Okay, so this is way out of the ball-park, but your friendly hor has been thinking about this a lot lately. I've never. Ever. Never-Ever wanted kids. For heavens sake I used to tell people that I prayed to be infertile. I even looked into getting "fixed." - but nobody would do it. (thank goodness)
And then I met C. And I TOLD C. I didn't want babies. Ever. He promptly ignored me and told me that we'd have two kids and be happy and blah blah blah. I told him he was insane.
Faaaaaaaaaassttt forward a year and a half. Guess who has these weird, strange feelings about babies/kids/teenagers? Yes, your hor. I guess it's because "I've met the right guy." But the thing is that kids STILL scare the shit out of me. I never had siblings around me growing up, I never babysat, I was the youngest of our extended family - I've never been around kids. I don't GET them and I feel that they can see right through me and KNOW that I don't understand them.
I've never changed a diaper.
I still freak out at the notion that I'll never be care-free and such and have to devote EVERYTHING to someone else. I'm pretty selfish I think, but I know if I HAD a baby I would buck up and do the right thing, but how shitty would that be, to do all the right things, but only because I knew that I had to?
I've asked C. WHY he wants kids SO BAAADDDDD, but his answers don't satisfy my question. (how shitty is that?) He's said because he just DOES. He doesn't want to be alone when he's old. ( I told him with the money he would save from not having kids we could afford to put us in NICE retirement homes and not shady pines! - no go.) He said he wants to have a child WITH ME. He wants to have a pissy little girl just like me and to look just like me. He wants to have a boy to gang up on me with him and drive me crazy singing me Mexican Corridos. He can't really explain WHY - he just DOES.
And here I am now. I've got this THING inside of me, this nagging feeling that maybe I want that too. That maybe it would be fun and maybe I want to have someone to love me unconditionally and to do the same back. AHHHHHHHHHHH and then I pop out of baby-haze and come crashing back to reality. Poop, puke, snot (hooooaallllkkk) never being alone, questions, responsibility, my GOD keeping it ALIVE! How do you DO that?? I've seen kids at church, it seems like they're on the brink of death at all times about to climb out the window or stick a fork in the socket or something - what if I'm too stoopid to be a good mom and keep it alive??
But then I look at C's face when he talks about it, I feel the love he has for me and the love he has for a family that isn't even created yet. And I roam back into crazy-baby-town. I seem to stay there more and more often these days.
But I don't know WHY. WHY? For real. Tell me, I need something, I need evidence, I need an explanation as to why I'm losing my mind. (and btw this has been going on before C. was taken away, I've just got more time to think about it now.)
So please? For me? Your hor? Tell me WHY you wanted kids. Tell me WHY you WANT them if you don't have them. Speak up you guys, I've got too much time to think and not enough input from others. Take a bit to think about it if you must, please do, but tell me, why?
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20 comments:
Wow. Just like you, I didn't want kids of my own.. never-ever! But I DID babysit a lot when I as growing up and that was why I didn't want any-- too much work to take care of a kid!! When I was 18, and I didn't do anything for a year after I graduated high school, I babysat 2 kids all day for these two working parents. An infant and a toddler. OMG! When they aren't your kids, they were SO SO SO much work!
Then I met Hubby, and we both agreed that we didn't want kids. Whew. That was easy. But then after a year or two, things changed and I wanted a baby-- HIS baby! Then after his sister had a baby and he held his nephew for the first time, he wanted a baby with me, too!
I never imagined that I would be the mom of (soon to be) 4 kids, but I wouldn't change a thing! I have my days where I am about ready for the nuthouse, but those are fe and far between and as they grow, they become more and more self-suffiencient and less needy. They will always need me in one way or another, but the diaper stage goes away, the constant "Pick-me-up" stage goes away, the baby vomit stage goes away, and then you are left with some beautiful, fun, entertaining little kids that amaze you and surprise you at the things they do/say. Not that babies aren't beautiful, too, I'm just sayin'.. they're more work than a 5 year old.
It's easier than you think, having kids, and yes there are some total dirtballs out there for parents who intentionally neglect thier kids and harm them, and I want to throttle them and throw their asses in jail and if they molest kids, I want to cut off their dicks and shove it in their mouths. Ahem!
It gets easier every day taking care of your kids, and some people are total naturals at it. Because you are so open-minded about things, I think you'd make a pretty good mom. No, really! I mean it!! I know I don't KNOW you, but you know how you get "vibes" with people?? I got good vibes with you.
