Balls, Testicles, Nads, Nuts, Berries or Man Tackle whatever you want to call 'em, I think they're a lot like Breasts.

I've never really understood balls. Yep I just don't get what the hell they want me to do with them. And gall dernit every man is different! There's no set rule to nuts and want they want - which kind of reminds me of boobs. Some chicks love to have their boobs squeezed or sucked or manhandled and some don't want a man come near them. I'm sort of an inbetweener but damn it stay away from my nipples! Seriously I am not your mommy get off 'em it feels friggin weird.

It's seems just the same for testes, some guys don't want anything near them some want them salty balls in your mouth, some want 'em tickled, others want them kneaded like dough and one of you out there even wants em pulled on. What. The. Hell. The difference between Nads and Breasts tho is that I think guys are WAY more touchy about the subject.

A chick will a lot of times let the guy do what he wants with her funsacks and humor him for a little bit but if a chick makes one wrong move on a ball it's freaking out time. And damn it now that I think about it at least guys WANT to play with our boobs but I'll tell ya the truth I couldn't really care less about that there sack. Oh the HORROR I know, but does a set of set of bolos really turn ANY chick on?

Like "Ooo00hh baby look at them hairy wrinkly mysterious balls of joy, MMMmmmmmmmm come on daddy." No? No. Not to say that I'm not happy to do stuff with 'em, it's all about give and take and of course I want to please my partner but there's just nothing about gonads that reves up my engine.

Don't get me wrong tho, it's not like I dislike the balls, in fact I find them to be quite entertaining at times. OH!! Like if a guy coughs or moves his schlong and you get close to the balls you can watch them move around all weird and creepy like by themselves. SOMETIMES if you watch em the nuts just move around for no apparent reason at all and in no particular pattern! They're like a friggin lava lamp - I have been known to lay transfixed by the gentle eb and flow of a hairy sack for minutes on end completely entertained until the dude freakes out and gets uncomfortable because I'm studying his nuts. Gals if you've never done it, next time he's on his back go down and look at the ballsack and ask him to cough. Then just watch as they do their thang.

I'm sort of easily entertained but I swear you'll get a kick out of it.

So yeah guys are so touchy about their balls and I can never figure out exactly what to do with the things. Even if a guy LIKES them messed with and gives me explicit instructions I'm still kind of in the dark. I need a meeting people, "Testicle Performance Fear." Anonymous of course. My name is L-Hor and even I am nervous around the sack.

My Secret Fantasy - SSSSssshhhhhh.......(to be with a chick!) EEEEEEEEEE!!

You all know that I love to have "Me" time now and again. And again. Alone or with toys it's a great thing to do when you have the time. It's even encouraged by the sex guru's because they say you have to know your body to be able to teach someone else about it. So really, I'm just doing the right thing you see.

A big part of my ME time is always elaborate fantasies - I really LOVE it when I have the time to plop down on the couch and make up a big ole scenario in my head to get me worked up and worked on out ;)

A couple of years ago (ok like 5) though, I had a dream about being with a woman. I'd never really thought much about it before hand but that dream inspired me to really access how I felt about being lesbian or bisexual. I didn't really NEED to access this cuz I just sort of know I'm strait but I was younger and curious so whatever. I've never had a problem with gay or lesbians I've got a very close gay relative, my parents are hippies (need I say more?) and I live near a nationally known small town famous for it's gay and lesbian population. It's never been an issue in my life because I've always been around it and it just seems natural to me to love who you love (not children mind you) and not think twice about it.

So ANYWAYS when I started getting curious about what it would be like to be with a woman my fantasy life really opened up. I evaluate my feelings on the subject of "Being" with a woman quite regularly and always come up with the same thing. I'm intensely curious about what it would be like to have sex or touch or kiss a woman but have no interest in being in a relationship with one. Hor much?

Over the past year and a half my fantasies about being with a woman have really taken over and lately my FAVORITE has been one where I put an add on Craig's List - some goofy ass add explaining myself clearly and having someone in a similar situation respond. (Don't worry Jaybird it's ALWAYS a stranger and in fact I have NO INTEREST in being involved with anybody I know, it'd just be freakin weird) We hit it off conversation/chemistry wise, things develop from there, and TA DA!! Curiosity satisfied.

The bad thing about this particular fantasy is how close to reality it comes and the fact that I COULD do it. I get SO into the fantasy sometimes that I fantasize ACTUALLY going out and doing it - but luckily after I'm "done" I always come back down to earth and feel icky for even entertaining the notion. I love C. WAY too much to go insane and cheat on him.

PLUS right before he and I met I actually had an offer from a lesbian friend of mine - she REALLY wanted in my pants but it was too weird because I KNOW her and I also know that it's possible she'd get emotionally attached. AAAAAAANNNDDD I think I pretty much chickened out anyways. I couldn't even bring myself to really talk about dirty stuff with her so BUUUCCK BUUUKAAAWWW!! I probably just don't have it in me.

Why am I sharing this with you? Hell if I know, I guess maybe I just feel the need to get it off my chest, and ya never know maybe there's another chick out there like me that'll read this and not feel as weird about her own fantasy life.

