Exercise that TWAT!!

There's a new wave of Kegel exercisers (VAGINA TONERS) out on the market, it seems that now days us gals want machines and devices contraptions to work out our lady flowers and plain ole kegels just won't do. I guess it's the same as everything else, why jog in a park or do push ups and sit-ups when you can run like hell on a treadmill, hop off and choose from ten different sit-up or push-up machines? (I'm not knockin it I go to the gym too)

Or hell, why work out at all when you can just stay home and Sit and Spin?? (omgomgomg I've actually tried one of those at a friends house and it IS as retarded as it looks hahahahahahahaha but hey, to each their own and what not) Or shit why move at ALL when you can get on of those deal-e-o's that electrocutes you - wait, no, I mean STIMULATES your muscles, right, riiiiggghhhhttt. How bought those things come with some stimulation for the peoples BRAIN that thinks to buy them, maybe a couple of volts to get things moving and clear out the cobwebs. LOL, not that I guess that's really necessary since I've seen an idiot buy and try one out before and after the first time that thing Zapped the SHIT out of her she sort of got the idea that it wasn't going to be useful.

Anyways, anyways, geezzzz I digress. ON to the twat-squat. Check these bitches out. The first one I think has been around for a while and what you're supposed to do is insert the big end ball and try to hold the bitch in (while standing duh.) As your lady gets stronger you're supposed to switch to the smaller end and try to hold THAT in place. And THEN when you're vagina is to the point where she can crush a coke can you're supposed to instert the wand further and train to hold it by just the skinny stick part and not use the ball for help. (I wonder if I got this and told C. what it is if he'd believe me and then I could just use it as a dildo? Like maybe it wouldn't freak him out??? *writing note* kay.)

The NEW toys look a lot more fun and these bitches I might consider trying out. Check out this one. You put the big end in the twizzle and squeeze with the point being to bring the two ends together. (it even has adjustable tension!) OH MY GAWD - HOW cool would this be at a dinner party? Talk about entertainment! "Time to serve the salad darling, would you mind getting the "tongs?" "Everyone gather round, let me serve your spring greens with my vagina tongs"

This last one? I honestly don't know what the fuck you're supposed to do with it. It looks to me like a flat iron for hair in the shape of a dildo. Maybe it's a two in one and you can exercise the taco and then heat it up and iron out those curlies. Hell if I know but the bitch looks like it would PINCH somehow and I'm really not feelin that. Plus with all of the misshaps and self mutilation by burning I've had with flat irons over the years it would scare me just to look at it. Although it you DID get the hang of it it might be a cool thing if say you were a hair stylist that got your arms cut off. "Hey, no worries, I'll have that hair flat as a rail in just a second, if you could just jam this dildo iron up my schwagg . . . " Well ya never know.

Anyhoo, I like the tongs, that's my fav. pic. Somebody send me one and I'll get right on a review! But I still think I'd pee with my mom, she really cracks me up.

Shower Misshap # twaa

So, my vacation. I planned on doing all sorts of enlightening things like teaching my ass some new songs on the gui-tar, dusting off my violin, reading smart people books, going to the library, starting yoga so that one day I'll be able to lick my own clit cuz I saw this chick at the circus last year who could TOTALLY do that if she was so inclined but at the time she was playing around in a rope in the air but I'll bet she was THINKING about what she was gonna do after the show cuz DAMN, ummmm, cooking, cleaning, yada yada.

All I ended up doing was going to the gym for a couple hours a day and then coming home and plopping my ghetto ass on the couch and immersing myself in "The Golden Girls" and "Will and Grace" and lots and lots of "What Not To Wear." My favorite shows all on dish daytime t.v. Sorry brain cells, no chance to groweth had yee.

I DID however manage to have a good ole-fashioned floppin clutz from hell moment in the shower - picture it, The Ghetto, 2008, I was in the shower, nekkid....
Aaaaandd went to lift up my leg in some sort of contortion so that I could shave my ass and not cut my bung-hole with ye ole quatro razor when I found some major slippage and not much ability to stay up-right.

