew up here. Some days he's white other days he feigns black and last night he was flitting back and forth between a gay black man and a strait white man. (all while speaking in spanish to C.) I really do love my co-workers.

MMmmmmmm one of our cool sales guys brought in a drink called a "Topper." Maybe there are lots of "Toppers" out there, I have no idea, but this one was YUMMY! He took Captain Morgan (a 3/4 shot of) and topped it with Peppermint Schnapps. (1/4, 1/3 or 1/2 a shot of) MMmmmm it came out kind of buttery and minty! I was afraid because I'm not a fan of the taste of hard alcohol but this combination did something neato and mixed the two together into something quite palatable. Annnd I would imagine, headache inducing.

Rudolph Was a Pussy

Ya know what? I hate this shitty "cartoon." It's terribly un-american and you can all send me as much hate-mail as you like but I will lie no longer.
It's a bunch bullshit wrapped up in fake Christmas Spirit and it pisses me off. It used to scare the crap out of me when I was a little kid. I'm not going to let my kids watch it until (they're conceived) they're old enough not to be confused by the gay elf and scared shitless by the BUMBLE.

No, I don't have a problem with Gay people or Gay elves but that crappy Hermie or what ever just pissed me off, even as a kid. Little bastard with his "I'm different, I'm too good to make toys." Fuck off bitch, somebody needs to make toys and that's what your ass was BRED for. Okay, fine, fine, if he wanted to be different so badly he should have stood up for himself in the beginning instead of crushing and humping on a reindeer and running away from his problems. Show some Gay pride and spirit ya little bitch! Start a union, write a petition, buy some better shoes and get a PARADE! Pansy.

And Santa? What a friggin piece of work! Yeah, Rudolph shouldn't have been a Pussy but at least Santa could have been a tad more on the ball and have been keeping track of what his prized venison were DOING on the playground. God it reminds me of getting made fun of in school and the teachers turning a blind eye. Did he not even NOTICE that his Training Drill Sgt. Reindeer was also Gay (but had obviously been in the military where they tried to beat the gay out of him but all it did was turn him into a very angry repressed asshole?) God Santa, ever hear of a back ground check? That fat fucker was lucky that Rudolph didn't turn to video games and Marilyn Manson and go all ballistic on their asses.

That whole ISLAND of misfits were a bunch of retards too. Had they never heard of a traveling circus? They could have cashed in! OKAY geeeez, and if they wanted to be LOVED by children and HAD to be toys then why didn't they march for equal rights? They could have marched, sued, had sit ins and instead of sitting around crying like bitches could have been having righteous we're-changing-the-world-free-love-SEX! Aahhhhhh! Freakin dumb asses.

THIS guy. Well ya know I'm not even sure what to say about him. All I know is that he always gave me a weird feeling and kind of creeped me out and every time I watched him lick that damn pick-axe it creeped me out a little bit more and I wanted to run and hide kind of the way that you would from a creepy drunk uncle. I just.... never mind this guy. *shudder*

The bumble really DID scare the pants off of me when I was little. I didn't GET that he only had two brain cells and his whole deal was that he had a bad tooth, all I ever saw was his big scary ass teeth and his big blue creepy lips. In my version he EATS the damn elf and shits a rainbow.

AAAAnd Rudolph. He should have emancipated himself from his asshole repressive father and gone to live with that sweet piece of ass Clarice. (Heelllo Claariiiiccee, (sorry can't help it) AND when the snow storm came and Santa came begging for help - like the big bitch that he was - Rudolph SHOULD have told that asshole to Fuck Off. OR he should have at LEAST friggin negotiated for a decent 401 K and Salary. I'm guessing by Clarice's choice in accessories and mascara (where can I buy THAT shit?) that that sweet ass didn't come cheap. He should have been thinking ahead. Good gawd she was already planning on a fur jacket (thank god she was planning to kill the evil bunnies) dummy, But NOOOoo - "You like me, you really like me!" Douche bag, grow a set.

MAN-nerisms Thirsty After Sex?

Maybe I don't get it because I'm not a man and I don't ejaculate but ya know it seems like I come up with my fair share of liquids during sex too. Okay I guess I should explain.

I'd say about 89% of the time C. has an absolute NEED to get up and get a glass of water (and btw he hardly NEVER drinks water - naughty boy-) anywhere from a half second to 10 minutes after he's spent his cash. (came) It's like that lill teaspoon parches the boy dry and he feels the need to run to the nearest water source and re-fill his engine. I don't get it, I don't get thirsty afterwards, hell I'm happy to fall right into a serotonin induced coma and call it macaroni.

