Horny

I am ridiculously horny. I don't have anything really funny or useful to say but I just needed to say it. This will be our longest time apart (me and c.) and I have a feeling I'm going to wear off the "life-like" surface of my favorite toy.

Hell I even fixed myself up this morning when I WOKE UP thinking I'd be fine for the rest of the day - but NOOOoooo it seems to have only made me WORSE. Brilliant.

Excuse me while I go hump something. (lol the word "hump" actually kind of freaks me out :P )

I Really Do Love This Blog

But ya gotta do whatcha gotta do sometimes.

Stupid love. :P

I'm not sure I'll show up much here, I won't lie, we'll just see how it goes - who knows? I'm gonna be at the MY OTHER PLACE though, so that's cool.

C yall round :)

Hey Hey Hello !

So I guess to go private but still have people read I have to E-mail each person and "Invite" them to my blog. After you're invited the first time you're in for good. You guys already probably know ALL of this but I didn't and so I'm sharing.

So, if you want to keep access to Danielle Is a Hor, email your e-mail address to me at -

lindy (dot) email (at) yahoo (dot) com

I'll add you and if I don't already have your e-mail address I'll pitch it, don't worry about getting shit from me, it would piss me off to get shit from you. SO ! That's that. I'm going to invite Sassy, Krissie, Jaybird and Patti because I actually still have their email addresses by some grace of god but the rest of you have to fend for yourself. Wait.......... Ok I've got Sgt. too. Sgt. if you're out there I'm going to e-mail you an invite. Hope you're doing ok these days. ( Hi ! )


I'm not going to go private for a couple of weeks so everybody will get a chance to getting around to doing this. Yes I want to make sure all 8 of you get your chance !! I'm wildly popular you know. :P

So e-mail me bitches and I'll invite you in when the time is right. Sorry for all the trouble but I gotta keep my Mexican yall.

And hey I'm starting to post on my New Place

So come on over if you want :)

A Times They Are A Changin

My new blog is a fledgling but it's up and ready to use and be seen. Like I said before, I've got to have something new, that C. can actually SEE and be aware of. :P

I've got more posts to add on, to make things make more sense to people that aren't familiar with me, but that will come. Basically though I cut and pasted a bunch of old posts from here about me & C. so people will have some background on us and not be like say WHAT?? all the time.

In the future I'll go on normally about Ghetto life and my insane family and C. and moving and work and laaa laaa dee da mexicans harrasing me at the laundry and me falling down and being a clutz, my peice of shit car or cats -ECT.

You guys, I've become quite attatched to some of you, hell a lot of you, but I'd like you to know that if you don't want to read the new stuff I start putting out there or don't want to link me or get bored with me - I understand. Like for real, this blog and my new one sort of have a gigantic elephant in the room that will be quite different.

I have so much MORE I can talk about now but there's that one thing.... oh yes SEEEXXXXXXXX that I won't be. C. is a beautiful man and feels that things like sex should be kept between two people. Yeeeeaaah, obviously I'm a tad different, and even if I never posted about US, it would still freak him out that I'm talking like a dirty dirty hor. He just wouldn't get it, and I love him enough to give it up and lock it down.

I'm going to leave this post up for a week or so and then I'm going to set this blog to private. Any of you regulars that I know just e-mail me when I do it and I'll be more than happy to let you in but for the sake of C. and I and our relationship it's gotta go underground.

My GAWD can I BE any more dramatic??? Shit !

So anyways that's that for now, I'm still going to come and visit my regulars and the people on my link list (I DO have a favorites bar thank goodness) so nothing like that will change.

OH !! And you guys? For real um... could you call me Lindy on my other blog? I KNOW that's SO NOT as much fun as hor, but how the hell would I EXPLAIN that to him? Like occaisionaly if you're playing and want to say "Listen here Mexican HOR" or something like that, that's funny and fine but otherwise, I'm just plain ole Lindy.

Hi.
Nice to meet you.

I hope to see some of you around in the future but if not, like I said, I understand and I'll see YOU on your blog. Except for you blog-less peeps but you know where I am (hi upstate!)

OH !! Here's the link !!! http://gringa-n-mexico.blogspot.com/

That would have been awesome to forget.
Ass.

Ugh, this is too much

I'm starting a new blog, C. still doesn't know about this one and since I'll be posting from home when I move to mexico I sort of can't use it for everyday stuff you know? I don't WANT to start a new blog, I LIKE mine damn it, (throwing hissy fit) but it's necessary.

(I guess I'll keep this one anyways because lord knows I'm not going to run out of sex stuff to say.)

But I want a different blog anyways, I want one to talk about everything it takes to move far from home and family and friends to another country. A place I can talk about mexico all I want and what happens there. I still want to be funny and write just like I write here, just without the sex I guess.

But GOLL DAMN SHIT HELL is it HARD choosing a new set-up !! FUCK ! Today I've created a livejournal blog, a wordpress blog and I've screwed around with my other blogger blog trying to find a template that suits me. I'd like to look more professional (why I don't know) but professional is boring. On wordpress there are some cool templates but on the ones I like you can only change the header picture and none of the colors! WHY the hell can't I change the COLORS??? Maybe I don't LIKE lame wordpress colors - blue, blue, blue, pink, white. Yay. Assholes. Livejournal seems worse so never mind them at all and I'm back to blogger.

I'm not smart enough to make a blog like THIS I don't know HOW the hell he did all that. Or THIS I mean REALLY? Just what the hell you guys. Shit.

Blogger gets a lame wrap and everybody BRAGS about wordpress but I'm not smart enough to make it work for me. I know how to turn my computer on, type and download a picture. Blogger is good for dummies like me but I wanted something cooler. And I don't even know WHY !! How stupid is all of this???

I need help. And a nap.

Off to the Range

I feel a lot better today. I've been running on about 5 hours sleep a night for around 3 weeks so last night after work I went to bed at promptly 5:17 p.m. I got up for work this morning around 5:45 and I feel like a new woman dang it.


SO !! After work I'm off to the shooting range. Yes, my new hobby of choice is handguns. For real though, last week I heard an ad on the radio about a shooting range like 2 miles from my house that actually lets you RENT guns and use their range.


I wondered what KIND of guns they have to rent so I went and checked it out. OH!! OHH!! HOORRRAYYYY!!! It's like a freaking AMUSEMENT PARK of guns!! Oh my gawwd I didn't even know a place like this existed! Every handgun you can think of, antique to brand new, rifles, shotguns, I don't know, just everything. Even a pump action sawed off looking shotgun thing. (it's hot) M-16's, AK 47, you name it they've got it. This must be some sort of NRA wonderland, I don't know how they can do it but they can and I'm in hillbilly heaven!!


