I Was Robbed.

For real like not even a joke and I'm such a naive cracker I didn't even GET IT at first.

I came home yesterday and noticed that our back door (which is always locked) was open. I honestly thought "Huh, that's weird it must have popped open." And proceeded to try my damnedest to get it to close. Over and over again I tried and finlay decided to inspect the lock to see if it was jammed or something. Swear to God I noticed that the door jam seemed bent out of shape, didn't miss a beat and went back to trying to get the door closed. A few seconds later the possibility slowly started to hit upon my rock of a brain.

Common Sense -"Knock Knock"

Brain - "Whaat?"

Common Sense - "Got something to tell you"

Brain - "Gawwwdd WHAT??? Can't you see I'm busy?? I'm trying to get this damn door to close, it's warped or . . . . Oh."



Me - ?? Nuh-Uh. I glanced around again and saw nothing out of place. At that point I walked into our bedroom and saw that my special night time clothes drawer was pulled out and placed on our bed. Another drawer was pulled out and left open. "Oh."

At that point I walked around the house and checked everything out to see if anything else had been disturbed.

OH MY FUCKING GOD I DIDN'T THINK for like even TWO FUCKING seconds that a scary cracked out murderer might be hiding in the house. WHAT IS WRROONNGGG WITH MEE?????? When we watch DVD's at home I am the "Black Lady in the theater" and start talking shit about stoopid bitches like me in the movies. "Ooooo whould you look at that dumb bitch? Mebee her implants done cuf off the cirkulation to her fuckin head. Dumb bitch walkin round like that. Gonna get her ass keeled that's what she's goan do."

Nothing was out of place except the drawers so I thought maybe c. had come home at lunch and was searching for his I.D. He's always loosing it and he keeps it in the drawer next to mine so I don't know I thought maybe he was on a wild search or something.

I left my cell phone at work so I couldn't call him right away. The damn door was for real busted so I got some string and tied the handle to a nail in the wall and drove back to work to get my phone. Yes that's right I have NO CLUE what his # is and I don't have it written down anywhere. Yes. I KNOW ok??? I get it now.

So I called C. and asked him if he broke into the house. Nope. AAAANDD commence mega mexican tizzy. Holy damn.

Turns out that I never got around to depositing his cash from the checks that he cashed this weekend and in his sock drawer there was $700. Oh. My bad. I went back to check and HIS drawer was still closed. Well too bad the money in it was gone, but really how cordial of the thief to put C's socks neatly back in and close the drawer. Why the fuck he couldn't put MY drawers back is beyond me but what ever.

Fucking FUCK I feel so stupid. When I first moved in my first order of lady of the Ghetto was for him to install a deadbolt on the front door. The back? Never even considered it. It's way up off the ground and has no steps going up to it. PLUS it is in open view of 6 other houses. Thanks a lot neighbors, really fuck you all too. I just never really thought about it. Fuck? Fuck.


That door now has TWO dead bolt locks thanks to my handy little bean eater. Check out my sexy "Paint" skillz of my rendition of how our ghetto door would look if I was REALLY let loose with the door locks.
Sorry but I got in a hurry and didn't put up any curtains.

Thank goodness the took the money and ran. OMG we had car keys on the table, ALL of my personal info just sitting about, my SSN CARD laying on my desk. My guitar, my violin that I've had since like the 8th grade, my jewelry (ok my pretend jewelry but it's sentimental damn it) CD's neatly in a portable case, blah blah list goes on. So yeah it could have been REALLY bad. Everything is nice and tucked away in a safe right now and my bigger stuff is actually in MY CAR at work with me that will be transported to a safer dwelling tonight.

One with hillbillies and guns and knives and dogs. Yes I DO love my parents. Anything that we don't NEED to live is going to the "safe house" until we get our asses out of the Ghetto.


I TOLD him that we live in the Ghetto. I TOLD him that we need to move. He believes me now, how very smart. AND I think I might be able to work this into getting a dog. Sweeeeet.