Conversation in bed last night

"Layd me tahch chor bahlly bahdon."

"NO."

"Come Onnnnnn Baahlly Baahhhdon."

"Quit! Ahh, Nooooo, Ssssssss."

"I give eet keeeses."

"No! I'm going to get pissy."

*Insert ridiculous smile with dimples looking up at me from a mischievous mexican*

"Why, WHY do you not let this go?"

"Becaze you don layt me gayt eet."

"YES! FOR A REASON."

"Why?"

*insert me attacking mexican and trying my best to turn him into a blanket burrito*

*insert me getting pissy because that bastard is stronger than me and won't let me win*

AHHHHHHH He drives me INSANE with his obsession with my stomach and more importantly my "Bahlly Bahdon." I HATE having my belly button touched. And I'll be damned if his life goal isn't to be poking something in it every 10 minutes or so. AAHh SHIT HELL he'll even give it a wet willy. ACK PHEWY GROSS!! Jesus what's WRONG with this leetle quesadilla???

EEll GAAAHHHHH it just feeels funny, don't touch it and for God's sake don't go pokin around in it.

The only way I can win that fight is to either "teeekle" him (hahahahah that's one ticklish freakin taco man if I've ever seen one) Or initiate sex. But initiating sex would be a form of positive reinforcement so I'm not sure if that's the smartest thing to do.

Yes, I'm sorry, this isn't normal Hor-Fare-reading material but he drives me up the wall with this. And yeah if this is our biggest problem then of course I don't really have anything to complain about, I know.

But DAMN IT -FUCK SHIT HELL- I really hate having it played with! I just needed to vent a bit. PISS HOR SLUT! GOLLY FUCKIN GEE! GOLLY GEE FUCK!!! Ok good, a little more venting, I'm starting to feel better.

SHIT HELL!!! My best idea would be to put jalepeno juice in there and let him burn himself - BUT NOOOOOOO he IS a Pepper it'd just draw im to it like a fly to shit. GAHHHHH.

I just don't know.

Sometimes I Pre-Ejaculate

Mostly in the grocery store.
It's so embarrassing! The check out lady must think I'm some sort of crazy person freak of nature(and my GAWD and this is Walmart we're talking about!!) Yesterday I did it at old navy but at least the girl was nice enough to pretend like she didn't hear me. Ugh I even did it in the jewelry store when C. and I picked up our rings. Maybe I got excited by all of the shiny-ness? I don't know but the chick gave me that damn look that says "Ew Kayyyyyy"

I guess I should elaborate. You all need details. Thank You. I pre-ejaculate my thank-yous. Were you thinking sex? Good! Yeah sometimes the sex thing happens to girls to but I'll get to that later.

For real though I'll be in the store and I'm so conscientious about trying to be extra polite and nice that sometimes I get ahead of myself and start saying thank you at inappropriate times. Most usually when I hand my money to the clerk. You're not supposed to say Thank You when you GIVE your money to them! *bangs head on desk* Dummy! Dummy! Dummy! And then I get all befuddled and have to say thank you again when they hand me my change back. AAWWW!!! SSSSSSShit! WWWHYYYYYYYYY?????? Why must I do that? It's like a weekly occurrence and it's SOOO embarrasing. Shit!

Or sometimes when I'm flustered I say it when I sort of really don't need to. Example: When I was driving semi I got pulled over for speeding. 61 in a 45 - Whoops! Anyways, when the cop handed me my ticket? I said thank you and told him to "have a good one." I FUCKING TOLD HIM THANKYOU FOR LAMBASTING ME!!! That BASTARD didn't even give me the 5 over deal - he actually wrote me for 16 over! Do you KNOW what that does to your insurance! FUCK! Fucker! And I told him thank you!!! What the HELL is wrong with me???? SHIT

I freaking hate that and I need to figure out a way to make myself stop.

It's WORSE than pre-ejaculating during sex. Yeah, girls can do it too. Well, I don't think I ejaculate but I can come waaaaay to soon if he get's me all super extra crazy riled up before we start the real thing. YAY for being super crazy riled up but so NOT Yay for one.....two... uuhh oohhhhhh OOOHHHH oooooooommmmmmm :) :) :) :). Uh-Oh. Crap. shitshitshitshitshit.

Ah well at least girls can keep going and act like nothing happened. And ya know I think we should get credit for that! Seriously I go strait from the O! nonstop into uh-oh, think-girl-think! And on into the pulling-out-of-all-stops mode to get that boy DONE. NOW. Poor guy never knows what hits im. Of course sometimes that backfires when I start to pull out my special get-im-done-quik-tricks and he's in let's go slow and be lovey dovey mood. Then I have to fess up so we can stop and start the process all over again. Hooray for doubles but only when I'm not dead tired ya know?

Ah well folks. What'cha gonna do. But for real, how am I going to stop this pre-ejaculating of the thank yous? It's got to stop.

A Gay Man, A Celibate Croation woman and A DYCK!

***********I'm an Asshole and spelled Croatian wrong but now I can't go back and change it because she busted me out about it on her blog***********************

Anyways, as I read through the short conversation in my Cbox that had taken place while I was gone last night I do believe I was filled with a sense of . . . something that I can't quite place. Found hope? Goodwill? The feeling of being proud? Thankful? I'm not sure.

Do you all remember the part of Dr. Martin Luther Kings speech about how he had a dream that "...little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers." ?

That part of the speech has always touched me. I was brought up in a home where I was taught by example not to judge a person by the color of their skin, their wealth or their sexual orientation. I was taught only to show love to people that come my way and only be wary and "judge" if a person is truly dangerous. Sometimes that's hard when I come across a cantankerous person that's intent on being mean, cruel or unjust for no apparent reason. It's those people that I know I need to try my hardest with.

