Ladies if you've been with a man longer than 6 months you might have seen it.
Guys? You've done it. Either by yourself in the bathroom or in front of a woman, you've done it.
Something that a chick will tell her BEST girlfriend about and exclaim "NO WAY!!" then whisper "nuh-huh, him too??," when she finds out that her friend has seen the phenomenon as well.
Something that a group of experienced women out on a ladies night will bring up after a few cocktails and have a good ole time laughing about. And if their lucky, somebody will be just drunk enough off the Applebees cocktail list to do a half stand in the booth and demonstrate.
The Mancopter. The helicopter move. If the stars are aligned, the tide is right, he's drunk or just plain been with you forever, at one point your man will bust this out on you. He might start out in loose boxers or just be strutting around nekkid but at one point something will hit him and he will start the helicopter mating dance.
At this point your man will point his nekkid pepe in your direction and full of pride that only a man can posses begin to swish and gyrate his hips - or entire body depending on his grace- and attempt to make said pepe to rotate in a circular motion (like a helicopter blade) for your viewing pleasure. You will stare in awe of his . . . of his. . god I don't know but you'll stare and you'll most likely laugh. Or try REALLY hard not to laugh, but if you're drunk he's out of luck.
Make sure to pry thy eyes away from the cockcopter for a minute and DO NOT miss out on your mans facial expression. Guaranteed his face will start out with a look of complete concentration and move on to abundant glee. Of course that is if he can get his member to rotate properly. If not, and all he can manage is a diagonal back and forth he'll probably be pretty sad but he'll keep trying for you, don't worry.
They'll do it hard or soft but I think it works best a bit in between. If he's got a little (or a lot) of pudge you're really gonna have a show on your hands. You can end up with a big ole heap of gyrating, vibrating, jiggly man just as happy as he can be.
If inevitably he can't get it right, one of two things will happen. He will be devastated and you will need to do some major ego repair, OR he might move on to another dance for you.
Has anybody ever witnessed the swinging balls? It's the poor mans helicopter and I'm not going into it, I... I just can't. *shudder*
Eventually your man will tire of his rotation display (or he'll hurt his balls by getting to rowdy) and have to stop. He's going to need reassurance from you that even though you were laughing your ass off that "why yes sexy darling" I was indeed impressed.
If you haven't witnessed it yet just wait, but if you're impatient and brave just ask. He might be shy about it for a few minutes but no man can resist the pull of the helicopter.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Men and Balls
Ok so we all know that men LOOOVE to play with their twigs and berries all the time, it's nothing new. New to ME though is the sudden raise in percentage of men I see on a daily basis yanking their crank. I don't really mind, I find it amusing the level of comfort some of the males in my life have found in my presence.
1. One of our salesmen. Great guy - funny, cute, hard worker, great dresser blah blah but a King of ball adjustments. He will be standing talking to me and our bosses and just start goin at it, rucksackin around down there until he's satisfied and all usually while he's talking. It's like a one man show or something. Add to that he's very particular about how his clothes look and at any point during conversation might whip off his belt buckle, down his zipper a bit, pull out his shirt part way and go on his merry way of re tucking it in to be just right.
We've called him on it more than once and his excuse is that he grew up on a farm and is just used to being around guys out in the field all the time and not caring. Whatever, he also went 1st-12th and college. Oh well it's a laugh.
2. C 's started doing it in front of me now. We are to that stage where things like not ball shucking in my lady-like presence have flown the coop. Oh well if I call him on it he at least will still blush. (I know the day will come when he preforms the "helicopter" for me but I think it's quite a few months to come.)
3. My dad the other day. Eeew. I don't even think he realized he did it but my mom and I had a good ole time letting him know.
4. Last but not least my sweet little brother. I went for a visit on mothers day and throughout the day he slowly shed clothing like he always does. Kid LOVES to be nekkid. Anyways right before I left he was down to his superman undies and was getting ready for bath time. He knows he at least has to keep his skives on throughout the day but any mention of bath time and he considers it fair game. His mom told him to come and give sissy a hug and here he comes a runnin all nekkid and free to give me a hug. Great.