The Gift of LAME - I.E. TIRES

My Chorizo Burrito and I will be having our first-year-knowing-and-dating-each-other anniversary this Sunday. In past relationships yearly anniversary's were always a big deal to be celebrated with big gifts and dinner and forced romance. In fact in the past GIFTS were a big deal on every occasion, birthday, holidays ect. But now? It's weird. In the past year we were apart (not because we wanted to be) from before Christmas and through mid January. That time span covered not only Christmas but both of our birthdays. And when Valentines day rolled around we were both working so much that we barley even got to see one another much less worry about gifts.


I was telling him the other day about some horror stories of "gift receiving past" from my past suitors.


The guy I was with for 6 years? He forgot my birthday two of those years and on one of them he didn't bother to pick up anything until the day of when he and a friend went to Walmart and he came back with two tubes of mini M&M's. Mini M&M's, yes you read that correctly. I remember thinking it had to be a joke but he said "Well I was AT Walmart for like an HOUR and I just couldn't FIND anything and I know you like chocolate." Asshole.


Then there was the year he decided to get me tires for my car for Christmas - he announced it in November by telling me that I was too stupid, lazy and poor so he was going to get them for me for my Christmas gift. I still kind of hate him.


I wouldn't have cared so much if it weren't for the fact that I put serious thought and consideration into gift giving to make it as special yet still appreciated as HUMANLY possible.
Once the same guy gave me a remote controlled air-plane (his hobby of that year) and ended up using it himself. There's just no excuse for that.


I don't CARE about cost or worth or size all I've ever wanted was for someone to give. a. shit. That's it! I just want someone to put forth an attempt at thinking about me for a second and what would make me feel good.


When I was telling all that crap to C. he didn't even really seem to respond or get it. Even when I told him the guy forgot. I don't really understand his response but now I'm afraid maybe I just scared the crap out of the guy. Maybe he thinks I'm ungrateful or that he doesn't have a shot in hell of making me happy. Shit.


We DID talk later on and he told me that growing up he never received gifts for Christmas and that they never really celebrated his birthday. I guess it was a mix of being super poor and him being shuffled around to different family members to raise him after his mom split.
So maybe he's clueless as to how to even go about holidays.


This up-coming Sunday I'm not worried about a gift. I'm so very happy just to HAVE him HERE and I know that in itself is a gift. Every DAY we have together is a gift and that fact so very often comes into my mind when we are together. I'm not going to go out and get a present for him for this Sunday, I don't think that he's going to get one for me - not because he doesn't love me but because he doesn't know that's what folks do - and I don't want him to feel yucky if I hand over something and he's empty handed.


The thing about this though is that I just don't CARE about gifts so much anymore. I realize that in the past gift giving with that guy was our way of (if he remembered) of overcompensating for the fact that we didn't really love each other. Until C. I've never been in a relationship where I've been truly loved or felt what real honest to God this-is-NOT-a-test-I'm-gonna be-holding-your-hand-and-kissing-your-yucky-old-person-lips-even-when-you-forget-to-put-in-your-teeth-and-still-liking-it LOVE is. This is uncharted water for me and I think I'm just about as out of my element as he is, just in a different way.

Victoria's Secret VS Fredericks of Hollywood

Would it come to surprise anyone that your friendly hor likes to dress up? ANYBODY?? :)

Right. So this morning on my drive into work I was thinking about maybe getting a new outfit or two and was considering where I should go shopping. Usually I go to a mall around here that has both Frederick's AND Victoria's but I never seem to get ANYTHING over from ole V's.

I just don't GET that store. A friend of mine mentions at least twice a week how freaking GREAT V's bras are but all she ever gets are PLAIN bras for comfort. That's great I guess but when I think about places like that I'm not thinking comfort I'm thinking SEXY. Sexy and fun like in the picture to your right. Last time I went into V's all I bought was a lip gloss on sale - but damn it not for lack of trying to buy other stuff. I looked at their "outfits" but they were all so, I don't know, LAAAME. They only had a few to begin with and they were just dark colors and no fun. Plus when I looked at the price tag I had to stop myself from running out the door - CRAP that stuff is expensive.

So on to Frederick's I went. Frederick's with it's fun colors and crazy styles and feathers and lace and stockings and garters. MMMmmm THAT'S what I'm talkin bought. I actually own the EXACT pink feathered baby doll dress that "Carrie Bradshaw" wore on one of the episodes of Sex In The City. Not exact as in I'm crazy and bought the outfit she actually WORE off of e-bay, but exact as in the same brand and style. I love all of the naughty fun stuff they have to offer and I'm not ashamed damn it. Maybe I'm trashy but I can be CUTE and fun and trashy can't I?

But then this morning I got to thinking about how some folks would say that those kinds of outfits objectify women and how so many women before me fought for a girl like me to have the right to be something other than just an object. I know there are quite a few womens lib chicks out there that would probably like to burn ole Freddie's to the ground but I just can't concur with that ideal.

