Come RYAN, Travel The Ghetto With Me

RYAN posted recently asking for advice on countries to visit and I thought I'd pitch in to help im out.

Ryan? Canada is the only other country I've ever been to. Ummmm.. if the speed limit sign says 65 or 70 just remember that it's not in MPH but KPH.
Nobody bothered to tell ME that, and how was I supposed to KNOW?

Ok what else? The money looks kinda cool but you'll end up with a lot of change and if you go to McDonalds don't freak out because a #9 is gonna look like $8.50 but it's not cuz their system is different. But isn't our dollar worth like zippo right now? Yeah so I don't know how that whole conversion thing is gonna work out for you. Ok so I don't know jack about the money thing but I do remember thinking that $8.50 was a little steep for the #9 so good luck with that. Oh, and the coins are called Loonies and Toonies and beleive me they've already heard all the jokes. Yeeeaaahhh they don't really find it much amusing.

Really though? You should just come over here to the ghetto. I know a great mexican restaurant with awesome food and a guy that plays the guitar there on thursdays. And if you tell them it's your birthday they'll let you wear a sombrero. And they have mexican candy and the water is safe to drink and the bathrooms don't have homeless people sleeping in them. Plus C. is a Mexican and if you want I'll make it so everytime you speak to him he just smiles and says "Que?" and then robs you.

OR I could take you to a kick as Chinese restaurant and we can use chop sticks and Me and C. will giggle for you like the Japanese girls you were hoping for. And since it's chinese nobody will recognize you from the whole peeing-your-pants-Japan commercial you were talking about. And if you don't like the food they have pizza and french fries.

If you're really set on Italy I know a great for real Italian place where it's run by for real Italian people. It's for real Italian so the food tastes all weird and nothing like my moms or Prego or the Olive garden but it's really good. Ooo and we've got a snooty cafe here that serves gelato where they'll let you sample all the flavors. And leave. Because it's not like ice cream and ice cream is way better and we can go to the Dairy Queen.

If you still want Galapagos we could go to a pet store and pet one and then get some turtle from the weird ethnic store and eat it. And then I could tell you stories about the 11 pet turtles I had one summer when I was a kid and if you want I'll tell it in the voice of the late Steve Erwin. I'm accommodating like that.

OOO!! AND we have like 4 discovery channels on our cable pack so if you were really set on that Safari there'll be lots of lions and tigers to watch PLUS it's the Ghetto so you'll get that for-real-danger-feeling you were hoping for. And we've got this really big stray cat that comes around our place at night that I throw out left overs and chicken bones and stuff to. He beat up my pansy house-cat one time so I feed him because he made me laugh. Ok and because he looks like that creepy-ass-robot cat from Pet Cemetery and I'm afraid he's going to come after me one of these days for chasing him and trying to smack him with my Womans Day magazine after he kicked my cats ass.

Don't forget, my neighbor is a pimp and he's got Hoezz. I kinda thought that might be the clincher considering your hard-up state. Anyways, the offers here, have fun either way.