Fukyu Sudoku

These bastard little puzzles are cutting into my time spent on realizing one of my goals in life; to finish a crossword puzzle.

Since I was about 14 I've bought many a book of crossword junk to once again and again bring me to the realization that I suck.

My two most recent purchases: "101 EASY CROSSWORD PUZZLES!!!" and "Crossword Puzzles for Dummies." Yeah well fuck all of you easy/dumb puzzles I still don't know what the hell I'm supposed to put down for more than HALF of your shit face clues.



Examples:

Gary's st. - Who the fuck is gary? I don't KNOW any G-D fucking GARY'S.

Augusta's locale - I have no clue where Augusta is. Why am I supposed to?

Stratford-upon - WHAHHH????

Bawdy - also Whaahhhh????

Half of a bikini - I'm sorry but I associate bikini with "Oh HELL no" and for some reason that doesn't fit in the puzzle. (ok so yeah I DID get that one cuz that was one of the TARD clues they threw in)

When I got to the clue -image of oneself- near the end of the puzzle I couldn't get 'stooopid' to fit. Or lame, or dumb, or daft. Wtf??

I WILL carry on with my quest. One thing I'm not is a quitter. yay.

Back to Sudoku. They've been alluding me ever since they came out. I tried reading the directions and my brain produced the familiar Whhhaaa??? WTF do they want me to do here? Huh?? On my first plane ride last January I tried to get the hot guy next to me to explain the one he was doing but I ended up not being able to pay attention because he was really hot and nice and all I could think was "Omg he's hot, am I turning read? God he's smart, oh God he's too smart can he tell that I'm dumb?? Oh SHIT! My face is starting to sweat. Damn it! Ooooh he's so cute." "I wish I had a condom and gutz cuz I would SO join the mile high club with this dude." "Fuck, why does he have to be so smart? If he were a bit less smart I bet I could talk him into it." "Ah hell I've got the guts but DAMN it his hot/smart combo is making me nervous and now I'm getting nervous sweat and that is SO not sexy." "Shit!" "Oh well wouldn't the stewardess chicks notice two people going in anyways???" "Damn."


- Hot guy - "So, does it make sense now?"


- Me - "Oh, gosh yeah! :) You made it much clearer for me, gosh thanx" :) :) :) "I'm going to read my porn book now"

- "What?"

- "I'm going to read my new book of poetry" (that I bought so I could look smart on the plane)


Anyways last week at work I got one of my co-workers to explain it to me. He is ALSO hot but I tapped that before I met C. and know what it's all about. Plus I'm with C. now so his super hotness only has minimal effect on me. And ever since this magical understanding??

Addicted. I go to www.Krazydad.com/sudoku and print of free puzzles. He's got like thousands so why the hell should I BUY them???

His rating system goes Easy, Intermediate, and two others I can't remember but they are both even harder.

Level Easy is no challenge at all so I don't want to do them cuz, I don't know I might as well just get out my crayons and color.

Intermediate? Well fuck me with a boat I can't finish one of those bitches to save my life. What the HELL? And there are TWO more levels above it? What the hell hole hair brush shit!?!? DAMN IT!!

So. There we go, yet ANOTHER sad sad life goal added to my list - To finish a Krazydad Intermediate sudoku puzzle.

Climb Mt. Everest? Nah.
Become one with the earth and speak with the Dali Lama? No thanx.
Build a better mouse trap? Find a cure for cancer? Figure out how to turn the brain waves of stoooopid people (i.e. me) into fuel for my car cuz FUCK that shit is getting expensive?


No.
Crossword puzzle.
Sudoku intermediate.


There's some other shit on my list like never EVER letting anyone talk me into sky diving because my chute won't open, going to Ireland, having my own personal trainer business, having more than 3 orgasms in one session with my man (I get sleepy ok?) and having at least 6 all in one session by myself. I get REALLY lazy by myself and by # 3 I'm ready to pass out. I've got to work on that.

Relinquish Mattress Hallelujah

I keep a window of Microstoft Word open at all times on my computer.

When I comment on other blogs I don't want to look like the complete illiterate tard that I am, so after I finish typing I run through my comment and throw anything I'm unsure about through Words wonderful spell check.

I'm too lazy to delete anything so words just kind of pile up on there as the day goes on. Anyways this morning at work I pulled up my word box from yesterday (cuz I was over blabbing to Sassy) and the title of this post is what I saw.

I don't have much going on today so I figured I would share with you all just how easily I can be amused - I giggled all alone for a good minute on this one.

BTW I don't want to hear any shit about not being able to spell mattress. Anything with double letters or the possibility of double letters fucks my shit up.

I'd like to give a BIG OLE shout out to UPS!

It starts with "FUCK" and ends with "YOU." Wait, well I guess that would be the entire thing. FUCK YOU!!

There, don't I feel better.

This is the SECOND time in a row that I have used thier online package pick-up and deliver service. (at work) And for the second time IN A ROW no truck has shown up.

I called this morning to see wtf and I followed my usual rule of being polite and cheerful because I know that it's not the fault of the lady on the phone.

I calmly and profesionaly explained that we were supposed to have a truck come yesterday, one never showed up and that I needed some assistance in getting one here.

The lady on the phone then proceeded to tell me that my package had already been picked up. Gee. Ummmmmm well that's funny because I'm LOOKING AT IT RIGHT NOW! But I know she was reading from a screen telling her so. So I politely informed her once again that no, I'm sorry it's still here.

At this point this bitch (why yes, she is a bitch now, not a lady) proceeded to give me a lecture about being carefull when we put multiple packages out on the dock because it can confuse the driver and they might take the wrong one - which she is sure what happened yesterday.

What? WHAT THE FUCK??? I only had ONE FUCKING PACKAGE in the first place you SKANK! And if I DID have more than one package those fuckers JOB is to differentiate between package A and B. Gosh OH NO!!! What if there is a package C!!! What will we DO?!?! The sky will fall!!!

No! You dumb bitch those drivers do a damn good job, they can figure this shit out just fine thank-you, it's your companys STOOOPID fucking worthless website that fucks things up. Your website that didn't forget to CHARGE us even though it was never going to send a truck.

So FUCK YOU and your panty waste whored out syphilitic website!

Ok I don't usually double post but I just read about This FUCKING GRIM REAPER cat And I'd just like to say FUCK THAT SHIT. If that bitch came near me I'd be calling 911 to get my ass out of there and into a real hospital. OMG.

Hal-lay-lu-shja HALAYLUSHJA !!