But blah blah blah, I digress. When I scanned the chat box I read the playful words of a Croatian woman, a Gay American man and a Dyck. I'm not sure what the heck Dyck is but I believe him to be American Man of whom is the antitheses of anything gay. Or celibate. Or...........God only knows.

AND all of these interesting yet different folks came together to talk on a blog where a white American gal talks quite a bit about her love affair with a Mexican man. (And dildos.)

The US hasn't quite reached the utopia in Dr. Kings speech but it IS a place where I can safely say that a lot of little black children can and do join hands and play with little white children.

Yes we still have racism in areas of our country and in the hearts of some of our people, yes some still do still carry a certain wariness for persons of foreign origin and yes we have a long way to go toward equal rights for gays and lesbians. But I'll be damned if this is one of those places.

What sets my small blog apart? The only thing I can come up with is Sex. Maybe the orgy hippies of yesteryear had it right. Maybe that's how they coped with the changing times. Sex and dildos and innuendos bring us together here on this blog.

Hooooray! for orgasms. I guess if you think about it, people from all countries, sexual orientation and race have sex. Besides the fact that yes if you prick us we'll bleed and the fact that we have to eat and drink and breath to live, sex maybe one of the only things we have in common worldwide. Ok so maybe not everybody gets to HAVE sex but at least they want it. Sorry RYAN.

I'm not sure where to go here but I feel I'm on to something. Anybody out there a revolutionist? Maybe you could think about using the sex thing. I'm open to suggestions.

I Told You So. (beotch)

Last night we had a scary ass storm heading our way. You know the kind where the weather folks REALLY get hyped up and excited and it seems like their about one tornado warning away from either orgasming or spontaneously combusting right on the air? I'll bet their some kinky folk. "Oh baby, tell daddy he's a category 5, ooh yeah, say flash flood, oooooh almost there, say sand bags say sand bags! Ahhhhhhh DECLAIR DISASTER for daddy!!!" Bastards.

Anyways, they were mentioning 80 mph winds and tornado warnings and taking cover and telling folks living in trailers to EV-A-CU-ATE. Eeeeee!!! I told my jumping bean that we had to GO. The storm was predicted to hit us in like 15 minutes and we needed to get our asses to a basement somewhere.

AHH!! And that leeetle what-ever-nothing-is-going-to-happen-why-are-you-overreacting
PENDEJO-that-I-love wasn't hearing it. He just sat there on the couch with me watching the weathergirl start to convulse and started getting assey. "Eet's fine, Nathings going to kahpayn."

I kept urging and flipping and finally he agreed to go but said he had to take a shower first. OH, well good idea frijole, that way when the coroner finds you cut in half by a flying ROOF at least your assey ass will be clean. Did I mention I was nervous?

Bless his heart he DID manage to take a really quick shower and came out to meet me with my freak-out face on and clothes for him to wear. He started getting pissy and moving slow so I really started to lay it on about how we had to get the shit out of there and he gave me the ole "Just go now and I'll catch up with you." What. Ever. I made it quite clear that I wasn't leaving without his stoopid ass and he better for REAL hurry.

By this point it had dropped from 90 degrees to about 75 (in the time span of like 4 minutes) the sky was black and the wind was showing IT'S ass. Eek! FINLAY Sr. Ass-a-lot got his shit together and was ready to leave.

OH! OH! OH! This is the shit - I kid you not, scouts honor, the SECOND his foot stepped outside on to our steps I heard this weird CCRRRRRRAAAAAKKWHHOOOSHCRACKBOOM! noise. I thought "Holy shit that lighting was close!" But no, as I tried to get out the door where he had gone catatonic, I saw what it really was. Out in front of our house a BIIIIGGG Old tree decided it couldn't take any more and had broken in half and fell out into the road. For real like 20 feet from us.

AHahahahahahha! He turned around and looked at me with his eyes all BIG and said in his I'm scared voice "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, layt's go."

Ah ha ha ha. I remember clearly that when I saw that tree in the road and he said I'm sorry I forgot about being scared and thought "YES!! BOO-YAH-POLLY how freakin COOL was that! I was RIGHT and now you KNOW it beotch!" I allllllllmost shot my finger strait in the air and screamed "THANK YOU!" to the heavens for such a perfectly timed bitch slap to my sweet little bowl of rice and beans.

Ha. ha. ha-haaaaa ha. Nah-nah-nah-nah-booooooo boo!

Luckily for him I'm nothing if I'm not modest, *ahem* and decided against an I-told-you-so happy dance, picked up his balls up off the ground and let him drag ME to the car.

Ok by they way I stole the cbox idea from DYCK!! (in my link list) and created this box you might have noticed to your right. I loved the sharing of the crazy sex places in THIS POST so here is a box to continue with the fun. I get new readers sometimes and I want to keep up the fun! So let it all hang out and have some fun reading, sharing AND getting new ideas for your OWN escapades.
***************************UPDATE*****************************
Ok so maybe Krissie and I will use it to chat! Ah well it'll be what it'll be. :)

Poor Google Really Takes It Up The Ass

I've had an abundant flux of google searches leading to my site ever since I did a post about Anal Sex. I feel the need to address a few.

To whom ever searched for: "Sex Ass 15" I'd appreciate it if you would not come back to my site, or any other site - EVER - as a result of you coming to the realization of what a sick bastard you are and doing society a favor by blasting your OWN ass right off the face of the earth. Guns are cheap you shouldn't have a problem.
- One thing though, (just in case) if you are a kid (like say a 15 yr. old boy and gay or curious or something) never mind on the killing yourself thing but for real, just keep jackin it for a while and wait a couple of years. For heavens sake learn to drive before you start having sex. Buy some lube at Wal-Mart but DON'T put it in your sock drawer, your mom is SO going to find it there and embarrass you. Put it behind your PlayStation or Xbox.