Anyways as he stood back to say bye he found it to be the opportune moment to scratch the hell out of his wee ballsack for his Dad and I to see. And enjoy it. I think he might have even closed his eyes and concentrated. He's the greatest and I'm pretty sure my bio Dad was actually proud. Boys.
1. One of our salesmen. Great guy - funny, cute, hard worker, great dresser blah blah but a King of ball adjustments. He will be standing talking to me and our bosses and just start goin at it, rucksackin around down there until he's satisfied and all usually while he's talking. It's like a one man show or something. Add to that he's very particular about how his clothes look and at any point during conversation might whip off his belt buckle, down his zipper a bit, pull out his shirt part way and go on his merry way of re tucking it in to be just right.
We've called him on it more than once and his excuse is that he grew up on a farm and is just used to being around guys out in the field all the time and not caring. Whatever, he also went 1st-12th and college. Oh well it's a laugh.
2. C 's started doing it in front of me now. We are to that stage where things like not ball shucking in my lady-like presence have flown the coop. Oh well if I call him on it he at least will still blush. (I know the day will come when he preforms the "helicopter" for me but I think it's quite a few months to come.)
3. My dad the other day. Eeew. I don't even think he realized he did it but my mom and I had a good ole time letting him know.
4. Last but not least my sweet little brother. I went for a visit on mothers day and throughout the day he slowly shed clothing like he always does. Kid LOVES to be nekkid. Anyways right before I left he was down to his superman undies and was getting ready for bath time. He knows he at least has to keep his skives on throughout the day but any mention of bath time and he considers it fair game. His mom told him to come and give sissy a hug and here he comes a runnin all nekkid and free to give me a hug. Great.
Anyways as he stood back to say bye he found it to be the opportune moment to scratch the hell out of his wee ballsack for his Dad and I to see. And enjoy it. I think he might have even closed his eyes and concentrated. He's the greatest and I'm pretty sure my bio Dad was actually proud. Boys.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Mexican + First time driving a stick = WTF???
Yesterday C. called me at work to tell me he bought a car. I knew he was looking for a car but I didn't realize he was just going to jump off and buy one just like that. But whatever. Anyways he asks me "Do you know how to drive a stick?"
Well let's think here my little chorizo, I drove a semi for almost 4 years and still have to sometimes if we get low on drivers. HHHmmmmm I wonder. Let's RREEAALLYY think about this.
Ok, so after he asked me I asked him. Lo and behold, what the shit, he has no idea how to drive a stick. But he bought one, and had his friend drive him home in it. Well isn't that nice. WHAT????
Ok. Fine. I told him that I would teach him, said our "Te amo's" and sweetly hung up the phone. THEN I ran to my boss and had a panic attack all over her desk. Let's count the reasons why I shouldn't be teaching him how to drive a stick. Come, let us.
1. I have no Patience.
2. I get frustrated very easily and start getting pissy -quick.
3. I think the top two might apply to him as well.
4. I love him.
5. He's a mexican, I think there's SOME stereotype out there about them and driving I just don't know what it is and don't want to.
6. He drives a regular car like a retarded man.
7. The only other time I tried to teach someone how to drive something she (jaybird) ended up half in the ditch with a blown tire. (ok so it was her first time driving a car and we were like 16, and there was a scary STICK in the road)
8. He's a "man." I'm not. He's not going to listen to me and I'm gonna get pissed.
9. I'm normally an optimist and this is the stuff that I am thinking.
Ok, blah blah blah, I drive for a bit, try to explain and let him go at it. AND WHAT THE HELL SHIT??? That little slut got in and took off like it was nothing. He over wound it EVERY time he shifted but other than that it was no big deal. Speaking of over winding the engine, I kept telling him OVER AND OVER to shift "when it gets to the 2 or 2 1/2 !!!"
He kept shifting at like 3 1/2 and I just figured he was nervous, but it turns out that he doesn't know what a tac or RPM is and thought I was telling him to shift at 20mph. Good Lord.
Anyways it was pretty uneventful until we headed home and came upon a big ass hill with a stop sign. Oops I forgot about that part. And of COURSE some guy would come strait up our ass at this particular moment. C. had no idea what was going to happen and when he pushed in the clutch and that bitch started rolling backwards he went into panic mode pushing and pulling every brake in the car, killing it and simultaneously grabbing the dash for dear life. HA HA HA HA HA!!! Oh shit I'm still laughin. Oh ho ho ho. That's what he gets for being so cocky when I told him I was impressed with how fast he picked it up.