C. and I have been church shopping. -Gigantic disclaimer to follow-

Yes I DO realize I probably seem to be one of the most non-christian bloggers you read. But hey, maybe it's us heathens who need it most. I USED to be very active in the church and honest to goodness still have my faith. But yes, I AM one shitty Christian, don't worry I'll be the first to admit it and for sure the LAST one to EVER get up on a soap box and start preachen to yall. I'm really not into being labeled as a hypocrite. The end.

An-y-ways. I REALLY love the baptist church that I've been going to since I was 16. It's awesome but the thing is that after moving it is now 30 minutes away. AND Sunday is my only day off - hence my only day to catch up on sleep. Yes. I am THAT much of a bastard to not want to get up early to go see Jesus.

SO! We have been shopping around locally and tying to find a church close to home that is what we need it to be. Last week a friend of C's at work invited him to her church. She said that it is a Spanish speaking church but they have an English translator. I thought OH WOW how coooool! And THEN he told me that it is a Pentecostal church. Oh. Kaaayyyyyy?

I reminded him about some friends of his that are Pentecostal. (since when the hell did all of the mexicans switch from Catholic to Pentecostal btw????) No offense to his friends or their religion, for gosh sake to each his own and all that but I distinctly remember him saying that they were CU-KOO one night after we had them over for dinner and they described all of the wailing and fainting and demons OUTing that they love to participate in 4 times a week.

I asked him what he thought the difference would be. AH HAHAHAHAH silly boy, he said that she TOLD him that their church was almost the SAME as my Baptist church. OH hhohohho hahahaha silly silly boy. He had no idea what us church folk will do to get YOUR ass in OUR pews. Ah ha, my naive little sheep.

We did agree to try any place ONCE and go with an open mind so what the heck we went for it. (ok and the draw of the bilingualness of the place was a HUGE plus)


It started out ok, everyone was very nice and calm and quite welcoming. I WAS the ONLY white person in attendance but the pastor made sure to come up and tell me that they would be translating for me and not to worry. I sort of don't like having attention called to myself AND I really didn't want them to go out of their way for ONE person but they were quite intent on it. OMG the translator looked at me the whole time, like eye contact and EVERYTHING. Gufaawwww how the cracker did turn red. Oh! And the title? Halaylushja? Mexicans apparently have a hard time with the actual pronunciation and this is the version that they came up with. Every time they said it I smiled and realized that I was taking myself one step closer to hell. Ah well it was funny.

We sang some songs - well they did cuz I don't know any spanish Jesus songs - and everything was actually seeming pretty cool and normal. AND THEN! We finished and the Pastor started to pray. -

-Baptists are of the coolness that when you pray you can do what ever you want, bow your head, lift your hands, look up to the heavens, what ever floats your boat. We do our thing, listen to the pastor pray, try to put in our two cents (silently in our head) and say Amen when he's done. Everyone stays silent accept for like two people in the back who will throw in an amen or hallelujah once in a while.

But when this guy started to pray and C. and I silently bowed our heads THIS church came a-freaking-live. They ALL started speaking or making noises of their OWN all at the same time and all while the Pastor got louder an louder and more animated. The louder he got the louder and wilder they got. I actually looked up and around thinking - SHIT!- what the heck?? Translator?? Where did you go? C. had no idea they were even praying, he popped his head up and just started looking around like - "What happened?"


Next we moved on to some preaching. It was loud and a bit wild but they spoke the truth and I got the message. Good deal.
Moving on to Prayer Time again. At this point they asked people to come up to the front of the church so that they could pray at the alter and the pastor and his pals could help you out with that. I saw the dude grab some anointing oil and thought in my head Holy Roller batman the show is going to START!!


Poor baby C. It was like a bad car accident and he couldn't look away. When people started gyrating and shaking he looked at me and practically POINTED like - ARE YOU SEEING THIS??? When they started to WAIL and scream and chicks started dropping to the floor like flies (fainting) he went really still. And just stared. I just kind of looked around the room and glanced over once in a while. I didn't want to be a rubbernecker like my leetle friend. At one point he actually turned to me and told me that he was scared. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHHHAHAHH Oh God thank you for helping me not laugh at him. OH hahaha ho ho heeeeeeeee cuz his sweet little self was serious and it would have been pretty mean. Poor baby.


I looked over once and noticed that they were covering up the fainted chicks with bath towels (????) and once again almost laughed out loud, so I figured I better go back to staring at the poster on the wall.


C's friend from work came back and practically BEGGED him for us to come up to the front so the whole church could pray for the new people. Bless his heart he was very calm and polite in his no-thank-you's. If he wouldn't have been scared I would have messed with his ass and pretended like I wanted to go up. OH well maybe another day. *snort snort*

2.75 hours after we arrived we were finally set free. PHEW!! And on Monday? Want to know what that leeetle beotch told his friend at work why we wouldn't be returning??? He told her that I, I ??? was a little freaked out.

Dork.

I Was Robbed.

For real like not even a joke and I'm such a naive cracker I didn't even GET IT at first.

I came home yesterday and noticed that our back door (which is always locked) was open. I honestly thought "Huh, that's weird it must have popped open." And proceeded to try my damnedest to get it to close. Over and over again I tried and finlay decided to inspect the lock to see if it was jammed or something. Swear to God I noticed that the door jam seemed bent out of shape, didn't miss a beat and went back to trying to get the door closed. A few seconds later the possibility slowly started to hit upon my rock of a brain.

Common Sense -"Knock Knock"

Brain - "Whaat?"

Common Sense - "Got something to tell you"

Brain - "Gawwwdd WHAT??? Can't you see I'm busy?? I'm trying to get this damn door to close, it's warped or . . . . Oh."



Me - ?? Nuh-Uh. I glanced around again and saw nothing out of place. At that point I walked into our bedroom and saw that my special night time clothes drawer was pulled out and placed on our bed. Another drawer was pulled out and left open. "Oh."

At that point I walked around the house and checked everything out to see if anything else had been disturbed.

OH MY FUCKING GOD I DIDN'T THINK for like even TWO FUCKING seconds that a scary cracked out murderer might be hiding in the house. WHAT IS WRROONNGGG WITH MEE?????? When we watch DVD's at home I am the "Black Lady in the theater" and start talking shit about stoopid bitches like me in the movies. "Ooooo whould you look at that dumb bitch? Mebee her implants done cuf off the cirkulation to her fuckin head. Dumb bitch walkin round like that. Gonna get her ass keeled that's what she's goan do."