I flapped my hands hoping to fly and managed to somehow stand up with my back to the rubber ducky shower curtain and LONDON BRIDE here we come. It happened so slow, actually the shower curtain managed to hold me in place for a half second because I was stepping on it (the duckys TRIED) but ye ole trailer shower curtain rod made out of pop-can metal just couldn't take it. The rod folded in on itself, ripped out of the wall and down I went, hands flailing, throwing the razor to god knows where, banging off of the toilet and scratching the hell out off my wrist on the laundry hamper.

It was kind of cool though, I missed the toilet with my head which I thought was nice and actually landed flat on my back (a position I'm used to) on the shower curtain on the floor. I laid there for a minute or so trying to figure out what happened and reveling in how cool my landing was and started to wonder if I could fix that shower curtain rod before C. got home.

So anyways, I got myself up, bent the bar back (SUPER STRENGTH thank you) got me a screw driver and put the bitch back up. You'd never be able to tell anything happened except for that it looks like I tried to kill myself by slitting my wrist with a wicker basket. That's a real nice look for the gym, but whatever.

Hell, C. and nobody else would have ever known but I sort of can't keep embarrassing things to myself and ended up dragging him in the bathroom .5 seconds after he got home from work to do a re-in-act-ment. (minus the ass shaving)

So, all in all it was a good vacation. I survived. That's all I really ask for.

Fug It

Okay so I'm back from vacation but I'm being a real bastard and instead of writing my own crap I'm too busy amusing myself catching up on everybody's stuff that I missed while I was gone. I'm selfish, so whatever.

Okay, THAT and I've been wanting to do a post on masturbating - a how-to for women and tips for men - but it's going to require me to think a lot. And I don't WANT to think a lot. I'm lazy I just want to read other blogs and laugh until I pee.

Actually I usually only laugh until I pee when I'm with my mom. But she does it TOO so I figure that it cancels things out. Plus we always tell each other when we do so that REALLY cancels things out.

And you listen here I don't want any junk about how I need to do kegels because my muscles are weak or something. My lady flower could bench press yo mamma. We just like to laugh and we do it hard.

Kay, I'm out, have fun picturing my vagina bench pressing your mother.

I've Got One Hell of a Hot Vagina

No, but like for real, it's like a freakin heater. If it were a Lady-Flower for real, dis bitch would have wilted in the hot-house long long ago. I'm wondering if a lot of women are like this and maybe just don't talk about it. I've always wanted to take it's temperature but I've sort of never got around to it. But I'll BET that it runs a couple of degrees higher than the rest of me.

It really comes in handy in the winter though, I'll give it that. My V section is better than ANY hunters hand warmer. ALTHOUGH it does pose a problem once in a while. Take two days ago: I was driving in my car, it's cold as hell out, and my hands are freezing. I did like I often do in these situations and shoved one of my hands between my legs - (between the pants of course.) I was driving along happily soaking up the warmth and pulled up to a stop light. Next to a guy in a truck. That had a clear view of me and my hands placement, and he was STARING. And then his buddy was looking and I had to inch my car forward to get away. NICE

C. has come to appreciate it's value bless his heart. I'm always on hand for his cold hands too. Sometimes at night when his feet are really cold and he's pitiful I'll even grab a leg and sling his foot up in the warmth zone. He was pretty weirded out by that at first but now he loves it. He thinks it's hilarious (and warm) and I don't mind because sometimes she gets so hot that it's like a nice ice-pack to a fever.

When we took a trip to a museum in Chicago they had a really neat set up of one of those infrared heat sensing camera deal-ee-O's. People were lined up to take turns standing in front of it to see themselves in heat picture. It was really neat but I was actually nervous about stepping up to the plate. Thank God it turned out to be a from-the-waist-up view - BUT - when we were second in line our bottom half was hitting it if we stepped from behind the other people. You know I had to check it out, so I peeped over for just a second when everyone was looking at the instructor lady and THERE it was. My glaringly shine-spot of a V-zone. It of course shone the brightest of colors available on the camera - bright white. Yeah, I stepped back quick.