I tried to explain how to do maneuver the hill but he was traumatized so we attempted to get out so I could show him and get us off the road. I told the dude behind us the deal and went over to the drivers side. He was still there trying to figure out how to get his fingers out of the dashboard and his seat belt off.
I drove around the block, explained what happened and how to fix it and went back to the hill. I parked farther down the hill and made him stop and do it over and over like 5 times until we got the top. When we got to the actual stop sign Mr. Cocky was back and told me that I could stop walking him through it every time and to "watch this." BBBWWAAAHAHAHHA
Mr. Cocky will never learn, I watched him kill it all to shit, and come strait down london bridge off his leeeetle pedestal. Oooooo soooowoo sowwy wee wittle showwoff. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
That's love. In case you need the definition of what love really is it is taking on a seemingly impossible task together and then laughing at them when they fail. And not feeling bad about it. Cuz he was cocky.
Anyways enough of my shit for now he'll be fine, cock and all.
Well let's think here my little chorizo, I drove a semi for almost 4 years and still have to sometimes if we get low on drivers. HHHmmmmm I wonder. Let's RREEAALLYY think about this.
Ok, so after he asked me I asked him. Lo and behold, what the shit, he has no idea how to drive a stick. But he bought one, and had his friend drive him home in it. Well isn't that nice. WHAT????
Ok. Fine. I told him that I would teach him, said our "Te amo's" and sweetly hung up the phone. THEN I ran to my boss and had a panic attack all over her desk. Let's count the reasons why I shouldn't be teaching him how to drive a stick. Come, let us.
1. I have no Patience.
2. I get frustrated very easily and start getting pissy -quick.
3. I think the top two might apply to him as well.
4. I love him.
5. He's a mexican, I think there's SOME stereotype out there about them and driving I just don't know what it is and don't want to.
6. He drives a regular car like a retarded man.
7. The only other time I tried to teach someone how to drive something she (jaybird) ended up half in the ditch with a blown tire. (ok so it was her first time driving a car and we were like 16, and there was a scary STICK in the road)
8. He's a "man." I'm not. He's not going to listen to me and I'm gonna get pissed.
9. I'm normally an optimist and this is the stuff that I am thinking.
Ok, blah blah blah, I drive for a bit, try to explain and let him go at it. AND WHAT THE HELL SHIT??? That little slut got in and took off like it was nothing. He over wound it EVERY time he shifted but other than that it was no big deal. Speaking of over winding the engine, I kept telling him OVER AND OVER to shift "when it gets to the 2 or 2 1/2 !!!"
He kept shifting at like 3 1/2 and I just figured he was nervous, but it turns out that he doesn't know what a tac or RPM is and thought I was telling him to shift at 20mph. Good Lord.
Anyways it was pretty uneventful until we headed home and came upon a big ass hill with a stop sign. Oops I forgot about that part. And of COURSE some guy would come strait up our ass at this particular moment. C. had no idea what was going to happen and when he pushed in the clutch and that bitch started rolling backwards he went into panic mode pushing and pulling every brake in the car, killing it and simultaneously grabbing the dash for dear life. HA HA HA HA HA!!! Oh shit I'm still laughin. Oh ho ho ho. That's what he gets for being so cocky when I told him I was impressed with how fast he picked it up.
I tried to explain how to do maneuver the hill but he was traumatized so we attempted to get out so I could show him and get us off the road. I told the dude behind us the deal and went over to the drivers side. He was still there trying to figure out how to get his fingers out of the dashboard and his seat belt off.
I drove around the block, explained what happened and how to fix it and went back to the hill. I parked farther down the hill and made him stop and do it over and over like 5 times until we got the top. When we got to the actual stop sign Mr. Cocky was back and told me that I could stop walking him through it every time and to "watch this." BBBWWAAAHAHAHHA
Mr. Cocky will never learn, I watched him kill it all to shit, and come strait down london bridge off his leeeetle pedestal. Oooooo soooowoo sowwy wee wittle showwoff. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
That's love. In case you need the definition of what love really is it is taking on a seemingly impossible task together and then laughing at them when they fail. And not feeling bad about it. Cuz he was cocky.