Nothing was out of place except the drawers so I thought maybe c. had come home at lunch and was searching for his I.D. He's always loosing it and he keeps it in the drawer next to mine so I don't know I thought maybe he was on a wild search or something.

I left my cell phone at work so I couldn't call him right away. The damn door was for real busted so I got some string and tied the handle to a nail in the wall and drove back to work to get my phone. Yes that's right I have NO CLUE what his # is and I don't have it written down anywhere. Yes. I KNOW ok??? I get it now.

So I called C. and asked him if he broke into the house. Nope. AAAANDD commence mega mexican tizzy. Holy damn.

Turns out that I never got around to depositing his cash from the checks that he cashed this weekend and in his sock drawer there was $700. Oh. My bad. I went back to check and HIS drawer was still closed. Well too bad the money in it was gone, but really how cordial of the thief to put C's socks neatly back in and close the drawer. Why the fuck he couldn't put MY drawers back is beyond me but what ever.

Fucking FUCK I feel so stupid. When I first moved in my first order of lady of the Ghetto was for him to install a deadbolt on the front door. The back? Never even considered it. It's way up off the ground and has no steps going up to it. PLUS it is in open view of 6 other houses. Thanks a lot neighbors, really fuck you all too. I just never really thought about it. Fuck? Fuck.


That door now has TWO dead bolt locks thanks to my handy little bean eater. Check out my sexy "Paint" skillz of my rendition of how our ghetto door would look if I was REALLY let loose with the door locks.
Sorry but I got in a hurry and didn't put up any curtains.

Thank goodness the took the money and ran. OMG we had car keys on the table, ALL of my personal info just sitting about, my SSN CARD laying on my desk. My guitar, my violin that I've had since like the 8th grade, my jewelry (ok my pretend jewelry but it's sentimental damn it) CD's neatly in a portable case, blah blah list goes on. So yeah it could have been REALLY bad. Everything is nice and tucked away in a safe right now and my bigger stuff is actually in MY CAR at work with me that will be transported to a safer dwelling tonight.

One with hillbillies and guns and knives and dogs. Yes I DO love my parents. Anything that we don't NEED to live is going to the "safe house" until we get our asses out of the Ghetto.


I TOLD him that we live in the Ghetto. I TOLD him that we need to move. He believes me now, how very smart. AND I think I might be able to work this into getting a dog. Sweeeeet.

Phisical Fun Had By All

To keep my class A drivers license I have to take a physical every two years and YAY!! And yesterday was the day!!

Aaaakk I forgot all of the insane things they do to a person. First thing they did when I walked in was hand me a little cup and asked me to pee. WTF?? It wasn't a drug screen so I didn't know I'd have to pee so I peed before I went to the apt. cuz everybody knows that you have to wait like 2 hours in the aptly named "waiting room." Why don't they call it the "Wait two hours past your apt. time and piss you off royally while sick people spread ebola and the black lung all over you room???" The room with all of the great magazines that I REALLY want to read but refuse to because fuck that I'm not getting strep throat or herpes or something.




Anyways, oh yeah the peeing in the cup thing? I CAN'T pee under pressure. I just fucking can't do it unless I'm about to die of an over filled bladder. The nurse told me to drink TWENTY of the little pee cups filled with water. What? Did I type that she told me to DRINK out of the PEE CUP?????? Ok so I KNOW that it was a clean cup but just the thought of drinking out of the cup that I was soon going to piss in just kind of grossed me out. And TWENTY?? Fucking twenty cups?? She said that if I drink that much it would push through my system by the time the physical was finished. And does anyone need a reminder that there is NO COLD FUCKING WATER in a doctors office??? Luke warm at best. After about 10 cups of luke warm pee cup water I ALMOST puked and said fuck it and just quit.

Anyways I'm all pukey and in walks the doctor. Thank you God she was nice because I'm an idiot and I'm not good at being touched by strangers. First off the knee reflex hammer that makes me giggle cuz it feels funny and strait into the running a wooden stick along the bottom of my feet that REALLY tickled - btw what the FUCK is that one all about??? She tickled the bottom of my foot with a tongue depressor and then just threw it away. What the HELL did that TELL her? YES I'M ticklish didn't you figure that out with the hammer test??? GAWD and on we went to lay back so I could pull up my shirt *squirm* so she could poke my tummy and make me laugh some more and at one point have to stop and wait for my crazy ass to stop giggling so she could continue. AAAAND on to placing hands in rather uncomfortable places and making me cough - at which point I go silent and ridged - giggling OVER.

The worst part being over, all she had left for me to do was touch my toes with out bending my knees Ahh ahahahahahahha arent't you a SILLY doctor?? How bout one hand at a time? I can do that.


Great. Done. Oh. You STILL need me to pee? Shit. I went to the bathroom and tried in vain for a bit and came back out to sit in my usual retard-can't-pee-chair and have everyone walk by and ask me what I'm doing sitting there and then walk by me again and again and stare at me like the freak of nature that I am -


-all while having my bladder slowly fill up to the point to where my clenched urethra can no longer fight the DON'T PEE THE WORLD WILL EEEENNNNDDDD signals from my brain and I can squeeze out a few drops for the vampires of piss.




Yay! I got my card and drove to the nearest gas station - yeah because THAT'S the ideal place to pee -ack- but at least in the comfort of a gas station with no one waiting to steal my pee my brain can finally let loose and allow me to go and not DIE from a busted bladder.


If I have the hiccups all I have to do is close my eyes and think about them stopping and immediately they stop. I tried to visualize peeing yesterday and my brain told me to fuck off. That's bullshit. That's really bullshit.

Mexican Sex Revenge Part Two

Sometimes that Mexican can really teach me a lesson.

Last night I decided to get me a piece of my sweet Spanish Fly. Ok not much new with that. Anyways, we were doing our thing getting started and SOMEBODY was a little over zealous about having some special attention paid by me to his LEETLE FRIEEEND. I was feeling goofy and thought it would be just the bees knees to have a little fun with him.

When I went on down to say hello I scrunched up my nose, made an icky face and sniffed. "*Sniff sniff*, *nose scrunch*" "Ew." He just looked at me. " *sniff sniff*" "It smells fishy what did you DO??"




Hear me out! I figured he would do exactly what he does when I tell him his feet stink (and THEY DO.) He always gives me a dirty look and say's "No they don" And I say yes they do and tell him he's nasty, then he laughs at me tries to shove a sock in my face and say's "Jew know jew liyyke eet!" We laugh, there is much sock shoving, play wrestling everyone is happy and we move on. Ha ha, fun is had by all - la-dee-da.