I do have to admit that I've always thought it was super lame when guys on t.v. get their wife or girlfriend lingerie for a holiday, birthday or anniversary gift. For serious pal? Where is my gift card to Barnes and Noble or the newest C.D. from my favorite band? It would be like ME giving him a gift of oil so that he could change the oil in MY car.

I love to play dress up but I guess I feel that it is MY gift to give to HIM, and as a surprise damn it. If you think about it I DO have the choice to wear track pants and a sweatshirt one night and a baby doll dress the next night if I dang well feel like it. There is no pressure in the world that I live in today to dress any way other than what I feel up to come night-time and for that I guess I should say thank you to the bra burners that came before me. I live in a time where I can be a hor a lady or frumpy-dumpy depending on my mood.

Ok so I do have to give credit to my Man as well for I know that every guy isn't as cool as he is about track pants. Honest to goodness I was all decked out in froggie pajama pants, a college sweatshirt and mis-matched socks by 6p.m. the other night and for some reason felt the need to say I was sorry. He looked at me kind of bewildered and said "I don't get it." "Jyou're in de house, we have to be comfortable in our house." "And besides, I can still see jyour booty." God love 'im that boy knows the path to my heart.

So Thank You Bra Burners, I know you fought for a lot more important stuff, but a hor gives credit where credits due. And Thank You C, you booty lovin man and Thank You Fredrick's for your outrageous evening wear.

Bad Sex, Scary Sex, HAHAHAHAHA You're Goofy Sex And Everything Leading Up To It.

BLOGGET got me to thinking after I read her last comment on my last post. She mentioned being with a guy - hopefully for a VERY short time - that thought foreplay involving BITING her lady flower and DRAWING BLOOD was a good thing. EEEEKK!! Remind to never again refer to my girl parts as "my swweeeeeeet taco" to the Mexican. So that and my little covo with Sparx got me to thinking back about some of the things I've had happen during sex-encounters-of-the-goofier-kind in the past, and some of the stuff leading up to sex as well.

Ever Kissed someone channeling a St. Bernard after a good long drink? God that poor boy licked half my face off and made me consider never wearing scented lotion again. I had to dump him. Yeah for kissing. But come on I gave him TWO WEEKS but he just couldn't be taught. The next time I encountered a lamprey I knew right away what to do and cut him off on the phone the day after our first kiss. No need to lead people on folks.
(do give me a break tho I was 16)

One guy thought it would be cool to show me that he could seal off my mouth and blow air into me thus blowing my nose all over him. Smart. Next time he decided to suck the air out of my lungs but only managed to suck a bunch of air in through MY NOSE with his super seal vacuum technique. He ended up dislodging a boogie out of the back of my sinus (Eeeeeewwwwwww) and made it go down my throat. hoo hoOOl HOOOOOAAAAALLLLLLLLKKKK Exuse me I'm a bit beyond squeamish about , alllk hhooooaaalllkkk, mucus *gag* and thus the boy had to go. I heard he ended up being an EMT, I'll bet he's damn good at some CPR.

I DID actually stay with a beginner bad kisser - ONE TIME - and that would be my swwweeett little bean burrito. Our first make-out session he realized that I like a little bite on the lip here and there but then succeeded to half chew off my bottom lip for the next 30 minutes. True story we ended up stopping making out because by I was in actually pain. My lip was sore for two entire days and I had to come clean and give him a lesson in moderation. I realized that he was doing it to please me and his willingness to improve so quickly actually got his butt bumped up to a first class seat in my reptilian sex brain. ( extreme willingness to please + quick learner = MMMmmmmmm boyyeeee howwwdy) So he got to stay ;)

Ok enough gag me sweet stuff lets really get into it!! I'm sure all you gals have encountered a "minute man" in your life, ahh well I've learned that it happens but if they can at least get up for another (longer) run in a reasonable amount of time - or AT LEAST be willing to go and have a "talk" with the lady flower then I'm gonna cut em some slack. But speaking of "talking" to the center-of-all-that-is-wonderful, I once encountered a man that thought either he really was a busy bee or maybe hell he thought chicks like the "bbbvvbbvvbbvvbbvvbbvvv" back and forth motor boat thing between their boobs so he thought he'd try and talk to my girl that way. I'm sorry but she doesn't speak motor boat or busy bee. I for real picked my head up and just stared at 'im for a bit and when he kept on doing it I had to bit my lip not to laugh. I believe I allowed myself a silent giggle but it was gonna turn into a belly laugh, and I was afraid that if I laughed at him he might turn his blubB.B.B.Bering self on me and do my tummy next. I'm so ticklish I might have lost it completely and stopped breathing. Silly boy.

One time I had a guy that thought that sucking in and spitting out my lady LEAVES like a slippery gummy worm was sure to light me on fire. I was almost to the point of laughing at that one for real but then he figured he'd bring out the freakin shop vac power and bought ripped off one of my delicate leaves. SHIT! That's one way to douse an already dying fire. Holy crap. He had to be stopped.