Anyways enough of my shit for now he'll be fine, cock and all.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
I think I might need some sleep.
I worked 82 hours last week. Ok so maybe that's not a big deal to a lot of people, ya know like doctors or whatever. But we've been going nuts here for the last month or so and I'm starting to get worn out.
It wouldn't be so bad if I could get some SHIT FUCKING SLEEP !! AHHHHHHHHHHH.
Ok. And the reason that I'm not able to get any sleep after working 13-16 hours????
Sex.
Happy Mexican jumping bean isn't tired, happy little love tortilla is just FULL of energy. Happy little C. gets to sleep in till 11a.m. oh now isn't that nice???? Truth is I'm happy to throw down a little wang chung even after working ALL day but I want to do it and get it done. That might sound wrong but it's not. We can take our time and be all lovey dovey on the weekend. (the half of a sunday I get off is a weekend)
But no he's all mr. take-his-time-do-it-right and special EVERY DAY. I'm sorry but I'm too tired for an hour of warm up, let's get rollin, give me the good stuff and send me off to sleepy land.
I don't think he understands what a quickie is. Or if he does maybe it makes him feel dirty and used, what do I know?
Alright and I KNOW and I REALIZE that there are a lot of people out there who think I'm insane to complain about having a wonderful guy that wants to do everything all special and nice and stuff like that, but that's not my problem. I appreciate it and I know that I'm way lucky but. . . but. . . but I I Iyyeeammmm T I Y YYYYE R R R RRDDD.
T to the I to the R to the why can't he have E. D. once or twice a week?
I had to go to Walmart at 6a.m. this morning to make a money order (for work, we have to go to walmart because we are working during ALL bank hours) and I needed to add up
28.60
9.54
12.85
I came up with 41097. Swear to God. And I did it TWICE!!! For some reason my brain kept telling me that 2+2+1 equaled 41. Twice. See? I'm tired.
I tried to get the calculator out of my wallet but I've got so much shit crammed in there it wouldn't come out. And now I'm embarrassed because I go there almost every morning to do the same thing and now the lady thinks that I can't add. (or that I'm on crack because I struggled to get a calculator out of my wallet to ADD with and couldn't get it)
Great she probably thinks I can't read either.
I'm sleeping tonight, sex be damned if I can't add we've got a problem.
It wouldn't be so bad if I could get some SHIT FUCKING SLEEP !! AHHHHHHHHHHH.
Ok. And the reason that I'm not able to get any sleep after working 13-16 hours????
Sex.
Happy Mexican jumping bean isn't tired, happy little love tortilla is just FULL of energy. Happy little C. gets to sleep in till 11a.m. oh now isn't that nice???? Truth is I'm happy to throw down a little wang chung even after working ALL day but I want to do it and get it done. That might sound wrong but it's not. We can take our time and be all lovey dovey on the weekend. (the half of a sunday I get off is a weekend)
But no he's all mr. take-his-time-do-it-right and special EVERY DAY. I'm sorry but I'm too tired for an hour of warm up, let's get rollin, give me the good stuff and send me off to sleepy land.
I don't think he understands what a quickie is. Or if he does maybe it makes him feel dirty and used, what do I know?
Alright and I KNOW and I REALIZE that there are a lot of people out there who think I'm insane to complain about having a wonderful guy that wants to do everything all special and nice and stuff like that, but that's not my problem. I appreciate it and I know that I'm way lucky but. . . but. . . but I I Iyyeeammmm T I Y YYYYE R R R RRDDD.
T to the I to the R to the why can't he have E. D. once or twice a week?
I had to go to Walmart at 6a.m. this morning to make a money order (for work, we have to go to walmart because we are working during ALL bank hours) and I needed to add up
28.60
9.54
12.85
I came up with 41097. Swear to God. And I did it TWICE!!! For some reason my brain kept telling me that 2+2+1 equaled 41. Twice. See? I'm tired.
I tried to get the calculator out of my wallet but I've got so much shit crammed in there it wouldn't come out. And now I'm embarrassed because I go there almost every morning to do the same thing and now the lady thinks that I can't add. (or that I'm on crack because I struggled to get a calculator out of my wallet to ADD with and couldn't get it)
Great she probably thinks I can't read either.