Yeah, I've read/heard/seen SOMEWHERE, hell if I can remember where, that some guys have the need to participate in some sort of ritual like this right after sex, because they're overwhelmed with all of the emotional stuff and need a way to escape for a minute.

But I really really don't think that's the case with him. He's all about the lovey-dovey crap. I think? Well at least he does a damn good job of placating me or pretending if he's not. And it's not like it's a problem but sometimes it's kind of a buzz-kill. I try not to be too clingy or anything but damn it I like a good CUDDLE afterwards. And yeah he does give it to me but I like to go right-in-to-it and not have him immediately leap from the bed and head to the kitchen. Will it kill him to wait 10 minutes?

Damn it the JUST afterwards after-glow is the best time and I don't want to waste even a couple of minutes of it alone with my cat. The damn cat stays out of the bed during any sort of play but if he vacates she'll move in for the steal. Sometimes he'll wait a few minutes and by then I'm all cozy and've got that super comfy position all rooted out and settled in aaannd -OFF he goes.

I'll give him credit though, sometimes when he KNOWS that he's gonna be getting some action he'll actually bring a glass of water and set it next to the bed. That's another reason why I don't think it's an emotional thing because that way he doesn't actually have to leave.

I wonder if this is another one of his weird beliefs that come out of nowhere every once in a while. Maybe he thinks that if he doesn't drink water right away that he won't have anything to make more lil solders. (or gawd knows what I'm afraid to ask;) Or could he REALLY be THAT thirsty EVERY time? Is this a thing that happens to every guy? I wonder if he does it after some self-manipulation-time? Does he have a mis-thread thirst nerve that's connected to his ejaculate nerve? WHAT IS THE DEAL???

Tell me. Someone please fill me in here, just what IS this? Guys? Are you out there? Gals? Anybody recognize this?

Sick Hor and Strange Mexican Stuff...again

I've been the only office person here at work for the last two weeks and earlier this week I started getting an ear infection. An EAR infection??? What the SHIT I haven't had one of these since I was twelve. Oh ugh. Anyways, I can't go to the doctor because I have to stay here and hold down the fort and all of my holding the fort hours mirror doctor hours.

Half of my head hurts like a friggin beotch and one of my warehouse guys just offered to bring me in some antibiotics his sister brings back from Mexico every year. I had no idea but I guess a lot of people DO that. I won't be able to get to a doctor till Monday when they come back and I'm considering taking him up on his offer. Oh my. Sometimes my job is a tad ridiculous.

Speaking of sick, C. blasted me with yet another one of his weird Mexican beliefs again last night. I thought we were DONE with those! Ahahaa I guess not.

He had been out in the cold for a few hours putting on new heat tape to our pipes and when he came in I just about had dinner done. I told him to go take a shower and eat and he just looked at me like I was insane and told me that he COULDN'T take a shower yet. He said that when you come in out of the cold you have to let your body warm up gradually and that if you jump right in to a hot shower it WILL make you sick.

Oh lord. Just, what the hell.

I tried to explain to him that it's a Virus that makes a cold, not temperature change (for like the 5th time) but he was REALLY not having it. I even got a little pissy and told him that maybe he should try and listen to the person that has lived her ENTIRE life in a place where half the year is winter-wonder-land and that I JUST MIGHT know what I'm talking about. But no. Texas boy is sticking to his guns.

What the hell do they TEACH kids down there in the Texas school system? For lands sake I've seen his H.S. diploma, you'd think he wouldn't have so many weird voo-doo beliefs. Eventually he told me to just never mind and that he can have his (freak) opinion and I can have mine.

That's dandy for now but God help us if we ever make some half-breeds.

Busted Ugly and Stray Hair Foreplay

***Second Update - OMG you all the UPS truck just showed up like it does every day but today it was a DIFFERENT GUY. We ALWAYS have the same guy. Maybe old guy couldn't take the pressure of having to face me. Omg. Ah well, the new guy is HOT. ****

*****Small update/addition - To the gals who commented here to me about their own "stray" issues I'd just like to say Thank You. Thanx for being cool and calm and brave and helping me to feel like I'm not the only one with these buggars in all the wrong places. It honestly means more than I even thought to have you share. Thank You.*******


My bosses and our salesmen are gone for the week so it's just me and our warehouse guys here to hold down the fort. The guys are outside in the shop doing what they do and I'm finished with my stuff for the day. We don't have too many customers this time of year and I've got a window facing out to where people pull in so I figured I'd be fine.

Anyways I got bored with the internet (omg right??) and decided it'd be a good time to fix my face. I'm not sure when the last time I did a good plucking was so I went in the bathroom, washed my face, got out my 5x mirror (what you don't carry one in your purse?? hey at least I save the 10x for home,) grabbed my tweezers and went to town.