Then there was tiny-too-quik. I kind of wondered why this guy had a bit of a chip on his shoulder, I thought it was just cuz he was kinda short and had a touch of "little man syndrome" but it wasn't his height that was the littlest about him. Now don't get me wrong even a hor can make mighty fine due with nothin more than 4 inches -no lie - but this buy was so short and so SKINNY in that dept. that when I got my hand on it I felt kinda dirty. Jesus I wanted to check his I.D. and make sure he really was 21 and not just a harry 12 year old. GGGaaahhhhh that's really gross I'm sorry but it was just - MAN it was small! My next thought was "Really, What the hell, Am I going to DO, With this??" Well I tried, with an open mind cuz ya never know.

But THEN, not only was he mr. teeeeeny he also thought it was a good idea to thrust anywhere from 180-200 TPM. (thrusts per minute) Yes it IS possible I timed it out. (one mississippi, two mississippi DAMN three mississippi) I was afraid that even though I really couldn't FEEL him that he still might be giving me some sort of . . . burn. Ya know like when you rub sticks together REEEAAALLYY fast to start a fire? That kind.

Oh lordy lordy I've had some fun. Now don't you guysget me wrong I'm not claiming to have never made my ownmistakes once upon a blue moon. I once came pretty close to breaking a guys boner in half during a bit of an over zealous performance reverse cowgirl style. Ouch, but he was just bruised.

Ah well win some lose some and make blog material for some. It's all good at the end of the day. (or week)

I'm Not A Virgin

There's a country song - by Deana Carter titled "Strawberry Wine." It's about a woman thinking back to the summer she was 17, her first love, a time when she was innocent, oh, and losing her virginity.

I remember listening to that song the summer it came out - a time when I was no where near having sex or turning 17 yet and listening extra hard to the words to try and gain any sexual wisdom that I could. :) There's a part that goes "Hot July moon, saw everything" - about as graphic as it gets - and I remember trying SOO hard to figure out or imagining what seeing everything REALLY meant. Ok well I knew what it meant but never having seen anything or even hearing much about it made it kind of hard to visualize. I felt so grown up listening to that song.

Turns out I too was 17 when I lost my virginity. My first "love" and "grownup" relationship. Oh lord. People always say that teenagers "think they know everything" but I honestly don't remember KNOWING much, but just having an unwavering notion that I could DO anything and it would be fine because I was so damn old and smart.

I was 17 and Joe had just turned 20? Oh Joe. Wait what the hell was I doing with a 20 year old? I'm pretty sure we told each other that we were in love with each other after about 2 weeks (oh geeeeezzz) and I managed to hold out a WHOLE month before succumbing to my insane hormones screaming SEEEEXXXX PLEEAAASEE SSEEEEXXXXX. A month? Hussy! But god if a month didn't seem like way more than enough time. It was forever and we were in luuuuuuvvv. ;) Oh silly girl.

The goofy thing though, and I wonder if it's like this for any of you, I don't REMEMBER very much. It seems like that first time should be branded in my chick memory forever crystal clear, but it's not. I remember thinking that it was important to remember what song was on the radio so I could remember THAT forever, and I remember that it was "Walking on the Sun" and I hated that song and thinking "Damn it I don't like this song, I hoped it would be something romantic." And then after that I don't remember much.

Well, him asking me a few times if I was SURE? A little bit of a burn and then it all goes away. I guess it wasn't too painful but I don't remember if it felt good or if I came anywhere NEAR really feeling good, how long, what he said, if he came fast or what we said after. And the following year we were together I remember even less. I don't know why but it just bothers me. I wonder if that 17 year old me was getting it on like a rabbit and if so was I feeling GOOD doing it? Was he getting me off? It was never an issue with us, never any pressure I know that, so maybe that's why I didn't retian many memories, I was comfortable. (but criminy shouldn't I remember my first O that wasn't alone??)

I VIVIDLY remember giving him my first blow job after we had been together for like 6 months. (backwards much?) And I remember being frightened beyond anything at the thought of him visiting down there on ME. That was a NO-WAY in my book. (What. A. Shame.)

We stayed together a whole year before I felt restless and he messed up over little stupid stuff one too many times and my 17 year old brain rationalized leaving. That and it was his dream to be in the Marines but he was never going to leave as long as I was around. I knew it was true he didn't have to tell me and he was really going nowhere staying home. He came to tell me a week or two after we broke up that he was FOR REAL signing up this time and that he was going to start taking his entrance tests.

I wanted to cling to him and tell him not to go and that I loved him and I was sorry we broke up (I was sorry and my 18 yr old self still DID think I loved him) but I knew that he WOULD stay if I asked and it would ruin him. That might be the first "wise" thing I ever did in my teenager life and looking back I thank God for that ONE thing I got right.

He came to tell me later on that he HAD signed up and they accepted him and that he was going off to boot camp. I stuck to my guns and told him I was happy for him. He went on to pass boot camp and eventually go off to Iraq. Oh God I wish I could tell him how proud I am of him, I really truly am. My parents too, they always liked him and they were proud as well.

I'm happy with my life, I love Chino and wouldn't go back to change anything but I still wonder about how Joe is doing, where he ended up and if he's finally happy. I hope he's as proud of himself as I am of him.