Actually though, sometimes it's not just my V-zone, my palms and the soles of my feet go nuts every once in a while and it feels like they're on fire. They get so hot that I end up roaming around looking for cool surfaces to place them on to cool them down. It doesn't really help but it feels good temporarily. Lord, if I put my palm to a desk-top or table surface it will draw condensation and moisture from the air all around it in just a few seconds. (and believe me it's not like just putting a warm hand to a cold window) And my feet? When they're like that if I take off my shoes (I usually have to) they'll put imprints of feet on the floor on concrete and on other surfaces do the crazy moisture thing like my hands.

I imagine if I put my V-zone on the table it might cause a rainstorm. Perhaps the Indians should consider doing a rain-dance to my Vagina and hands and feet.

**********BTW I'm on Vacation until the 28th so unless I finagle my way into the college with my old I.D. or go to the library I think I'm gone (but I'm gonna try at the college ;)***************

Spotlight On The Crotch

Going back to the gym these last few weeks has re-introduced me to the specialty machine I like to call the "Crotchinator." I hate the word crotch btw, but it just keeps popping into my head when I see this damn machine.

The first time I saw it I remember thinking "What the hell kind of torture device is THAT???" Torture indeed. The machine at my gym I mise might be a tad outdated but it's basically like the one to your left. The difference is that instead of any bend in the knees, this machine has the legs splayed flat out.

The concept is kinda great, it really honestly works either your inner or outer thighs, depending on how you use it. And ladies? Oh my God? When I say INNER thighs I MEAN it. In fact it's not even inner thighs it's inner legs going allllll the way up into your damn lady flower. I swear to god if not careful one may be able to pull a muscle in the va-gi-na. OWWwwwww. Ow. ow. It goes strait up into that bitch.

One more thing about the machine at my gym?? You see the lady to your right? Yes with her legs splayed WIIIDDEE open for everyone to view?? Yes, well at my gym not only would her legs be splayed out flat instead of bent at the knee, but the would ALSO be facing THE WALL OF MIRRORS. They've got this particular machine parked up so close against the giant mirror wall that if not for pants I might be able to see my damn uterus. Jesus, give me a shoe horn and I could do my own lady-doctor test right there and never mind the damn co-pay.

God forbid I ever sweat in those nether regions because if I did, and got on that machine, and displayed myself in all of it's horrid glory for the ENTIRE GYM to view, I might just pass out. Maybe if I passed out they would think I died and let loose of my bowels and that's why my crotch would be wet and they wouldn't think I peed myself or something. I know we go to the gym TO sweat but I don't want lady flower sweat and I REALLY don't feel the need to show it off if it ever happens.

So anyways, when it's a Crotchinator workout day it's the first machine I go to - just. in. case. I say hello to the perky gym lady, get on the machine and start playing Peek-A-Boo with my vagina. "Hello crotch" "Goooodddbye crotch." "Heeelloooww Lady Flower" "Goooodbyyyyeee Lady flower." "Thank God I don't have a frontal wedgie" "Gooodbyyyeee vagina" "Thank god I don't have a camel toe" "aannnnddddd Owwwww ow ow ow" "ow Ow OW OWWW" OWWW OW Ow ow." Annnnnndddd Fuck it.

Runnin Low Folks - Help Your Hor

*********Update - Awwww you all REALLY came through!! I'm surprised at how much you came up with! - Not in an insulting way but a happy way ya know?? So THANK YOU all very much!!*********


No not money, I'm not the kind of person to ask for that, not there is anything WRONG with asking for it but I've got too much pride, well, not that someone is asking can't have pride, so maybe I'm vain, or something, ya know I could continue this sentence and dig myself into a big ole mess and have everyone hate me because I tend to babble my way into things like that or I could just backspace. But I'm too lazy so just never mind the whole thing.