I was deep in plucking-mode-thought (do NOT overtweeze your brows do NOT overtweeze your brows.....again) and caught site of one of those terrible little monsters called a "Stray Hair." Those buggars are real assholes, and ESPECIALLY when they're not on your FACE! Let me tell ya, there's nothing like being in the middle of some good and heated up foreplay or even just naked cuddling and having your man stop, cock his head (the big one ;) and say "Hey you've got something here." "Let me brush this off." "It's not brushing off, I'll grab it." "OH." "Uh."

*silence*
*female boner - diminishing*
*going*
*going*
*gone*

Yeah and then for him to mention it - well, mentioning the LACK of it existing any longer, the next time things are heated up - is REALLY not the best of ideas. Take note men: Forget it EVER existed. And really? If you notice it before or during sex? Un-notice it and let us find if for ourselves if you want to continue current activity.

Anyways, on to today. I was in full on pluck mode and noticed a NEW stray, Yay, FUCK. GAWD, I already have a weird one that comes strait out of my forehead and one by the inside of my nose and one on the damn SIDE of my face and now on my CHIN? AAAGgggg My chiny-chin-chin? Fuck you stray hairs. Fuck you and the follicle you grew in on.

Back to it. I got over my initial pissed offtedness and was going in for the kill on my new little friend(s) on my bastard chin when my glass sliding door slid open and I was greeted by none other than my UPS man. Well, by my UPS man and an uncomfortable look that I've yet to see him display until today when he happened on me with a mirror in one hand and tweezers in the other hovering over my CHIN area. Aw Hell. Ya know I probably wouldn't care if he would have busted me plucking my eyebrows. I just sort of don't care about that. But this is different.

And damn it, it was my REGULAR UPS man, the one that comes almost every day. SHHHHIIIIIITTTTTT. From now on he'll pull up to my stop and think, "Okay, just don't look chin-girl in the eye, wait no, don't look at her CHIN, god don't let me look at her chin."

Sorry UPS man, we had a really nice detached "How bought that weather" thing going on and it was great. Sorry I had to ruin that for us. Maybe someday you'll grow some strays in your ears and we'll commiserate. I'll be able to recommend some really good tweezers.

From THANK YOU TO SASSY to Sex With My Sister

Disturbing much? I'll explain in a minute.

But FIRST. OH MY GOSH omygoshohmygosh *running-in-circles- running-in-circles* Sometimes when I get REALLY excited I run in circles and glee "ohmygoodnessohmygosh" like Cartman on South Park, partly for comedic affect and part because it's fun and amusing and makes me even MORE happy to be doing something goofy. Sometimes I run back-and-forth really fast (that way I don't get dizzy.)

Ohmygosh I'm still not over it!! SASSY sent me a birthday gift! Holycowholycowohmygosh. And it's CLOTHES oh bejeesus I LOOOVVE clothes! I really really DO! And she sent me some!! Oh holycrap and they FIT! (PSSSST my mom can't even buy me clothes that fit, she's never been able to, bless her heart, but ne-ver.)

Oh lord oh my gosh and they're CUTE!! EEEEEE!!!! Sassy I totally got the "Cute as a button" joke - AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH oh, ohmygosh that is SO friggin funny. Ok so it DID take me like 14 minutes for it to sink in, but I DID get it and when I did I bought fell out of my standing position. AHAHAHAHHAAH If you don't know what I'm talking about then read THIS POST (and our comments) and you'll get it.

She sent me a cute as shit Graphic Tee AND a warm and fuzzy and comfy sweater shirt and a HILLBILLY Birthday Card! HAHAHAHAHHA it's so funny it has butt crack and EVERYTHING!!. OOOO!! And Sassy did you notice the freakin neato neckline on the fuzzy shirt? I've never seen anything like that before and when I did I was like "Ooooo that's gonna look funny or fit weird or something" But OHMYGOSH then I tried it on and it's so COOL! It's interesting and FLATTERING! Where has this neckline BEEN all my life? OHHH and the colors match so I can layer the fuzzy shrit under the t-shirt and wear it right now even though it's cold out! How sweet is that? Actually I really love layering shirts (it's the only cool thing I know how to do - literally.)

BTW we DO have one of those stores around here but since moving here I've never been to it because I didn't know what it was (hahahaha I thought it was a sporting goods store GUFAWW) and now I'm TOTALLY going to be taking my butt down there because if a woman that I've never met in real-life can find me two perfect shirts (ohmygoshohmygosh let's run in circles a tad more) than I'm thinking I'm gonna LOVE this place!

