Posting from the KING

Ok so I'm posting from the Burger King PARKING LOT because I'm too ashamed to take my expensive laptop (ok so, like, expensive to a poor person and it was on sale ok, just let me be impressed with myself and carry on like nothing happened) into the actual Burger King Establishment. Of course further review of this, looking at myself sitting in the PARKING LOT of a Burger King is I guess a tad worse. Weirdo extraordinaire folks, and I don't even mean to be.

God I keep thinking that giant frightening Burger King KING dude is gonna come out in costume and run me off waving his hands but not talking. I'd piss my pants, that dude is scary. Of course I AM the one typing in my car in a parking lot so maybe he's speak up and inform me that I'M the freak and to get my strange but sexy ass out of here.

I wonder if he'd offer me some apple fries first?

Ah well, anyways.


I just literally ran away from the Ghetto Laundry to come here. My god I thought on a Saturday night I'd be the only one freakish enough to be "going out" to do laundry. But APPARENTLY Saturday night is National Do-laundry-if-you're-a-horny-mexican-MALE-night. SHIT FIRE!! I walked into that place and it was like something you'd see in a prison movie. You know, where the new guy walks down the isle and all the dirty inmates stare and make lewd comments about the fresh meat? DAMN IT.

My eyes hit the floor like a hor in a catholic thunderstorm and I worked my way through the masses trying my best to pretend I wasn't on display like a freaking meat market. Kinda creepy to walk by and have 30 heads turn in succession and follow you at once. Gah.

It was all going fine until some dude came up behind me and started saying "Blanca! Blanca!" (white girl, white girl) to get my attention. I mean for real?

Seriously dude?

Like....... honestly?

Ass.

How would YOU like it if I came up behind you and started saying -in a perhaps foreign language- to you "Mexican Man! Mexican Man!" What the fuck? Would you be like "Oh! Shit! SNAP, dis girl done identified me as a Mexican Male! Oh my god I'm going to fall in love or drop my pants right here and offer sex!" Idiot.

At that point I remembered that I'm not some little church mouse - I live in the GHETTO BITCHES - and my head started to swivel a bit and I thougt to myslef - "Oh. No. He. Di'nt. No this mutha-fucka is NOT comin up behind me talkin some bullshit that I MAY or MAY NOT understand. (he doesn't know I speak spanish) What the fuck is he thinking? Oooooo lawwdy if this man gets any closer to me I swear. . ......... . . . . . (reverting back to severe cracker mode) . . . I swear I'll uhhhhhhhh. . . shit. OH!!'

'BITCH! I'll two-way my husband MI ESPOSO and have HIM tell this little ass wipe off! Yes!" HA! C. loves to be a little shit fire ant if need be, he'll save the day for me and I won't have to actually practice my Ghetto moves. Not that I have any Ghetto moves really, but I've got some good ole Ghetto Self Righteousness by gawd.

Anyways. He gave up, probably figuring I didn't understand him because I didn't turn around and went back to merely staring.

That's right beotch, you felt my super cracker ghetto skillz, you knew down deep not to mess with this pale hor. And her cell phone by god.


K, it's been enough time for my clothes to dry, wish me luck as I go back into the fire. I've got my pocket knife, my Neo-T0-Go and my Tide Pen, I think I'll be all right.


XOXOXO's
-hor