OKAY!! Not so much in this situation. Who knew? He looked at me for a bit. . . Silence. And then DEAD PAN, "Dat's ok sometimes you smell too."

*insert sound of car crash and my little world coming to a complete stop, gravity letting loose and everything flying off into space* Yes, what ever sound that might make. OH THE HORRRRROORRRR!!!

What?? My wonderful botanical garden of everything sweet and nice?!?! My ever so carefully showed, groomed, buffed, and lovely scented and flavored with Jessica Simpson edible lotion for special occasions WITH sparkles and peppermint at ALL TIMES special place of all that is wonderful? OH. my. God. Ohmygod?? Oh. Dear oh my. How could it be?? This Hor's pride and joy CRUSHED in 6 words.

DESERT TREATS!!

"But I was just kidding."

*horrible pout of crushed soul*

"Jyeah I feeegured, and me too, but jew have to know how eeet feels."

"You were kidding???" *insert the sound of hope, angels singing and my world starting to turn again*

He laughed at me, smiled and said "Jes of course, I don't keees tings dat smaale."

Oh. OH WELL THANK FREAKING GAAAAWWWD. Because I think I'd need counseling. For heavens sake I'm practically OCD about the state of my little place of everything that IS wonderful and sweet.

Hell I could be a slogan for a toothpaste commercial - "Sparkling Fresh."

He's lucky he didn't let me stew for more than about two seconds because I'm not sure if I would have died from embarrassment or my head caving in, really I just can't decide.

Punk. Lesson learned and point one for you.

Punk.

I GOT MINE!!

I was a little jealous of all the blogs I've been reading lately about people getting weird ass phone calls. Not even going to lie. But HEY!! Two nights ago I got one. And I sort of could have done without it.

A bill collector called our house. Thankfully not for MY ass.

"Hello is Kachika Harem there?"

"Who?"

"Kachicka."

"No I'm sorry nobody lives here by that name."

-his tone of voice goes into shitty mode at this point-

"Uh huh." Is this ____ _____, Mi?"

"Yes"

"Is this #_ _ _-_ _ _ _?"

"I don't know, I just moved here and I don't know my number yet."

(Ok so I didn't JUST move there but I don't know our number because I ONLY use my cell phone. And it was at this point that the guy started to go wacky.)

-voice raised, a bit of anger - "Right so you're trying to tell me that you just moved there and you don't even KNOW your OWN phone number?" "Is that REALLY what you are trying to tell me?"

"Yeeeess?"

"Oh please that's just.." And that's the point where I cut him off because I was pissed at him for insulting me and said -

"Excuse me? ....." I just moved here and you're going to be RUDE to me and INSULT me because I don't know my phone number, AND I'm not even the person you're LOOKING for?!" -he tries to interrupt me and yell at me but I was pissed and ignored him- "You know what?" "Fuck You!"

He started yelling at me but I hung up the phone. I know that the conversation seemed a bit short but he was really really rude and I didn't feel like taking it.
He called me back in about a half second.

Me - "Hello?"

-Yelling- "If you EVER speak rude to me like that again I'm going to come up there and I'm goint to" He scared the shit out of me because I knew he was going to say something crazy and I was afraid he was going to say he was going to kill me or something so I didn't let him finish and just screamed "FUCK YOU!!!!!!" and hung up the phone.

He called back AGAIN so I just picked it up and put it down. I went and made sure all our doors were locked cuz I was afraid some crazy guy was going to come and beat me up or something and then I went back to the phone and did the *69 thing that tells you what number called you last.

And YAY! They are not blocked, I got the number, the date and the exact time of the phone call.

I keep trying to call back so I can speak with someone about what happened but always get a busy signal. Fuckers. I'll get to it somehow.

I know it wasn't cool to say fuck you but he was goll darn rude and insulting. AND it's his JOB to do his thing and be professional and not just start yelling and then threatening people. That's not cool.
So, - FUCK YOU YOU BLEEDING ASSHOLE SON-OF-A-SYPHILITIC-METH-CHUGGING-CRACK-WHORE!!!!!!

-No offense to syphilitic meth chugging crack whores-

Kuck-OO WhOOps!!

We had a customer come in yesterday that is so loud and condescending that after she left I went back to my boss (that really can't stand the lady) and said, " Holy crap I don't even like that woman!" My boss replied that if I don't like someone that they've got to be REEAALLLY bad. (cuz ok I'm friendly, whatever)

Right before that I was talking with a co-worker about eating and mentioned that I'm really not a picky eater and will eat anything except guts.

Anyways, those two things sort of hit me as funny and all at once I started to bust out laughing because I realized that I'm like a stray dog. As long as you don't beat me or yell at me, and if you feed me, I'll pretty much like you no matter what. It would happen that I was filing paperwork in the next room over from my boss (all alone) when I decided to have my giggle fit, so well ya know that kind of sux cuz people tend to think your crazy for that sort of thing.

CUCK-OO!!!!!!


And I couldn't really explain my stray dog theory to my boss cuz I don't think it sounds nearly as funny out loud (or written for that matter) as it does in my head. Oh well she probably thinks I'm batty for liking everybody anyways.

AAAANNDD this morning my co-worker microwaved some generic dollar store baloney for a sandwich and it smells like a dead body and dog food in here. My boss "yelled" (not really she was just messing but thank god anyways) at him so he sprayed half a can of air freshener (that smells like rotten fruit) and now I'm sitting here in a horrible funk with all of the doors open and honest to god trying not to puke my granola bar up. Honest to goodness one more thing and I will loose my cookies. And THAT freaks me out because I'm not sure if it is really THAT revolting or god what if I have morning sickness or I'm pukey because I really am prego.

Ok that's enough. I didn't have a set plan today so I just rambled and I'm not sure if that was such a good idea but hell I'm too nauseous to think clear so I'm just I'm going to spell check and print. Can I take "the" test yet? Google here I come.

Nice little G-rated Rosie the new found hor tagged me. I always do tags but rarely tag anyone else cuz I don't want to piss anybody off. Except this time I'm tagging TRAVIS because he's a dirty little bitch and made fun of me for being tagged again. (omg I found this picuture on the burning man website and I'm oddly turned on by it so I figured I'd share, (sorry to the strait guys) but for real click on it to enlarge cuz it looks better and enjoy)


So here we go.

4 things that should be removed from the face of the earth:

Bugs. Deja-vu anyone? And no I DON'T care if they take care of decomposing like everything and play so many important roles in the ecosystem, this is a tag so I can say what ever I want - and I say they can all go to hell.