Joe Mills
Joseph Mills (never know, people like to google themselves, maybe one day he'll see)

How To Use Your Favorites Box And Not Having Sex With People You Shouldn't

To whom it may concern:

Dear Sir or Madam,
I'm very happy that you've found my site and also have come to the realization that you LIKE coming here a couple times a week. I'm always flattered to have another person come along and decide to become a regular reader - it really flips my cricket. But here's the thing, I noticed that every time you come here it is by way of Google. That's cool, I do that sometimes if I forget something, no biggie. BUT it's been quite frequent that you come to me by one particular Google search and I was sort of thinking that maybe I could extend to you some directions that would make it a much quicker process.
Next time you come or RIGHT NOW simply go to your favorites box at the top of your screen, click it and then click ADD. THERE! Good. Do it now.

Good deal. Now when I look at site meter everyday I won't see a Google Search for -
"Anal Sex with my sister"

Yeah it just about makes me fall out of my chair and want to hide underneath my desk every time it comes up. I might be a hor but damn dude that's just some fucked up shit and it's not what I need to see first thing in the morning. And for fucks sake what the gall damn hell are you doing searching for that on the INTERNET??? What are you expecting to FIND?? Your sister isn't HERE and hopefully she's not there with you. Go screw a goat or something but leave your damn sister alone, she's probably got enough to worry about living in a hick town like that. Ok! Well I've got to skedaddle you have a great day NOT SCREWING YOUR SISTER.
Sincerely,
Your friendly hor

Also whoever got here by way of "Sex Suck Kuck big women ass" I have a ghetto booty, get it right and don't you dare say I have a big ass again.

And while I'm on the subject WHY are you people coming here by way of "Nasty Mexican Sex" WHY? I'm sorry but I prefer my Mexican nice and showered. Why would you want a dirty mexican to have sex with you? KEEP EM CLEAN!!

Further more whoever searched "Mexican Bitches Sex" Don't you call me a bitch. I'll kick your ass comin up in here callin me a bitch. *head weave back and forth finger in your face* It's BEOTCH punk, get it right.

(Actually Chino and I were playing around yesterday and he accidentally forgot the "eo" in the B tch and I had to give him a stern reminder on how to play the right way. Silly boy. Yeah and if he could get skank right it'd be great because when he calls me a skunk I can't help but laugh.)

AAAAANnnnn for KRISSIE I'd like to share just how helpful Google really can BE. Someone got here by searching for "hor fuck" and Google asked them - "Did you mean 'Horse Fuck'?" The sad thing is we really can't be sure.

Ok Ok one more but on a serious note. Whoever got here searching "It's gonna hurt like crap to forget you poems" I'm very sorry for what ever loss you've experienced and I sincerely hope that even tho I don't do much poetry that you'll manage to forget about shitty stuff for a while when you come here. Let the hor make you feel a little better, that's what we do. Feel better :)

Fancy Gastation Fare

Sometimes it's awesome that I'm a forgetful idiot. Yeeeaaah mostly not but yesterday on my way to my hometown 30 minutes away I realized in the middle of hillbilly nowhere that I forgot to put gas in my car - for like 2 days - and I needed an emergency stop. THAT'S where I happened upon the sign you see below.

First off I need to tell you people - SHIT it's hard to take pictures at a gas station without looking like a major weirdo. For real I was pumping gas and figured I'd just snap it real quick but GGGGAAWWWDD people wouldn't stop looking at me! Ok so maybe it was because I was originally TRYING to take a picture of a new Hummer with a Soccer Mom soccer ball sticker pasted on the back. I thought it was funny and I wanted to show you, my internet pals so you could laugh when I told you that holy shit and damn if THAT'S what stressed out crazy I-have-no-time-I-must-drive-like-a-maniac-to-get-this-brat-to-it's-extracurriculars ass soccer moms are driving these days then I think I need to get off the road. Cuz damn.

So anyways I think the owner of said Hummer felt strange that I was ogling her waiting for her to turn around so I could snap a pic without her seeing. (ok ok so I'm not exactly private eye material here ok?) So much so that when she went in the store she kept an eye on me. I actually gave up and went to move on to the gas station sign above but I think the beotch said something because then the store clerk came outside and stood out there in front of the damn sign watching me. FUCK! I had to drive around the block and then come back and do a drive-by.

N. E. Ways. A couple of things about that sign.

1. Who in hillbilly nowhere is buying organic milk and why the CRAP would they buy it at a gas station? Seriously?!?

2. Christ on a cracker who was the genius that thought to advertise organic milk along with quite possibly one of the most UN-organic products sold as "food?" Hell maybe they're trying for a wide demographic reach, what do I know.

3. And the following diddy between an imaginary hillbilly mom and dad went through my head as I was driving away -

*Set Scene*

*Glenda, pick me up a pack of pall malls when you go in to pay." "Huh, lookie ther, they got org-gan-ik milk, this must be one them fancy places like they got in Californyuh."

"Red I'ma goan git some that milk for the baybies, that'n way they ain't goan be gettin no mad cow er nothin."

"Glenda you might be a cow an you might be mad but I don't think yer milks gone sour yet."

"I'm fer serious Red I saw it on the Tee Vee."