With my Dad I've shot a pellet gun, a .22 rifle, a 4-10 shotgun, a 12 gauge and something else shot-gun-y. But I've never shot a handgun. And I've always kinda wanted to ya know? Well maybe you don't but I do. SOOOOO after drooling around the place for a bit I inquired about prices, shit my pants at how cheap it is, and got me some guns to shoot.

EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was SO FUN!!! I started off small with a .22 revolver then an antique .22 with a clip then a Walter P22 with a clip that I LOVED ! I was pretty accurate (which surprised me to great glee) had a great time and left feeling relaxed and full of joy. Can you believe I'm NOT a republican????


Next time I went I took my BFF Jaybird and hooked her up with my fav. .22. She was a complete crazy bad ass and unloaded her first clip in all of 4.5 seconds flat. After I picked up my jaw off the floor and cleaned the crap out of my pants I started cheering. The helper dude turned to me and said "Well . . . she's lethal." and turned back around. Ahhhaahahahhahahaah !! She went on to unload TWO boxes to my one into her target, all in her break-neck speed shooting style, and this is somewhere in the top 5 of my proudest moments for her. :)


I bumped it up a couple of notches and chose a comfy 9mm. Mmmmm I liked it better than the .22 but it was a lot more expensive to buy ammo for - SHIT ! From 3.50 a box to 15. Yowza ya know?


Anyhoo the range attendant dude - that sports a mullet btw which I instantly fell in love with - thinks I'm a little weird and at the same time very cool. He gives me some special attention when I go and pointers and stuff and THIS time with Jaime he casually asks me "Would you like to shoot my gun?" (lol *snort*) I asked what kind he's got and he unholsered his .45. .45 !!!! EEEEEEEE!!!! Holy Cripes !

I asked him if he thought it would knock me on my ass and he said no, that he's seen me shoot and know's I'll be just fine. (and the ego grows) So, scared but not one to be a sissy - EV-VER - I let him walk me through the in's and out's of it. And shot. MMMMmmmmmm Sat-tis-fac-shu-un!! It's recoil wasn't hardly bigger than the 9mm I had been shooting - to my great surprise, and I of course loved it. Obviously.


I wanted Jay-birds first shooting experience to be bad-ass so I offered her to shoot my gun - which of course she did cuz she's no ninny either. AND the dude let her shoot his gun after she came over to see what was up. SO cool !! I think he just liked having some hot chicks hold his gun but what-ev, I'll shot his $.50 a bullet ammo any time :P


After my first time going I started making my own targets - you don't have to buy theirs. Before I went with Jaybird I drew up some fun targets - the bastard taxi driver from a few posts ago - HAAA!!! Asshole!! - My ex-boyfriend (in the form of a monkey), The gramma that disowned me (in the form of a pig) that I got between the eyes - TWICE ! A clown (also got him between the eyes *takes a bow* And another gramma that sux (in the form of a snake.) I'd never draw a real person, it just seems too wrong, but I'll have fun with goofy 2-yr-old-drawings representing them. (ok and for real? Mullet-Man actually ASKED me if my preshcooler drew the target for me ! when I told him I don't have kids he totally made fun of me, and HE WEARS A MULLET!)


SO anyhoo I'm off in a couple of hours and I'll be heading over to shoot up some targets I printed off the internet (poor lil bunny fu-fu doesn't stand a chance) with a work pal of mine. He's never shot a gun so I'm pretty excited for him. Next week my gal-boss and our other gal-pal are going and then my Mama's gonna give it a try. Welcome to my hillbilly side. :)

And for REAL guys and gals, if you've never done anything like this I can probably SWWEEAARRR that you'll like it. So many people are afraid of guns but really, if you get yourself educated on them and learn how to use one, it just might make you feel a little better. So go out and find a range!! Come On !!!! Live a little, do something different !


And I'll be damned if I can think of a better way to blow off some steam !! Well. . . lol maybe one. ;)

Latex Allergies

"Well who the fuck knew? No shitting WAY!!"
That's what I thought to myself standing in my bathroom last night.
Let me explain.


I'm a clumsy some-beotch, always have been, scrapes and cuts a part of my everyday life you know? What I remember most clearly though, not the cuts and scrapes, but the damage done to me by bandaids. For years and years I just figured that the red painful pissed off skin that was left behind from bandaids after my cuts were healed was from pulling them off. It always hurt SO MUCH to pull them off, but it hurt everyone right? Nobody likes having their hair pulled out. It wasn't until I was 16 or so and realized that the adhesive parts of the bandaid were leaving rashes and welts on my skin WEEKS after the skin was healed.


I'm a tad slow, it takes me a while to figure things out ok? But who ever heard of being allergic to freaking BANDAIDS!?! REALLY?? Ok so lots of people but not my back water-ass. I stopped using the bitches and found other ways (scotch tape and gauze) of dealing.


When I was 22 and wanted to try the birth control patch I never even THOUGHT about the whole allergy thing. Oh man, I went 3 weeks on that shit and had 3 giant square scars on my arms for about 6 months after I realized that the fucked-up-skin left behind after tearing them off miiiggghhhhhtt not be right. (Please insert "Retard At Play" sign here, drive carefully please)

Gawd ANYWAYS last night standing in the bathroom I read the box of my newly purchased Sensitive Skin Bandaids. They're strange kinda crappy bandaids so I was reading the box trying to figure out why they cost so much but actually work for me.

It said "For sensitive skin, LATEX FREE."

"Latex free? Huh? I thought it was adhesives that were fucking me up all these years. Wait, don't they make those creepy sounding Lamb Skin condoms for people with latex allergies?"

.......

. . . . . . . . .

A few more thinking dots later and I said out loud to my cats "Oh NO FUCKING WAY!!!" It all came together in my head like a big slushie rush. "NUH UHHHH!!" "SHIT !! "

You see, I always get sore if I have sex more than a few days in a row. And not even rough sex all the time, or marathons for that matter, just regular in-and-out-roll-over-luv-ya sex. I figured it was normal you know? Like, the lady flower can only take so much and then needs a break, no biggie. But I've heard about OTHER people having sex everyday without problems. I figured maybe my lady flower was just a pansy, I even tried "working through it" a few times to toughen her up but it always resulted in failure.

But the last two times I went to Mexico? I didn't have to use condoms with C. and while my MUSCLES were sore, it wasn't the same kind of sore as usual. I thought it was really nice but didn't think TOO much into it. In the back of my head somewhere I thought maybe it was the texture of condoms or something that had been messing with me, but brushed it off.

And then I read the box of bandaids last night.

Latex. Not adhesives, LAAATTEXX!! No. Fucking. Way.

I mean REALLY?? I'm 26 freaking years old and I JUST FIGURE THIS OUT!!???!! FUCK! No fucking WAAAYYYY!! Can you BELIEVE this??

I just, I just . . . shit.

