I try Nair (you know the hair removing chemical stuff that smells really bad?) every couple of years or so thinking that it's gonna get better. Really, I'm that lame that I believe they've perfected a NEW and IMPROVED formula! This years attempt was inspired by reading a forum about removing girl down-there-hair. Waxing is just out of the question for me. Have you TRIED it? OH GOLLLY GOLL CRAP it rips you apart and leaves the hair!! AHHHHHHH. Ok. Moving on.
Shaving the va-jay-jay - Oh hell I'm just not gonna do it to you guys. For once I'll leave something to the imagination and just say that it's not working out for me.
So anyways I read on this forum that a lot of chicks use Nair or Veet or other stuff and once again found myself at the store searching for a miracle cure. In the past Nair has always ended up burning me and LEAVING the hair. Nice. Really attractive. So this time I went for a recommended sensitive skin Veet.
Does anybody realize or KNOW from personal experience how hard it is to put a scary cream all over your girlie (or man) parts WITHOUT touching sensitive skin? SHIT!!!
Picture it, Sicily, 1943.....
Ok no, how about my dumb ass in the bathtub one leg up and contorted all to hell trying to get the best view of my lady flower - does anyone remember that I'm SUPER CLUTZ??? I ended up slipping on some shampoo residue, falling on my ass and squirting the tube of scary cream everywhere, all the while squishing and spreading said scary cream onto girly parts that were never meant to be touched by it.
At first it was just a cooling tingling sensation and I thought, "Oh ok, I'm going to be alrig..... AAHH ah ah burning! burns! burns! Shit! Crap! Ow! AYYEEEEEEEE HycheeWaWa! Turn the water back on!!!! Of course only the hot water came on at first - how soothing - AND I managed to forget that I had squirted the tube everywhere when I fell and started to play ice rink in yee ole tub.
Guys? Gals? Ever pull a groin muscle trying not to fall down on ice? Well you can do it in the tub too, just so ya know.
Luckily I bought this neat-O cream neutralizing cream wash that you can put on after using products like this so that any chemicals that soap and water misses will be put to rest.
My prized lady part came out just fine, if you don't count the fact that it looks like it has MANGE because only patches of hair came out. Sorry I was TRYING to not go there but I just. can't. help myself.
Lesson learned? Probably not, give me a couple of years.
25 comments:
I was laughing WITH you, not at you, okay?
Have you considered waxing?
I wrote the following poem a few years ago. Perhaps, it will help you get over your traumatic va-jay-jay burning, butt sliding, bathtub surfing incident.
Brazilian Wax
Bathing suit season had nearly arrived
Yet hair in that area, well, it had thrived.
I thought about shaving, or plucking, or Nair.
Something, oh anything, to get rid of the hair.
Brazilian Waxing, I’ve heard, is the best
For ridding yourself of the furry love nest.
Smooth as can be from your front to your back.
From extreme outer edges to right down your crack.
I went down to the Salon to get information
My face burned red in extreme mortification.
I asked about waxing all the hair at my crotch.
The girl behind me snickered. What a bee-yotch!
A few minutes later, I was flat on my back.
The technician was coming, I braced for attack.
My legs were spread wide, my toes towards the sky
I was so damned embarrassed, I thought I would die.
She powdered me down, dusting each delicate part.
She knew how to do this – to her it was art.
She spread on the wax and my whole body tensed.
Sweat dripped from my brow, my teeth firmly clenched.
The technician grabbed hold of the little cloth strip
With all her strength, she pulled and the cloth sounded, “Rip!”
I shrieked from the surprise, but yet not from the pain.
She kept on waxing and pulling – again and again.
By the time she was finished, I was a little bit sore.
She broke out the tweezers saying, “There’s just a few more.”
A warm and damp cloth wiped away excess wax
It was sixty-five dollars, including the tax.
When it was over, I felt smooth, sexy, and cool.
I knew when I showed him, the boyfriend would drool.
I thought it looked awesome and not at all hootchie.
I’m so very proud of my now hairless cootchie.
Oops. Re-read. You have tried waxing. Still...
I guess its a good thing you don't own a straight razor.
That could be fatal. Maybe just give the razor over to Chino.
2 words.... Magic Shave! http://www.ebonyline.com/14203.html
It's made to be used on a mans face but gentle enough to go bald on the chocha! It can touch the inside and not burn! If you have butt hair it will remove that too.
Hey - it serves Mr. Backdoor right if you are a little mangy "down there". Tell him the horror of his actions have caused you undue stress & hair loss. Hmph.
I wax, Lindy. It does work, you just gotta find the right waxer person. The Korean gals at my nail place are FANTABULOUS! Stop being such a weenie. Plus, it LASTS.
Now buck up and get that jungle under control! ;o)
I'm so proud of you for using a Golden Girls reference I could just hump you retarded.
I shave, and only when it gets so bad it pokes out of my pants.
But then again, who'm I tryin' to impress?
