Snow Plow Sons of Bitches

I moved into the Ghetto this weekend.

I've always lived in the country and quite frankly I hate my new Ghetto home. Singing Elvis' song "In the Ghetto" as preformed by Cartman from South Park makes me feel a leeeeetle beter. But not enough to stop me from wanting to kick the snow plow dudes ass.

We received a lovely dump of 20 inches of snow saturday night. The snow is pretty and there's nothing I can do to stop it so I can't really bitch about it. That is, until the snow plow fucker rams a half ton of it onto my car.

Since I am a hillbilly, I of course have experience in snow plowing. Damn it, it's not rocket science. A snow plow has this great little function that allows it to be angled to which ever direction is necessary.

Dear Snow Fucker,

The correct position of your plow for slinging crap off the road at 40 mph is
is the position that angles it AWAY from my car. Yes Asshole that means you need to angle it into the middle of the road and then yes, I'm sorry, go over it again, and again,
until you get all of it pushed up into my yard, all the while tearing up what little grass
we have. Yes retard, YARD not CAR. Bitch. (Kill the grass I hate to mow anyways.)

It took me an hour to shovel myself out and get my car un-stuck. An entire hour of swearing out loud and repeatedly slipping and falling on my ass. At least the swearing and falling made me laugh at myself, and yes the snow is beautiful but I still want to stick my shovel up his ass.


OH yes, I feel many good times will be had in the Ghetto. I am cracker, hear me swear folks.

Hillbillys On A Plane

Actually just one hillbilly.

I'm driving with my parents down to florida and then flying back. I've never flown, flew, flied, (god it sux to be dumb) before and I think I might be nervous. It's not the plane up in the air that I'm afraid of though, it's the people.


Thanks to reading Mr. 15 Minute Lunch everyday, I am now good and freaked out about getting on a putrid smelling, germ infested, lung tissue spotted flying hell hole. It's not a complete loss though, at least I have been properly educated on etiquette. This is what I've gathered so far:

-I will not speak.
-I will bathe before getting on the plane.
-I will not use a retarded amount of perfume.
-I will freak out trying to figure out which arm rest is mine and then in fear not use one at all.
-I will look my hottest.
-I will observe nasal courtesy. i.e. no snorting snot (eeeeew)
-I will not lean my seat back, or attempt to adjust it.
-I will not kick the seat in front of me.

Ok this is what I can think of right now, if anybody has more to add I would appreciate it. Also I would appreciate it if someone would tell me how the hell I'm going to come off of this without Ebola.

Thank You.

Somebodys sexy

Ok those letters that you have to type in the little box before it will let you post? The security letters? Whatever you call that shit.

Today they found the need to tell me something.

Jewsoxzy

Is anyone else seeing, Jew so sexy? I'm not sure if I'm sexy or if Jews are.

Oh yeah it's the Jews.

Idol Bastards

Ok, I'm cool with those American Idol people making fun of skinny blond bitches that think they are God's gift to earth. Go ahead, be shitty to them, they need it.

But last night while channel surfing I came across that poor boy singing "Unchained Melody." It was so painful to watch I had to turn it off. He obviously has some sort of something wrong in his head. Not the funny ha ha kind but the for real anxiety disorder coupled with . . . something else.

I'm all for making fun of retards, like on South Park. That's some funny, funny shit.

What those Idol people did was lame. I wanted to see what they were going to say to him, so I turned back to watch a minute or two later. I honestly thought they would show some humanity. But they were so seriously cruel to this poor boy. I can't imagine being so inhuman as to be horrible to someone that doesn't understand.

And yeah I get that you shouldn't try out on that show if you suck or don't want to be made fun of, I totally get it, but that guy wasn't all there!! He doesn't have the presence of mind to get that he can't sing, BUT damn it I'm pretty damn sure he has feelings. And yeah I get that "normal" people have feelings too, but. . . damn it it was just not cool.

Later on they showed him talking and standing there all nervous and weird. Making fun of people that deserve it is cool but don't exploit the mentally handicap (or whatever jesus christ political correct phrase I'm supposed to say) for ratings.

It's only O.K. to make fun of retarded people behind their backs. You know, like on South Park or like Carlos Mencia does on his DVD's. God he's funny.

'Have some tact people.

Bean Sex

Ok so I work for an bulk agricultural supply company. We're kind of high-tech hillbilly. Anyways last fall my mom gave me a "Magic Bean." It's a big-ass pre-packaged bean that when grows, is supposed to have a magic message/fortune written on the first leaf that grows. They make it happen with lasers and some smart shit that I'm not intelligent enough to explain.

Any-freaken way, I brought my bean to work, it grew, and I got my secret message. It said "Sweet Dreams." I was damn glad I brought the thing to work because I wouldn't be able to sleep with it in my apartment. Sweet Dreams sounds like a creepy threat to me, and I'll be damned if I'm going to be killed by some weird ass bean ju-ju shit.

By the way, I feel like I need to say that I don't make it a habit to bring in a bunch of cutsie crap to proudly display to work. It was actually a little bit of a joke to everyone because I am the only one working here that wasn't raised by a farming family. I know jack about farming. Ok

Oh God, back to the point. The people I work for give professional farm advice, they tell farmers what to use on their crops, fertilizer, pesticides, blah blah. Anyways, my boss gave me advice on my bean plant. He told me what kind of our fertilizer to give it, re-pot, ect. I did all this shit and one day I come in to work and it had a bloom! Two days later it had little tiny bean pods growing. How cool, I was all excited and my co-workers were happy for me and my Jesus Christ bean.

I remember something about pollinating from school, you know like how plants need to swap pollen to have baby plants? Well I've only got one damn plant, and it managed to re-produce. My boss was surprised but then mentioned something about self-pollination. Cool so my plant has sex with itself.

So it keeps growing, the pea-pods are all huge and happy but . . . empty. I asked my boss, about it cuz I kind of wanted to re-plant with the beans I would get. He walked up to my plant, and seriously felt it up. He came back and told me that it didn't properly pollinate, that in fact it DID need to get it on with another bean. He and another salesman were laughing at me so I got a little pissy and said "For Gods sake, what the hell do I know about bean sex ?!" (thank-god my boss is cool) He just laughed some more and went about his way.

My bean had a false pregnancy. I'm bummed because I was looking forward to having in-bred bean grandchildren. Its still growing it's barren pod ass off, and I'm not sure what to tell it. I'm pretty sure a barren bean is pretty bad advertisement for our company but they haven't asked me to take it home yet. That's what those bastards get though. This is their area of expertise, they should have hooked me up with some In-Vitro advice. My bean would have been a single mom, but she would have had a loving and supportive extended family.

Oh well, it might be barren but at least I know it's cool enough to have sex with itself. There's just no shame in that.

This is Damn Cool

I finally found out what the world of Blogging is all about a few weeks ago. I stumbled onto JV's site from some other site, and I haven't stopped reading since. I'm completley addicted. I'm useless at work becuase all I do is read blogs and pretend to work. It's our slow time of year so I can kind of get away with it.

This whole blogging thing is so cool!! Everyone can have their very own little space on the Internet and you can do whatever you want with it and people can just drop in and say shit. Ok so I've heard of having a personal web page before, but this is so much easier and neat-O.

I'm not a good enough writer to have my own funny blog, but they give one to you when you sign up so that you can comment. I felt guilty for having my little space all blank and wretched so I figured I would come today and shit it up a little bit. Shit shit shit. There we go.