Alan the Great tagged me AGAIN. I here by declare him not a hor but a DIRTY hor.

7 random things about myself. Fuck. Fine. I'll teach you to mess with me.

1. Last night I read some erotica with the plot taking place in a creative writing class.

2. I haven't been able to take advantage of my mexican in DAYS because of his two jobs.

3. Later on I decided to take care of business with my magic bullet. (adjustable speed, it's the shit fo sho)

4. I was thinking about what I read earlier. In the "book," the writing class was a class on writing erotica. It said that in erotica you have to be really specific when you describe what the characters are physically feeling.

5. I'm a multitasker and thought I would give it a whirl and try think up what mr. magic feels like.

6. But all I could come up with is that it SOUNDS like a buzzing bee. And then all I could think about was that mr. magic feels like what a giant buzzing bee would feel like all up on my shit. (and it creeped me out a little bit ) And then I remembered that back in the day Cleopatra used a wooden box full of bees as like one of the first vibrators. (wouldn't that suck if they DIED! (and before you were finished?))

7. And then I figured out why a Queen bee in real life lays so many freaken eggs and has like a million babies. Cuz everybody who does it with her is a LIVING vibrator.

Ok so I guess that's just ONE random stream of thought but whatever it's my blog. And now you all have a lleeeetle bit better idea of how my brain works.

Dear Skin On my Face.

You are an asshole.

Yeah I'm talking to you. Bitch. OOoooooo "She jus call ju a bitch! What chu goan do bout it?"

I currently use 6 products on you each and every day. Not to mention miscellaneous strips, masks and scrubs. AND I fucking stay out of the sun! OH You asshole do you even KNOW how not cool it is to be pale? It's like having fucking leprosy!

I've got eye gel for wrinkles, a gel and scrub for acne, I've got a daytime with SPF and at nighttime I spot treat for acne, wrinkles and moisturising. I'm well read and know what products I can use together and which to use separate. I exfoliate, but not TOO much.

I drink a god awful ridiculous amount of green tea and water. And not JUST for the fun of seeing my pee be clear and feel smug that my kidneys are happy but for YOU! !

And what do you do in return?? OH for shame I think you know. SSHHAAAAAMME. Yes I did just point my finger at you.

Do you know how CHEAP I am and how much money I've spent on you? Fuck You. Seriously I broke down and even started buying the more expensive products (it's painful for me to not be cheap) so once again, Fuck You.

If it weren't for a concealer I found a few years ago that will cover up a fuckin donkey if you put him on my face I would have went insane long long ago.

I need you to get on the same boat as me. I'm 25. Did you realize that? Were you too busy scheming your next evil plot and accidentally missed a couple of my birthdays? Your not a screen writer, stop it. And don't you dare make me go all catholic on your ass and bring in a priest to bring out the demons and shit.

I've tried positive reinforcement with you but those days are over. Get your SHIT together you lazy skank ass bitch.

Cruiser Hor tagged me again

7 random things about me.

1. I've played the violin for 13 years. And for the last couple years I've been teaching myself the guitar. (why yes I am trying too hard to sound cool, thank you)

2. I have two cats. I never could come up with a good name for them so for the last 3 years I've called them Little Kitty and Big Kitty. It only sux when I go to the vet for shots because the people look at me like I'm a bastard. For SHIT sakes I'm paying for shots for their worthless asses!

3. I drink about 2 quarts of green tea a day.

4. My little brother is a high functioning Autistic and I can't bring myself to ever wish that he would have been born different. He is SO sweet and SO fun and loving and smart that I honestly couldn't ask for a better little dude. (and I kind of feel like a bastard for not wanting better for him)

5. My parents are summer nudists. They don't go to conventions or anything but they live in the boondocks and NEVER have tan lines. My dad never did it when I was around the house but there were many a time when I would pull up in my car and see him making a run for it to the house to get some clothes. Ha hah hahahaha.

6. I love rainbows and rainbow colored stuff but I'm always afraid that I'm coming across as a giant lesbian. I SOOOOOOO wanted one of those rainbow stickers on my car and was going to buy one until my friend told me that I can't. I don't care who you want to love or get it on with but I'm a little pissy that the gay folks have monopolized on the rainbows. I'm colorful too, bitches.