Telemundo. - If you've never heard of it I envy you. It's a spanish/latin/mexican fuck if I know the politically correct word for it but it's a giant beaner network on t.v. Every program is either like Passions with a mix of slapstick or some horrible game show with one friggin hoochie after another lined up to bounce and talk to the SUPER hoochie host that either talks like a man or a two year old girl. They also have comedy variety shows that end up being a horrrrrrrrrrible rendition of SNL mixed with the 3 stooges*, abbot and costello*, I love lucy*, the Red Green show (god save us all on that one) and fucking Barney all whipped up into a nauseating confection that makes me want to pull out my hair aaaaaaaand guage out my eyes.

What's next... ah yes disease. And no I don't care if there would be too many people left on earth and it would get too crowded because maybe the people that don't die would be smart enough to figure out how to colonize the oceans or the moon or something without fucking everything up so piss off.

Lastly, - Hate. That would be a nice one, we could all just get along and sing songs and hug trees and smoke a lot of weed because I also removed disease. Look at this fuckin hippie I bet HE doesn't hate anything. Well maybe except for vaginas but whatever, what ever floats your boat.


3 things people do that make you want to shake them violently:

- Lying
- Judging without just cause or getting to know the situation first
- And those fuckers that can NEVER fucking EVVVERRRRRR make a decision about where to eat or what to do. "I don't know, what ever you want to do." And then aren't happy with what you choose. FUCK ALL OF YOU PEOPLE I HATE YOU.


2 things you find yourself moaning about:

- Very small penises - it's really a shame
- Big penises - cuz MMMmmmmmmm


1 thing the above answers tell you about yourself:

- I don't know, how about you all tell me.


*nothing against these shows I'm just trying to paint a picture I fuckin love "I love Lucy."

Ok not so Fabulous.

Ok Sunday. We bug bombed, stashed our cats in our other car and went to the movies. When we came home there was a strange car in our parking space with two of our neighbors standing around it talking and a guy sitting inside of it all by himself with his windows rolled up.

All I could think was Holy Fuck are these people ALL freaked out by the cats in the car??? Oh. MY. GAWD!!! But turns out no. Turns out that this guy chino works with and has talked to a couple of times that we also saw in a bar the other night decided to pay us a visit.

But here is the thing - our new visitor? He's deaf. But not just deaf he doesn't know hardly any signs, just the alphabet. But the alphabet doesn't really help him much because he never really learned to read. He grew up really poor in Mexico and his parents didn't know what to do so they just did nothing and made him watch the family cows. He knows a few words of English and some REALLY REALLY basic Spanish. And like I said hardly any signs. I can sign the alphabet and this dude can do some crazy magical charades. OH my gosh if you pay attention and he goes slow he can give you a lot of information about his life just through his own personal form of charades. It's kind of amazing to watch.

But anyways our neighbors were all over there trying to figure out what the hell this dude was doing sitting in front of our house for or THREE HOURS. We thought we had made plans to go out with him next saturday but he thought we meant the next day. So he sat there and waited for us.

(By the way you might have realized by this point that you have been bamboozled cuz this post isn't really all that funny but I don't know what to do so I'm coming to my internet pals to dump this on and beg for advice. Just so you know, and I promise I'll go back to being funny tommorow.)

He and C. "spoke" at work a few times with their made up hand motions and some written spanish. And then after meeting ME at the bar and being able to communicate with me somewhat, apparently he has come to the conclusion that we are his new found saviors. He doesn't have any real friends, only his brother that brought him here from mexico like 10 years ago and of whom doesn't have any real interest in teaching him anything.

And the other problem??? He is Mexican, and has no english speaking friends or family but all of the sign books he has that he has been trying to teach himself are in english. He showed up at our house AGAIN last night because he STILL didn't understand that we wanted to go out Saturday. We had to get out a calender and teach him what the names of the week mean, so now he gets it.

Both times that he's come we all sit at the kitchen table and go over his book and he points to stuff in his book and we try our best between the two of us, my abc signs, english and c's spanish to help him understand what they mean. Food, baby and stuff like that are easy but try explaining the difference between regret and remorse. It took us a half hour to explain Noon, Mother, mistake, and random. Ok so we ended up giving up on random and I felt like shit.

He told us using his charades about seeing a car accident on his way to our house, more about his family and has mentioned again and again and again about wanting to have a family. That is his primary goal. He wants to find a woman and have babies. He wants to be loved. OH and damn it would you KNOW he's picky!! The man for all of is lack of knowledge is NO dummy he's freaking intelligent for sure and he wants a good woman. He wants her to be attractive and to not already have babies. That's nice but HOW THE FUCK is he going to DO that????

Granted he has a decent job, a car, he's decent looking, funny and REAAAALLLLY Nice but. . . oh well shit you KNOW. Anybody know any intelligent attractive women without babies that are looking for a severe fixer-uper???

On the for real front I don't know if they have sign language for spanish or if it's all the same or if he should just stick with the ASL (american sign language.) We have some college courses around here that teach ASL but they are for crackers like me that speak english and can read and shit. He needs somebody like Helen Keller or something and I'll be damned if I'm that person. I'm impatient and I suck ass a charades.

I'm going to do my best to do some research and try to find out what I can do to help but if anybody knows ANYTHING I'd appreciate the heads up.

This is a big ole mess I know, and I know that I can't take in every stray that comes my way but this one is a good one. He doesn't drink or do drugs or ask for ANYTHING but to have the chance to learn. But I'm not the right person for the job. How the hell do I find a modern day Helen??? Shit.

Ghetto Fabulous

Fuck fucking shit I HAAATE bugs! OH ew ew eeeeew. When I first moved into the Mexicans bachelor pad I soon came to realize he had (oh god I can hardly type it oh jesus) freaking cockroaches. And for honest to G-d fucks sake he didn't even seem to mind. I'm not sure how a sweet mostly intelligent guy can just not care but there they were in all of their horror.

Anyways I do believe I blogged about that experience and the massacre that followed. Yay!! bugs be gone.


Well I'll be shit fucked if last week I didn't see another one. WTF?? How is it that in 24 years of living I've never even SEEN one of these little bastards and now, in the last year I've had to deal with an out right infestation?? How??? Be shit damned ghetto I bet that's how. Everything is at the fault of the Ghetto. Whore.

