So, my vacation. I planned on doing all sorts of enlightening things like teaching my ass some new songs on the gui-tar, dusting off my violin, reading smart people books, going to the library, starting yoga so that one day I'll be able to lick my own clit cuz I saw this chick at the circus last year who could TOTALLY do that if she was so inclined but at the time she was playing around in a rope in the air but I'll bet she was THINKING about what she was gonna do after the show cuz DAMN, ummmm, cooking, cleaning, yada yada.All I ended up doing was going to the gym for a couple hours a day and then coming home and plopping my ghetto ass on the couch and immersing myself in "The Golden Girls" and "Will and Grace" and lots and lots of "What Not To Wear." My favorite shows all on dish daytime t.v. Sorry brain cells, no chance to groweth had yee.
I DID however manage to have a good ole-fashioned floppin clutz from hell moment in the shower - picture it, The Ghetto, 2008, I was in the shower, nekkid....
Aaaaandd went to lift up my leg in some sort of contortion so that I could shave my ass and not cut my bung-hole with ye ole quatro razor when I found some major slippage and not much ability to stay up-right.
I flapped my hands hoping to fly and managed to somehow stand up with my back to the rubber ducky shower curtain and LONDON BRIDE here we come. It happened so slow, actually the shower curtain managed to hold me in place for a half second because I was stepping on it (the duckys TRIED) but ye ole trailer shower curtain rod made out of pop-can metal just couldn't take it. The rod folded in on itself, ripped out of the wall and down I went, hands flailing, throwing the razor to god knows where, banging off of the toilet and scratching the hell out off my wrist on the laundry hamper.
It was kind of cool though, I missed the toilet with my head which I thought was nice and actually landed flat on my back (a position I'm used to) on the shower curtain on the floor. I laid there for a minute or so trying to figure out what happened and reveling in how cool my landing was and started to wonder if I could fix that shower curtain rod before C. got home.
So anyways, I got myself up, bent the bar back (SUPER STRENGTH thank you) got me a screw driver and put the bitch back up. You'd never be able to tell anything happened except for that it looks like I tried to kill myself by slitting my wrist with a wicker basket. That's a real nice look for the gym, but whatever.
Hell, C. and nobody else would have ever known but I sort of can't keep embarrassing things to myself and ended up dragging him in the bathroom .5 seconds after he got home from work to do a re-in-act-ment. (minus the ass shaving)
So, all in all it was a good vacation. I survived. That's all I really ask for.
20 comments:
Ouch! Poor Hor.. I'm glad you didn't crack your head on the toilet, cuz that's how my Hubby's step-grandad died.. drunk ass went to the bathroom, slipped and cracked his skull on the toilet. But anyway, that's a whole 'nother story..
You had me laughing and I missed you and am glad you're back, and making a pregnant woman laugh equals peeing in my underwear, so excuse me while I go change! xoxo
Jenny - ahahahahahaa ohhhh shit, I'll have to write that in my yet-to-be-conceived-baby-book "Buy more underwear"
You're the best :)
Hahahaha, I could see that happen before my eyes! Thank God you're okay though! You could have broken something vital!
How are the ducks?!
What the?? Sorry if you get this twice, blogger just did something weird.
Anyways....so glad you are alright. I had some kid related injuries this week. One poked me in the eye and cut it, the same one head butted me and gave me a bloody nose, the coffee table gave me a concussion while searching under the couch for their Wii remote, and I slipped on ice and fell off the porch while getting the kids off to school. Yeah...I am still alive though.
Hey, I have an awesome story to tell you, I know you will laugh. It is kind of long though, want me to leave it here anyways. If not you can email me.
Oh man, sweetie, will you ever learn to wax? Seriously. This did however really make me laugh and I'm very glad you're back!
ok this was pretty funny, and your really good at telling a story i about called you to ask if you were ok. speaking of waxing. i don't know about you but i don't think i could let someone wax my lady parts and definitely not around my ahole. but can you imagine if someone decided to wax their own ass and they got the cheeks and/or cheeks & hand stuck? eeehh! ugh not a good picture!
LOL Hor..
What day did this happen? Maybe there was a full moon or something.