The last couple of weeks have been SO fun! I got to send off a couple things of my own and I received a post card all the way from CROATIA from KRISSIE How freakin neato is THAT? CROATIA!! That's totally far away!! And she wrote a really sweet note and it made me feel all good and stuff. I'm just flabbergasted.

And now this ! OH dear Sassy thank you so much. I just, my goodness I'm not even sure how to handle myself except for

THANK YOU FOR TOTALLY MAKING MY

WEEK! I'll never-ever forget this.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, on to a tad more serious subject. I WANTED to put up pictures of myself modeling my new Sassy Clothes but there's this whole Anonymous thing. OKAY and my digi camera fell in my cats water dish and I didn't know it for 2 hours so it's sorta dead and I'm waiting for my new one to come (yay warranty.) But there's another reason. And it starts with the second half of my title.

Freaked-OUT WACK Google searches that people are coming to me by. Cuz Wow and Damn.

At least once a DAY I get someone coming my way by the search of "I had sex with my sister" Or "Sex with my sister" or "Anal with my Sister." FUCK FUCKING SHIIIIITTTT Leave you DAMN SISTER ALONE YOU DISTURBED ASSHOLE!!! And quite frankly I don't even know how these people are getting here because I've never even MET my sister let alone had sex with her and WROTE about it. Eeeaalllkkk, go get counseling or a prostitute, your choice but leave your sister ALONE.

THEN there are the "Boy" searches. Ya know I was going to write a few of them out but I just can't. I don't want to repeat what I've seen or have my blog pals read it so I'm just going to leave it to this -
THERE ARE NO BOYS HERE, GET THE FUCK OFF OF MY BLOG YOU SICK FUCKING FREAK AND GO GET SOME HELP SO YOU CAN SEARCH FOR ANAL SEX WITH WOMEN LIKE A NORMAL MAN. SHOOOOOO!!!

Okay, now. On a lighter note, how many of you agree with me that this next search was actually made by a man and not a woman? "I need a man to give me anal." Riigggghhhhttt cuz there's a girl REALLY searching for that. AHahahah I'm pretty sure it was a GUY trolling for his dream dirty girl.

OOO!! Here's one that I actually kind of liked. "Older women giving blow jobs." Okay so yeah he's a dirty guy looking for porn on the internet but hey! At least he's trying to stay in his age group and is giving "Older" women credit. (well ok or he's a younger guy with a fetish but HEY go girls, pick that boy UP!

Alright, now on to Question and Answer time!
"How to use a love bunny Sex Toy" - Darling you came to the right place! Get some fresh batteries, some GOOD lube (not crappy store brand lube) turn that baby on and do what EVER makes you feel good with it. There's no right or wrong (as long as it's LEGAL) when it comes to sex toys. You just buzz and rub and maybe poke that thing around until you've found what makes yo lady-flower HAPPY.

"Do girls like anal Sex?" - No. UUUUuuugghhhh okay okay so some CLAIM to but whatever, YAY for them I guess but for me and most of the people I know, NO. Do some women do it with their men just for the heck of it and to spice things up once in a while? Yeah, but I'm not saying they LIKE it.

"Where to hide Dildos?" "Where can I hide my dildo" - The safest harbor for ANY dildo is a safety deposit fire-proof lock box. Ok OR you can get one of those cheaper lock boxes that people use for petty cash. Just make sure it can lock and then just make up something about keeping something important like old diaries or doubles of family photos (something your man or roommate won't CARE about enough to try and snoop. You can get these boxes pretty cheap at Walmart so go for it. Oh, and hide your key in a big ole box of tampons, he's not gonna go there.

"What does a blowjob taste like?" Go HERE and then to HERE and be sure to read the comments from my blog pals because they know stuff.

Last but not least I'd like to say "Sorry Dude" for the many MANY leads I get here from people searching for "Hash." I prefer Hashbrowns these days and my pot days are over but HEY sometimes I'm funny so come back when you're in giggle-mode, bring your Funyuns and settle in for a bit. AND for all of the "Men giving Men blow jobs," and such, sorry wrong site. Nothing against it, but I'm just not a man so I guess I sort of don't have what your looking for.



HAHA okay so it DOES make me kind of laugh that gay guys have to deal with with their partners looking for porn in the internet just like strait women do. I know it's evil, but haaaaaa. Okay, sorry.

MAN stole BLOW-UP Dolls. I could have done much better

THIS GUY Went on a crime spree in an Adult Toy Store and only managed to steal Blow-up Dolls.