To the TWO people that searched - "Why are men so obsessed with anal sex" I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help. Honestly though? It doesn't matter because once they have it in their head it no longer matters how it got there. My condolences. May the force of tight unyielding asses everywhere be with you. Good luck.

To this person - "What does a strap on dildo up the ass feel like" I'd like to share with you that there are plenty of talk forums out there that can answer that question for you. Stop frightening poor Google. In case you're shy I guess I could just tell you. Think back to the last time you took a dump that was a bit too big for your bung and try to imagine it working it's way BACK IN after it came out. And then coming out and going back in over and over. Best of luck to you.

To this guy - "Strapon prostate girlfriend - savage" I'm so very sorry. Perhaps you should consider RUNNING AWAY!!

To searcher - "Fukyu Sex" Krissie? Is that you? It's spelled "Fuck You" darling, how's that abstinence going? Sounds like you're getting a little frustrated. Either that or you didn't have a very good time. (xoxo:)

AND to - "OMG fuck me" Huh. So it must have been that you were frustrated. Glad to have cleared that up.

Ridin' wit a foe-dy: Testement to the kick-ass-tedness of my Dad

I don't mind having cookouts in our little Ghetto yard, we have a nice time and we don't have drive-bys so well ya know, it's ok. The only thing that ever bothers me about it is when my parents come. I don't want them to see the folks in crappy cars (or the super nice pimped out rides that look somehow out of place in a po-folk place like the ghetto. Why yes maybe they work hard like us and choose to put their money into pimped-da-licious vehicles. But really the first thing that comes to any ones mind is "Ooh HE be sellin some drugs" ) all because I don't want them to worry about me. You can see below the favored ride of those special folk round these parts.

Along with the interesting array of vehicles comes the "walkers" - i.e. folks grown enough to drive but walk instead + they are NOT walking for their health. THOSE people. And my personal favorite, the subject of my story today - the bike riders. Remember the Schwinn with the curled around handlebars and the super skinny tires? For some reason they seem to be the bike of choice, hell if I know why but there they are, like the skinny jean they have yet to disappear.

Ok, ok, getting to it, at our last cook out we were all sitting outside, having a good time and I was actually thinking to myself, "Hey this is going pretty good! The pimp down the way isn't having a brawl with his hoes and we haven't had to many cars going past staring and NO walkers and No..." *enter sound of my precious thought process screeching to a halt and my heart sinking* (EEEEEERRRRRshitRRRRcrapRRRRdamnRR crash!!) " .... bike. riders."

Enter Scene Left- Bike rider especial. Oooooo and a dandy he was!! A Schwinn master of balance and speed!


Yes and riding with no hands so he could keep a darn good grip on his brown bag with the "forty" inside.

I don't know if the forty is international so in case you don't know, it's a glass bottle of 40oz of beer, usually lovingly cared for and transported in a signature brown paper bag.

I hate it when I walk to the store near where I work to get a pop (ok and candy) and they put my stuff in one of THOSE bags. Yes I'm THAT shallow that I don't want to walk back to work with my brown bag of candy cuz YES I'm sorry I just don't want to look like one of THOSE people. Yes I do realize the absurdity and shameful nature of my thoughts, forgive me if you can.

Continuing scene - My Dad speaking up to save the day as I start to try and explain or say sorry or SOMETHING to break the silence - "Ah hell he can't be that bad, he took the corner pretty darn fast and never had to take his hands off that bottle!" "I'd say he's got some talent. Or experience. " "Either way as long as he's still ridin with skill like that he can't be all that bad off."

Bless my Dad's heart he might have been a little schnokered himself but I'll be darned if he didn't take the awkward situation and turn it into something funny, all while saving me from not putting my foot but most likely my entire leg in my mouth with some sort of idiot explanation.

We all had a laugh and were able to continue on while my sweet leeetle churro did his own continuing on of cooking the ever living SHIT out of everything on the grill. WHY do Mexicans insist on turning everything into jerky? WHY? My parents prefer their meat barely warmed over -just so long as it's not twitchin- and bless them again for eating with a passion and complimenting aplenty. (they're crackers like me so I think they consider eating with us to be a cultural experience, chalk it up to that, and forget that the meat they're eating COULD have been juicy and tender - God bless the mind of a Hillbilly!)

So that's that.

Thank You Dad for saving the day and being so cool about the local "scenery." I really do appreciate it.

Whorecrafting at the County Fair

Yay!! The fair is here!!! Do you guys have county fairs where you come from?? I figure yall from the states do but what about my omg-so-cool-I've-got-a-few-people-that-come-here-from-other-contries-isn't-that-neato-as-shit folks?? Or maybe you have your own version?



C. has only been to the fair ONCE in his life and he didn't ride any rides or even eat FOOD!!! Eeek! GAWD no food? That's half of what we GO for. (and to see the hoochies come out in daylight) I felt this had to be remedied post haste.

The fair has an awesome power to bring everyone out - FULLY embrassing their chosen nitche in society. The Hoochies get hoochier! The Emos put on thier very best displays, the Flava Flav impersonators bring
out thier best bling, (damn how do they not get maimed by all that gold if they go on a ride???) The rednecks wear their best confederate apparel and the hillbilies - well the hillbillies just act like they normaly do, not too much change for them folk we just keep on keepin on.