"Ok well fine. An while yer at it pick up a couple packs of them there hot dogs. That way if'n the propane runs out agyn the kids'll have some meat to eat an we aint got to worry bout cookin it."

"Aw Red yer one smart thinkin fella, I knew my daddy was wrong about you."

As I was driving and thinking about posting this I actually thought about DYCK!. Strange I know but I imagined him posting a comment in response somewhere along the lines of "I've got some organic milk AND some sausage right here hor." At that point I started to question my sanity a bit considering Dyck isn't "real" and I haven't even posted yet. Ah well, a glimpse into a hors mind for yuh.

RIP - Rabbit Sex Toy - Bastard - I'll love you always.

My Bunny
My Buddy
My Rabbit
My Habbit

I killed my friend. Well I guess I maimed 'im but he's useless to me now. My poor poor bunny foo foo. I would have used a real picture if I had one of when he was alive but I don't. And stuff always looks creepy after it passes away so stock image it is, I'm sorry.

I finlay got to use Mr. Hoppy and half way through he just couldn't take it. He gave up.
Maybe it's bad karma or maybe he could SENSE the turmoil that he's been causing in my life. Perhaps he sacrificed himself for the good of my relationship with C.

OH bunny buzz bunny buzz.
He could spin and twist and shake.
Perhaps he had palsy?
Oh for heavens sake.

Oh for heavens sake for shitin sure! What the gall damn fuck wiggly wabbit? I only had that son of a recycled virused mac for a few months! BASTARD. Dirty bitch I only got to use it a handful of times, what the freakin shit. He can still spin and twist but has lost all power to vibrate. VIBRATING is his biggest asset. Vibrating his little bunny ears is what really makes his magic work!

Ok ok so I might have got a bit overzealous, I might have tried to push his ears closer than they were intend to go but dang it he's got like a half mile of wires in there shouldn't they have left at least a LITTLE slack if I needed it? But no. No no n-n-n. n. No.

And do you people KNOW! Do you REMEMBER how gall forsaken CHEAP I AM??? SSSHHHHIIIIIIIITT I spent like $70 on this bastard. AAAAhhh I need a new swear word, these are just not covering it. CUNT. There! That is one of the 3 words on my "list of words that I shall not use." But I am so pissed that I've been reduced to bringing it out. Cunt fucking bastards - 70 dollars?? Ahhhhhhhhh God the only reason I EV-ER dropped that kind of cash on a SINGLE toy is because I've heard for years that it's the best thing under the sun. Damn it all to shit this thing lasted about as long as a pair of walmart shoes! You BASTARDS! For that much cash you could at least make sure the shit fire wiring is good.

Oh. Oh I am just seeeething.

And my poor conejo. (ko-nay-ho) My poor funny bunny now lies in state, in his padded lock box. I'm going to check in on him from time to time like I did my digi camera when I broke that. I'll check in from time to time and see if he's magically self regenerated.

Bare Bunny
Fair Bunny
I'll mourn ye
I'll miss ye.

Sometimes I Want to Play With Myself BY Myself

I've got a ready, willing and fully capable man at my lady flowers disposal every hour that I am home. He'll do what ever I want and usually when I want. The exception being GAWD FORBID he's not had a shower and has his very own not so phresh feeling.
Boo hoo right? What the hell do I have to complain about?

But I'll be damned if since he cut back to only one job I - it really IS nice to have him home every day - if I haven't got a bit restless. Or lazy? Or maybe it's just that I miss my toys? I think really I miss my SELF. I miss what I can do for myself alone.

Ok, here's the thing, I was reading over at DarkRoastedBeans (CoffeeInSweeden on my sidebar - funny and interesting gal if you want to know) and she was talking about her latest fantasy. It was a GOOD one and I informed her that I was going to steal/borrow it for my own fantasizing use. I FORGOT about how fun it can be to make up my own little dirty girl porn in my head and have a good go at it all by myself. (well ;) or with a couple of well chosen "friends.")

For real! It's been so long since I was able to use my imagination and use myself! That day I commented on her site I wanted to go home and have a good ole time working out that fantasy - but I couldn't. :( Because HE was home. HE, the love of my life and all that wonderful stuff. But damn it HE prevents me from staking out on the couch and taking a good half hour to spend quality time bonding with my lady flower and showing her how to make friends with a rabbit.

I actually sat there and thought damn. Damn it this was gonna be fun, I wonder if he'll go to the store? AAAAAHHH and then I sat there shaming myself because he was 2 feet away from me smiling and asking about my day and would be more than willing to drop trou in 5 seconds flat.

Maybe it's because I grew up an only child. I used to be alone all through the weekdays growing up so I'm pretty dang good at being by myself. I LIKE being by myself, I enjoy it and sometimes I NEED it so that I don't go insane. Luckily I DO like having my bean pot around more than I like being alone. Pheeww!

So. Here's the question to all you folks that are in live-in relationships (or have been in the past) do/did YOU ever miss fantasizing and spending some quality time with you, yourself and your hands? Did you feel separation anxiety from your toys or your imagination? I'm sure this is natural but I'm wondering about you folks and maybe how any of you figured out a good compromise.