So can I have everyday sex now? And not be SORE?? How COOOOLL would that be? Holy Shit! And EEEEEEEEEWWWWW do I have to wear Lamb Skin condoms? Ew. Gross. I won't eat goat in mexico let alone Menudo, and I certainly don't want to get it on with a baby lambs SKIN or intestine or what ever the fuck that shit is made of. Eeew.

GAWD I for real can't believe this whole thing though. It's just nuts. I'm really glad my brain caught up with my ass long enough to have a gigantic epiphany, but wow, just wow. Anyways, this isn't the most fun or amusing post in the world but I wanted to make sure if there is possibly anyone else on earth as dumb as me that maybe they'll google something someday and perhaps be helped by this post. IF there is anyone as retarded as me - it's obviously debatable.

Really though, no fucking way !!

Astroglide Update

If you've read more than a couple posts here you know that I love Astroglide. No, I'm not a product endorser or any shit like that, it's just that I masturbate a lot and I like to do it in style.

That said I HATE KY brand, it's stupid and last all of 7 seconds. I hate store brands they last about 4 seconds. Vaseline is stupid, I don't know what you boys are thinking with that and so is lotion, lotion is dumb.


Astroglide is made out of some synthetic god-knows-what but if my Vagina was a car and it was oil then I could go 10,000 miles between oil changes. (just like my ghetto car, poor car)

ANYWAYS I'm writing today because I used up my last bottle of wonder-lube, when to ye ole Walt-Marks to get another and *GASP* noticed a NEW product made by Astroglide. OOOooooooooo was your hor excited!! I couldn't imagine how they could possibly improve on their product and I just HAD to try the new stuff.


Well fuck fuckity fuck.


Dear Astroglide,

You suck. Your new product sucks.

I'm so very disappointed that you

took your wonderful creation

and made it suck.

Sincerely pissed that this sucks,
-Hor


Astroglide GEL. Don't bother, don't even think about it. It has the consistency of GOOP, that's the only word for it, GOOP. It's Goopey, too thick and lasts all of 8 seconds. Your poor little clit or schlong will dry up in no time flat and you'll be stuck GOOPEY and unsatisfied, having to re-apply and re-apply until the job is done, at which point you will be SO goopey and pissy and sticky that you will immediately want to take a shower and write a blog rant.


-Or so I've heard-


Luckily they still carry the regular brand so I won't have to you know, like, freak out or anything. Praise the Lawd.

Single Life and Food

Besides lack of sex there's been a few other changes in behavior in the Ghetto home front. C. liked to have real meals - like home cooked - every day for dinner, and usually the left overs for lunch the next day. It was fun cooking with him, he teaching me new things and vice versa and tweaking my old recipes to make them edible for him. (I.E. add a jalapeno pepper to anything and he'll eat it)

But since he's been gone it seems I've gotten lazier and stranger in my eating habits as time goes by. Last nights dinner?

*Ate a few handfuls of dry cheerio's out of the box standing by the kitchen sink

*Decided I wanted to try that can of Marshmallow Fluff that's been in my cupboard since he left, opened it and fingered out a few test runs. -marshmallow-ee, nice- (this time standing by my stove)

*children's F. Fry @ BK while posting

*Spaghetti made solely in the microwave


That microwave spaghetti was downright FANCY for me as of late. Usually I would have just went back to the cherrios and scrounged up a piece of dry bread or can of peas or something.

I'm a friggin gourmet when it comes to the microwave. Last week I needed real food and figured out that if I microwave my pasta in a bowl with water - and put a bunch of broccoli on TOP of the water, that the water will cook the spaghetti and steam the broccoli. Add in some garlic Parmesan sauce from the can and sprinkle some REAL parm. reggiano over the top and we're talking good shit!!

But yeah, usually it's cold spaghettios from the can with a plastic spoon if I'm wanting fancy. Hell the day before yesterday I had two bottles of water, a bag of combos and a diet ice cream bar.

I might need a multi vitamin.

It just doesn't rate high on my to do list when I'm alone I guess. What about you guys? You all that live by yourself, do you cook real food everyday? Microwave dinners eaten over the kitchen sink? Cheetos on the couch? I could live on cereal alone if I wasn't too cheep to buy milk.

Anways, that's just what I was thinkin about here eating lunch at work (some dry bread, a diet cola and some cherries) I don't know what's up with Websense but it let me on today so that's cool. I think I'm just bored. Hi. *tap* *tap* Anybody there? What's you eatin?

Not So Pissed - Because My Brother ROCKS

I had another ranting post about the two cabbies in Texas who told me that to drive me one and a half miles away from the airport to the gas station (to get some allergy meds that the damn airport didn't carry -REALLY??? Not even friggin Benadryl????SHIT!) that it would be no less than $20. $20 to go a mile and a half. I took an advil.

Anyways I had a whole bunch of rage saved up from that but just as I was about to post it my step mom called. At some point during the conversation she put my little brother on the phone, and all my rage disappeared. He has that affect.

D. - he's 18 years younger than me, 8 years old. He's Autistic, borderline they call it - not completely cut off from the world but has some things . . different about him. I'm not going to say he has some abnormal behaviors or some handicaps, that's all bullshit, he just works different than some others.

ANY WAYS, enough disclaimer. He was doing his thing talking AT me on the phone when his mom broke in and said "D. Tell sissy about earlier today when you were being a baby and was mad at mommy." Usually my lil bro would ignore her and go on talking at me or actually relay the event.

But today- HA! Today I loved him more than ever before and was SO PROUD of his response!! OMG I love this - He took his little 8 year old hand, tried to cover the phone and said "MA-AAAAHHHHMMMMMMM I was NOT being a BABY, I was TRYING to DO something and you bothered me! Ughhh!"
And THEN ignored her and went on talking.

Ah, Ahhh BWAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAH aahhhh ah ahahahhahaha you guys this might be nothing for you but for me it was one of the greatest things I've ever heard him say.

You see, that little gesture of hand and bratty back talk are so TYPICAL, so pre-teen, tween, what-have-you, that it warmed my heart a degree higher than any taxi driver can lower it.

For all that I stand up for my brother - and always will - in his defense that he's not handicapped but just different - I still cheer for him every time I see him do one more typical kid thing. It's typical and "normal" behavior that the world trusts and the typical and "normal" that doesn't get ostracized or fucked with so much as "abnormal." Don't hate me for wanting the world to be as "nice" as it can be to him.

Oh gawd I'm so terrible at this. I'm just trying to say that I love him 100% the way he is but I'm glad for him when he learns something like all the other kids - whether it's how to look someone in the eye and let them have a turn speaking - or being a BRATTY kid and being embarrassed by his mom.

D. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! You'll never read this (ok maybe if you're like 30 and married) but I was so happy for you today, so damn happy that you showed one more trait just like your little "normal" bratty friends. I hope you keep all the neat things about you that are so YOU, but I'm rooting for you and so impressed every time I see you learn something new, lol or ages-old. :P


No rant tonight, I'm too happy with the world again.

XOXOXX's to bratty kids everywhere.

Exit Only Please

I came awfuly close to an unwelcome body cavity search yesterday. You all know I'm usually all for that sort of thing but for me the desire for it ends at the intersection of a border crossing and my ass.

It's so EASY to get in to Mexico but to get back in the states it seems to be nightmare. I was so nervous at the sight of the M-16's
at the border search going IN to Mexico that I walked right past the clearly marked "Permissions" center. Forgive me Mexico but I was too busy oogle eyeing the boy with the machine gun searching through my underpants. I don't like people touching my underpants damn it.

Okay one funny thing about that though - I've got a cool condom case, some new brand hocking their wares in pretty packaging, and the dude couldn't figure out what it was or how to get it open. I could have shown him but it was much more amusing to watch him fumble around with it for a while trying to puzzle it open. The crazy part? He ended up just giving up - how awesome and insane is that? Too bad, I was really looking forward to his reaction.

Anyhoo, back to the near-probing-incident. Because I blindly went past the permissions center too nervous to remember to purchase my tourist visa, I had to go back and get one later on. I could have went back anytime that day or even the next day and everything would have been fine. But no, I was too happy to BE there the first day, to see C. and such -- *AHEM* -- and the second day it was so friggin shoot-myself-HOT that I wouldn't leave the room. Aaaaaand the next day we were with his family the enitre day. So on and so forth I didn't go back and get my tourist pass untill the day before I left.

Moron. I didn't even think anything of it at the time, I just knew I needed one to get back home and figured all'd be well, I'd just tell the border police I got into mexico the day the visa was stamped, they'd search my bag and on my merry way I'd proceed.

Ha. Hahahahahah stupid girl! IDIOT!! "Here's your sign!" "DEE-DEE-DEEE" - whatever retard slander you'd like to insert here just go right ahead.

GUH.
-
Has anybody figured my mistake out yet? Please tell me at least SOME of you don't get it, I need something here people.


Right, so here's the deal - I'm trying to get back into the states with a suitcase packed for a 5 day trip - I.E. - TEN days worth of clothing and girlie lotions and potions galore. I've got no less than 8 pairs of fancy pants ( btw why do they call one thong "underpants?" it should be an underpant -understring- whatever but it shouldn't be plural damn it) THEN my day-wear lady flower covers and a slew of bras to match of course. Enough skirts and dresses to outfit the ladies of a church revival and of course jeans and capris just in case I felt like not pretending to be a lady for C's family.
Point, I had a point, - ah yes, it was when he was looking into my FOURTH zip-lock bag jammed full of travel shampoos and jerlery and the man was asking me for the FOURTH time how long I'd been in Mexico that it dawned on me.

Shit. Shit shit shit Shhhhiiiiiiiiiiiittttt !

"Why did you come to mexico?"

"For a visit"

"What kind of visit?"

"Oh! Uh, to look for an apartment, I'm moving here next month."

"Really. And you only came for one day? That's not much time to find a place."

"Yeeaaahh, well I would have LIKED to stay longer but I have to get back to work unfortunately"

HA hhahhahah I thought by telling him that I would have LIKED to stay longer I was saving my butt a little bit, kind of like I would have LIKED to wear all 12 pairs of underwear and stay for a week but I'm important or something and must rush from the country and save my workplace.

Right.

"What is it you do for a living agian?"

"I'm a secretary and sometimes a truck driver."

Good one.

So ANYWAYS 10,000 questions later he left me standing there at the search station pissing next to my open suitcase and went off to his office with my passport to look me up on his computer for a while. I could see him searching for shit and started to lose my nerve a little bit.

A tad.

Okay so I was trying to figure out a way not to shit my pants. Meanwhile ANOTHER man came along to search my bag but I didn't take much notice because I was ALSO trying to figure out what I was going to say when the first guy came back and confronted me with the damning evidence of the super secret spy camera that took my picture when I crossed the border - that he was able to find by matching the configurations of my facial sturcture in my passport picture a-la-CSI - PROVING that I had been in Mexico not 2 days but FIVE - and proceeded to haul me off to the fun room and then jail.

Just as I was coming out of it a tad and thinking maybe I could just say that I stayed with his family in Texas a few days before going down to MX and THAT'S why I needed 8 thong underpants - he was walking back tword me, giving me my passport and telling me to have a nice day.

At which point I abruptly fainted.

Ok, so not really but that would have been par for the course that day and I WAS shaky and sweating and light headed.

I guess answering the other 9,999 questions truthfuly and not actually HAVING any drugs or mexicans stored in my suit case was enough to get me off the hook. Who were they to prove (without the super secret spy camera (ok grama gotta stop watching so many crime shows)) that I'm not just really high maitanance or a weirdo or like, super over prepared or something. Who are they to assume that I'm not the type to prepare for a world wide thong, lotion or shampoo shortage crisis at all times?

They can't, and luckily my ass lives to see another day - sanz uninvited probe-ing.

I need a drink.

XOXOXO's
- Hor

Fucking Robbed

I alternate between loving mexico and HHAAAAAATING it. Right now I am SO in fucking HATE mode!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

FUCK FUCKING FUCKERS!

FUCK!

Ok, ok. I have to share this with you guys cuz I don't want to tell C. and get him upset.

I just left mexico a couple of hours ago (I'm posting from the airport) C. and I had a very nice last meal together and then we found a taxi willing to take him to his bus stop (like 2 blocks) and me across the border into Texas to the airport - for $40.00 We knew $40 was rape but you don't have much of a choice over there, they kinda stick together on their prices, assholes.

Anyways this taxi driver drops C. off and then starts driving me around in circles and I'm thinking what the fuck? He told C. I had to give him $10.00 right away so that he could pay the fare across the bridge (I knew it was only $2.50 but kept my dumb mouth shut and figured he was just keeping the rest for fare you know?) So anyways he drives back and forth in front of the damn international bridge a few times and I'm thinking Jesus is he LOST?

AHAHAHH No. All of a sudden he's flagging down another taxi driver and saying "Aeropuerto, $30.00!!" they pull over in a hurry and he's unloading my bag into the other guys trunk before I can even get out. I was slowly catching on and give me a break here I was pretty shell shocked you know? So I started to tell the guy to give the OTHER guy the $10.00 and he was like "Oh, no, it's O.K. it's o.k." I said "Give him the money!" and the guy just kept saying oh no, it's alright, it's ok, he take you, $30.00 he take you. I meekly tried to tell him to give the other guy the $10.00 for the "fare" for going across the bridge but by that time he was half in his car still telling me it was O fucking K.