I mentioned Whorecraft - (a spoof I found from Alan (over on my link bar) ) because the gals running the arts and craft (68+ and not a day younger) were all in a tizzy about some of the hoochie crafters appearance in their sacred quilting barn. Sorry gramma just because that little ho-philly-J-Lo-Fergelicious-wanna-be MADE a quilt or doily it doesn't mean she's a gonna dress like one. Well actually she MIHGT have been wearing a doily so look at that! It's functional!

We walked through the animal barns where I tried to perfect my sheep, chicken and turkey calls to the dismay of my poor love-burrito companion. I'm sorry but when I hear a sheep "mzBaaaaa" I have an uncontrolable urge to try and mimic it to the best of my ability. I think it's the hillbilly in my blood, it's kind of like male pattern baldness it just can't be helped. And Come ON!! Growing up with chickens really helped me hone my clucking skillzz and damn it I wanted to show off for my true love. Shouldn't he be happy to discover my hidden talents?? I'll give it to him on the turkeys though, I just can't quite do it and end up sounding like a big ole chicken being screwed by a vibrating donkey, or something, it's just not right.

When we walked through the horse barn I told sweet naive tortilla that the horses with braides in their hair belong to black people.
He just stared at me for a bit and didn't say anything so if we ever take a kid to the fair I might want to clear that one up.

We went on the scariest ride and my poor taco had to close his eyes.
*quietly* - bwwaaaahahahha! shhhhhh.......
It took all I had not to ruin his MAN status by laughing at him. Come on now THAT'S love.

And on to the food. Experienced fair go-er that I am I know what to get (fair-fries, corn-dog, Elepahnt-ear, fresh lemonade, bi-pass surgeon) but silly independent mexican wouldn't listen to me. He chose to get buffalo wings -HOT!!- and of course they turned out to be generic not-hot-at-all soggy chicken wings. They were so gross he couldn't finish and I felt sorry for him and shared my fair fries. He got a little too grabby with em so I sent his ass packin to get a corn dog - that was wonderful, he loved, and ended up getting TWO of. Thank-You very much maybe you'll listen next time pal???

We went to get on the ferris wheel (so we could make out and I could feel him up) and there was NO line. How cool right?? We stood waiting for like two minutes and some parents sent their two leeeeeeetle girls up to ride ALL-BY-OURSELVES!!! Cute kids, whatever we listened to them talk about how they were going to be so brave and ride the ride like big kids.

Little bastards. Just as C. and I got settled in to our seat (and I was figuring out just how to postion myself for maximum dirty play) those little punks rushed our ride and ran into the same Gondola WITH us. Turns out they didn't feel like big kids after all and didn't figure the kind strangers would mind them coming along. ICK, talk about an instant buzz kill. Eww. Ah-well, sweet unknowing chorizo didn't KNOW that he was about to be molested so really I was the only one disappointed.

Good times.

100th POST! Anal Sex? Crap.

I was gonna throw a little blog party on my 100th blog post and try to have some fun and give something away (something small, I'm CHEAP!!) just for the fun of it all. Why yes and to shamelessly promote myself AND not have to come up with a decent topic. Too honest? I wonder sometimes.

I'd been thinking about it for a week or two and then - Forgot. This is post 108. It took me SEVEN craping posts to remember? Maybe I play with my little brothers lead toys too much, I don't know, but I fer-git-ed. There's no lead in my "Toys" right? I don't imagine latex or silicone has it so neva mind/.

God would you LOOK at that CLOWN? EEEEEEK!! I was searching for party images and came across his scary ass. I HATE freaking clowns (it's my moms fault she's scared of them and made me scared of them too, thanx ma) but this one doesn't scare me as bad cuz he looks like he comes from the Ghetto and I can deal with Ghetto folk. -No eye contact, knife in pocket, cell phone with 911 speed dial - S'all good.

I guess having the Anal Sex post be my 100th was rather fitting but (ok so it was REALLY fitting) I had something else in mind. Ah well, no biggie I'll be passing up my 10,000th visitor (not page view cuz that doesn't count) before toooo long and I'll have the free give-a-way then. I can't believe that 7 months ago I didn't even know what a blog was. (at all for real, no idea, I KNOW crazy-kuc-koo right?)

Ah well moving on. I'm a useless piece of crap today because I've discovered this new website -
http://trueofficeconfessions.com/ omg you guys. I'll bet a lot of you will like this cuz yer some beotches like me and do a bunch of surfing right from your office job. I almost didn't even POST it because you might all go over there and never come back HERE!! :) There is also a TrueMomconfession site (the one that started them all) a Dad confession site and a Bride confession site (all linked to each other) Basically you go there and anon confess something and there is a button for people to click "Me Too" if they've ever been through the same thing.

I think I confessed about 8 times yesterday on the office site because I finlay found a safe place to do it! I'm a little too um... well, something or other involving off the hook K-raz-ee to blog about my job and all of the BULLSHIT that goes on here. I sort of don't want to be fired so I just don't go there. Anyways it's one of my new fav. places to go and I just HAD to share it with you's pals.

K- gotta run and see if I've been "Mee too'd" I'll be back with hor-stuff later. 10 bucks to anybody who can guess my confessions.

I've Learned Something From My Last Post

Wow, holy gosh and gee golly whiz. Either I have THE coolest group of blogger readers (well duhhhhh you know yall are) or ....

1. That Mom and Dad you see when driving by the grocery store or soccer field with four kids, two diaper bags, a stroller, a backpack, and a minivan? Chances are those two are going to gramas house to drop them kids off and then mosey on over to the church to get freaky in the bathroom. (no that's not my family it's just some really cool random family of whoms picture I stole off of the internet) ;)

2. If it's a public place - it's been sexed upon. WASH YOUR HANDS people, I'm for real.

3. You and I were both most likely conceived in an illegal manner.

4. Ew. this means that my parents have got it on all freakey-deek GAWD knows where and one of these days my mom is gonna start opening up even MORE than she already has been (mom I'm for real you've got to stop) and is going to tell me some of the krazy places that she's been gettin it on.