I love my kids, all 3 of them and the baby inside me that is currently kicking my bladder and making me go and pee every 30 minutes, and I wouldn't change a thing! Well, ok, I'll change the diapers if I can't get Hubby to do it!
Oh oh, you also get immune to the baby puke, too! I remember the first time Oldest puked-- ewww!! I didn't want to touch it-- ugh! ohh ohh, yuck!!! Now?? I tell Youngest to spit out whatever she has in her mouth into my hand.. No biggie. Who IS this crazy woman I've turned into??
Because by raising a new person created from the love of two people like the two of you are you will make this world a bit more beautiful, a bit more better.
Both Jenny and Krissie said it well. I have always totally loved children and always had jobs working with them, but was adamant about never having one of my own - and I told my husband the exact same thing that you told C. I just didn't 'see' it in my future. But, low and behold, after a year of marriage the urges got stronger and stronger, and I just had this feeling that a child would be an incredible addition to our lives, and would bring us closer as a couple and make us a family.
I never thought we would be awaiting Baby #3 (though I often tell hubby that it is a good thing - one more kid to take care of us when we are old . . . or to at least help the other two pick a decent nursing home!) Each child has been an incredible addition to our family, and has brought amazing joy . . . despite the crying, the pooping, and the snot. They are certainly a challenge on the best of days, but Jenny is right - it isn't as hard as you think!
(For more convincing, go check out the little video I posted on my blog - I made that kid! How cool is that?!)
he probably just needs some help picking vegetables out in the field. wants to put 'em to work.
I swear, Hor-gal....it's the best thing you'll ever do. You'll find out you're going to have a little one and you and C will go through the whole weirdness and wonder of pregnancy. When you finally see that little face, and hold that little person, it'll be a little scary, but you'll be overwhelmed with love like you've never known. Your instincts for him/her will wake up.
It's the most wonderful, terrifying, rewarding, gross, amazing, incredulous, frustrating, hilarious, and completely blog-worthy experience of your life! It's what it's all about :o)
Why I wanted to be a mom is all tied up in my son's story....I'll go into that another time....but I desperately wanted to be his mom.
:o) BJ
Me and Sassy's first baby was a pleasant surprise. Our second baby was an unexpected event. Our third baby was an unplanned pregnancy. And our fourth baby was a godawful mistake. But we hate them all equally.
For Jen and I, we spent our twenties (well, most of mine... She had already used up many of hers. She is old. Like, way old.) drinking, cavorting, staying out late, pounding absinthe, fucking in a field in the middle of nowhere, doing all kinds of highly illegal and silly things to ourselves...
There comes a point where you reach the end of your end user agreement. You have maxed out the potential of your stuff, and you realize that you have way too much love for two people to share. The caring for and feeding of a child is a huge commitment, a monumental responsibility, and a reasonably thankless task.
My goal is to raise a person that carries our best traits, and hopefully avoids our worst mistakes. That may piss off a Baptist, cause it's all evolutiony, but fuck Baptists. Fuck 'em right in their ass with a really big penis.
We want to pass on what is ours, genetically, emotionally, and hopefully obtain immortality in that sense. A healthy organism procreates. We aren't super healthy, but we are healthy enough, considering.
Mostly... I think we just want one to mow the lawn for us. It's a pain in the ass.
