Aaaakk I forgot all of the insane things they do to a person. First thing they did when I walked in was hand me a little cup and asked me to pee. WTF?? It wasn't a drug screen so I didn't know I'd have to pee so I peed before I went to the apt. cuz everybody knows that you have to wait like 2 hours in the aptly named "waiting room." Why don't they call it the "Wait two hours past your apt. time and piss you off royally while sick people spread ebola and the black lung all over you room???" The room with all of the great magazines that I REALLY want to read but refuse to because fuck that I'm not getting strep throat or herpes or something.
Anyways, oh yeah the peeing in the cup thing? I CAN'T pee under pressure. I just fucking can't do it unless I'm about to die of an over filled bladder. The nurse told me to drink TWENTY of the little pee cups filled with water. What? Did I type that she told me to DRINK out of the PEE CUP?????? Ok so I KNOW that it was a clean cup but just the thought of drinking out of the cup that I was soon going to piss in just kind of grossed me out. And TWENTY?? Fucking twenty cups?? She said that if I drink that much it would push through my system by the time the physical was finished. And does anyone need a reminder that there is NO COLD FUCKING WATER in a doctors office??? Luke warm at best. After about 10 cups of luke warm pee cup water I ALMOST puked and said fuck it and just quit.
Anyways I'm all pukey and in walks the doctor. Thank you God she was nice because I'm an idiot and I'm not good at being touched by strangers. First off the knee reflex hammer that makes me giggle cuz it feels funny and strait into the running a wooden stick along the bottom of my feet that REALLY tickled - btw what the FUCK is that one all about??? She tickled the bottom of my foot with a tongue depressor and then just threw it away. What the HELL did that TELL her? YES I'M ticklish didn't you figure that out with the hammer test??? GAWD and on we went to lay back so I could pull up my shirt *squirm* so she could poke my tummy and make me laugh some more and at one point have to stop and wait for my crazy ass to stop giggling so she could continue. AAAAND on to placing hands in rather uncomfortable places and making me cough - at which point I go silent and ridged - giggling OVER.
The worst part being over, all she had left for me to do was touch my toes with out bending my knees Ahh ahahahahahahha arent't you a SILLY doctor?? How bout one hand at a time? I can do that.
Great. Done. Oh. You STILL need me to pee? Shit. I went to the bathroom and tried in vain for a bit and came back out to sit in my usual retard-can't-pee-chair and have everyone walk by and ask me what I'm doing sitting there and then walk by me again and again and stare at me like the freak of nature that I am -
-all while having my bladder slowly fill up to the point to where my clenched urethra can no longer fight the DON'T PEE THE WORLD WILL EEEENNNNDDDD signals from my brain and I can squeeze out a few drops for the vampires of piss.
Yay! I got my card and drove to the nearest gas station - yeah because THAT'S the ideal place to pee -ack- but at least in the comfort of a gas station with no one waiting to steal my pee my brain can finally let loose and allow me to go and not DIE from a busted bladder.
If I have the hiccups all I have to do is close my eyes and think about them stopping and immediately they stop. I tried to visualize peeing yesterday and my brain told me to fuck off. That's bullshit. That's really bullshit.
13 comments:
I never have to pee unless they tell me I should hold it. Sad but true.
OMG ultrasounds are the worst for that!! Drink a thousand cups of water, wait two hours and then let us smash your stomach for a while - yes THAT'S when the brain says it's ok to pee. WTH is wrong with us??
I believe I've said this about 14 times but you ARE the best.
You? Stagefright? I think for you it's all about the principal of it all. Yeah, that's the ticket. Don't back down.
Cruiser - Don't back down, that's a good one. I'll try it on my next drug screen but I'm kinda sure I'll still be in the dummy chair. Ya never know though.
LOL @ the dummy chair. I can remember getting stagefright when I was little at the pediatrician's office. My mom would stand there, staring at me, and she'd run the water in the sink. It seems we'd be there for hours. All that water did was tick me off.
I purposely schedule my appointments for the time I have to go because of my "Stagefright." I also always come armed with the 20 oz full bottle of water for the 2 hour wait.
And what the hell state makes you take a physical for a drivers license? Texas only requires you to be able to see decently! Fuck if you are healthly!
Yeah, why do you need a physical for a drivers license?
Funny, when I get hiccups, it starts in the morning and I have them throughout the entire day. And I also pee all the fucking time. And no one tickles us when we have our driver's license physical. I've got nothing else. No, wait. You're funny. OK, done.
You guys it's a "Class A" drivers license which means that I can drive a semi truck. My bad I forget that not everyone is a hillbilly like me and doesn't know what class A means. Ok and I guess there are readers from other countries as well so double the my bad.
So a phyisical is a good thing cuz truckers haul around a lot of scary crap and really big ass heavy shit that would be pretty bad if a trucker were to have a heart attack and crash into a building or something like that.
But I STILL don't know why they have to tickle the bottom of my feet with a stick. WTF.
Aww poor Cruiser. I try the water bit and it makes me want to pee even more but the bitch still clamps shut like master lock.
Yay Firecracker!! One of my peeps!
Krissie - try the hiccup go away thing. Just close your eyes, breath steady and think "hiccups go away" and be like all serious about it. Works every time.
I feel the same way about sitting in the doctors office waiting to be seen. It pisses me off to no end when they say oh, sorry the doctors running behind. Well stop scheduling his freakin appointments for every 10 minutes! AND NEVER TOUCH THE MAGAZINES! EW! I even have another shower when I get home. My husband says I'm whacked... he just doesn't get it.
He REALLY doesn't get it and no you are SO SO not wacked.
Thank you.
Any time.
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