Anyways I'm busy with a lot of stuff - yes, I know, aren't we ALL, but I'm busy to the point where my little mind isn't functioning to the point of creativity. Well, I think it COULD be creative, but I'm out of ideas, and the more I try to come up with stuff the farther away my brain freaks and tells me to run away and that it is vital to my existence that I go "LALALALALALALALALA" with my ears covered and then go shopping online and forget that I have a blog.

But I like my blog. And I sort of don't need to be shopping online.

SO!! I come to you, pride and dignity cast aside, and ask for your help. I fucking HATE the term "Brainstorm" FUCK FUCKITY I hate that word, so I won't ask you to do it, but if there's anything you'd like a sort-of-sometimes-funny-hor to babble on about I'd love to hear your ideas. Anything Sexual you'd like some info on? Anything you've been wondering about or have a curiosity about?? (awwww fuck, I just came up with something, FUCK YOU "brainstorm." but it's just something small, so never mind, continue) Maybe just throw out some sexually related words and it'll spark my mind, or a situation, or SHHHIIIITTTT I can't even come up with the right words to ASK you to ask me for.

I'm not drunk I swear.

Is this the most pitiful thing you've ever witnessed? A blogger admitting writers block and asking for ideas? I mean really.

Help

I'm OK

Okay so everybody's already done this so I'm basically steeling from, everyone, but the last person I saw do it was DRIVING DAMN IT I've been wanting to do this since before I even HAD an MP3, ya know cuz I'm a dork. SO, here it is, MY MP3 Player Fortune Telling Experience: (YAAAYYY!!!!)

(Put your MP3 player on shuffle.2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.3. You must write the name of the song no matter what. No cheating!)

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY?” YOU SAY?
"Like a stone" – Audioslave - yes cuz I’m always coming up with the newest coolest sayings, how perceptive of you MP3, good start.

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
“The voice within” Chistina Aguilera - I think it's saying I hear voices, that's not nice.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
“Open Your Eye’s” - Alterbridge – I do like an open mind


WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
"Any Man Of Mine" – Shania Twain - Why YES, to train my man to be just like this song is on that list. Very goooood MP3, my pet.

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"Love’s Embrace" – Christina Aguilera - I am very loving, yes yes (and not at all full of myself)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
“Voodoo” - Godsmack – ahahahhaha Jaybird and I have been known to dabble in our day. Gufaww

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
“Crazy” Patsy Cline - why yes, I do try and figure out if I’m nuts sometimes. (p.s. Thanks Again for stealing that for me KRISSIE :)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"Deny" – Default ??? Don't be an asshole MP3, get with the program.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LOVE?
“Unwritten” - Natasha Bettingfield - He sure is, but we’re starting to write together. (and commence GAG, i know, i know)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
“Don’t” - Jewel - Nah, just the opposite ;)


WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"Labios compartido" (Lips Shared) - Juanes - MMmmmmm Yes, I do like to share my lips. Mmmm ALLL of them ;)


WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LOVE?
"Three Marlenas" – The Walflowers - He really would take care of me just like in the song. (gag again, sorry)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
“Way Back” – The Wreckers - Are you saying I’m OLD MP3?? I’ll kick your ass.

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Making Memories of Us" – Keith Urban - EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! That one IS ON MY LIST!! (and NO I DON'T care if everyone plays it, well, all the hillbillies at least)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
“How Bizarre” - OMC - ahahahahahahahahahahahah

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"Morning Song" – Jewel - It IS a song about being in bed ;)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
“Probably wouldn't be this way” - What you tryin to say MP3? Youz gotta problem?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
“Hard To Love You” – The wreckers - Quit it MP3, you’re gonna get my ass in trouble.

WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
"I’m Ok" - Christina Aguilerra – Oh NICE, that’s not gonna freak people out at ALL. And why does my MP3 Play Mrs Sexy Aguilera like ALL the time? Not just today but like all the time. Must be a man.

Walmart Check Out People Should Keep Their Damn Mouths Shut

Dear Old Lady check-out-person at Wal-mart the other night,

No, I still don't want a Wal-mart credit card (wtf? for real?) stop asking me.