Jenny!!?? YOU were a former "no baby" person? Holy cow I never would have expected that!! You're so INTO your kids and so full of love for them - for heavens sake you're HOME SCHOOLING!! And FOUR! Ok, ok, so people do change I guess. Were you caught off gaurd when you started to change your mind? Did you struggle with it at first like "what the hell am I THINKING??" Awwww and thank you for saying you get good vibes from me. Sassy would be so proud. Okay and my mom too, we try to be good people. So thank you, and thank you for telling me your story. (omg i still can't beleive you didn't want kids!!) :)
Krissie - I've typed 4 different replies to your comment and none of them are good enough. I guess I'll just say Thank You, from both of us, and, Thank You again, cuz, well, you know, I'm gonna start babbling incoherently in about two seconds. You're so sweet and kind. (to me, you have to admit that) :P
Driving - Hey you and Jenny are preggers at the same time! Why it took me a few months to make that connection I'll never know (slooowwww brain:) Easier than I think? Aw geez and it seems everywhere else they say it's unimaginably hard (like the first couple months) I've got some optimists here, I guess I need that. You keeping food down any better this week? I hope that puking leaves you alone soon! I can't wait to see your video! :)
Jeremy, I don't let him do feild work anymore, I got his ass into baking. Mama likes some cookies. Okay and I just didn't like his farmer tan :P
Blogget - That's really sweet what you said about your son :) And hahahahaha thank you for slipping in "gross" with all of the other beautiful adjectives. Keep it real for me. And write that story! Now I want to hear it! :)
Dyck - It'd be nice if you two WOULD procreate - that way Sassy could whoop your ass into something less . . . Dyck-like. (okay, kidding, everybody loves you, and if you DID make a baby I'll bet you'd have the funniest daddy blog around.) Now come back and give me a real answer, go anon if you have to. :P
Geoff - I've been a Baptist for 10 years and that doesn't piss me off at all. It sounds like the right thing to do. (i'm not much for ass play though, sorry)
And you know? I really REALLY like you answer. Oh my GOSH - thank you!! No but like for real, the part about maxing your user agreement and maxing out the potential of your stuff and having more love to give - I swear to my Baptist God - That makes just about the most sense I've ever heard. Like, there's only so much you can DO, yeah you could travel the world and do all sorts of stuff and love the hell out of your spouse, but there comes a point - I don't know, when your shit is . . . well I don't know the word but the understanding is in my brain. It's not that you're tired of life or your partner but maybe you have MORE to give, but it needs to be given to something you .. made? You know I should erase this whole thing, I'm just screwing it up but I totally GET what your saying and hell it might have just flipped a little switch in my brain. Good job Geoff, you've pushed me one step furhter into baby-dom. Maybe I think like a man, that would explain all the sex, maybe I've got too much testoterone in my head.
And yeah, I'm sure as hell not gonna mow the lawn, that's C's job, but if he wants to pass it on to the little one and come on in for a quickie that sounds good to me. :)
I don't know why I wanted kids. I was still pretty young then (24), and somehow I had always wanted to have children, from when I had my first period I think. Probably because I was very naive and thought of 'having children' as having sweet little babies that love their mum beyond anything else. And because that's how it's supposed to go: meet the right guy, have kids. I wanted it all: a great career and be a super mum.
Now I know better. Being a mum is a tough job. I had underestimated just how much time and energy goes into raising a child. I had underestimated just to what extent your own life gets put on hold because you are now responsible for another life. I had underestimated to what extent I could now no longer be goofy. A parent can never be income-less and thus never just goof around for a year trying to figure out what to do with her life next.
Being a mum is tough, and it often makes me feel insecure and like a failure. After four years, I still often feel like I'm PLAYING the part of a mother instead of BEING a mother. There's so much I'd like to explore still, and to my shame I must admit that I sometimes feel very restricted if not trapped by the fact that I have a child. I can't just pack my bags and go travel the world, or quit my job to persue profitless goals. I can hear the accusations while I write this: you could have thought about that beforehand!
The thing is, I did. But having never had a child before, my mind just couldn't encompass the sheer size of the impact a child has on your life. And my own mother was like earth mother incarnate. She (seemingly) never struggled with the tug of war between being a mum and nurturing her other talents/wants/dreams. So before I actually became a mother, I thought that being a mum would be as evident as the sun coming up in the morning.
One important reason why being a mum is so tough for me, is because I love my child so much. This may sound like a contradiction in terms, but it really is not. I have never loved anyone as much as I love my child. Before him, I thought I knew unconditional love. Now I know that there is no love in the whole wide world as unconditional as a mother's love for her child. For my son, I'd do anything. The best hugs and kisses in my life are those I get from my boy. I have never been as proud of anyone as I am of my boy. If I ever had to chose between anyone (including my hsuband) and my boy, then my boy it is.
Precisely because I love my boy so much, I struggle so hard with not being a perfect mum and wanting so many other things. I feel guilty for being like that, because my innocent boy deserves so much more. He deserves a mum like my own, whose happiness depended solely on making her two daughters happy.
What I'm trying to say is, if I didn't love my son so much, I would have called this whole domestic family thing quits a long time ago. I'd be doing all those things I can only do in my dreams now. But I don't, because I love him.