5. I am one Vanilla hor. I'm so lame that if I were a porn I'd be the one on skin-a-max where the girl is sitting on the guys STOMACH almost on his chest and is pretending that his belly button is his wang. Some folks yell at sports, I yell at that chick. "This is GAY! You're no where NEAR his dong! Stop screaming hor! His belly hair can't feel THAT good on your clit!! I HATE this channel!!!"

BTW, COME ON!!! Where are the rest of you?? I know you're not virgins come on don't be shy, it's just me -your sweet neighbor hood hor :) Tell mamma hor and her little friends your dirty seeeeecrets. ;)

Lesson learned, moving on. SPARX over at http://notes-inside-my-head.blogspot.com/ gave me this here award that you may have noticed to your right. The nod alone makes me feel all gushy and warm and *blush* and feet shuffle-ee but she actually wrote a whole diddy about me on her blog and said like way too many nice things about me that made me go into the "He-Hullk-Garsh" mode where (if I were in public) I would feet shuffle and keep trying to put my hair behind my ears over and over even though it's already there because I need something to do with my hee-haw-nervous-happy self. Would you believe I'm quite shy when I first meet people?

I look up to Sparx as one of those "cool" bloggers that has lot's of readers and is a really good writer and is way super funny and and and "CRAP I wish I could be like THAT" - people. You guys get what I mean right? Like one of those people that it makes you more than a little bit giddy to see that they bother to put a comment on YOUR blog? Ok ok whatever I know I'm a super dork, but it's not like I didn't warn you.

When I first found her I went back and read every last post from the beginning, yes she's one of THOSE people. You know you don't do that with everybody, only the special people that you can read like a real book. For heavens sake she refers to her child as a "Spud." And not because it's just some cute leeetle nick name, no it's because he's one of those "plush" baby's and she's freaking funny. She's honest and funny AND a great mom. Actually she's one of those super great moms that you look at and think "Damn I'll never be like that, I'll be lucky if my child SURVIVES let alone gets organic homemade baby food and environmentally friendly nappies." (Ok so maybe some of you have confidence that you could keep a child ALIVE, but I'm just sharing what goes through my head)

Ok so anyways it feels like one of my very own heroes has given me a pat on the back and a wink for a job well done just like you see people do to retarded kids on t.v. when they save the day. I haven't saved the day but damn it I got my pat.

Sex In Strange Places (no, not my ass)

All the talk about sex in the park, and talking to Lady Latte got me to thinking about sex in crazy places.

I remember before I had even HAD sex that I had a list of places that I wanted to do it in. Honestly the only two that I can remember my lame virginal mind coming up with were an elevator and the top of the space needle. (ha ha dork :) Now I'm actually sitting here trying to think if I've ever actually did it anyplace cool. ? ? ? ? Ah hell I'm a hor I'm gonna need to brainstorm.........

Oo! I remember one time on a canoe trip we pulled the canoe over to the side of the river and ran into the woods for a stand-up quickie. OMG! I'm not sure what the hell I was thinking we were so SO in plain site! If another canoe-er would half floated by... oh dear. I might be a hor but I'm not into subjecting people to that.

Oooooo!! This is a good one, I forgot about it till now - We were out for a walk one time and crossed over a GIGANTIC drainage tube. You know like the big metal round ones they put under roads for a creek or small stream? We'd never seen one so large and wanted to climb down just to check it out (why yes I really AM that hillbilly and easily amused.) The creek was almost dried up and little miss I-want-to-do-it-somewhere-cool hit 'im up for another krazy-quik-ee. I think that might be one of my favorites.

Let's see. . . Well I guess almost everybody around here has snuck down to lake Michigan at one time or another and got their illegal freak on after dark. Hell at least we didn't leave a condom in the sand like other gross folk. Look at it! It's so beautiful and it lights up at night. How can anyone resist???

Honestly? I'd never done anything in a vehicle till last summer. Late blooming hor??

Who knows but that streak ended in a pick-up truck in the middle of a grape vineyard. And then in the truck in an apple orchard. And then the grapes again. :) Maybe we had a thing for fruit?

Hmmmm. . . Camping! Our campground is private but DOES have neighbors so we when we took it outside we placed ourselves strategically on ye ole blanket on the ground on the "hidden" side of our camper. Granted the camper is like a foot off the ground but hell it was dark. S'okay.

I can't think of anymore right now, perhaps I'm sort of a sad example of a hor. I DID try to lure my Mexican outside the day before yesterday. We got new couches and the other is still out on the curb waiting to be taken away. If we would have angled it just right we would have been pretty much out of sight and it WAS dark. Poor tortilla chip was still traumatized by the whole movie and park incidents to be into it. Ah well today is a new day and that couch IS still there.

Oh tor-tiiiiiiiiiiiillllaaaaa !. . . . . . .

Alright you's guys N gals, come on it's share time! Bring out your skeltons and share a couple of your adventures with your fav. hor. Come oonnnnn don't be shy we've all got a little ho inside us just waiting to be shared. Go anon if you have to, I promise not to bust anybody out!!! Come ON!!! :)

No Sex On The Playground

Ok so it WAS broad daylight and not even a seasoned hor like myself is willing to risk scarring a child for life. But my GAWWDD just LOOK at the POSSIBILITIES this place has

(btw there was nobody there when we went (im not a perv) I got these pics off google image)

If my enchilada man wasn't such a damn prude (bless his heart) I
would seriously entertain for REAL thoughts of coming back in the wee hours of the morning.