I usually trim my bush with a weed whacker. Works pretty well, although the whacker gets jammed a lot.
Whatever happened to the joy of 70's bush?
Well, I'm sure you've read about my waxing of private parts expšerience. Yes, it rips you apart and the hair stays. Lovely. Of course, maybe I should've gone to a professional...
However, Veet works like a charm for me. The only problem is that it grows right back, just like with shaving. Only costs a lot more. Then again, celibacy... See the silver lining to it?
So a woman walks into the vet's office, carrying a dog with some sort of skin condition. The vet says,
"He'll be fine, but you need to get rid of that hair. I reccommend using a depilatory cream",
and he scribbles down a prescription and hands it to her.
Moments later, the woman and dog are in the pharmacy. She hands the prescription to the clerk.
"OK, we can do that. Just one thing.. what exactly will it be used for?"
"Well, it's for my Schnauzer."
"OK, but don't ride a bike for a few days".
They need to reformulate it so that it works better. They could call it, I dunno, VagiNair or something.
Ima - Aren't you talented!! My goodness! Alright, out with it though, I've tried waxing my legs at home and it's so painfull I can't get past the second strip. You swear go JESUS ON HIGH that it wasn't that bad? OMG I don't know if I could let a stranger do that, I have to work myself up all year just to go to the down-there-doctor. Do tell. Either way, thanx for sharing your cool ass poem.
Sgt. - Eeek!! You mean for HIM to shave ME? *blush*
Summer - I don't know who you are but I'm checking out your site as soon as I'm done commenting, you said "butt hair" with no hesitation and I like that in a person. And I'm gonna check out that cream!
KP - Ahhhhahahahhaha I'll tell him the razor bumps are from me breaking out in hives over the stess as well. You crack me up.
Sassy just called me a weenie. Korean chicks? Do they talk in Korean while they do your lady flower? What if they're talking about it???
Travis - I wish the Golden Girls show could have gone on forever. It was so ahead of it's time don't you think? I watch the re-runs as much as possible and am hoping to see a season by season DVD at the dang Best Buy sometime soon. You bastards GET ON IT. "...only when it pokes out of my pants." Ahahah try wearing super girlie silky panties and having it poke through the material -O. M. G. not sexy.
Dyck - Sounds like a good reason to upgrade and buy a bigger machine. HORSEPOWER!
Yeah Him - Yes, I think we should bring back the trend and save everybody a lot of time. You go first.
Krissie - Yep I've read it - OW - :) and you're right that crap grew back like over night. Up to a week? what. ever.
Alan, hee hee, thanx for the joke :) And what about No on the VagiNair? You crack me up, ew. Women don't want to buy anything that sounds like Vagisil. Ackk it's almost to horrid to type. Yes I'm immature like that. How about "Flowers Power Remover?"
As a mother of three teenage girls it was awkward trimming my garden. I did not want to seem obscene to the girls.... My husband assured me that the girls would just think it was hipp!! (What does he know?)
But I cannot complain since he always keeps himself extremely well trimmed with this. http://www.shaveeverywhere.com/
You have to see that website, it is hollarious.
Sorry, I forgot to check my spelling (it's been a while since I lived in the States). hip and hilarious was what I meant...Dumb Swede!!
I find that when it comes to tough landscaping duties, nothing beats a team of mexican day laborers.
I'm so ordering a body groomer, if only for the fact its website is like a game of find the "symbols"
I agree with sgt. You should try it Lindy. In fact, I am beyond amazement that you haven't already. Maybe you're not a hor after all?
Lady Latte - Hi and Welcome!! OH silly don't worry about spelling, I'm TERRIBLE at it and honestly SURVIVE on spell check, don't worry here, we're some cool bitches.
Ryan, my fiance is Mexican and Sgt. mentioned giving him the razor, maybe you guys are on to something.
But DAMN it that takes out all the fun and mystery right? Crap.
Bel, I know, this WHOLE post is kind of showing off a bit of prude that lives within me. My hor street cred is really going down hill.
unless your carving crop circles in, I'm thinking the mystery isn't there.
PS
If you do happen to carve crop circles, maybe post that. That could be interesting. Blame aliens too.
Sgt- Wha??? No mystery? He doesn't KNOW how the hair magically disappears does he? He just looks down one day and says "Hey look at that!"
AHAAHAHA crop circles!
I just hope he won't get confused and think it's a target.
I'm already there - 70's Bush lives in my pants.
Oh, man you disappoint me... go wax, girlie, just suck it up. The first few times it hurts like a bitch because the hair is really strong but waxing weakens the roots so after a few goes it's easier. Try using a hot towel on your legs right before you wax, it opens up your pores and makes it easier to yank it out. Also eventually you'll have thinner, finer hair which is easier to yank. Go for it.
Good God, you used a Golden Girls reference?!?!?!? Bwaaaahhhhaaaa.
I think if you're groomin, your leetl' Agave should be waxin his cactus in sympathy.
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