DAMN IT! FUCK ME AND MY weak, stupid getting-my-ass-taken-advantage-of- ASS! FUCK FUCK FUCK!

As SOON as I got in the other taxi I realized I should have started screaming and pointing at the guy "Tramposo! Tramposo mi dinero!!" (cheater, cheater me money) I don't have the best skillz in spanish but I could have made due. And then I should have started screaming and pointing and yelling "Nececito Policia!!!" "Tramposo Taxi!" (I need police, cheater taxi) It wouldn't have been the best spanish but it would have made one HELL of a point and I know the guy would have caved and gave me my cash.

But no, NO, I just got in the other taxi, dazed and slowly coming to awareness that I had been "had."

FUCK

FUCKING

FUCKER!

I will never EVER be had like that again. FUCK YOU MEXICO BASTARD CAB DRIVER!! YOU are going to burn in HELL you thief son of a bitch ! Enjoy my $10 (ok, $9.40 because .60 would have more than paid for C's fare) now, you piece of shit because in hell you're gonna get about $10,000 shoved up your ass and ate out by fucking Montezuma you worthless sack of MIERDA! I hope your ass lives a long life so you can rack up countless more bullshit for yourself to feed on in hell.


I'm so pissed.


OH HO HO HOAHHHH it'll be awesome the next time some mexican fucker tries to mess with me though. I'm taking ALL of my red-neck crazy and ALL of my Ghetto in addition to my new found Mexico living pissed off-ted-ness with me to Mexico next month. Bring it on BITCHES! Try and fuck with me now pendejos! This hor doesn't forget and the next time you try and fuck with me I'm gonna rip you a new one so raw you'll fucking think twice before you ever mess with a little white girl all by herself again.

New Positions - FOR DILDOS!!

No, not for idiots, I mean actually FOR the dildo.

HOLY SHIT you guys for real this's never even crossed my mind before and I'm totally blown away by the discovery.

I was doing my thang the other night with my favorite duck taped dildo and was indulging in a great fantasy about my next door neighbor.


What?

I wouldn't actually do it, calm down.


So anyways, in the fantasy I totally wanted to do it bent over his couch but the regular missionary style pose-sish of my dildo kinda wasn't cutting it. WHY it would bother me after yeeeaaaarrrrrrssss of dildo-ing that the position wasn't "right" I have no idea, but it did. I guess I'm boring myself again.

Anyhoo I started thinking about actually getting up and DOING the dildo doggy style, to really get into it. Aaaaaaaand then I thought to myself "Sheesh, hor, this is where the weirdness starts, next thing you'll be doing auto-erotic-asphyxiation to get your jollies."


And then I held my breath for a little bit, quit, and thought what the fuck?


I finished in my regular style and just went to sleep, brushing it off.

The next night rolls around and guess who's fantasizing about a certain Mexican doing it doggy in a post office? What? I wanted to say "Go postal on me baby!" It's my fantasy, whatever.

And the THOUGHT popped up again! "Do it for real! Doggie the dildo!" SO I DID! EEEEEEE!!!!!! I thought I was going to feel SO stupid and it was totally not going to work but OH my gosh you guys that was SO not the case! HOLY SHIT! This is my biggest discovery since Astroglide! CRAP!!


It wasn't hard to pull off AND it felt amazingly different - and honestly it was even easier to fall into the fantasy because it was behind me and all I could see was my headboard and not my hands doing the work. It was awesome and I'm for real going to bust down that dildo and work it on out in every position I can think of from now on.

How fun! I can't believe I never thought of this before! And ANNNDD you guys, how cool is this - maybe I can work with a couple of positions I don't like in real life, and find a way on my own to make them better, you know, like practice with them to see if I can make it work somehow - AND THEN TRY IT IN REAL LIFE!!! How cool is this! HOLY CRAAAAAAAAPPP!!!!



SHIT is ANYBODY as excited as me about this? I'm frigging ecstatic! SHIIITT!!!

Try it out gals (or dudes, I don't discriminate) you won't be sorry.

Moving To Mexico

I'm continually surprised by the people in my life - close and not so close - and their reactions toward me moving to Mexico. I live in Michigan so it's pretty far from home and sometimes I wonder if I lived in Texas or Arizona if the same people would have widely different opinions.
I guess it doesn't matter, I just wonder.

The parents that raised me and took the time to get to know C. have been huge supporters. I think for them it's a mixture of knowing me so well and realizing that I'm not the type to jump off the "deep end" for no apparent reason - MIXED with the fact that they've been married 30 years and have that kind of crazy sick love that only GROWS over time. They still hold hands and smooch in the kitchen for no reason and gush about one another when the other is absent. Sometimes they feel the need for a break so my dad'll go camping but my Ma will miss him by the first night and he the same.

I've expressed to them that I know the difference between what they have and what so many others have - and that I know I've been lucky to find it for myself. They've seen C. and I, they know how he treats me and how we truly feel about one another, hell, he's been brave enough to tell them aloud, and they wouldn't ask me to give up this kind of gift for anything.

I'm so close with them and I'll miss them so much it scares me but in C. lies my heart and my future. He told me the other day - "Chiquita, I want jew to neyver worry about the money to go see jdour parents. I know how close you are to dem and just want jew to know that we'll do what ever we have to, to live good lives and for jew to go see dem when ever jew want. Don't ever worry about dee money Ok?" Anybody guess that I fell in love with him just a little more that day?

I'm so sick - SICKENED - by the people in my life that don't understand what we have. In a way I feel sorry for them because I know that they've never had this type of love, but at the same time so very angry for how cruel they can be to me in their ignorance - or for the fact that they just can't keep their opinion to their self. Every day I hear how stupid I am or how I'm making a mistake or on and on and on.

A "friend" of mine told me just a few days ago that "You'll be back, don't worry they'll give you your job back in six months, they'll wait for you." She said it smiling (kind of a laugh and a mock) and condescendingly and it was then that I realized she's never really been my friend.

A customer of mine asks me twice a week or so "YOU STILL GOIN TO MEXICO?!?" Most of the time he'll just point his finger at me and shake his head after I say yes, but this time he felt the need to inform me in front of my boss and friend that "I really think you're making a mistake. A big mistake." Like so many others though he won't back up his opinion with a reason, no, nope he's boosted only by his self righteousness. When I prompted him by asking -
"What if your wife moved across the country? Wouldn't you follow her?" His answer - "BAhh if she moved across the country that'd be her own problem and I'm not going anywhere!" I asked him if he seriously didn't love his wife enough to follow her and he replied with his own - "You always have a choice."