OH OH OH!!! And I KNEW that if I saw one that that damn mexican would have too so I grilled his ass and lo-an-behold that little beaner had seen one TWO weeks ago. AAAHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEWWW. Oh oh no fuck ew fuck ew he didn't. And he had the audacity to tell me that he didn't mention it because he knew that I would freak out. Excuse ME???? I don't see anyone freaking out. Really what is he talking about? What-EH-ver. I see someone that doesn't want to live in a horror show and be killed by sheer terror of living with monsters or eating monster infested food, thank-you-very-much because bugs are monsters. Asshat.

LOOK at that picture. They have fucking skulls for faces. Monsters. End of discussion.

So anyways Sunday I plastic wrapped my fish and snail tanks, turned off all appliances and bug bombed our house with approximately twice the recommended amount of spray cans. Fuck it, either the fog kills them or it burns down our house just as long as they are dead. I can't be brought to care.

Oh and the cats? Yeah here's the AWESOME ghetto idea that my jumping bean came up with. Since they would get beat up and DIE if we left them outside for 2.5 hours he came up with the most brilliant idea of throwing their asses in our other car while we were gone. It was nice cool weather so I don't want any animal cruelty bullshit, they were fine.

I did feel slightly bad though when I went to take the big one (the one that got beat up by the ghetto cat last week) outside and SWEAR to God she grabbed on to the door frame with both front feet just like in a cartoon and tried her damnedest to hold on. Luckily I know this little walking trick called reverse. Silly kitty.

(Our house didn't burn down but I HAVE to tell you what we found when we got home cuz it's ghetto fabulous but I've already typed too much for people to read anyways so I'll see yall tommorra.)

OHFUCKOHSHITOHFUCKOHSHIT

Oh god oh shit oh man. I'm going to be o.k. It's going to be fine. I'm GOING TO KILL MY MEXICAN!!!!!!! (oh lord please don't let him get killed cuz it'll look like I for real did it)

Is there a limit as to what I will share with my internet pals? Guess not cuz here this shit comes. Oh fuck.

My Mexican and I were gettin it on all good 'n' freaky last night. YAY! It had been like 2.5 days cuz of his jobs so we were due for some spanish fly. Right so we had JUST JUST got started into the real deal after all the warm-up, we got like 40 seconds in and he quit. And I thought, oh good boy, yes let's do put the ole condom on now before we get too far.

But then I felt that thing that chicks can feel when dudes do their thang, and I looked up and saw his I'm-so-happy-but-shit-my-bad-it's-been-so-long-I-promise-I'll-make-it-up-to-you-in-5-minutes look. Oh the horror. He saw the look on MY face and said "Oops." "OHHHH I'm sorry." "I'm sorry."

I wonder how many people blog about the exact moment that they were knocked up? I have no idea for sure, but I'm kind of on the time cusp of maybe could, maybe not. So we'll see. Ohshitohfuckoshit.

Honest to GOD the first thing I thought after he said "Oops" was "Oh my God that will have been the FIRST thing ever said about our child." And then I thought about asking him if we could name it oops. Just the middle? But I didn't think it would be very appropriate at the time.

I have a prescription for birth control that I've been too lazy to fill for like a month and we always use a condom with spermicide. But last night? We only had regular condoms and SOMEONE FUCKING FORGOT that he needs to wear one! Oh my fucking shit gawd. So this is how people fuck up. I've always been a bit smug on that whole subject, I mean REALLY how hard is it to just take proper precaution!?! It's NOT THAT FUCKING HARD!!!!

Well. Doesn't someone feel stooopid now? Why yes she does.

One screw up in my 8 years of gettin it on. And it WOULD have to be during a time of POSSIBLE fertility. The odds are against it happening but really? I live in the Ghetto and I think you become more fertile when you move to the Ghetto. Or maybe just more fucking SSTOOOPID!! *Ahem* Excuse me, that's not very nice.

It was truly an accident on his part, that at least I know for sure. He flipped out because he was afraid I might cause him bodily harm and promised that he didn't do it on purpose. Hell, I know he didn't, I was there I could tell. But I'll be damned if that fucker couldn't keep a smile off of his face at the prospect. Baby wanting to make bastard. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Well. If you'll excuse me now, I'm going to go into a flat out state of denial for the next couple of weeks and then hopefully have the honor to tell you all about my happy dance when I get my next "visitor."

At least he DID live up to his I'll-make-it-up-to-you-in-5-minutes-look. (with a condom for gods sake) Just because I might be royally fucked doesn't mean that I'm not gonna get MINE damn it.

FUCK. Me. Wait No, I Can Do That Myself.

No not sex toys today. Just me BEING an Dildo. (ew that just put a weird icky picture in my head)

I started a new eating plan last week. Whatever right? Who didn't?
Anyways I was really into it, fruit/flax/soy smoothie in morning, brown rice and veggies for lunch, brown rice, beans and veggies for dinner. Snack? Fruit. I was actually happy for like 6 days and really enjoying the food. Honestly, I love some fresh summer veggies.

But then yesterday one of my co-workers brought in doughnuts. FUCK and they were my favorite! I figured I could have one and just skip some stuff later. (what the G-d hell I KNOW better!) One turned into two (omy fuck no they were bavarian creme!!) I didn't eat lunch (gee cuz the 200 calories from my veggies were going to matter at this point?) and ended up starving when I got home. That turned into me eating a white bread and turkey sandwich, and then some Cheetos and then a candy bar that was for some god forsaken reason in the house. And then some more candy.

I can't deprive myself of sugar and then fly off the fuck-up deep end and eat a shit load of it all at once. It sends me into I'm-a-super-dumb-ass-binge mode. I go insane. On the way home from work I forgot I was driving a stick and coming up to the first stop sign killed the car from lack of shifting OUT OF NEUTRAL!!!

And then I went to sleep. For real I've not been getting enough sleep so I figured fuck the whole day and went to sleep at 7:30.** Woke up this morning and the scale had jumped back up the 3 precious lbs that I had lost. Was it water loss in the first place or water gain today from the insane eating yesterday? OR how A-FUCK-BOUGHT my body hates me and turned it all into fat in a matter of hours because it hates me? How bought that? Seems the most likely really.

Today is a new day. Fuck yesterday it can suck my non-existent balls and die. Or no, how about yesterday can suck those GIANT ass balls on the rat in the picutre below. Holy SHIT those fuckers are huge.



**I'd like to ad a disclaimer that I do know that going on a psycho diet and depriving myself a lot of shit mixed with no sleep is a disaster waiting to happen anyways but this is how I chose to roll, my bad I DO know better.