I was crossing the road on my way to work last Friday and a car was speeding towards me so a started to run a little. Well next thing I know I'm leaning forward arms out nearly at the curb when I went down. This little old lady asked me if I was alright and she had to help me up. I was so embarassed..
Well at least I was clothed, and I don't remember any ducks. hehehe
Did C laugh when you told him what happened??
My life is so tame in comparison....
*SIGH*
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! Sounds like you got ducks up the ass!!! Get it? Ducks up the ass??!
I quack myself up!!!
"bent the bar back (SUPER STRENGTH thank you)"
So did you use your lady flower? I understand it's really tough.
Belle - Yes indeed, like my lady flower or my ass - vital!! ;)
Krissie - What. Ever. :p
Nicole - Okay so you kicked my ass in the clutz dept. I KNEW I liked you. OOooo!! And go ahead, write as much as you like here, I'd love to have it :)
Tyler - Why thank you, it keeps me feeling extra girlie and ensures that my man won't have horrid thoughts of banging a construction worker during doggie.
Sparx - WAAAAXXX my ass????? AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! God no. Just no woman. Jesus. It's so damn painful on my legs I can't even THING about... oh, just no. *shudder* And PUULEEEEAASSSEEE could you imagine what kind of trouble I'd get myself into trying to contort to get the strip on and then pulled off in the right direction? I'd throw out my back like an old person. Saftey-Razor, s'all ya need. :)
Jaybird - God you really could get those cheeks stuck together - Uhhhhggggg frightening. It would be such a mess and NO WAY am I letting some strange chick see my bung hole. God that would be frickin weird. I know I'd get all nervous and start blabbing like I do and be like "I just took a shower" "So ya know, I don't think there will be any dingles back there. . . but ya never know, . . . so, well sorry just in case....Hey by the way could you do a mole check for skin cancer while you're in there?....." It would be bad.
Patti - LOL sucks to have a little old lady help you right? hahaha, but glad you're ok :) And C? He's pretty much immune to my antics by now and just shakes his head and tries to block it out.
Sassy - Liar :) ;)
Dyck - I've got a duck in my ass right now. Wait, no, that was the beans I ate last night.
Effort - No, she's been traumatized by too many medical metal instruments. She only lifts laytex. :p :)
Ok, here goes with the story....
The Saturday before last (the 19th), my husband and I went out to dinner for our anniversary. My stepdaughter babysat the younger kids for us. When we picked the kids up and as when I was putting my 2 yr old in his car seat, this is when he poked me in the eye. It hurt like a mo-fo and I rode the whole way home with my eyes closed cause I couldn't take blinking.
We live about 30 miles outside of the city and about halfway home my husband said, "OMG did you see that?" I said, "See what? I had my eyes closed." He said, "There was some guy F'ing a blow up doll along side of the road." I said, "Nuh- Uh, you are lying." He said, "I swear, he was down on his knees with his shirt off, doing the doll." So I said, "I don't believe you, turn around so I can see." He wouldn't, so I just thought he was being dumb and I soon forgot about it.
So last Saturday (the 26th), we went out for my stepdaughter's birthday. We were coming home at about the same time, passing the same spot, and the guy was there again. I saw him this time. I saw the doll. But this time, the cops were there, they had him up against the police car, and the doll was propped up against the guard rail.
Have you ever heard anything like that in your life?
I don't know exactly why I thought that you would think this was funny. I thought it was both funny and scary at the same time.
Oh well, tell me to get a life..
NICOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ohmygod OH MY GOSH how could you not think I wouldn't LOVE this story??!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy shit that's frickin HILARIOUS! (ok and yeah a little scary)
Ohmygosh ohmygosh. Have you used this as a blog post??? This is prime material!! LOL!! :)
I have missed you so much! What a great story. Nicole's was pretty wild, too.
Duck, duck, oops!
Long story, but no, this story will not make it to my blog. My friggin mom and grandma read it. If I start laughing on my blog about blow up doll sex, then I'll get that uncomfortable phone call wanting to know when I am going to start going to church again.
if she's that flexible, i bet she doesn't have to lick herself.
IMA - Glad to see you too! :) And Thank You :)
Nicole - GOTCHA 100% :) But hey, thank you for sharing with me! :)
Jeremy - I didn't think of it that way - very true.
OMG! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm so glad you're okay, and that you shared your "moment" with us!
Post a Comment