"You always have a choice"
He's told me that several times and this time I told him that my C. didn't HAVE a choice in leaving and my choice is made. His answer? "You've ALWAYS got a choice." Really? I told him that yeah, he COULD come back illegally and face being caught and going to jail and we COULD live in fear for the rest of our lives. I asked him what kind of life he thought that would be and asked him "Don't we deserve to not live in fear, to go through the right channels and live legally like everyone else and make a decent life for ourselves?" His answer - just a shake of the head.

It's this, this zero tolerance and zero willingness to listen to even the slightest amount of reason
that drives me mad.

My grandmother has written me off as a black sheep. I don't care, she's done it to others in my family over the years. The real shitty part is that she hasn't exactly led a peach of a life herself. Jesus this is beyond the pot calling the kettle black. This is more like the recovered alcoholic/adulteress/couldn't even raise her 5 children all from different fathers herself/but-now-I'm-holier-than-everyone- pot calling the kettle a tramp. Yeah so I'm a little angry. I hadn't seen her in many months and the first thing she asked me a couple of weeks ago was (not Hi, good to see you how are you?) "Well are you still going?" -yes- "Well.. It's your life, your gonna have to live it. (ad in a tone dripping with sarcasm and contempt and you'll get the drift) And walked away to ignore me the rest of the day. When she left I received a flap of the arm coupled with a head shake and an ever so kind "Good luck!" (same tone as above)

I'm so tired of the pity-looks and head shakes and unsolicited never thought out advice. And no, it's not "They just CARE about you." If they really cared about me they'd listen and take me seriously and at least TRY to see why I'm doing this.

There have been a few gems in all of this though. Besides my parents, my best-friend-since- forever has really steeped up bravely and supported me every inch. I was afraid for her and I in the beginning, afraid that she would be so very sad that she wouldn't be able to be anything BUT sad. But dang has this girl shown some back-bone! Hallelujah she's surprised me with her bull-dog attitude in defending my choices. And she KNOWS how much I love him, she's not married herself and has had her share of shitty relationships but is SHE jaded and resentful and mean spirited to me just because she hasn't yet found her true north? No. Nope she's strong for me, strong even if she is sad or even worried. She doesn't let it even show but I know because she's as close as a person can get without gettin it on ya know? She's my not-sexual- true north. :P Thank You Jaybird for your insane loyalty and respect. If ever I've chosen someone to be family it's you, and I'm glad you've taken me.

And my Step Mom, she's something else I tell ya. She was fierce at first, tried everything she could to get me to leave him, but after she realized that I wouldn't give in she turned on a dime and has supported me as strongly as she had once opposed me. I didn't expect that, I thought she'd just keep on her first course, but she didn't. She's done just what my parents have done, what any good parent would do for a child they love or a best friend would do for a friend they love. She supports me even though she's afraid for me or doesn't exactly agree and I don't have the words right words to express how much I appreciate it.

So amongst all my anger at so many people there are bright spots so lovely it keeps me going. I'll be going down the 16th of this month for a visit and then actually MOVING the 3rd or 4th week of September - depending on how busy it is here at work. I'll be going hopefully on an F3 visa that allows me to live there -not as a citizen - and come and go freely. In fact next week when I go down to visit he and I are going to get to know our new border town and look for a place to stay.

I've been procrastinating on EVERYTHING like packing and getting rid of stuff and my VISA and selling my quad and extra car and .. and.. and oh hell. But this past week I've started to pack in earnest and sort out stuff for my moving sale. And this weekend I SWEAR I'm going to do something about my quad. Like for real. And yeah. Yep.


So there, that's a little bit on me going to Mexico. It's a huge undertaking but I swear the biggest part of all is the emotional stuff. Mainly the discourteous abuse. (my aren't we dramatic today!)

I've got more to say but well, I think that's enough bitching and gushing for one day. :P

XOXOOXX's

Hor

Posting from the KING

Ok so I'm posting from the Burger King PARKING LOT because I'm too ashamed to take my expensive laptop (ok so, like, expensive to a poor person and it was on sale ok, just let me be impressed with myself and carry on like nothing happened) into the actual Burger King Establishment. Of course further review of this, looking at myself sitting in the PARKING LOT of a Burger King is I guess a tad worse. Weirdo extraordinaire folks, and I don't even mean to be.

God I keep thinking that giant frightening Burger King KING dude is gonna come out in costume and run me off waving his hands but not talking. I'd piss my pants, that dude is scary. Of course I AM the one typing in my car in a parking lot so maybe he's speak up and inform me that I'M the freak and to get my strange but sexy ass out of here.

I wonder if he'd offer me some apple fries first?

Ah well, anyways.


I just literally ran away from the Ghetto Laundry to come here. My god I thought on a Saturday night I'd be the only one freakish enough to be "going out" to do laundry. But APPARENTLY Saturday night is National Do-laundry-if-you're-a-horny-mexican-MALE-night. SHIT FIRE!! I walked into that place and it was like something you'd see in a prison movie. You know, where the new guy walks down the isle and all the dirty inmates stare and make lewd comments about the fresh meat? DAMN IT.

My eyes hit the floor like a hor in a catholic thunderstorm and I worked my way through the masses trying my best to pretend I wasn't on display like a freaking meat market. Kinda creepy to walk by and have 30 heads turn in succession and follow you at once. Gah.

It was all going fine until some dude came up behind me and started saying "Blanca! Blanca!" (white girl, white girl) to get my attention. I mean for real?

Seriously dude?

Like....... honestly?

Ass.

How would YOU like it if I came up behind you and started saying -in a perhaps foreign language- to you "Mexican Man! Mexican Man!" What the fuck? Would you be like "Oh! Shit! SNAP, dis girl done identified me as a Mexican Male! Oh my god I'm going to fall in love or drop my pants right here and offer sex!" Idiot.

At that point I remembered that I'm not some little church mouse - I live in the GHETTO BITCHES - and my head started to swivel a bit and I thougt to myslef - "Oh. No. He. Di'nt. No this mutha-fucka is NOT comin up behind me talkin some bullshit that I MAY or MAY NOT understand. (he doesn't know I speak spanish) What the fuck is he thinking? Oooooo lawwdy if this man gets any closer to me I swear. . ......... . . . . . (reverting back to severe cracker mode) . . . I swear I'll uhhhhhhhh. . . shit. OH!!'

'BITCH! I'll two-way my husband MI ESPOSO and have HIM tell this little ass wipe off! Yes!" HA! C. loves to be a little shit fire ant if need be, he'll save the day for me and I won't have to actually practice my Ghetto moves. Not that I have any Ghetto moves really, but I've got some good ole Ghetto Self Righteousness by gawd.

Anyways. He gave up, probably figuring I didn't understand him because I didn't turn around and went back to merely staring.

That's right beotch, you felt my super cracker ghetto skillz, you knew down deep not to mess with this pale hor. And her cell phone by god.