I really did appreciate it when you pointed out to me that I had the same style of work-out pants in two different sizes. Like for real I AM a dummy like that and it would have sucked ass to come back and return one of them.

But here's the thing badalax, when I told you that I wanted the LARGER sized blue pants I didn't need for you to raise your brows and assume that I must have meant the smaller yellow pants. You made me tell you TWICE in front of other people that why YES I do have a ghetto butt and need the bigger pair. Thanx for that.

As if that weren't enough I REALLY REALLY didn't need you to stop what you were doing, look me over and ask OUT LOUD for all to hear - "YOU wear a LARGE??" "Are you SURE??" "Did you even try on the Medium to see if they would fit you better?" "I think the medium would fit you better." Yeah, you were calling me smaller and that's cool but you made me announce that NO, No lady, I need the fatty size, Thank You.

I wanted to explain to you that I had got the track pants from the teenie-bopper section of the store and their sizes are a tad different than regular womens sizes and that I was damn happy I could wear them at ALL, but I had already been put on display enough for the amusement of the elderly woman behind me and the lady with 6 dirty children in one cart behind her. Oh and not to mention the hot bagger guy. THANX A FUCKING LOT LADY.

I was on my way to the gym and decided that to boost my confidence I needed a new outfit, what I didn't need was a crack head old bag embarrassing the shit out of me and making me publicly proclaim that my lovely ass is indeed a large. Really, that helped out a WHOLE LOT when I got to the crowded gym and had to get on the FIRST row of treadmills so that the row in back could all get a good view of my non-medium-teenie-bopper-wearing-ASS.

Sincerely, Your Assilicious Customer,
HOR

P.S. Today is the One year anniversary of my Blog. Holy cow I didn't even realize. It all started with JV from http://15minutelunch.blogspot.com/. I was bored and some random google search led me to his site. I learned all about what a blog was and spent 2 full weeks at work reading his ENTIRE site. I wanted to comment so I signed up and Google gave me my own blog along with the commenting privileges. I stared at the blank page for weeks before I typed a single word. Gufawww I didn't want to screw it up - oh ahahahahahahah.

I had no. freaking. idea. that I would turn into a blog-freak but here I am and here you are reading it. I don't care if it's geeky or nerdy or needy but my life has been greatly enriched by this and so many other blogs - well, really, the BLOGGERS.

Exercise Depression and Sex Drive

For real, exercise does make my brain happy and I'm betting for some other women or men out there that it could help them lift their mood and randy-up as well. Let the Hor share with you for a moment. This is real stuff but it is related to sex in a way and damn it if I can help even one person in the whole world or at least try, then this will be worth it. Okay.

I have one of those nice little chemical imbalances in my brain that if goes untreated dumps my ass right off into the land of depression. For years I was in a steady fog of slump and dump on the inside - but tried my best to appear upbeat and peppy for my friends and family. But I was an unhappy hor and the result left me in a place where I didn't want *gasp* SEX. During those years I was living with a supreme bad-guy and I thought my mood was sort of due to my situation with him. Eventually though, I succumbed to the Zoloft commercials and went to my doctor who quickly threw a bottle of pills at my ass.

Zoloft left me with a TEENSY side effect - I COULD NOT ORGASM. OMG right? Not that I was on the sex-train class A as it was but that stuff shut me OFF even when I DID want to work it on out. For real it kind of left my vajayjay. . . not numb, or totally off. . . but I guess with just a limited range of feeling that in NO way could lead to orgasm. So for 6 weeks until I threw my ass at the mercy of the doctor I went without ANY orgasms. Oh my GAWD it was frustrating!!

So back to the doctor I went and she chucked TWO bottles of pills at me, told me to mix them, and asked me to report back if I could O. I still couldn't O. LAAAAMMMEEEE. But I DID feel better in my head and it was sort of a hard decision to go off of them again so that I could have sex with my partner. Luckily though, at the same time as the last set of pills were ending up I had gained enough confidence and heart (truthfully from the help of the pills) to start exercise. I was 100 lbs overweight at the time and the start was painful and hard to keep going but I was determined like never before. I was doing some really fun exercise and my girlfriend was doing it with me and the last of the happy pills got me through the start of the dreaded first 2 weeks of exercise.