7. Fuck this is a lot of shit to write. Random..... Me.... I am currently on my 6th cup of coffee because I have an overwhelming urge to eat an ENTIRE box of little debbie swiss rolls. No not 2 or 3 packages, the whole box. And I'm pretty sure I could do it. God help me.

I'm so a-fucking-stounded I might go a leeeetle nuts.

C. got all of the bugs worked out and fixed on our "new" car. Yay! Right?
OH yes but not before it REALLY DID give MYYYYYY car syphilis just like I predicted. Yes I am Madam psychic come to me and I'll read tarot cards and tell you what STD your car has. My happy little car was just fine until he brought home that Ghetto trash. She's a hor like me and apparently likes the bad boy image and now LOOK what he's given her!!


My car wouldn't fucking come out of PARK yesterday. Park?? Who the fuck ever heard of that!? Just like that, no reason at all, one minute we were happy and driving to work and the next thing I know the bitch goes into a coma and won't snap out of it.


She doesn't wear a bra, I should have KNOWN she's a hoochie.

Ok, so C. found a buddy and within a day they fixed it. Awesome maybe she'll be fine with antibiotics. Cool. Anyways when I came home from work on Saturday C. comes running out to meet me. Guess what? HIS car is now making a funny noise in the brakes. OHmyJesusOhmyJeasus this can't be happening right? It CAN'T!! I just posted last week about 8 things that had to be fixed on this car, and then my car, and now his car A-FUCKING-GAIN??? Ok Ok. I'm breathing, in. Out. In. Out.


He got in to turn on his car to move it forward a bit and hit the brakes so I could hear the noise. Simple enough right?? But G*D for fucking bid, really!

It wouldn't start. Maybe their spreading the syph back and forth?? I don't know but we ended up spending $400 on it to get it to start and go again. And yesterday?? As I went to leave work?? Yeah it wouldn't start again. Again!


In the past week I've had our 2 cars break down 4 times PLUS 6 miscellaneous repairs. Belt, lights, trunk, blah blah blah.

He's working 16 hour days and I'm doing 12-13, we don't have time to fix shit so all this week until friday when he gets a half day off I have to drive his old and busted really REALLY old Ghetto car with a loud exhaust. Loud Exhaust is like the most embarrassing thing E-VER. Maybe it's the 16 year old in me but I will flat out refuse to leave the house unless I absolutely have to because I don't like to drive an embarrassing car. Yes I'm that shallow. I'm a shallow hor with a bunch of syphilis hor cars.

I'd never make a good pimp cuz I can't keep my bitches clean.

Chucky Cheese and Cheeto

My Father and Step Mother Met C. last night. After 6 months of worrying we finnaly did it.

At Chucky Cheese!!!! YAAAAAYYYYY I love Chucky Cheese!! Well, ah-hhem, my little brother loves Chucky Cheese. Ah Ahem. Scuse me.

How perfect a place to meet? Public, loud enough so we didn't have to talk a lot, and distracting as hell. Oh yes and no firearms allowed, how convienent!!! OMG it was the best EVER for a first meet.

My little brother LOVED C. and referred to him first as Keno and then Cheeto. AAAHHAHAHAHA Cheeto. I'm not sure my Dad could have smiled any bigger to hear D. call him Cheeto. He was very proud of his son.

I asked (forced) Cheeto to play the water shooting game with D. You know the one where you have to aim shooting water at a tiny hole? C. momentarily went into the man mode I-must-win-no-matter-what- even though my opponent is 6. Yes that one. Not to worry Sissy was there and reminded mr. Cheeto. (i wrenched the handle from his death grip and slowed his ass down) nicely that he's playing my leeeetle brother. After that D. made him play 6 more times and was such a badass (ahem) that he won every game.

I'm so proud of my Parents. My Dad didn't even LOOK like he wanted to cause bodily harm to C. and my Step Mom smiled and didn't carry mace around her neck. I'm honestly grateful.

Damn my little brother and his ridiculously cute ass. I'm not really into kids, I kind of don't like them at all, but he does something to me that turns me into mush. Bastard. Anyways, I'll follow him anywhere and do anything or play any game he asks. Upon seeing this new behavior in me, Cheeto my little children loving-thinks I'll make a great mom-wants to make one RIGHT NOW- tortilla chip love was filled with hope anew. Fuck.