Douche-Bag! He didn't bother to take videos, magazines or even freaking LUBE! What a dildo. Shit it's near Christmas, he could have at least picked up a few things for his friends and family while he was at it. It was FREE, geez he really could have gone all-out. What a plug.

I (if I decided to knock off a toy store with my pellet gun) would take one of every kind of lube so I could sample them all. That'd be fun. (Ok and I'd take ALL of the Astroglide cus it's the SHIT!) Then I'd go to the hi-priced dildo's and grab two of each. TWO because I could try them all out and give away the other set to my friends.

Ooo and I'd get a whole bunch of those dirty board games and doo-dads and party favors so I'd never have to shop for an engagement party again.

AND I'd grab up a bunch of the dirty Christmas cards cuz my mom thinks those are funny. How do I know that? Gaahhh in a past life I actually took my mom to the "Toy" store -WITH the guy I was with at the time - yes I have no shame. I wanted to show her "The Fist" and the big giant black dildo's cuz I thought they were hilarious but all she wanted to do was pick out cards to send to people. Ah well, can't blame her. But yeeeeaaahhhh that was a fun time when she saw the butt-plugs and I got to explain why they weren't just funny looking dildos. Good times.

Wait, I wonder if he was into the lesser known blow-up dolls -
Maybe he was just to ashamed to buy what he REALLY needs to get off. Ah well, he must be a couple batteries short an orgasm if he doesn't know about internet shoping. Too bad for him!


What a bone-head.

Ladies and Gentlemen I HAVE Arrived

Oh lordy. Ok here's the thing, my boss - she's smart as hell, went to a fantastic fancy school and does a crazy-awesome job here at work. I often feel like a dumpy slump next to all of her smart-ness but I'm slowly getting over it. But last week? HA! MY super-skillz finally saved the day.

My boss has been working with some special mapping software for nearly 2 years trying to figure out how to make a certain map look just-so. She hit a wall almost as soon as she got it and has been trying to figure it out ever since. No, she hasn't spent a TON of time in that two years messing with it, kind of off and on here and there, but enough.

She finally kind of gave in and asked me to look at it to see if maybe I could figure it out. Could I figure it out? Fuck no, I hit the same wall and suggested she get online help. She told me she already tried so I suggested calling the support line. She did and got one of those out-sourced help lines in another country with people that couldn't understand English. Awesome, dead end.

So? What did I do? Oooooooo lawdy I pulled together all of my super-duper skillz and cut-copy-pasted that damn map into --drumroll please-- , come on do it in your head for me, dah-nah-nah-nah-nah............ MICROSOFT PAINT! AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH oh god and it worked!!

While she was at the fancy university I was in 8th grade ignoring my typing lesson and fooling around in Paint behind my teachers back. I didn't have a computer at home so Paint was the absolute SHIT.

I don't think my boss had ever messed with it much (mainly because it takes about 2 minutes for a 5 year old to figure out the entire thing and she didn't know any-thing about it and she's not a reee-tard,) so I got to stand there and show her how to use all the super-duper-technology like "Brush," "Fill," "Text" and the intricacies of color change.

20 minutes of Paint and the 2-year map project was done. She was really happy to not have to fuck with it anymore and finally got to hand out her pamphlet the way she had always imagined it. I don't think I got any credit for my super-skillz but I can't really blame my boss for that. I don't expect her to tell her/my other boss what really went down. How seriously Ghetto would that sound - I mean REALLY.


Now, if you'll excuse me I'm off to go make my Christmas screen saver in Paint. What? You don't make all of your own holiday screen savers yourself?? Ha! Martha Stewart can kiss my ass cuz you sure as hell can't make a screen saver out of juniper berries and hot-glue, nope, but ya sure can in Paint. Just look at that sweet bitch. My bosses are all gone this week so I think I'll leave it up for a bit. It makes me smile. Just LOOK at the snow detail on the C-tree!! Now that's talent damn it.

Come RYAN, Travel The Ghetto With Me

RYAN posted recently asking for advice on countries to visit and I thought I'd pitch in to help im out.

Ryan? Canada is the only other country I've ever been to. Ummmm.. if the speed limit sign says 65 or 70 just remember that it's not in MPH but KPH.
Nobody bothered to tell ME that, and how was I supposed to KNOW?

Ok what else? The money looks kinda cool but you'll end up with a lot of change and if you go to McDonalds don't freak out because a #9 is gonna look like $8.50 but it's not cuz their system is different. But isn't our dollar worth like zippo right now? Yeah so I don't know how that whole conversion thing is gonna work out for you. Ok so I don't know jack about the money thing but I do remember thinking that $8.50 was a little steep for the #9 so good luck with that. Oh, and the coins are called Loonies and Toonies and beleive me they've already heard all the jokes. Yeeeaaahhh they don't really find it much amusing.