K, it's been enough time for my clothes to dry, wish me luck as I go back into the fire. I've got my pocket knife, my Neo-T0-Go and my Tide Pen, I think I'll be all right.


XOXOXO's
-hor

I WANT MY COMMENTS!!!! And my FAAAH-Gina shrunk.

SHIT !! SHIIIIIIIIIIITTT!!!!!!! AAaaaand fuck.

I thought I was so smart yesterday right?? Today I came here to my sad little posting area to see if anybody commented on my post yesterday - and YAY!! there was one golden comment (hey I don't knock it I was glad for even one) - but when I went to LOOK AT IT our stupid bastard web-sense-police-bastard-screen-THING that our company uses caught on and wouldn't let me SEE IT.

I WANT TO SEE THAT COMMENT YOU FUCKER!! And I want to comment back. I hate this, I hate it I hate it I hate it.

Fuck Fuckity I'm going to have to go to Burger King every night to get my free Wi-Fi and see my comments and be able to talk back.

Assholes. ASSHOLES!! I'ts not like I'm putting up porn or anything.

What. Ever.


"I wanna have sex bay-bay! Wanna talk about YOU and Me..." *dancing in my chair* Gotta love that song.


So anyways, I lost my duck-taped dildo, it's probably just under my bed or something but I'm too lazy to look for it. So I went back and tried to use my ole lil-bunny-fu-fu. You know the Rabbit? Holy Crap! Did you know that ye ole FAAAH-GINA kind of shrinks down to what ever size you've been using on it for a while?

I'm for real folks, my poor lil lady flower was pissed at me trying to screw the bunny. It just didn't wanna take it. It HURT. Who friggin knew ya know? Not me that's fo-show. Not that I'm complaining I guess (i mean really??) but it was a tad of a surprise.

OMG I wonder if C. has been noticing a, uh, AHEM, difference, when I've been going down to Mexico to visit? I would guess not seems how I'm only down there every month and a half to two months anyways. He's probably so thrilled to have a **ssy at his disposal that he wouldn't notice if it could talk. What? You got a problem with "**ssy?" I don't like that word, it freaks me out. I don't know why, it's not like I care about any other sex related material, it's just one of those things.

Hors have limits too.

Moving To Mexico

Trying to move to another country is kicking my ass.

Plus my C. has been gone for like 4 months and I've been CELIBATE ( FUCK !!!)

AAAAAANNNDDD ever since I've been working 75 hour weeks AND my FUCKING BASTARD EMPLOYER ---------BLOCKED MY SITE---------- to our entire corporation (kind of proud of that btw) I've not been able to you know, like, SEE my blog.

I bought a laptop but I'm too cheap to buy internet service for my house - plus I'm never there.

I could go into the ghetto where they have free wi-fi at the BURGER KING (hahahahahhahahaah) but I sort of need to sleep sometime. Maybe.


SOOOOO anyways I went to my family friendly blog today - also abandoned - and somehow wound up figuring out that I can post - I CAN POST!!!!! --on this blog, by just coming here to the lonely writing section of it.

WHO
THE
FUCK
KNEW!?!?!?!

FUCKSHITFUCKSHITFUCKSHITFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKK!!!!!

For real, even as busy as I've been I could throw out a little pat on the bottom to you people once in a while if I had known this shit.

Jebus.

Ah well, I know now and I've got shit to say people. I won't be able to SEE MY FUCKING BLOG here at work so I don't even really remember what it looks like, but at least I can shoot out some of my own personal blathery jizz and share with the world once again.

Hugs and Kisses Hors, I hope you're still out there.

Duct Tape and Dildo's

OH my gosh you guys!! I've been gone so long AHHHHHHH it's sucked so much ASS!! And not even real ass sucking, hell, no sucking of any type for me as the Mexican is still in Mexico. So anyways, I've been working 14 -15 hour days here (holy damn) PLUS you guys PLUUUUSSSS my freakin workplace "Websense" internet blocker decided to up and block my site from view at work. BASTARDS!! HORS! FUCKERS!!

And would you believe the reason listed for the block was "Sex" ??? Sons of bitches - I've seen them block things for "profanity" where the hell is my profanity rating? Bitches. HAHAHA I've seen a few sites blocked as "tasteless" and was kind of hoping for that too, but, ah well.

So yeah, I'm reduced to having to post from my laptop but since I'm too cheap to buy internet service I have to go to Burger King and get it for free and since I'm working the 15 hours.... blah blah blah you get it. Let's move on to dildo's shall we?

It's been nearly two months since me and the bean have been together and to say I've been "tearin up" my toys is for once not an understatement.

Picture it, the ghetto, May 8th 2008, my bedroom, me, dildo. My favorite dildo to be precise, I like it cuz it's just the right size and has a decent texture. SO anyways at the end of said favorite dildo it has like a squishy filled end to hold on to, it's kind of neat. I've always got a pretty good grip on the thing and I guess after a few years of gripping and grinding the plastic just couldn't take it anymore. You guys I ripped the end of my dildo off. My TOY! My friend that is always there for me - UGH!!

It ripped the end open and some foamy stuff started falling out - HA! It looks like little pieces of old cut up mattress foam in there all odd colors and everything - huh. Ah well what ever works ya know? This hor ain't picky. I inspected the rip and honest to god you guys the first thought to come into my head was "I wish I had some packing tape." It was the END of it so that end doesn't actually touch the lady flower and they don't make this kind any more and I want my friend!!

Ok and here is the SO FREAKIN coolest thing EV-VER!! OH MY GAWD !!! I looked over the side of my bed and what did I see? WHAT DID I SEE???!!! Oh fuck there was a partial roll of duct tape laying RIGHT THERE beside my bed. Why? Hell if I know, I'm a hillbilly, I guess we're not respectable unless we have a roll in every room.

I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth so I did it. I ripped me off a good section of duct tape (silver and everything) and fixed up my friend. No harm done but a little foam lost, I guess I could have done a transfusion and thrown in a little something. Hey you know it would have been cool if I would have put some funny stuff and a message inside, you know, like the time capsules we all made in like 1st grade? Damn that would have been sweet. Ah well, it's all good, I have my buddy back and that's all that counts for now.

I'll be flying out again next week to go see C. again. Gonna get me some of the good shit and give my poor dild-ho a rest. :P

DIRTY WORDS and DIRTY TALK

So, "Dirty Talk." When C. was in custody for a month and a half I wrote him every day, and you know? We learned a lot about each other that we might not have any other way. Can you imagine a lot of what we wrote about had to do with sex? Well yes I guess you might think a TAD :P

One of the things that came up was Dirty Talk. When I was writing the erotica fantasy stories and sending them to him I came across a couple of phrases and words that for some reason tripped my trigger all of a sudden, and I decided to share them with him. Take "Cock" for example. I like that word, I like to write it and I like to read it. I told him it might be nice if I could say it out loud to him or him to me during a down and dirty session. That and "Fuck." I guess it's just so dirty and bad-girl that it just makes things . . . I don't know, but he liked it too.