Is it easier for guys? Chicks CAN make use of ye ole shower massager but I'm talking a more in depth session - ie toys, couch, woo-ing myself and imagination. I think it's fun to play hard to get with myslef. Well ACTUALLY my Ego likes to play hard to get with my Id and my Super Ego thinks they're both a tease.

Poverty = Easy Keeper + Do I have worms??

My bean mans first 11 years of life were spent in Mexico. Lucky for me his short time there had quite an impact on the kind of man that he is today.

He told me just the other day that when he was little that they lived in the "country" in a one room mud block house with a stick/thatch roof. Whoa, ok so I wasn't expecting that and before I could stop myself I asked about 20 questions about what it was like to be a really for real poor person. He told me about what they ate and how they cooked outside over coals and now that I think about it (thank you God) I forgot to ask about plumbing. They never got to eat chicken I thought that was weird but I guess over there it's way super expensive. Mostly they had goat. And goats milk. YAaaG Goats milk? Ah well at least it was calcium. AHAHAHAA I asked him if the pasturized the goats milk. (why do things like that come out of my mouth?)

Anyways, blah blah what all of this translates into is that he is one hell of an easy keeper. Roof over head that's not sticks = SWEET. Anything I cook that involves meat = Sweet. I never really cooked before living with him so well I sort of burn things a lot. Does he care? Nope, he likes his meat cooked till jerky anyways. He considers a little coal to be flavor. Awesome.

I thought all of this was quite grand untill the other day when we got to talking about WORMS of all things. Not the fishing kind but the kind that live inside you as a parasite. I don't remember how, it just happened. Anyways he at one point asked me "How do you know if you have worms?" Guhhhhh well shit I don't know. I told him that you'd see them in your poop. (that's what happened when my dog had worms)

I think he was asking because he's one of those bastard freaks of nature that can eat ANY AMOUNT of food that he want's and NEV_VER gain an ounce. Punk. I started to tell him about what his metabolism but then our conversation of him growing up all super poor came back to me. So naturally I blurted out "Have you ever HAD worms?? Like when you were a kid??" He just looked at me and then a worried expression came over his face and he said "I don't know."

WHAT?? You don't know if you've had WORMS??? GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH oh crap! Shit and damn! At this point he told me that that's why they cooked their meat so much so that they wouldn't get worms from the wild rabbit or whatever it is that they had on the coals that night. And then the poor guy started looking really worried and I could see that he was piecing it all together in his head that maybe he had ALWAYS had worms and he didn't know it and that's why he'd always been able to eat whatever.

I'm pretty sure he was on the verge of taking a dump right there and sifting through it so I figured it was kind of time to calm him down. Obviously he couldn't have had worms for 24 years and not be like dead or something and I'm pretty sure he feels ok now.

For some reason I think we're gonna have an interesting life together.

Naked Harry Potter Oh Fuck EEEWWWW. I think?? Hmmmmm

Ok I only double post for emergencies and THIS is an emergency. Oh. MY. God. Oh lord where has the world gone wrong? I thought only chicks did this in playboy to shed childhood star images. Harry Potter? GAAHHHH!!!

Actually if not for the horse and the whole he has NO pecks I might think this is kind of hot. But then I go back to wanting to gouge my eyes out. Why the horse? Ew that makes it like too kidde for me . Yelck. Jesus he's like 18, we're all going to hell.

Sex Positions And A Bitchy Vagina

Why is it that one night of the week doggy style will be the end all absolute best thing that I've ever felt and I think "Holy SHIT we have to do it like this every time like from NOW ON!!" And then the next night it won't do anything for me and I'll be like "damn we gotta flip this shit over." ???

Or for like two days missionary will be the ONLY thing that can get me off and then the next day it'll feel like crap? Even MORE is the weird thing with girl on top. THAT only feels right like once every couple of weeks -and when it DOES it's like mind blowing- but the rest of the time I hate it.

What in the world? Does ye ole conchita eb and flow (eew that sounds gross) with the tides? Does she shift around at will like when you're in an uncomfortable chair and you have to move around like every 10 minutes to try and feel comfy? I'd hate to think that my body is uncomfy to my precious lady playground, I want her to be happy.

I used to think that it was just that we weren't getting the position exactly the same every time and THAT'S why it felt so different but testing has shown that that is just not the case. Funny it never matters to him. I think he could get off upside down in an iron lung with wolves standing by and watching. No Prob.

So it's my lady flower. What the hell is her problem? I'd like to be able to do it in whatever position I want WHEN I want but no, I have to listen to HER. I do NOT need a third personality in bed with me, two is enough dammit.

Maybe she's bi-polar or something. More like dissociative. (i.e. Sybil). What the hell lady love? Que Pasa? Don't be bitchy mi wee penocha, that's not nice and don't MAKE me call you the C word. Don't make me start your ass on some zoloft.

Does anybody else have a problem like this? Maybe it's a disorder. BVS - Bitchy Vagina Syndrome? RPS - Restless P-word Syndrome?