Mexican Sex Toy Revenge

Oh what fun I've been having lately with all of the trips to sex shops. YAY! What fun to have all of my toys and play with them too!

Oh silly silly girl you should have KNOWN it would come to an end.

Confession - My Mexican isn't as far on the ban-wagon about toys as I am. Well shit at least he WASN'T. In fact he was/is pretty damn intimidated by the whole me having a dildo thing. HAVE YOU SEEEEEEN A RABBIT toy? He hasn't yet, he's only seen my much smaller more vanilla toys and THEY freaked his ass out. He'd never even BEEN to a toy store. Shit!

(confession - I hid my jackrabbit in my lock-box)

I've been talking to him about toys and trying to get him used to the idea gently and telling him that "Why yes darling Man Of Men you satisfy my every womanly need, oh you stud you, blah blah blah." But your ass works 18 hours a day and I get bored with myself. See? It's not you it's me. I bore myself and I want toys.

I thought the subject was dropped until on our way back from Chicago this weekend and we passed the sex store billboard. He mentioned going and of COURSE I was all "Whoo Hooo!!" What a way to get him a little jazzed up right?

He casually glanced at all of the girl toys, outfits, (Bitch why didn't you buy me a dirty outfit??) had a slight heart attack about the gay men stuff, and asked me dead pan if I thought one of the EXTRA SUPER GIANT sized dildos would fit. IN ME!! I told him that they are novelty items but he seemed to think that they must be there for a reason and asked me AGAIN!! I had a hissy and asked him what the fuck HE thought. He started to get it and mumbled something about how women can have a baby come out so....just curious.

I was hoping to get more of a reaction from him out of seeing "The fist" but he really didn't seem fazed. WTF?? Whatever. Any-freakin-way when we got to the man toys he fucking lit UP! He was amazed at all of the different toys for men to jack to their cocks content in. It was like he had lived in a desert for 90 years and was seeing the ocean for the first time. He jokingly said "I'm going to get ME a toy." Haahahaha silly me thought he was making a joke about me having toys, so I said "Hey! Go for it, how fun!"

Turns out he was serious. Well. Hrrmph. Fine. If you think you need one. Whatever. I. Don't. Care.

Tables turned. Guess who DOES care? Guess who actually broke down and said what if it's better than me and you like it more because it's all super tight and ribbed and stuff? (You motherfucker I never would have had a second thought if you wouldn't have asked me if I could fit that giant dildo and made me start second guessing the super wonderfulness of my leeetle va jay jay you bastard)

Long story short (well not really) he ended up giving me the same spiel (that I give him) about how love always makes it better and that no matter what I could never be outdone by a toy.

So I feel a little better. Ok a lot better cuz he bought a cheap toy and I didn't tell him that if you buy a cheap toy it's going to be shitty. Yes that IS how I roll. And lo and behold he didn't really like it. Awww poor baby.

HA!

I Need a Fucking Sippy Cup

Damn it all I still haven't learned how to drink out of a fucking cup. I've spilled my green/white/black fusion tea on my t-shirt no less than 3 times in the last 20 jesus christ minutes. This is a daily occurrence and it is absurd.

My boss just told me to buy a straw, and that it would be a bit less conspicuous than a sippy cup. (cuz I told her I was gonna buy a sippy cup) I guess she hasn't noticed that I also knock over my giant glass covering my desk and lap at least once daily. (that whole I'm a retard clutz thing)

I've been considering a sports bottle for about a year now but damn it it'll be like $10 and the cups at work are free.

Yes. I'm that wretchedly cheep. I spent $168 on clothes and shoes this weekend, (And 70 on sex toys last week) but damn it the cups are FREE!!!

Too bad, I always loved my sippy cups when I was a kid.

Update: More proof. By 7:15 this morning I managed to once again spill my beautiful tea all over my desk. And the really bad part? I don't know how it happend. I just happend to look over from my computer - and there it was, cup on it's side. I want one of those cone things that Sparx mentioned. I think it might be time, like when an old person finaly has to give in and wear depends. No offense to old folk, when I get there I'm going to blog about how much wearing depends pisses me off and tell all of my horror stories of leakage. Cuz I'm cool like that.

Ass Crack Waiter

I swear I've mentioned this before but I can't remember where so I'm posting about it anyways. Since the theme of this is me getting OLD I'm just gonna claim senility and go with it.

Since turning 25 I've been getting "carded" less and less. I've always LIKED being carded, and it's painful to have it sllowwwly wrenched out of my hands like sally struthers and a snack-ie cake.

Wait. Slowly? Never fucking mind that! C. and I went out to a nice restaurant like a month ago. It was our first venture to a nice place together (and the first in his LIFE for him) so we were fucking nervous excited.

What better way to loosen up then say, order a few drinks??? Why ssooortanley! As we were ordering I coyly got out my little purse to get my card and the waiter turned to me and said, I SHIT YOU NOT - "Oh....(shitty look as he onced over me again, and headshake) no, you're fine." Turned to c...... "But I'm going to need to see yours."

And that ladies, gentlemen and hors, was the end of my youth coming to a blunt screeching halt. I was bewildered as I watched chino scrounge around for his I.D. Gazed dazedly as the waiter put it practically up to his fucking snob nose and inspected every square inch of it, and FINALY announced that he was good.

Oh NO THE FUCK HE DID NNNNNOTT FUCKING just do that!! Dear Bitchcrack could you not have thought for a couple of seconds before throwing out a fiery dagger strait through my little moisturized, chemical peeled, microderm abased body strait into my heart? Huh dickwad?? HUH!?!?!?! WHAT THE GOD DAMNED FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! And to give me the withering, who are you trying to fool lady?, sick fuck look that you gave to me when I tried to hand mine over before you said anything?

Isn't your pay like 80% tips? Seems like you would think about that before throwing out a fuckwad comment like that.

I hope you go to hell and have to gargle Satan's cum after every time he fucks you in the ass.

Ok so THAT went a little far. I apologize, I don't hope he goes to hell, that's really not nice, and I'm honestly not that evil. (But I'm not backspacing it)

So anyways our food was good and maybe he's just stooopid or wasn't thinking or was having a bad day. I don't know but I still tipped him 25%. I read too much Waiter Rant (the blog), and I know that sometimes I have retard moments that I'd like to go back and shove a boot in my mouth, (every day) so I couldn't really bring myself to tip shitty.

So that's that. I kind of feel better now.

Douchebag.

I Skinned my Knee trying to Kick a Ghetto Cats Ass.