Really though? You should just come over here to the ghetto. I know a great mexican restaurant with awesome food and a guy that plays the guitar there on thursdays. And if you tell them it's your birthday they'll let you wear a sombrero. And they have mexican candy and the water is safe to drink and the bathrooms don't have homeless people sleeping in them. Plus C. is a Mexican and if you want I'll make it so everytime you speak to him he just smiles and says "Que?" and then robs you.

OR I could take you to a kick as Chinese restaurant and we can use chop sticks and Me and C. will giggle for you like the Japanese girls you were hoping for. And since it's chinese nobody will recognize you from the whole peeing-your-pants-Japan commercial you were talking about. And if you don't like the food they have pizza and french fries.

If you're really set on Italy I know a great for real Italian place where it's run by for real Italian people. It's for real Italian so the food tastes all weird and nothing like my moms or Prego or the Olive garden but it's really good. Ooo and we've got a snooty cafe here that serves gelato where they'll let you sample all the flavors. And leave. Because it's not like ice cream and ice cream is way better and we can go to the Dairy Queen.

If you still want Galapagos we could go to a pet store and pet one and then get some turtle from the weird ethnic store and eat it. And then I could tell you stories about the 11 pet turtles I had one summer when I was a kid and if you want I'll tell it in the voice of the late Steve Erwin. I'm accommodating like that.

OOO!! AND we have like 4 discovery channels on our cable pack so if you were really set on that Safari there'll be lots of lions and tigers to watch PLUS it's the Ghetto so you'll get that for-real-danger-feeling you were hoping for. And we've got this really big stray cat that comes around our place at night that I throw out left overs and chicken bones and stuff to. He beat up my pansy house-cat one time so I feed him because he made me laugh. Ok and because he looks like that creepy-ass-robot cat from Pet Cemetery and I'm afraid he's going to come after me one of these days for chasing him and trying to smack him with my Womans Day magazine after he kicked my cats ass.

Don't forget, my neighbor is a pimp and he's got Hoezz. I kinda thought that might be the clincher considering your hard-up state. Anyways, the offers here, have fun either way.

Birthday Gifts, ah crap. Can I make a Vibrator out of a Massage Mat???

Yesterday I turned 26 (ohgod I'm closer to 30 than 20. Fuck. OH well. Shit. Ok I'm done.)

It was my first Birthday with C. that we were able to REALLY celebrate and I'll admit I've been a tad over-ly excited about what he would get me for a gift. Self absorbed? Wrong to care about a gift so much? Especially when HE is a gift enough? ALL of that -YES - but I am what I am, deal with it.

I guess all I really have to say is "How thoughtful." And it WAS really thoughtful. He got me one of those portable massagers that goes on a chair. He said he thought it would be really nice for me to take to work because I have a desk job and I sit all day. It took him two weeks of searching to find something he thought I'd like and he was really nervous about it. SOOOO could I tell him that I HATE those things? That I've always hated massage chairs or those stupid hand-held massagers for your back? (unless it's a "personal" massager ;) I hate it)

Well no. He really tried so hard to make it a thoughtful gift, and it's not his fault that he doesn't KNOW that I can't stand the BBBBZZZZZZZZZ BBBBBBZZZZZZZZZ vibration of the damn chair cover that is supposed to whisk me away to bliss-land.

I wish I were smarter because I'll give it credit it's got serious BBBBBZZZZZ power. Ya think there's any way I could turn it into a lady-flower vibrator? What if I cut it open and took out the vibrators and made them into a toy? It's got a cool remote control that would really kick ass. PLUS he's expecting me to take it to work so he'd never know what happened as long as I got rid of the evidence.

It's got like 14 separate vibrators though. That'd be a lot. Could I take some off without shorting it out like a set of christmas lights? I don't know anything about electronics. MMMMmmmmmm I wonder what I could put them inside?

Damn it DOES have a lot of power and the remote control IS really neato AND it's electric. If I don't get up the guts to kill THIS chair I'm gonna go out and buy another one just so I can make my own "toy." A good vibrator at the naughty store can run like $70 but I'm betting if I wait till the after-christmas-clearance sales I could get one of those mat-things really cheap. Oh lord this could be so cool!

Maybe this wasn't such a horrid gift at all!! He just opened up a whole world that I never knew could exist!! Too bad I can never TELL him, but still. Kick ass!