After I was DONE with THOSE pills my doctor wrote me a prescription for some others but I never got around to filling them, I was just so frustrated ya know? What I didn't realize at the time though was that the exercise that I continued to do even after the pills was keeping my serotonin (that lovely chemical my asshole brain fails to make enough of) AFLOAT!! At the time I was so happy to be losing weight (20 lbs dropped of quick!) and feeling better about myself in general that I didn't even realize that even without the pills I was back to being HAPPY and OK and alright with the world. Why yes I AM rather dense.

The more I exercised the more I lost weight and GAINED confidence and a better view of the situation (the monster) I was living with. I eventually left him and swore to myself that I would never put myself in a place like that again. I would no longer be taking shit ANY KIND OF SHIT from any man.

I moved out, got my own place and started jogging and then running. I of course kept losing weight and I honestly attributed my elevated mood to that and the fact that I was no longer living with the guy - that would lift anyones mood ya know?

But then I got super busy with work and family and my exercise routine was thrown to the side. It didn't take but maybe a week and a half and I was already falling down-in-the-dumps again. I lost my sex drive again and I was right back into depression land, but this time I had no REASON for it. It sucked!! Thank God above though, I remembered reading over and over in magazines and books that exercise is supposedly able to lift the drag of light depression. I had one of those light bulb moments in life and thought back to all of my off and on times with exercise and the correlating moods and holy-shit-sherlock there was a pattern.

SO. From then on I never went back to the pills and totally relied on exercise. AND. IT. WORKS. For me - I'm not saying that this can work for everyone or that I'm against pills - I'm just telling you that for SOME people it does work. Since then I've had my ups and downs, every time I lose track of exercise I'll be down in the dumps in about a week and thinking to myself "Why do I feel so LAME? Why do I not want to have SEX???? What the shit???" And then my brain kicks me in the ASS and reminds me that DUH asshole you've been LAZY. And then I kick myself for going too long without some exercise even though I KNOW what will happen to me. And then I start working out again and all is right with the world. (and I get Horny again!! YAY)

It takes every other day of exercise or all week and the weekends off or some sort of combination of that, just not going more than 4 days off for me to keep my mood elevated (and my pants off ;) .) I'm still losing weight so it's important to keep going and I hardly even think about the mood aspect of my jogging. But it's there and it's HUGE and it's changed my life. I hope that when I reach my goal weight I won't go lazy and want to slack off because I'm hot. The doctor told me that the pills I took would be a lifetime deal and the exercise is as well.


Whenever I slack off on exercise I lose my Sex drive - it's usually the first KICK to my duuhhhhh brian that reminds me to get back to running. And whenever I get back on the wagon I bring my Lady Flower with me. I owe my Vagina's happy orgasmic life to exercise, for without it she would be dormant. And THEN where the hell would I be? What would I do without the urge to use my beloved toys and my MAN and where would I be if I couldn't come here and obsess over all things SEX?? Thank You exercise - your a real bitch sometimes, but thank you.

Past Lover Fantasies

Sometimes I think about a couple of really REALLY like the oh-my-gawwwwd-really awesome sex sessions that I've had in the past, you know, like, when I'm getting it on with my man, or alone. But those sex encounters weren't with him. I love my man like bonkers and he does a great job in the sex department, but. . . But there were a couple of times in the past, actually a couple of penises in the past, that were just - amazing. I didn't have LOVE with those penises so it wasn't the same and my mans penis can be great but . . .

Aw shit I'll just come out with it. One of the penises was LARGE and it was just really awesome. The other super-penis was quite small but it had this really great angle to it so that during chair sex or girl-on-top, my god it would hit my special spots like nothing I could have imagined, it was so freaking INTENSE.