Update again. She's back to being just stoooopid as usual and not being a crazy beotch any more. And I'm going to buy that squirt gun.


Update: My fat cat that got attacked has lost her mind. She thinks her sister is the one that kicked her ass and hasn't stopped hissing and growling for about 24 hours. Every time the little one walks by the big one goes into extreme defense mode and flips her gourd. And the poor little one doesn't get it AT ALL. I tried to put them together and show her it's ok but she went all stiff and catatonic (hahah pun) so I quit and now I don't know what to do. Too bad I'd rather be shot than call a pet psychic.


Sometimes on a nice day we open our door, leave it open and sit outside. The house airs out and my Kee-kats come out on to the little porch and sit and stare in wonder. They're house cats so being outside freaks them right the hell out.

Lately they've been getting a little braver and will venture out on to the grass. (but only under my supervision cuz there's a road) Think sweet cat pictures with butterflies and happy faces and gag a couple of times and you'll get the level of cuteness they aspire to playing around outside for the first time.

And then there are the Ghetto cats. We've had the same big male cat come up and spy on my beauties from a far for a couple of weeks now, every time they come out. My gals have all the brains and instinct of a cow so they're pretty much oblivious of him even when he's 20 feet away.

I thought maybe Mr. Ghetto was just tryin to seek out some new ho's and figured that he would at some point would realize that deez bitches neva come in heat because dae be fixed.

Anyways, yesterday we were doing our peaceful sitting outside thing and Mr. Ghetto cat started getting close. I thought (stoooooopid) oh how nice he's going to sniff noses and butts and try to whoo my bitches.

Fucking NOPE!! He got within 10 feet and my fat cat started hissing her ass off, (but didn't run, that's my girl!!!) And that fucking ghetto trash attacked her. Not nice, calm down bitch I'm just tryin to check out cho merchandizze fighting, but for real they were SCRAPIN. I've never heard such noises in my life and I flipped out and ran up to the big ball of fur and scary-ness and started to scream and stomp. Yeah, that did a whole lot. But eventually mr. Fucker saw me and freaked out and ran off a little ways.

My girl ran into the house like fucking greased lightning and I decided to take off after Mr. Ghetto with the magazine I was holding in my hand. I'm not sure what the hell I was thinking but I'm pretty sure if I would have got close enough I would have hit him with it. (I was a little flipped out, forgive me ok?) Anyways he ran across the street and was heading to go under somebodies house and I circled around to cut him off. He was a bit dazed and I was for real gonna get close enough to at least THROW my woman's day magazine at him. (for real what good did I think that would do?) But just as I got close he sprinted right and I went to cut his ass off and didn't realize that there was like a FUCKING STUMP sticking up out of the ground and well yeah, I sort of ran into it and fell down and rolled a couple of times and ripped my jeans and skinned my knee.

Fuckers lucky I'm a clutz. Just sayin. N-E ways by this point some of C's friends had showed up and got to witness my beautiful grace and were laughing their asses off at me.

S'okay, I'm used to it, tuesday I tripped over a LAWN MOWER at work in front of my boss and 3 co-workers. I turned around and just didn't see it ok??

So. Lesson learned. - Don't be a douche bag and think that Ghetto folk have good intentions. Idiot. And for the thousandth time watch where you're putting your feet.

Icky Porn Shop

I think I've established the fact that I like sex toys and sex shops. (no movies thanx) BUT. I've come to realize that I've been a wee bit spoiled in the sex shop department. Not far from me we have a nice toy/movie shop. It's clean, not dingy or icky, the management hires non scary people and there are no peep shows or creepy rooms in the back.

So yeah, when I went to a different place for the first time I was WWAAYY blown out of the water. This place named "TheVelvet touch" is honest to goodness painted a bright purple on the outside. Purple will never be the same for me. When I walked in the door I had a LOT of shit go through my head really fast. Something like this. -

1. "It's so small!"
2. "Why is it so dark in here?"
3. "Where are all the toys?"
4. "Holy fuck those are the coolest boots EVER!!" (they had some kick ass stripper boots)

AAAAAND

5. "What is that girl doing?" I watched a woman dressed in a tiny top and tiny-er skirt be-shoed in stripper shoes walk by us in the dark cramped space and take a seat in the corner up on a small stage. One chair, one small stage, one chick. Just sitting there. I didn't get it, there was a guy behind the counter why would they need a second employee and why would they make her dress like that (she didn't have the body for it anyway) and why is she sitting in that chair???

And that was that for the moment. I took my incredibly naive ass around the store and tried my best to find SOMETHING fun or cool. Mainly I just mooned over the stripper shoe/boot case. I've got sort of a thing for platforms. I'm short, it's not my fault.

After a couple of minutes a guy on crutches came in and went up to the counter to talk to the guy. They joked around for a minute and then short fat crutches guy went though a door in the back that I had not previously noticed. And then the girl followed him back there.

? (still didn't really get it)

I looked around for a bit at the few toys they had collecting dust on the walls, getting kind of pissy and not understanding why there was so little merchandise. And then the woman and the guy came out TOGETHER like 8 minutes later. He looked real happy and immediately left and she went back to her chair.

? ? ? "HolyshitOMGholyshitohshitohshit" HEY!!! DING ding ding!! My brain finally caught up with the situation.

I'd never seen a prostitute before and I sort of couldn't believe that there was one within 30 minutes of where I lived. I got out of there so fast you'd think my ass was on fire.

When we got out to the car I turned to my boyfriend at the time and started going off "Holy Shit! Oh my GOSH! Did you fucking SEE that?! Can you believe it!!??"

-"What?"
"That girl!"
"What about her?"
"What do you mean?!! She's a PROSTITUTE!!!"
"No she's not"
"Oh my GOD yes she was!!!" "What are you retarded or something????" (he was)
"No I think they do massage there. Duh that's why they call it "The Velvet Touch."

I can't go on, my idiot of a boyfriend was a complete tard/asshat and wouldn't believe me. A massage? Dressed like that and for that amount of time? Nothing I said could get him to come to terms with it.

Dummy.

It still creeps me out to think about that place and it's still there. Ok and I have a sick sick curiosity that makes me want to go back and see if it's changed any.* AND buy those stripper platform shoes. They were hot.

*(but if I went back, and there is still a chick in a chair I won't be able to stop myself from starting up a conversation with her and asking WAY too many questions and if she's nice I'll try and save her and get her a job somewhere else and take her to church and shit) (and then my ass will get thrown out of the shop and I'll call the newspaper or something insane so I think I'll sort of not go back)