Christ he was all super lovey happy mushy telling me how good I am with kids and what not. BBLleck. I made sure to tell him that I can only do it for like 4 hours and then I want to collapse. Or maybe crawl into a dark quiet cave and stay a bit. Either way really.

Bluetooth Cyborg Dorks

Anybody else laugh at bluetooth wearers because they look like retarded cyborgs?

Cuz I do.

I wonder how long until they start making little clip-ons for them with hello kitty and star trek symbols on them. And rhinestones.

My Mexican Played the RACE Card on ME!!! (not smart buddy)

C. has taken on a second job. Tuesday thru Thursday he's going to go strait from one to the other and not be home until late at night. I'll miss him but it's o.k. it'll give me time to catch up on things like being lazy and hanging out with friends and did I mention watching t.v. and being LAZY?????

Monday this week he heard me talking to Jaybird about hanging out with Travis. We haven't been together long enough for him to know Travis, for God's sake even I haven't seen T. in years. He got all pissy and I tried to explain to him that T. is gay, and that hanging out with him is ok. (and that I'm going to do what I damn well please anyway)

Little beotch threw back at me "How would you like if I hung out with a lesbian?" Bastard that's different.

Tuesday while he was working I went out to dinner with my boss and her friend. I had two long Islands (mmmmmmmm) and stayed out a bit late. I guess he had been trying to call me and I didn't know it and when he got home and smelled alcohol on my breath he wasn't buying my dinner with boss "story". WTF???

Wednesday he had an hour in between the two jobs to be home and I didn't know so when my friend Jaybird showed up looking all cute before he left he just KNEW that we were going out and that I was doing SOMETHING wrong. Truth is we were just going to Meijer and Jaybirds a cute dresser.

So yesterday I was fed up with him acting all assy for the few minutes a day I get to see him and laid a big ass guilt trip on him and told him not to be a bastard. I've done NOTHING wrong, I don't cheat, I'm not going to cheat and I just about can't believe that he doesn't trust me.

He's never been cheated on and his reasoning for being such a dillhole is that.... Wait. ..wait. oh my... ha ha ha ...here it comes -

"I'm a Mexican"

me- "Exuse me?"
"
We're like that. White guys are different they don't care"


Oh silly silly corn hole you just set yourself up to be flogged, silly stupid boy.

I laid a big ole thing on him about just because his skin is darker than mine that he doesn't get to be a jealous asshole for no reason. And a little bit about how I don't care what culture he was raised in or how his friends are with their women, because he is a grown man and is more than capable for thinking for himself.

I have a friend that was raised in a super racist family and she managed to grow up, make her own decisions, think for herself and have her own opinion about what the color of a persons skin means. (she's not a racist like them, and it gives me hope)

Oh goofy boy you just don't know who you're dealing with.

The race card?? Oh. My. God. No. He di-int!!! HAHAHAHAHAHhahah ah ha. I still can't believe it. Anyways all is well now. I'm relieved to say that he is able of seeing stuff from a different view if presented (beat into his head) to him in the right manor.

Oh, ho ho I'm still laughing. OH me oh my.

Do NOT Let a Mexican Buy You a Car

If I didn't love him and I liked to hit people I would KICK C' S ASS.

Bless his little fajita heart but I'm in awe of what he really purchased. I mentioned him buying the new car a couple of weeks ago. You know, the one that is a stick? And he's never drove a stick and asked me, the used to be a TRUCK DRIVER girl if I know HOW to drive a stick??? Yes that one.

Well, I taught him how to drive it and he picked up on it pretty well but I guess he just doesn't feel comfortable with it. No biggie I thought his car was better than mine so I was happy to trade. OH ho ho ho silly silly hor.

First off I figure out the LIGHTS don't work. Fucking lights!?!?! Who goes to buy a car and doesn't check the light's?? What the shit fire hell bean boy??

Ok ok. He fixed the lights. I'm ok now.
So at the grocery store I decide to put my stuff in the trunk, whatever, go to close the trunk lid and BBOOING! It come flying back up at me. The trunk does not close. The people had apparently gunked it up with something so that it would stay closed until opened, but then, free game. So I had to drive around an entire DAY with a boing boing trunk with people honking at me. WWWHHHHOOOOOOOO buys a car without checking the fucking trunk for dead bodies?? Come. ON!! Dead Bodies for rizzle! Thankfully he fixed it (bungee chord free thank god cuz that is SO ghetto.)