Yet, despite feeling so ambivalent about motherhood, having a child has given me one thing nothing else could. It gives me the chance to love without restriction and without holding back.
If I could go back in time and change things, would I? I don't know. I wouldn't want my son NOT to be in my life, but I would want him to come later, I guess. After having done all those other things that I naively thought weren't so important. But then again, he wouldn't be who he is, so...
So how should you know whether to have a child or not?
After my own experience I'd say: it's easy to give logical and rational reasons for not having a child. It's impossible to give rational reasons for wanting a child. It is, however, possible to tell you what you will miss out on if you don't have a child: unconditional love.
I don't know why I wanted kids. I was still pretty young then (24), and somehow I had always wanted to have children, from when I had my first period I think. Probably because I was very naive and thought of 'having children' as having sweet little babies that love their mum beyond anything else. And because that's how it's supposed to go: meet the right guy, have kids. I wanted it all: a great career and be a super mum.
Now I know better. Being a mum is a tough job. I had underestimated just how much time and energy goes into raising a child. I had underestimated just to what extent your own life gets put on hold because you are now responsible for another life. I had underestimated to what extent I could now no longer be goofy. A parent can never be income-less and thus never just goof around for a year trying to figure out what to do with her life next.
Being a mum is tough, and it often makes me feel insecure and like a failure. After four years, I still often feel like I'm PLAYING the part of a mother instead of BEING a mother. There's so much I'd like to explore still, and to my shame I must admit that I sometimes feel very restricted if not trapped by the fact that I have a child. I can't just pack my bags and go travel the world, or quit my job to persue profitless goals. I can hear the accusations while I write this: you could have thought about that beforehand!
The thing is, I did. But having never had a child before, my mind just couldn't encompass the sheer size of the impact a child has on your life. And my own mother was like earth mother incarnate. She (seemingly) never struggled with the tug of war between being a mum and nurturing her other talents/wants/dreams. So before I actually became a mother, I thought that being a mum would be as evident as the sun coming up in the morning.
One important reason why being a mum is so tough for me, is because I love my child so much. This may sound like a contradiction in terms, but it really is not. I have never loved anyone as much as I love my child. Before him, I thought I knew unconditional love. Now I know that there is no love in the whole wide world as unconditional as a mother's love for her child. For my son, I'd do anything. The best hugs and kisses in my life are those I get from my boy. I have never been as proud of anyone as I am of my boy. If I ever had to chose between anyone (including my hsuband) and my boy, then my boy it is.
Precisely because I love my boy so much, I struggle so hard with not being a perfect mum and wanting so many other things. I feel guilty for being like that, because my innocent boy deserves so much more. He deserves a mum like my own, whose happiness depended solely on making her two daughters happy.
What I'm trying to say is, if I didn't love my son so much, I would have called this whole domestic family thing quits a long time ago. I'd be doing all those things I can only do in my dreams now. But I don't, because I love him.
Yet, despite feeling so ambivalent about motherhood, having a child has given me one thing nothing else could. It gives me the chance to love without restriction and without holding back.
If I could go back in time and change things, would I? I don't know. I wouldn't want my son NOT to be in my life, but I would want him to come later, I guess. After having done all those other things that I naively thought weren't so important. But then again, he wouldn't be who he is, so...
So how should you know whether to have a child or not?
After my own experience I'd say: it's easy to give logical and rational reasons for not having a child. It's impossible to give rational reasons for wanting a child. It is, however, possible to tell you what you will miss out on if you don't have a child: unconditional love.
Okay, Hor-gal....for you, I'll write the story!
My son was not born to me. He was born to my sister when she was a teenager. From the get-go, I had the a maternal instinct with him, and she did not. She wanted to be out partying. When he was almost a year old, I talked to her about adopting him.
Instead, she met a guy and married him. It lasted five months and he was abusive. A couple of months later, she approached me, and wanted me to adopt him. He was 18 months old when he came to live with us. Finally!
My sister never looked back. She got into some serious partying, then straightened out, then married a Marine and had three more children. We've always been open about it with Kenny, so there's no shock and no awkwardness. It's worked out beautifully!
And yes..."gross" is so real!! LOL
:o) BJ
Belle, Thank You for sharing so open and candidly with me. My biggest fear is pretty much what you've stated, being tied down like that forever and giving up - MYSELF. You said that you didn't comprehend just how bit it was until you had a baby and I struggle with wondering if I'm blowing it up bigger than it even is, if I've got a good idea, or heaven forbid if for ALL of my worrying and doubts that I'll STILL be hit like a ton of bricks with 100 other unexpected things. There's not a good way to judge what you honestly know and feel compared to what it's TRULY like.