Ghetto Sex VS. Hillbilly Sex

I've lived in the Ghetto for almost a year now and I've come to some conclusions about the similarities between Ghetto living and Hillbilly living. I thought it would be a whole new world filled with all sorts of different people and scary things, but really when I stop and think about it, we're the same people - just with a different twist. And Ghetto people? Well they're just as scared of Hillbillies as Hillbillies are of them.

For Example: Guns.
When I moved here I thought "Oh dear there will be GUNS and shootings and I might "get caught in the crossfire!" But honestly do you know any self respecting Hillbilly without a (4) gun? I'm not afraid of getting caught in the crossfire while I'm out running anymore, but you sure as hell won't see me out in Hillbilly country wearing anything LESS than an orange hat, vest, and perhaps a giant sign that says "I AM NOT A DEER, DON'T SHOOT!!"

Every year we hear lot's of terrible stories of folks accidentally shooting each other out hunting. Folks who own horses around here even have special orange blankets for them to wear. OR you can always do like my neighbor back home and SPRAY paint "HORSE" on both sides of your horse. He always uses white paint tho, seems like he should use orange just to be safe.

Yeah I know it's not the SAME kind of killing but hey if I'm shot, I'm shot people.

OOOO!! And Drugs! This one makes me laugh, :) I was worried about lots of drug dealers and scary people in the city but do you know where the drug dealers get their drugs FROM?? Ask yourself can they REALLY grow a 50lbs of pot in their apartment? Hell no, they get it from the "Hippie Hillbilly" that lives in the country and grows a field of the shit. The hippie lives off the land with his garden and does his yoga and tokes up the fruits of his labor every day. He'll share it with his family and good friends around hillbillyville and sell it to the friendly neighbors down the road and everybody just thinks he's or they are just "that nice older couple."

But not even a super-toker hillbilly and all of his friends can smoke up a whole field of pot, and THAT's where they make their cash. Not as much as you'd think tho, they sell it pretty cheap. It's when the same baggie has been cut down from the original buyer of 10lbs to his smaller buyers (gotta make HIS profit too) and on and on and on from buyer to buyer until a single joint costs as much as the original hippie hillbillies cost per pound.

And don't we always hear about meth-labs being made out in the middle of nowhere? I used to LIVE in the middle of nowhere!

Stray Cats are "Barn Cats" in the country and "Alley cats" in the city.

A daddy in the country stays awake out on the porch for his daughters boyfriend to bring her home, and a daddy in the city waits up out on the stoop.

Janice in the city is pimped out by her neighbor pimp but Glenda in the country can pimp her damn-self out at the honky-tonk.


Ok so I don't know where I'm really going with this. It is what it is folks and we are what we are wherever we may live. (cliche much?) :) Ah well, I'm out. I'm off to Chicago for the next 3 days and I'm not scared one bit. I'm a hybrid ghetto-princess-hillbilly-tom-boy and I think I'll be fine where ever it is that I end up.

Taking A Shower Together

Does anybody else think taking a shower with your mate is only KIND of cool? It always sounded awesome when I was younger (and inexperienced.) Honestly though I've never been able to get it into that "awesome" category. Let's review.

Kissing - We always want to kiss each other in the shower - really only for foreplay's sake - but it always kind of sucks. Why? Soap and Snot. If one persons hair is lathered up then soap is gonna be running down every ones face burning eyes and tasting horrid. And then snot. Water running off another persons face when you're kissing reminds me of snot. And then I get afraid that it IS his nose running, or that MY nose is running and I just don't know it. I'm really afraid of mucus.

MMMMmmmmm a good part - the soaping up and getting all slippery with each other. :) I love it when both folks get all soapy and then slip and slide all over each other - how fun is that? BUUUUTTTT it seems like whenever both people get all slippery and slidey and yummy that a certain person *ahem* feels that all of a sudden that the OTHER persons body is free range. Oh never mind with the code-talking, the guy all of a sudden thinks it's cool to put his hand in the girls butt-crack. THERE I said it. I KNOW it's the shower and soap is flowing around but I just feel weird with a hand all up in my shitter. Does that happen to anybody else? I try doing it back (with his PERSONAL loofah) to make him see "how it feels." Does it deter him? AHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAA. no.

Ok and the sex. I'm guessing that anybody this side of the universe knows that when you try and get it on in the shower that the lady-flowers all important slippery nectar's get washed away. Squeeky Clean is wonderful for out-of-bed-lip-service-foreplay but so very much NOT wonderful for getting it on. If the Va-jay-jay's squeaky there'll be no freaky.

So what does any self respecting slicked up horny man do with a squeeky va-jay-jay and a girl that is grossed out by possible snoty kissing? WHY OF COURSE he starts a POKE-IN round with Mr. Boner once again in places that it doesn't belong! Ahhhhh! Leave. My. Ass. Alone!
(yeah that's especially dangerous if I bend over to give my legs a quick shave - yowza)

Last but not least there is of course always one person standing off to the back that doesn't have any warm water spraying on them and is starting to freeze. Lovely.