Next. I THOUGHT his stereo was better than mine cuz it has a cool CD playa but guess what, the balance was turned all the way to one side of the car because the other side has blown freakin speakers. Hell.

You better buy me some speakers you little frijole fart.

Done yet?? Well good heavens no. Yesterday I took it to get it washed (something I never do but it's black and looks like hell with shit on it) During the first pass of high pressure water I was oh so NOT fucking surprised to be abso-shit-fucking-lutely DRENCHED in water because the seal around the windshield is gone or dead or just not there. And of course this would be the one day that I pay for the 8 dollar wash, therefore having to sit there and be gushed upon over and over and over. Who's the wetback now?? Oh well, at least I can dry off. (ooo might have went too far there but I'm joking and he's my wetback so I'm not erasing it)

Also the seat adjusting handle doesn't have it's nice little rubber handle, just bare metal, and it ripped the ass in my jeans. Yesterday. After the car wash.

NOW this morning as I went to get the dew off my window by rolling it down, the driver side power in the window started cutting out. I got it to go back up and I'm leaving it that way until I forget about it and try it again. I swear if I end up with PLASTIC for a window like I see some people have to do I'll, I'll, I don't know but he better fix it or his ass is driving the ghetto fucker.

He bought it because it "looks really nice." I.E. Pretty. Pretty?? Lindsay Lohan is pretty but that don't mean the ho doesn't have a drug problem and herpes for god sake. YOU CAN'T SEE SYPHILIS YOU LITTLE love of my life BEANER!!

GAAAWW. No more car buying for little love tortilla. Oh no, he's done. Done Done Done like the meat in a fajita, we're talkin done.

Not so Wordless Wednesday

My Dad has this hanging on his wall at home. It IS an actual skull that my Dad found in the Ozark mountains where we have a little cabin. I was like 8 when he found it and the way he presented it to my Mom and I scared the absolute SHIT out of us both. Anybody good with bones? Got a guess as to what it really is? Click and blow it up maybe it'll be easier for you.


My Dad still loves to mess with new people when they come to their house the first time. It's a hillbilly dream piece.

Our First Barbeque. OMFG.

C. and I got a new grill last week and wanted to have a cookout this weekend for my parents and a couple of his friends. Our neighbors grill all the time and feed us so it's about freaking time we pay them back you know?

Anyways C. told me that he invited them (there's like 6 of them living there) but he only thought MAYBE 3 would show up. I of course figured he had been huffing paint and planned on at least 8 plus my parents and us. Then as we were shopping I remembered that there are a ton of people that drive by our house every day and HONK to say hello. I don't quite get the honking thing btw because living is such close proximity to others kind of defeats the purpose of the honk hello. It's more like living on an LA freeway during rush hour on a day that starbucks has been closed down due to lack of soy milk, everybody's pissed off and nobody can really figure out who or what is really being honked at.

Blah, I digress. I bought enough food to feed an army knowing damn well that it would get used and all the while justifying it to C. by saying that we would eat what didn't get used later in the week.

Being a Mexican it seems like he would GET that a ton of people would just show up. He must have some sort of weird mexican true stereotype block on his brain or something. I don't know but it's a damn good thing that I'm well versed in stereotypes. Go cracker Go.

So, he planned on MAYBE 7 people, and how many did I manage to feed? TWENTY ONE. I think. There might have a couple more but good lord jumping bean it was a little nuts.

Speaking of beans, Holy Fuckin Frijole those people can eat. Leftovers? Food for later in the week to cook? HAHAHAHAHAHA No. But we had fun and all that blah blah so whatever.

Perhaps the highlight was my Dad getting drunk and trying to hug everyone before they left. In case you don't know, Mexicans aren't' touchy freely folk and my dad tried at one point to hug and OLD mexican man. Wow! That was awkward, stiff and accompanied by me silently praying "please don't slug my Dad, please don't beat my dad." C's used to it now and takes it pretty well but these poor people were really in for it.

BTW did I mention that all 20 mexicans present (cept c.) speak zero to 5 words of english and my parents speak zero? Right, my Dad trying his best to do scarades and communicate was beautiful. But you know what the craziest part was? They liked him! Because he was drinking BEER. They thought that was cool cuz they were drinking beer too and the cracker wasn't a stiff.

Who needs word communication when you have meat, gestures and beer.

God bless America.