And Belle, forgive me for opening my big mouth, but ya know, sometimes my mom was wonderful natural earth mother too, but then sometimes she was off her dang rocker with me. She'd go from super-mom to crazy mom - but it never waiverd my love and adoration for her. I think if anything, my mom being honest about the struggles of having me, and not pretending that all was berries and bliss 100% of the time - but still loving me just like you love your boy - gave me a better understanding of what it's REALLY like. lol I guess you could say a lot of my doubt comes from seeing her raise me, but then when I look at the good times I want THOSE more than anything. What I'm trying to babble on about is that I wish and pray that you'd let go of some of your guilt with you and your boy. You love him like crazy beyond belief, and as long as he knows that, he'll respect you for the rest, he'll respect honesty. Don't pretend you know? It'd come out when he was older and he'd question everything. And no, I'm not insane to say to tell you to tell your baby boy that he holds you back and ruins your life (not that he does, I'm being dramatic) no, there are other ways, ways that don't hurt a child, to let them know the realities of life. I love my mom all the more for being open with me and respecting my right to know what is going on in her life and head. Ack, Belle, I wish I were better with words.
Blogget - wow gal, that's something else. I don't have all the right good and mushy things to say, so I'll just say that I'm glad you were there to take him in and love him like he needed. It's beautiful to see, and congratulations :)
Tyler - All racial joking is welcom here, as long as it's in good humor and not malice.
And that wasn't a joke anyways, it was the truth! :P Well it is, but luckily I got a faulty model and he only wants 2 kids and not 12. I got lucky in that respect.
[[y
And hey, don't regret your kids because of the divorce, I can't imagine how hard it is, I'm sorry for you, but years from now those kids will still love the shit out of you, and they'll be damn happy to have been brought into this world. You just keep on OK? Okay. :) So..... Latin? Are you a beaner or like a REAL latin, like from spain? Cuban? Puerto Rican? Do tell darling so that I can make fun of you. :P
Sorry I've been absent, Hor. It's been a busy time.
I think I've always wanted kids, but I will be honest in that I knew I wanted to wait until I was at least in my late twenties...and now that I'm rolling into my late thirties, if frightens me to think that I may never have any.
I'm good with other people's kids, practically raised my baby sister, and so why wouldn't I be good with my own.
I'm still considering that lovechild idea....;)
XOXOXO
Hor!! What a fun question. I have a ten year old boy and I am so glad I did it! Me, myself, I'm happy with one. I still get to be selfish on occasion and Jay and I get along really good. We also fight like cats and dogs. I'm pretty strict about most stuff but he's a great boy. Plus, I get to go on field trips and crank Audioslave in the car when I'm driving him and his friends around. I say do it!! Sometimes when he was a baby and would cry in the middle of the night, I'd want to pinch his little leg soooo hard but I never did...it made me feel so stable and responsible that I never gave in :) I would not trade him for the world.
Jill, that seems to be the general thing - "I wouldn't trade him/her for the world no matter what they do to drive me batty" That's hopeful :) Okay and btw I LOOOOVVEEE Audioslave!!!
I always wanted kids. I babysat, worked at a camp in the summer in high school, then was a nanny for a while... Didn't get married until I was 32 though, and then popped one out right away.
I couldn't give any better answer than C as to "why". I just did. I wanted a family.
You know, there are many snot, piss, puke moments. Many moments when they will be on the brink of destruction. Moments when you'll consider killing them yourself.
My 11 year old goddaughter asked me last week, "Kat, is it all worth it, at the end of the day?", and I didn't hesitate. Of course... it really is. It is the hardest/most challenging job I've ever had, and the most rewarding.
You will be amazed that you can love anyone so much.
Kat - I love your honesty - I NEED that, Thank You. You know, I'm amazed at how much I can love C. and if a baby is more, then I might just go bonkers. :P And I guess that's what it takes huh?
Aahhh... I'm reading back now, been a while since I was in for a visit. I never wanted kids either until suddenly I thought I might. Once you start thinking about it, you're on the slippery slope. Just do it hon, listen to Jenny, she knows what she's on about.
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