I'm sleeping tonight, sex be damned if I can't add we've got a problem.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Spring is Pretty
This is supposed to be a wordless wendsday thing but I just have to say I LOVE spring. (and that I love my camera)
Monday, May 7, 2007
Cruiser Tagged Me, What a hor.
Actually I've never been tagged for ANYTHING and have kind of secretly been hoping that someone would cuz it looks like fun and I want to be like the cool kids.
A - Available or Single? Available for free chocolate
B - Best Friend? Jaybird
C - Cake or Pie? I freaken hate cake. Jello Cheesecake you hor of a questionnaire.
D - Drink of Choice? I drink green tea sans sugar all day but if I could drink something with calories I would choose a milkshake. Or a pop that’s not diet. Oooooo or Welches grape juice. (can we say deprived???)
E - Essential Item(s)? Oil of Olay wrinkle fighting face clearing all in one stuff. Lip gloss
F - Favorite Color? Green
G - Gummy Bears or Worms? Worms bitches, Da Bears Suck
H - Hometown? Hillbilly, Mi
I - Indulgence? Potato chips
J - January or February? WTF?? No, May retards what the hell kind of choices are those?
K - Kids? God please no.
L - Life is incomplete without? My mexican and Sex. Oh . . . Uh and my parents and friends.
M - Marriage Date? Sometime in the next 2 years. My parents have been asking but that shit is hard to decide.
N - Number of Siblings? 5 brothers and 1 sister. But I've only met 3 of them. (I'd kind of like to meet my sister, hook me up Orprah)
O - Oranges or Apples? Apples in Apple Crisp form please, and don't skip on the crispy yummy stuff bitches.
P - Phobias/Fears? The dark. Swimming in water with seaweed, or over my head. Actually swimming in any body of water that contains fish. It just freaks me out cuz I think somethings going to get me. (pretty lame considering I live on the shore of Lake Michigan.
Q - Favorite Quote? "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." - Abe Lincoln, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt
R - Reasons to Smile? C. My Little brother smiling at me. My Mom in her garden. My dad when he hugs me too hard and it hurts.
S - Season? Fall
T - Tag Three? GGooo. This isn't fun. First off how about Jaybird and Travis. Yeah you heard me you non blogger sluts, this will be a good reason for you to start another blog. Come on Travis you know you have a lot of funny shit. Aaaaaand Sgt, but ONLY if you feel like it.
U - Unknown Fact About Me: I was an accident of an affair. The guy my mom was married to didn't leave and raised and loved me as his own. I met my biological father when I was 14 and we've gotten closer and closer over the years. I have the hardest time talking about my Dads to people I don't know very well because neither of them is a step Dad but I DO refer to my bio
dad's wife as a step mom. God bless America.
V - Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animals? I don't oppress them I EAT them. Although my cat's might tell you a different story.
W - Worst habits? Eating yummy stuff that I shouldn't
X - X-rays or Ultrasounds? A crapload of both and yet I've never had a broken bone or been pregnant. I am a magician but the ultrasound lady stole my wand.
Y - Your Favorite Foods: Potatoes. Anything mexican that doesn't involve organs or extremities. Crab rangoons
Z - Zodiac: Half horse half man. I swear I got the suckiest one. Who wants to wear a horse man on a T-shirt?
A - Available or Single? Available for free chocolate
B - Best Friend? Jaybird
C - Cake or Pie? I freaken hate cake. Jello Cheesecake you hor of a questionnaire.
D - Drink of Choice? I drink green tea sans sugar all day but if I could drink something with calories I would choose a milkshake. Or a pop that’s not diet. Oooooo or Welches grape juice. (can we say deprived???)
E - Essential Item(s)? Oil of Olay wrinkle fighting face clearing all in one stuff. Lip gloss
F - Favorite Color? Green
G - Gummy Bears or Worms? Worms bitches, Da Bears Suck
H - Hometown? Hillbilly, Mi
I - Indulgence? Potato chips
J - January or February? WTF?? No, May retards what the hell kind of choices are those?
K - Kids? God please no.
L - Life is incomplete without? My mexican and Sex. Oh . . . Uh and my parents and friends.