This fantasizing has been happening more frequently over the past couple of months or so and it's started to kind of bother me. We've been having sex for almost a year and a half and all of a sudden this stuff just POPS up. I understand that after time has gone by in a committed relationship that things can get stale or same-ole-same-ole, but I worry that it shouldn't have happened so soon. Most of the time I'm fine and dandy but sometimes I really am BORED with it and the use of making up fantasies or re-thinking past encounters has really come in handy.

But it's only been a year and a half! What happens when I get bored with thoughts of my past encounters and what if I run out of fantasies??? (is the last one possible though? not sure) What if this stuff only works for another six months and then I get bored with THAT? What the hell will I do for the next 30 YEARS?

I want my most amazing sex encounter to be with MY MAN, the man that I love and will be with forever. Maybe we should go on a position tour and try every single one but with slight differences until I find one that hits the spot like that angled-penis of my past. That could be good right? And it would certainly burn some time I guess.


LOL I hope the magical position isn't something like reverse-cowgirl in the bathtub on tuesdays with with one leg behind my head and a hand on his face. Or you know, something inconvenient like that. That'd suck

Circumcision and the Two Pump Chump

I wonder if there is a connection. I pondered the whole cut or not to cut part of my future child's dong off (circumcision) a few months ago and came to the conclusion that if I ever get knocked up and have a boy that I'll leave his shit alone. I read too many horror stories about doctors cutting too much and causing painful erections for guys later on in life because the didn't have ENOUGH skin to stretch out. That and I read that's it's just not DIRTY like people say it is.

Plus being the lover of all things sexual how could I even consider cutting off something pleasurable from my own offspring? Poor little dudes, I could never cut off an extra inch of skin from their pleasure pole. (Ewww gross I don't want to think about a kid I don't even have, having sex, this is going too far)

So anyways I was set to Let. It. Be.
But then.
I read one more thing about how guys WITH their foreskin intact are more "sensitive" down there than guys who got chopped. Something about how it was MEANT to be covered up and the guys that got whacked have to go through life slightly de-sensitized because their shit is always hanging out and rubbing all over stuff.

ACK!!! God I couldn't imagine my clit going through even a DAY, an HOUR with out her hoodie. Just ow.

So yeah, at that point I was even MORE convinced on my view.
But then.
I remembered the 2 Pump Chump.
My only experience with a non-cut man.
Oh.
O.k.

He was VERY sensitive down there.
SOOOOOOO very sensitive that he would blow after about 6 seconds the first round and MAYBE he'd be able to hold out for 40 seconds on the second go-round. And the third? Well let's just say he never really got passed the 60 second mark no matter how many times he could go. Actually he could keep up the pace on a good day for a good 5 orgasms on his part, but instead of being like other guys where after a time or two they can just keep going but not come any more, HE would just go limp. He was ALL or nothing. And I was ALL sorts of pissed.

So now it makes me wonder, are a lot of un-cut guys REALLY sensitive down there? (why am I using "down there" like I'm five today?) DICK-SCHLONG-COCK. There I feel better.))

Would I be sentencing my future unborn yet-to-be-conceived child that may or may not be a boy to a life of pre-ejaculation? I could not have a pre-ejak for a son. I would scar him for life telling him to "think about baseball" and buying de-sensitizing creams for him and his wife on their wedding day. I'd feel terrible for him and offer to pay to have him circumcised.

AHHH but maybe it's not EVERY un-cut guy. That would be silly right? Wouldn't I have HEARD about this??? SHIIIIIITTT and now I can't do any proper research because I've got this whole only-a-hor-to-one-guy-THING going on for me. Having only ONE experience to go on is not enough to make a LIFE-ALTERING decision for my child that doesn't exist yet (I like to think ahead and be prepared ok?) so I need you guys. (Gals)

TELLLLL MEEEEEE !! Have you been with an un-cut who was a 2 pumper? An un-cut that was super-duper? Have you noticed a trend with either type of man? Do tell bloggers, the future of a yet-to-be-conceived-penis is depending on it.

Thank You.