So. I get to Mexico and we get a chance to try out some new stuff you know?

Oh dear.

The moment "Cock" came out of his mouth, sounding so foreign and goofy, it just flopped. I could almost SEE the word fall and flop around on the floor and visualize myself just standing there, and a big grin of immaturity starting to spread across my face as I began to laugh. A lot of men don't do well when you laugh at them when they're trying to be hot. I guess I wouldn't do to well either but at least he let me explain my way out. The bad part is that he didn't REALLY get it, and now it's stuck in his head, and whenever he tries to be particularly suave, he drops the "cock" bomb on me.

I guess all those letters I wrote must have really stuck, and that's nice, but damn, he's gotta stop sayin it. I wonder what the deal is though? I still like to see the word and read it or write it - but I don't want to say it and I don't want to hear it. What IS that? What in my brain says "OH YEAH!" to a word visually but NOT audibly? Is that the goofiest thing you've ever heard?

What's the stumbling block I wonder? Maybe it's like some of my more dirty and involved fantasy's. I like to get off to them, but afterwards when I come down from the high, I realize that I'd never actually DO them, sometimes - afterwards - it surprises me that I could even come up with that shit, and think it's hot. Ah well.

So? Anybody? Any words that you like to read but not say? Or maybe you like to hear someone say but just not yourself?

I got to HAVE SEEEXXXXX!!!

YAY!! I got some of that sweeet Mexcian Ass! HA!! YES!!! Oh, okay, and like, you know, we were reunited for five days and you know, like, saw each other and talked and had a good time and reconnected, blah blah, BUT WE HAD SEX!!!!

Hot Damn a lot of sex! This hor was sore when she came home. Yowwzza! Danm you guys there's not enough foreplay and astroglide in the world to keep a bitch smooth enough to not get sore after a marathon like that. Poor lil lady-flower was a tad pissed off.

Our first day back together was so strange at first - it had been so long since either of us had touched another human (intimately) -that we had to learn all over again how to hold hands, how to kiss, how to make out and so on. But the greatest thing was that first night - it was such a surprise. I expected it to be awkward or something, or *ahem* pretty quick at first *cough cough* and for us to both feel shy - but shy be damned we were back on the wagon!!

Oh OH!! And you know? I kind of figured it'd be some good shit, but I had NO IDEA just HOW good! It was like something out of a damn romance novel book, it was the freakin shit! It seemed like every nerve ending and every inch of skin on my body was super sensitized, oh man I wish I could bottle that and have it every time. And the strangest part? I usually hate my nips to be messed with, but this time was different, I guess because I was so hyper-sensitive, I don't know, but for the first time in my LIFE I actually wanted some nip play. LOL though, C. is so well trained to stay away I had to convince him to give them some extra attention.

The rest of our time was great but after that first night the super-sensitivity went away for me and my pinks went back to being pissy. Poor C. just didn't get it, I had to fight him off 'em again like before and he was like "what the heck??" :P Poor guy.

SO, what I need to know. NEEEEDDD to know, is how in the hell can I get my body to be like that every time? I'm sort of not into spending 7 weeks apart just to get one night like that, but now that I know that my body is CAPABLE of such sensation - UHHHH - there's like got to be a way to bring it out on a regular basis right? RIGHT???

Now don't get me wrong, our everyday-gettin-it-ons are pretty damned decent, but THIS SHIT was out of the damn park! I could get addicted to that like a pig on truffles laced with E.

Don't you bitches tell me to meditate or something, it's not gonna happen. But really, shit, damn! I guess I'll get another go at it in a month or so when I get to see him again *crosses fingers* Please let it be the same Please let it be the same! Maybe if it happens again next time I can do some sort of mind association trick like that dude on the t.v. that swears "I can make you thin!" (through the t.v.) He's got some trick about visualizing and pinching your fingers together, maybe I'll try something like that.

But what will I tell C? "Hey baby don't mind me, I'm visualizing, you just keep doin what you be doin down there. That's right. Mmmm Hmm, good boy"

Any ideas? Anybody have an experience like this?

Fancy Panties

Picture it: JC Pennys – 6p.m. – 3 weeks ago. Me, buying fancy schmancy new under-roos for when I go to mexico and see my man. They had a 5 for 25 deal, it was great, and I spent a good hour picking out 5 pairs (okay 6 I couldn't’t decide) of draws to cover my ass.

Anyways, you guys know about my ass situation right? We’ve covered this before (ha ha pun :PPP) It’s big, I’ve got a ghetto booty, hell a ghetto ass – it’s lovely and quite coveted by my Mexican let me tells ya.

But the thing is though, with allllll of this ass that I have, it takes a tad more fabric to cover than say you’re average super waif model, like, you know, for real. It’s always been a bit embarrassing for me to tell you the truth, I feel like a gigantor when I buy my pretty panties and I try my best to do it discreetly. I go so far as to fold them in half, stack them neatly and have just the price tag sticking out for their scanning convenience. And try and cover the view of them with my body. And make cringey faces to show my discomfort. So when Mrs. JC Penny decided to air my new purchases for all to see, it was a moment I’ll not soon forget.

She picked up each pair of cutsie panties, shook them out like you would a shirt before folding and the HELD THEM UP IN THE AAAIIIRRRR at like, head level, to inspect and admire and comment on. Uh. . . ???? And the thing is we’re not talking just regular pretty panties – no – we’re talking lacy-see-through-tiny-not-EVEN-gonna-cover-my-cheeks- panties. Okay and two THONGS as well, one thong of which a lady 2 people back in line felt the need to tell me was quite pretty. I believe it was hot pink with electric green lace. Yeah, uh, thanx.

After she held them up in the air for all to see my chosen fancys she then laid them out flat on the counter stretched out in their full sized glory for all to see that I was buying big pretty panties. I guess they could tell WHY because I was sort of carrying my ass with me at the time, but I don’t know, there’s just something about them seeing my foot of fabric laid out flat screaming “BIG OLE FRIGGIN BOOTY” that makes me cringe. Sue me, I’m a prude hor.

Mrs. JC Penny then needed to ask me if I required a gift receipt. What? They never ask me that, do I not LOOK like the type to wear hor under-roos? Did she think they were to big for me and I was giving them to someone else? Did she think that buying 6 pairs of fancy panties was too much for one regular gal and that they were for a bachelorette or something? DID SHE NOT SEE MY ASS???

Turns out she does this quite regular. I told my boss about it and my boss said that Mrs. JC Penny is always in there at night, and always does that to underpants. Who knew? Sure as hell not me.