M - Marriage Date? Sometime in the next 2 years. My parents have been asking but that shit is hard to decide.
N - Number of Siblings? 5 brothers and 1 sister. But I've only met 3 of them. (I'd kind of like to meet my sister, hook me up Orprah)
O - Oranges or Apples? Apples in Apple Crisp form please, and don't skip on the crispy yummy stuff bitches.
P - Phobias/Fears? The dark. Swimming in water with seaweed, or over my head. Actually swimming in any body of water that contains fish. It just freaks me out cuz I think somethings going to get me. (pretty lame considering I live on the shore of Lake Michigan.
Q - Favorite Quote? "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." - Abe Lincoln, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt
R - Reasons to Smile? C. My Little brother smiling at me. My Mom in her garden. My dad when he hugs me too hard and it hurts.
S - Season? Fall
T - Tag Three? GGooo. This isn't fun. First off how about Jaybird and Travis. Yeah you heard me you non blogger sluts, this will be a good reason for you to start another blog. Come on Travis you know you have a lot of funny shit. Aaaaaand Sgt, but ONLY if you feel like it.
U - Unknown Fact About Me: I was an accident of an affair. The guy my mom was married to didn't leave and raised and loved me as his own. I met my biological father when I was 14 and we've gotten closer and closer over the years. I have the hardest time talking about my Dads to people I don't know very well because neither of them is a step Dad but I DO refer to my bio
dad's wife as a step mom. God bless America.
V - Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animals? I don't oppress them I EAT them. Although my cat's might tell you a different story.
W - Worst habits? Eating yummy stuff that I shouldn't
X - X-rays or Ultrasounds? A crapload of both and yet I've never had a broken bone or been pregnant. I am a magician but the ultrasound lady stole my wand.
Y - Your Favorite Foods: Potatoes. Anything mexican that doesn't involve organs or extremities. Crab rangoons
Z - Zodiac: Half horse half man. I swear I got the suckiest one. Who wants to wear a horse man on a T-shirt?
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Dear Douchebag Customer **
First off, Fuck You.
How's about that for starters? HHmmmmm?
OK, let's start over. Fuck You. Oops, sorry did it again, my bad.
Anyways. Assmaster customer came in today and I took his order. We were insanely busy and I mistakenly put his order on another farmers account. Luckily he noticed it when I printed off his invoice and pointed it out to me. Oops, my bad, no problem it's an easy fix. For about a half second I was appreciative of his honesty and was about to wish him a happy day - and then my boss walked in.
Suddenly, Mr. Honesty decided that he needed to make a big deal out of it (he knows damn well she's the boss) and announce so that my boss could hear, " Huh HEEYULK !! Next time I'll just let you put it on the other guys account! *insert shitty asshole laugh, with poignant stare at boss*
Then of course he had to go on for a bit in the same fucker fashion until my boss had heard MORE than enough and walked away.
FUCKING FUCKER SHIT ASS BITCH FUCK FACE HORRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
(yeah he wishes he could be a hor)
What really was the reason for all of that? Why go from being honest guy to asshat guy? Did he REALLY gain anything by putting me in the doghouse? Really?
Fucker
**(freaking shit shit shit I spelled douchebag - duchbag and didn't notice till today, that's embarrassing)
How's about that for starters? HHmmmmm?
OK, let's start over. Fuck You. Oops, sorry did it again, my bad.
Anyways. Assmaster customer came in today and I took his order. We were insanely busy and I mistakenly put his order on another farmers account. Luckily he noticed it when I printed off his invoice and pointed it out to me. Oops, my bad, no problem it's an easy fix. For about a half second I was appreciative of his honesty and was about to wish him a happy day - and then my boss walked in.
Suddenly, Mr. Honesty decided that he needed to make a big deal out of it (he knows damn well she's the boss) and announce so that my boss could hear, " Huh HEEYULK !! Next time I'll just let you put it on the other guys account! *insert shitty asshole laugh, with poignant stare at boss*
Then of course he had to go on for a bit in the same fucker fashion until my boss had heard MORE than enough and walked away.
FUCKING FUCKER SHIT ASS BITCH FUCK FACE HORRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
(yeah he wishes he could be a hor)
What really was the reason for all of that? Why go from being honest guy to asshat guy? Did he REALLY gain anything by putting me in the doghouse? Really?