Ya know, I think I'd LIKE taking a shower with my man if we could leave the sex stuff out. You know like turn it into a sensual let's-wash-each-others-backs -and fronts! hee hee! Sort of thing - and just show love and caring and stuff. Wouldn't that be nice? Maybe I can talk him into it with the promise of getting some AFTER the shower and explaining that the shower will be sensual-I-Love-You-but-don't-want-to-screw-you-YET time.

Anybody? What do you do in these situations? Do you have the same problems? Any solutions?

It's Not My Fault I'm a Hor at Heart

I ripped this off from Krissie who ripped it off from Belle (both in the blogroll cuz they're kool kidz) but only because it is just so perfect! Take a look at the first line.



AHAHAHAHAHAHAAH Promiscuous One!! HAHAHAHAHAH SO THERE!! It's not my fault, it's because of my birthdate. SO! If you're looking for an "easy" girl just make sure she's a Sagi, be kind to her, tell her she's pretty and BAM!! You're in.

As for the rest of the stuff in the list? Well of COURSE every single one is true. Actually it's quite spot-on, and yeah, I guess they're meant to be that way, but it's still nice to read.

OKEE-DOKE!! I'll be back in a bit with something more substantial but I just couldn't pass this up.

Thankful Hor

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!!!!!!!

Things I'm Thankful For:

Astroglide
Vibrators
Dildos
Men (especially C.)
Cocks
Orgasms
Pie
Computers
Really Cool Blog Pals
Post-it-notes
Christmas Music
Shoes
Hooker boots
Books
Erotica
Having a (getto bastard sonofabitch) car
A roof over my head to get it on
Getting it on in random apple orchards
Daffodils
Potatoes
Testosterone
My ass
The ability to smack an ass
The fact that I'm not paralyzed and I can feel my ass being smacked
Cranberries
Beef Jerky
My Dad
My Mom
The fact that My mom and my Father got-it-on 25 yrs ago
Condoms
Chocolate
The Phrase "Uncle Fucker"
The Phrase "Big Floppy Donkey Dick"
My BFF Jaybird
Klonopin
Highlighters
Those markers that we had when I was a kid that smelled like fruit
My digi camera
My guitar
My violin
My hidden stash of dildos and the fact that it IS hidden
Batteries
My job
Lingerie
Sales
Thrift Stores
Lipgloss
Edible Body Sparkles
Mascara
Hooker Lashes
Toe Socks

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!!

AFRO-DEE-ZEE-ACKS

I call shenanigans. Well I guess that is unless my Blog-Pals give me some Afro-advice and swear it's true, cuz if a blogger swears then by gall it's true.

Aphrodite, the love goddess was said to consider "sparrows" sacred because of their "amorous nature" COOL! Geez grampa never mind fighting medicare for that boner just take your pellet gun out back and get your moneys worth out of all that damn bird seed you've been throwing on the ground! Kick ass.

C. seems to think that shrimp make a man's pole stronger and enable him to go all night long. I tried to explain to him that he's able to imitate a bunny rabbit by merely breathing AIR. I'm not one to complain but this guy isn't going to need Viagra later in life. Hell I imagine whoever gets his donated blood ends up with a boner right on the operating table.

Also on the Mexican front - Coriander (cilantro seed)
is supposed to raise the flag. Seems how I am an official member of I Hate Cilantro.Com I'm not going to be able to give you any unbiased info. ALTHOUGH maybe that explains why Mexicans have so many dang kids. BLECH WWHYYYYY do they love that shit so much? ACK.

Raw Oysters? Gosh I don't know about you all but for me, having my gag reflex kick in and the resulting PUKE just aren't that much of a turn on. Plus there's that whole worry of food poisoning. If I managed to get one down I'd end up sitting next to the phone with Poison Controls phone number in one hand and charcoal in the other. No dice.

Garlic? Gee nothing like Dego-breath to get me reved up. Bring on that noodle baby doll! ALDENTE!! (in my defense my BF is part wop so that's why I can use this slur, just like how my fiance is Mexican so I can call him a beaner any time I want)

Last on the list that I read this morning was wine. Hmmmmm. . . well golly-fuckin-gee that's something I would have NEVER figured. Thank You Internets, really. Hey DYCK what do YOU use to get chicks fired up enough to drop the restraining order and have a go with you? (BESIDES the date-rape drug, geez Dyck this is almost a family site now-days)

Anybody else?