"Well who the
fuck knew? No shitting WAY!!" That's what I thought to myself standing in my bathroom last night.
Let me explain.
I'm a clumsy some-beotch, always have been, scrapes and cuts a part of my everyday life you know? What I remember most clearly though, not the cuts and scrapes, but the damage done to me by bandaids. For years and years I just figured that the red painful pissed off skin that was left behind from bandaids after my cuts were healed was from pulling them off. It always hurt SO MUCH to pull them off, but it hurt everyone right? Nobody likes having their hair pulled out. It wasn't until I was 16 or so and realized that the adhesive parts of the bandaid were leaving rashes and welts on my skin WEEKS after the skin was healed.
I'm a tad slow, it takes me a while to figure things out ok? But who ever heard of being allergic to freaking BANDAIDS!?! REALLY?? Ok so lots of people but not my back water-ass. I stopped using the bitches and found other ways (scotch tape and gauze) of dealing.
When I was 22 and wanted to try the birth control patch I never even THOUGHT about the whole allergy thing. Oh man, I went 3 weeks on that shit and had 3 giant square scars on my arms for about 6 months after I realized that the fucked-up-skin left behind after tearing them off miiiggghhhhhtt not be right. (Please insert "Retard At Play" sign here, drive carefully please)Gawd ANYWAYS last night standing in the bathroom I read the box of my newly purchased Sensitive Skin Bandaids. They're strange kinda crappy bandaids so I was reading the box trying to figure out why they cost so much but actually work for me.
It said "For sensitive skin, LATEX FREE."
"Latex free? Huh? I thought it was adhesives that were fucking me up all these years. Wait, don't they make those creepy sounding Lamb Skin condoms for people with latex allergies?"
.......
. . . . . . . . .
A few more thinking dots later and I said out loud to my cats "Oh NO FUCKING WAY!!!" It all came together in my head like a big slushie rush. "NUH UHHHH!!" "SHIT !! "
You see, I always get sore if I have sex more than a few days in a row. And not even rough sex all the time, or marathons for that matter, just regular in-and-out-roll-over-luv-ya sex. I figured it was normal you know? Like, the lady flower can only take so much and then needs a break, no biggie. But I've heard about OTHER people having sex everyday without problems. I figured maybe my lady flower was just a pansy, I even tried "working through it" a few times to toughen her up but it always resulted in failure. But the last two times I went to Mexico? I didn't have to use condoms with C. and while my MUSCLES were sore, it wasn't the same kind of sore as usual. I thought it was really nice but didn't think TOO much into it. In the back of my head somewhere I thought maybe it was the texture of condoms or something that had been messing with me, but brushed it off.
And then I read the box of bandaids last night.
Latex. Not adhesives, LAAATTEXX!! No. Fucking. Way.
I mean REALLY?? I'm 26 freaking years old and I JUST FIGURE THIS OUT!!???!! FUCK! No fucking WAAAYYYY!! Can you BELIEVE this??
I just, I just . . . shit.
So can I have everyday sex now? And not be SORE?? How COOOOLL would that be? Holy Shit! And EEEEEEEEEWWWWW do I have to wear Lamb Skin condoms? Ew. Gross. I won't eat goat in mexico let alone Menudo, and I certainly don't want to get it on with a baby lambs SKIN or intestine or what ever the fuck that shit is made of. Eeew. GAWD I for real can't believe this whole thing though. It's just nuts. I'm really glad my brain caught up with my ass long enough to have a gigantic epiphany, but wow, just wow. Anyways, this isn't the most fun or amusing post in the world but I wanted to make sure if there is possibly anyone else on earth as dumb as me that maybe they'll google something someday and perhaps be helped by this post. IF there is anyone as retarded as me - it's obviously debatable.
Really though, no fucking way !!
11 comments:
Ya know, Hor, you had me in your corner right up until I read the sentence about a little lamb's SKIN and then looked at that pic of the lamb with that look on his face that screams: Wait, WHAT? You're putting my skin WHERE?
Well at least you finally figured out what was causing the rashes!
I hate the condoms cuz for me, they make me all smelly the next day, plus they take away all the skin to skin feel. I enjoy sex with my man so much better without the condoms, but what can I do? I refuse to take birth control while I am breast-feeding, cuz I don't care what they say, I don't need to hear 10-15 years from now that women who nursed while on the pill have caused brain damage to the babies they nursed. The husband doesn't have the insurance to get himself neutered and we don't have the cash to pay for that out-of-pocket, so we're stuck with the condoms.
But lambskin? I thought they stopped making those because they were porous and you could still get STDs with them.
Cruiser - No, I'm with YOU ! EEWWWW and yes, the poor lil lambs! It'd be like killing the snuggle bear or something. GAHHH
Jenny - They've still got something like them on the top shelf along with all the other weird shit. I imagine that they have a large warning label or something. Or maybe they just CALL them that, I'm not real sure.
d-hor, first of all i fucking cracked up. also, they make vinyl or something like that condoms for people with latex allergies (ex military dental assistant, i know all kindsa shit about shit i prolly shouldn't know!) and supposedly, as far as sensitivity goes, they are better. check em out, and save the lamb.
You amaze me all over again every single time, hun. :P
It's like your spelling. Only funnier.
Darth - Vinyl - LOL AHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHA - that would really make "Raincoat" come true! Bwaaaaahhhhh :) I needed a giggle, thank you! :)
Krissie - You always make me feel special you know that? Even if you're making fun of me you still make me feel funny or cool or nice or something. I wish internets hugs weren't so gay or I'd totally {{HUG}} you. Oh wait, we've got our XOXOXOXOX's. Cool. And the O's? I'll take them too :P
Hey, don't you be denying me my gayness, a'ight? The gayer the better! So hug all you want, I'mma be hugging you right back, speshul gal!
Okay, I'll make it even more EEEWWWW for everyone. As I recall, the "lambskin" condoms aren't actually made with the skin of the lamb, they're made with the linings of the lamb's intestines. But how many would they sell if they called them "Lamb Intestines?" They're not effective against STD's, but if you're not worried about those, they're actually superior to latex, etc., because they're much thinner so the sensation for the man is more intense, less muted.
Krissie - I thought the O's were kisses. ? I always get them mixed up. But anyways if you read it with the O's being kisses then you'll realize that I was subtle-ey saying that I'd like to make out with you. So there.
Upstate - Aaaaaaaaaannnndddddd *GAG* HOooooaalllkkkkk !
oh man... am I this thick? I might be. Bandaids give me rashes to... and then... er...
Sparx -- OMG, for real gal, try the lambskin, like.... for realz.
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