Fucker
**(freaking shit shit shit I spelled douchebag - duchbag and didn't notice till today, that's embarrassing)
Monday, April 30, 2007
C's Revenge
Ok so I think I've posted twice now about a couple of screw ups I've made doin the spanish fly mambo with my BF. Like the time I blurted out "oh already??." Ouch still stings to think about that one.
Anyways in all fairness I figured I should post from the other side of the fence at least once.
Ok here goes, we were doing our thang kind of regular style, (ok so saying "regular style" sounds like I'm bored with it but the truth is I couldn't give a flying nancy what way as long as I get the desired outcome. (which means I gets mines beotch) (outcome sounds nasty in this post doesn't it?)
Anyways all of a sudden C. asked me all urgent and breathless to change to a different pose-ish. He REALLY sounded like he wanted to do it this other way, and it was just a smidge dirty so I was all super psyched thinking that he was. . . I don't know that he just really wanted it a certain way and I thought it was so cool that he was excited about it.
GAAAAA this stuff is hard to explain. Anyways afterward I was all happy that he was so happy and I wanted to gloat a little bit so I said something along the lines of
"Gosh you REALLY wanted it from that angle today." And you know I was all happy with myself and thinking I'm bad ass when he says "What?" I repeated and he goes "Oh, no my legs were just really hurting the other way." And that was it. He didn't really GET that my ego was a leeeeetle smushed.
So I had to explain it to him, and of course this was one of those times when the language barrier wasn't helping. Oh crap. Sometimes I just need to let it go.
Oh well he got a good laugh and made sure to tell me how wonderful I am to make me feel better.
-side note- last night he was very pleased and decided to tell me that I am a professional lover. (sorry to gross any of my friends out) I decided to take it as a compliment and not explain that he was calling me a prostitute. He meant well.
Anyways in all fairness I figured I should post from the other side of the fence at least once.
Ok here goes, we were doing our thang kind of regular style, (ok so saying "regular style" sounds like I'm bored with it but the truth is I couldn't give a flying nancy what way as long as I get the desired outcome. (which means I gets mines beotch) (outcome sounds nasty in this post doesn't it?)
Anyways all of a sudden C. asked me all urgent and breathless to change to a different pose-ish. He REALLY sounded like he wanted to do it this other way, and it was just a smidge dirty so I was all super psyched thinking that he was. . . I don't know that he just really wanted it a certain way and I thought it was so cool that he was excited about it.
GAAAAA this stuff is hard to explain. Anyways afterward I was all happy that he was so happy and I wanted to gloat a little bit so I said something along the lines of
"Gosh you REALLY wanted it from that angle today." And you know I was all happy with myself and thinking I'm bad ass when he says "What?" I repeated and he goes "Oh, no my legs were just really hurting the other way." And that was it. He didn't really GET that my ego was a leeeeetle smushed.
So I had to explain it to him, and of course this was one of those times when the language barrier wasn't helping. Oh crap. Sometimes I just need to let it go.
Oh well he got a good laugh and made sure to tell me how wonderful I am to make me feel better.
-side note- last night he was very pleased and decided to tell me that I am a professional lover. (sorry to gross any of my friends out) I decided to take it as a compliment and not explain that he was calling me a prostitute. He meant well.
Friday, April 27, 2007
I don't like to share.
When you buy one of those little pint things of Ben and Jerry's Ice cream do you attempt to eat the whole thing?
Cuz I sure as hell do.
I know it has like 8000 calories but I'll be damned if I'm going to have a 25 gram scoop and call it good. I want to sit down with my cardboard container and a spoon, - no reason to dirty a bowl- and have a good go at it.
I do it like twice a year so no biggie, give me my ice cream.
Or when you have a TUB, er... container, at home? How big of a portion do you eat?
I always thought that my Ex was insane because of the amount of ice cream that he ate, or I guess DIDN'T eat. He would get out a bowl, get the big scooper and then put in like one half of a scooper ball into the bowl and call it good. Then he'd sit there for like 15 minutes and eat his itty bitty wretch of a scoop of ice cream.