Do you guys have these giant wooden playgrounds where you come from? We've got one in every small town around here and they're friggin great. When I was a wee-one we even had a week long day camp where parents could drop kids off every day and we could just run wild and play all day. OH MAAANN I loved going to that park!!


My Mexican has never been to one (poor baby for real!) and Sunday after going to see the Simpsons movie we happened to drive by one. Hmmm.... perfect day, empty parking lot. . . *insert sound of screeching brakes and U-turn* and we were on our way. Poor enchilada just wasn't INTO it like me. He kept saying that he just doesn't find it to be fun but I'm pretty sure he was just terrified that a real mom might show up with real children at any second. Poor baby, as I ran around like a chicken with it's head caught off he scanned the "Park Rules" about 5 times trying REALLY hard to find an age limit. Sorry pal, HA!!


We've got a few tough things on our plate right now so I sort of get his lack of enthusiasm but damn it I TRIED to impress him the best I could. I did my very best on the *ahem* fire poll *ahem hee hee* AND didn't even manage to fall on my head!! Come on beotch I was upside down on that big ole rod!! I think I deserved a standing ovation for not breaking my neck thank-you-very-much.

Ah well he wasn't having it so I ran around and hit all the slides. I DID manage to get him to try a couple of neato toys but damn him and his grown up sense of balance it's just not as fun if you don't fall off of the wiggle plank like 10 times before managing to stay on for 3.2 seconds. He got on and just stood there. Bastard - I knocked him off, shook it up real good and made him get back on. BITCH! What does he have a built in gyroscope? Damn it he just wouldn't fall off!
Dirty hor I'll get 'im drunk, take him back and THEN we'll see who has superior balance!

Movie Time

Rush Hour 3 - Same as usual - Funny as hell and cool/neato/ fighting. Perhaps I'm just plain simple but I don't care how many times they do the same shit over and over, Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker have the greatest chemistry together and continue to crack. me. up.

They did that funky dance that they do together to the War song, ya know that song that goes "War! Huh! What-iiiiis it-good-for ab-so-lute-ly......" so on and so on. Anyways we had a cool crowd in the theater and a whole bunch of the people started singing and clapping along. YAY how fun I wanted to get up and do my own funky dance. But when I started clapping and "HU!! -ing" C. kind of slouched down in his seat.

No clappy clappy? No. Ah well I figured I'd save my funky dance for when we got out into the parking lot. HA! Beotch you can only slouch so much when walking but folks will still know you're with my funky movin ass.
------- Ok so maybe he ran ahead of me and pretended like I was a crazy dancin stalker yelling "Don be shamed my LOVE-A! Come 'N' dance with me! Shake that booty Daddy! Give mama some SWAAANG!!"

No swaaaang for me just a dirty look. Ah well at least I had some fun, poor mortified love tortilla is worried that I might not ever develop this whole dignity or sense of shame thing that he thinks someone of my age should posses but S'okay, he'll get it eventually.

Almost Saw My Co-Workers Wee Willy

EEEEK!! I went to the bathroom (we have one to share, not that big of a place but could use two for heavens sake) saw that the light was on (normal) and that the door was opened about 6 inches.

Thank goodness I'm frightened to quickly enter the bathroom when it's only opened a crack. Why? Because all of our guys here take their daily dump at work and it can get pretty fierce in there. After a scary dump some of them (instead of god forbid CLOSING the door and running the fan) they just leave the door open a crack to keep MOST of the horror inside and just let it sllooowwly seep out and torture me at my desk.

Anyways I saw the tell tale napalm dump/door crack and went forth with extreme caution.


AHHHHH!!!! As I slowly opened the door I heard tinkling noises that my ears immediately identified as NOT hand washing. I stopped just in time to see only the back side of my sideways turned co-worker. Listen, he's a nice guy but holy damn to hell and BACK I do not want to see this guys wiggle worm. To get an idea check the guy to the right. Sans Dirty logo on T-shirt and add a few holes. Oh, oh my my my my my, deep breath, I'm ok, breath.... breath. Ok. I'm ok.


And what did he DO when I said "EEEKK!" and backed out as fast as possible? "Oh! he-hulk" Threw his dippy-do back in his sweat pants and came directly out.

Hand washing? Please? No? Oh. ok.

"Hee haw I thought the door was closed."
Really? Because we REALLY have to yank on that bitch to get it to closed. What. Ever.

He didn't wash his hands and he TOUCHED the door knob. And the Toilet seat. I'm not exactly miss priss or anything but COME ON!!!

*Full body shudder* EEeaahhhuuuuaahhhhLkk

Silly Hor, Nair is just NOT for you (or your va-jay-jay) dummy

I try Nair (you know the hair removing chemical stuff that smells really bad?) every couple of years or so thinking that it's gonna get better. Really, I'm that lame that I believe they've perfected a NEW and IMPROVED formula!

This years attempt was inspired by reading a forum about removing girl down-there-hair. Waxing is just out of the question for me. Have you TRIED it? OH GOLLLY GOLL CRAP it rips you apart and leaves the hair!! AHHHHHHH. Ok. Moving on.

Shaving the va-jay-jay - Oh hell I'm just not gonna do it to you guys. For once I'll leave something to the imagination and just say that it's not working out for me.
So anyways I read on this forum that a lot of chicks use Nair or Veet or other stuff and once again found myself at the store searching for a miracle cure. In the past Nair has always ended up burning me and LEAVING the hair. Nice. Really attractive. So this time I went for a recommended sensitive skin Veet.

Does anybody realize or KNOW from personal experience how hard it is to put a scary cream all over your girlie (or man) parts WITHOUT touching sensitive skin? SHIT!!!