Diamonds In The Ghetto, Hope they don't cut my finger off

My leeetle chorizo burrito gave this to me. And I'm keeping it. And him. For like ever and stuff. K. And no wise cracks about my freakish fingers, I was straining to hold still and my knuckles came out looking deformed. Ok and they're fat, whatever.

EEK! This hillbilly's never been the owner of for REAL jewelry before, and it's kind of fun. But when I go for a jog out in the ghetto I turn it around so people can't see it. Yep I'm THAT cracker and that paranoid, it's kind of embarrassing.

I don't like solitaire rings and I really liked this one so he got it! Oh, what's that? Why yes I DID pick out my own ring. Why? Because he's a Mexican. Do I REALLY need to say more? I tried to consider his picks but they were all giant-gaudy-full finger-OLD LADY-monstrosities. Barf. I can love him all I want but I don't have to love his barfy taste in jewelry.

I was a bit nervous to tell you folks cuz I thought you might get nervous about my HOR status if I'm gonna get married. But I thought about it for a bit and came up with something. I'll always be a hor, but now I'll have a lifetime customer. I won't have to go a horin around for material cuz I'll have some right here. He's a goof just like me, plenty to laugh at. No worries.

THIS GUY is a guy I work with. He had to help me take the picture of my ring cuz I don't have a steady hand.

He's gonna be 40 yrs old this month. Good luck with that Stache Frankie, maybe turning 40 will kick in your hormones and that bitch will finally grow in. He always cheezes like this and I'll be damned if he wasn't trying to be cute. Too bad he's not gay. He doesn't look like he has any TEETH in this pic and I could really pimp that out. Ah well he could always turn, all mexicans are at least a little bit gay anyways.

Killed My Camera

Sonofabitch.

I dropped my nearly 6 month old digi camera. My first! My baby! And broke it all to hell. $250.00? Dead. Fuck.

And when we were robbed like a month ago? They stole it! I think. I tend to loose things pretty regularly or "put them away." When I "put something away" it's never good because I'm kind of hoaky and forget where the hell I put shit away TO. So I THINK they stole it but, well, ya never know. Anyways I'm kicking myself in the ass because if I wouldn't have procrastinated I could have sent it in to Kodak and they would have replaced it for free. Isn't that nice of them? But no. I let it sit on my counter for a good month and turned it on every couple of days or so to see if maybe it had healed yet. It wasn't healing. Bastard, for two-fiddy that beotch should be able to regenerate limbs if necessary. (and give me a blow job once in a while damn it)

Anyways I went this weekend to buy a new one. They had the SAME one I bought last year for 250 now for 150. How nice. Gosh I really liked that camera and it had everything I could possibly need. But I went shopping ASSUMING that I was going to spend 2-fiddy agian. Sooooo. . . . Well since I WAS ok with spending that much ...... and since I could STIIIIIILLLLL spend it and get a few more mega pixels and brand fancy new fangled opitonnnnssss. . .. .... Yeah. Yep. K.

Dear AssCrack Condescending Businessman:

Sorry but it seems that even though you might make a lot of money - you're still stooopid. Bummer. Really.

This morning on my way back from running some errands for work my boss called and asked if I would pick up a bunch of McDonald's stuff for breakfast for everyone at work. I. Am. Glamorous! :)

Anyways, when I was about to enter the McD's a tall salt n pepper I'm-so-businessman like-and-important-and-stiff-mygod-just-look-at-my-perfectly-jelled-hair guy came up and started speaking to me. I didn't immediately run or yell NO HABLO INGLES! (yeah that one throws people off) because he was obviously captain business America and I didn't THINK he was going to ask me for money. Ok plus it was 7a.m. and my brain wasn't moving at it's normal ghetto safety speed yet.

Mr. Business pointed across the street to a sit-down restaurant and asked me if it is the best place around for breakfast. I told him I'd never been there but for SURE to not go to the I-Hop here because it is disgusting. As I walked into McD's he followed me in and felt the need to explain that - "I'm not here for the food, I don't eat in places like this, I'm just here for the premium coffee."

Uh. EeewMKay well that's nice. And INSULTING and condescending and assholeish. I mean REALLY douchebag? You're going to mention how terrible and revolting and BELOW you the clown food is to someone that is OBVIOUSLY going to be eating it in like 40 seconds? (actually I kind of hate McD's breakfast - why can't they be cool like Burger king and sell their lunch foods 24/7? I WOULD eat a hamburger and fries for breakfast - and no I don't need any preaching about how bad that would be for me- but the POINT is that he didn't KNOW that I hate it)

Honest to God I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic about the "Premium" coffee or if he was being for real. When he went up to order he DID ask for "a large premium coffee." Dork. I'd rather drink the pretend cappuccino from a gas station.

He looked at me a bit goofy when I ordered enough food for 10 people. Ahahaha so I told him that I was there picking up for work. Ok so I'M the dummy there because that opened up the window for him to start small talk. Yuck I didn't want to talk to some asshole stranger about my job - it's too hard to explain to NORMAL people let alone a dildo. Ah well lesson learned.

Lesson Learned: Just because it's well dressed and drives - doesn't mean that I should let down my ghetto guard. NO HABLO INGLES!!