OK so I know that's the way that we are SUPPOSED to eat high fat treats, just a little bit to savor, but whatever, fuck off I want a BOWL FULL.
Whenever I would get my Ben and Jerry's pint my ex would always want me to share it with him. A couple of times when he went out I asked him to pick up some and told him specifically to get his own damn pint cuz I want all of mine. And the BASTARD never would! He had no concept what-so-ever of how much it freaked me out for him to take his spoonful out of MY ice cream. Would it have been so hard for him to get his own????? Freak. So what of it if I can never finish the whole thing? Maybe I want to have the security that there will be enough for me there just in case.
He could eat an entire large pizza so it's not like he was mr. I'm-so-health-conscious-I-like-to-savor.
C. and I had ice cream for the first time together last week. He brought home a gallon of it for no particular reason. (good first sign) He's not a very big eater and not really into sweets so I was kind of surprised to even see him want ice cream after dinner.
So here came the test, and honestly I figured he would fail.
Oh how gloriously wrong was I !!! He got out the bowls and didn't even ask me if I wanted any, he just asked how much. Afraid of looking like the super freak that I am I asked for just a couple scoops. His reaction was priceless, first he hissed and then went silent for a couple seconds while giving me a dirty look before informing me that that is lame and that he's giving me more than that weather I like it or not. OH YEAH baby, give it to mamasita.
He brought me over a bowl that even I might be ashamed of scooping out and told me that I better not be lame and put any back.
This is one of the many reasons that we will be together forever.
Cuz I sure as hell do.
I know it has like 8000 calories but I'll be damned if I'm going to have a 25 gram scoop and call it good. I want to sit down with my cardboard container and a spoon, - no reason to dirty a bowl- and have a good go at it.
I do it like twice a year so no biggie, give me my ice cream.
Or when you have a TUB, er... container, at home? How big of a portion do you eat?
I always thought that my Ex was insane because of the amount of ice cream that he ate, or I guess DIDN'T eat. He would get out a bowl, get the big scooper and then put in like one half of a scooper ball into the bowl and call it good. Then he'd sit there for like 15 minutes and eat his itty bitty wretch of a scoop of ice cream.
OK so I know that's the way that we are SUPPOSED to eat high fat treats, just a little bit to savor, but whatever, fuck off I want a BOWL FULL.
Whenever I would get my Ben and Jerry's pint my ex would always want me to share it with him. A couple of times when he went out I asked him to pick up some and told him specifically to get his own damn pint cuz I want all of mine. And the BASTARD never would! He had no concept what-so-ever of how much it freaked me out for him to take his spoonful out of MY ice cream. Would it have been so hard for him to get his own????? Freak. So what of it if I can never finish the whole thing? Maybe I want to have the security that there will be enough for me there just in case.
He could eat an entire large pizza so it's not like he was mr. I'm-so-health-conscious-I-like-to-savor.
C. and I had ice cream for the first time together last week. He brought home a gallon of it for no particular reason. (good first sign) He's not a very big eater and not really into sweets so I was kind of surprised to even see him want ice cream after dinner.
So here came the test, and honestly I figured he would fail.
Oh how gloriously wrong was I !!! He got out the bowls and didn't even ask me if I wanted any, he just asked how much. Afraid of looking like the super freak that I am I asked for just a couple scoops. His reaction was priceless, first he hissed and then went silent for a couple seconds while giving me a dirty look before informing me that that is lame and that he's giving me more than that weather I like it or not. OH YEAH baby, give it to mamasita.
He brought me over a bowl that even I might be ashamed of scooping out and told me that I better not be lame and put any back.
This is one of the many reasons that we will be together forever.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Oops.
Oh lord I'm so embarrased. I forgot to do spell check on my last post and just NOW remembered. I kind of suck a lot at spelling and grammar and spell check helps me to not look like a freak.
Isn't that goofy if you really think about it though? I'll come here and write about some of my most personal dirty laundry and not think twice. But heaven forbid you guys know that I don't always remember i before e.
That's kind of retarded if you think about it.
Oh well, off to spell check.
Isn't that goofy if you really think about it though? I'll come here and write about some of my most personal dirty laundry and not think twice. But heaven forbid you guys know that I don't always remember i before e.
That's kind of retarded if you think about it.
Oh well, off to spell check.
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