Picture it, Sicily, 1943.....
Ok no, how about my dumb ass in the bathtub one leg up and contorted all to hell trying to get the best view of my lady flower - does anyone remember that I'm SUPER CLUTZ??? I ended up slipping on some shampoo residue, falling on my ass and squirting the tube of scary cream everywhere, all the while squishing and spreading said scary cream onto girly parts that were never meant to be touched by it.

At first it was just a cooling tingling sensation and I thought, "Oh ok, I'm going to be alrig..... AAHH ah ah burning! burns! burns! Shit! Crap! Ow! AYYEEEEEEEE HycheeWaWa! Turn the water back on!!!! Of course only the hot water came on at first - how soothing - AND I managed to forget that I had squirted the tube everywhere when I fell and started to play ice rink in yee ole tub.

Guys? Gals? Ever pull a groin muscle trying not to fall down on ice? Well you can do it in the tub too, just so ya know.

Luckily I bought this neat-O cream neutralizing cream wash that you can put on after using products like this so that any chemicals that soap and water misses will be put to rest.

My prized lady part came out just fine, if you don't count the fact that it looks like it has MANGE because only patches of hair came out.


Sorry I was TRYING to not go there but I just. can't. help myself.

Lesson learned? Probably not, give me a couple of years.

Meijer Will Suck Ballsack In A Disaster

Last night when I was shopping at Meijer the power went off in the store. It was only for a moment and then half of it came back on. One side of the store was dark and the other light and none of the customers seemed disturbed in the least. I figured AH what the hell they'll get this shit up and running by the time I get done. Ah ha ha silly silly girl.

Just as I was finishing up about 45 minutes later, I overheard one worker talking to another about how all of the cash registers were shut down. WTF? The cash registers were in the lighted half of the store - got. to . be . kidding. me. I went up to the cashier section and holy shit EVERYBODY was gone! No cashiers no people and there were a shit load of full carts just left abandoned. Wha? I looked back into the store and just like me 1 minute ago there were people going about their business, shopping away and oblivious to the fact that they weren't going to be able to BUY the shit in their carts. Really? Honestly? I looked around some more and there were workers straitening clothes racks, standing around talking, doing whatever but obviously NOT bothering to mention to people what the FUCK was going on.

I went further down the store to where I spotted some folks talking and came up upon a freaking PANICKED worker chick half yelling at the people listening to her - "ALL THE REGISTERS ARE DOWN! THEY ARE SAYING IT WILL BE FOUR HOURS, YOU ARE WELCOME TO WAIT, BUT OUR MAIN CONCERN NOW *heavy breathing* IS TO GET ALL OF THE FROZEN GOODS BACK TO THEIR CASES FROM ABANDOND CARTS!" All the while she was panicked yelling she was - OMG - chucking and trowing frozen good out of one cart and into another. (I just walked around the store with frozen shrimp for 45 minutes and they were still happy and froze) I sort of wanted to tell the girl that throwing, chucking and slamming the frozen goods around and upside down was probably going to harm them a bit more than taking all of 2 minutes to round up the 10 people re-folding clothing to FUCKING HELP HER.

I kind of didn't want to wait four hours so I took my shrimp back myself and left the rest of my cart up front with the other abandons. I took a good long look at the products that I had painstakingly picked out, tried to remember them the best I could and walked out. I'm picky AND cheap, shopping takes me a while.

On the way out I noticed a group of Old folk that were pissed and I believe about to revolt. They were bitching about how the store people needed to just dang well get out some calculators and do it the old fashioned way. Back in their day they didn't even HAVE calculators and this display of ineptitude was a cryin shame.

They got me to thinking though, just how computer dependant that store really is. Computers do the inventory, pricing, discounting, payments and even weigh our vegetables. Even if they did pull out calculators they would have no idea what was on sale or what half the stuff cost - let alone how much my snow peas weighed. Sorry old folk, no dice.

So yeah, if a disaster strikes don't rush to Meijer to stock up on canned foods cuz they'll shut the door on your ass. AND you won't be able to ride the pony for a penny. No that's not me but I'd like to just to fuck with people, Jaybird will you take my pic if I do??

False Advertising Bastard: Anal Sex

Damn it damn it shit. shit. shit. My Mexican has gone bad on me, he has soured like a pot of 2 days too many beans. It took 11 months and 10 days for his newly lowered car smell to wear off. I didn't think he was going to do this to me. He TOLD me when we first got together that he FOR SURE FOR REAL didn't do this type of thing EVER and that it was wrong. And believe me I made sure to ask, no joke, there is a list of certain things that you have to ask by the third date to get out of the way to see if it is safe to continue with the dating. I.E.

1. Are you an axe murderer? (or any other type of serial killer)

2. Do you have aspirations to BE an axe murderer?

3. Do you love and respect your mother? (this is a tricky one cuz some mommas don't deserve too much and you don't want to judge to quick)

4. Do you steal?

5. Do you think it's ok to beat your wife/girlfriend?

6. Do you want Anal Sex?



If any of you think I'm joking I'm telling you right now that I'm not. Just ask my fav. lurker Jaybird. These are important questions, write them down.

Anyways, 11 months and 10 days into our blissful relations ship he busted out with the male time honored request -



"Just the tip?"

(Just the tip, yeah fuckin right pal) (xoxoxo love you :)


#6. He broke his PROMISE on #6. That. Bastard. Previous experience with a man in a long term relationship tells me that from now until our DEATH he will be plaguing me with this request. It's like some sort of body snatching virus DISEASE that takes over a man and never lets go. He MUST. CONQUER. THE. BOOTY.

NO! Goll Dammit FUCK that NO!! Is anyone here even SLIGHTLY confused as to where I stand on this particular subject?? Hmmm?? Alan? Don't even go there.


No offense you ANY chicks (or dudes) that like it. I am all about to each his own and what ever floats yer boat and puts the wind in yer sails. Go for it. (Well I guess maybe I don't support raping puppies or children but ew that's just a given lets not go there.) But it's just not MY cup of tea. You got a $100,000 dollars to pay for this? Well then sure perhaps my mind might be changed. Give me a call. What, surprised? Look at the Title of my blog, come on that's a lot of money.

And yes I do realize that I admit I would do it for a large sum of money and NOT for the love of my life. OH. Well.

I can understand it a little bit on his part. My booty is the only part of me that actually belongs in the ghetto. It is a booty of ghetto proportions and I'm rather fond of that fact. So WHY can't he just admire the booty? Pat it or smack it tell me how much you love it but otherwise leave that bitch alone. I gave you my HEART not my ass beotch.

I still love him and I'm sure that we will still be together forever but damn it I THOUGHT, I was MISLEAD to believe that I wouldn't have to be fighting him off my booty for the rest of my life. I'm going to have to start ingesting booty mace. We've got plenty of them around the house - they don't call em beaners for nothin. HA!!


I'm sorry Mi Amigo, Mi Amor, Mi Vida (my friend my love my life) not even you, the sweetest of sweets, my darling corazon. Not even YOU can convince me to willingly participate in an activity that will make me feel like I'm being attacked by a giant turd going the WRONG WAY. It's not supposed to go back in let alone go back in, come back out and go back in again!! Oh the horror. I love you my darling but you stay the hell away from my ass.

I Found A House With A SEX ROOM!!!

My boss and I are both house hunting. Lately we've been pooling our information and going over stuff together and yesterday I received a packet in the mail that I wanted to show her. It's an info packet about modulars that we had a good time making fun of on the internet the other day. They have some of the most retarded ass floor plans (as well as some good ones but whatev) and we've been having a fun time laughing and bitching about the stoopid ways in which they decide to utilize space on their blue prints. Yes, we are simply amused folk.

N-E-Ways on one of the floor plans I started to bitch about yet another retarded use of space and I mentioned to my boss that instead of a naming it a small 4th bedroom they labeled it a "retreat." Don't try to finagle me in with fancy words like "Great Room," "Nook" or "Sun Room." Just label it for what it really is. Living room. Nook? It's a G-D piece of floor next to a fancy window - get over it! Blah Blah so I showed her the page with the "Retreat" room and she looked at it and noticed that it is actually connected to the M-Bedroom and there is no door.

Bless her heart she said "Oh it's a Sitting Room, how lame." Sitting room? Oh HELL NO that's a fucking Sex Room, OH SHIZZLE and jump for joy at the coolness of THAT shit! I started jumping up and down and clapping saying "OMG THAT'S my house!! I've found it! It's has a SEX room!! Isn't that the shit!?!?!" Why yes I WAS doing that in my bosses office, but she's cool and even conceded that it could be a sex room if that's what your into. She just wasn't quite as excited by it as me. That's ok.


I've always wanted "The swing," it just looks fun. OO! And I could have a pole! I KNOW if we got drunk I could talk his ass into playing on the pole for me, AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH oh oh shit that would be funny. Plus I could have one of those cool sex benches and some of those foam triangle sex positioning blocks. We could set up a stereo to play "Baayongk-shk-k-k-baayon-bayonnnnnn music and EVERYTHING!


This way we can have an open basement for a pool table and stuff like that and won't have to cut it in half for a dirty room. How very accommodating of these people to think of folks like us.

237 Reasons To Have Sex

I saw ThisArticle
on Yahoo. If you're like me and don't usually take the time to read a link it's about a 5 year study done at the U. of Texas (Sassy and Cruiser aren't you proud??) that came up with a list of 237 reasons to have sex. After they came up with all 237 they then had a big ole group of people rank every reason on a scale of 1 to 5 to see which reasons would be the most popular.

Cool.


But wait, TWO HUNDRED THIRTY SEVEN????? What? Shit! I doubt I can come up with 10. I'm simple like that. Allow me to brainstorm.

1. I'm horny.

2. He's horny, works his magik spanish fly and makes me horny.

3. He's randy and I want to make him happy.

4. He's done something very nice/smart/or did the dishes - I reward him with some positive reinforcement to hopefully place a little Pavlov link in his brain that doing dishes/picking up his socks = Happy


Ok it's been a half hour. That's it. 4 reasons. I CAN come up with a bunch of reasons that lead to me reason #1 -

*Read dirty book - get horny -

*Get new lube -want to try - leads to horny

* See a couple minutes of lame-O skinimax and against my will for some reason that only my reptilian brain knows - become horny

* Mexican said something ridiculously sweet for no reason - horny

* Jumpin bean comes out of shower with only a towel on - horny

* Leetle love tortilla puts hands on my face, kisses me all super good, looks deep into my eyes and tells me all seriously how crazy he is about me - I jam my heart back down out of my throat, pick up my jaw and vagina off the floor -commence horny

None of those seem like they would be on the list of 237 other than under the reason of "I was horny."

Some of the reasons on the 237 list were normal - "Drunk" (I'll bet that one ranks pretty high,) or "Sex is fun." Although One in particular was rather disturbing - "Want to give someone an STD" (holy damn!)

Oh well I guess I'm just pretty damn simple. I wonder if "I'm easy" or "I'm a hor" was on the list???


What do you all think? I've been noticing a lot of polls on sex lately so how about you all give me YOUR top couple of reasons to have sex. Come on, now I'm all curious and shit. Let it rip!