Ok Sunday. We bug bombed, stashed our cats in our other car and went to the movies. When we came home there was a strange car in our parking space with two of our neighbors standing around it talking and a guy sitting inside of it all by himself with his windows rolled up.
All I could think was Holy Fuck are these people ALL freaked out by the cats in the car??? Oh. MY. GAWD!!! But turns out no. Turns out that this guy chino works with and has talked to a couple of times that we also saw in a bar the other night decided to pay us a visit.
But here is the thing - our new visitor? He's deaf. But not just deaf he doesn't know hardly any signs, just the alphabet. But the alphabet doesn't really help him much because he never really learned to read. He grew up really poor in Mexico and his parents didn't know what to do so they just did nothing and made him watch the family cows. He knows a few words of English and some REALLY REALLY basic Spanish. And like I said hardly any signs. I can sign the alphabet and this dude can do some crazy magical charades. OH my gosh if you pay attention and he goes slow he can give you a lot of information about his life just through his own personal form of charades. It's kind of amazing to watch.
But anyways our neighbors were all over there trying to figure out what the hell this dude was doing sitting in front of our house for or THREE HOURS. We thought we had made plans to go out with him next saturday but he thought we meant the next day. So he sat there and waited for us.
(By the way you might have realized by this point that you have been bamboozled cuz this post isn't really all that funny but I don't know what to do so I'm coming to my internet pals to dump this on and beg for advice. Just so you know, and I promise I'll go back to being funny tommorow.)
He and C. "spoke" at work a few times with their made up hand motions and some written spanish. And then after meeting ME at the bar and being able to communicate with me somewhat, apparently he has come to the conclusion that we are his new found saviors. He doesn't have any real friends, only his brother that brought him here from mexico like 10 years ago and of whom doesn't have any real interest in teaching him anything.
And the other problem??? He is Mexican, and has no english speaking friends or family but all of the sign books he has that he has been trying to teach himself are in english. He showed up at our house AGAIN last night because he STILL didn't understand that we wanted to go out Saturday. We had to get out a calender and teach him what the names of the week mean, so now he gets it.
Both times that he's come we all sit at the kitchen table and go over his book and he points to stuff in his book and we try our best between the two of us, my abc signs, english and c's spanish to help him understand what they mean. Food, baby and stuff like that are easy but try explaining the difference between regret and remorse. It took us a half hour to explain Noon, Mother, mistake, and random. Ok so we ended up giving up on random and I felt like shit.
He told us using his charades about seeing a car accident on his way to our house, more about his family and has mentioned again and again and again about wanting to have a family. That is his primary goal. He wants to find a woman and have babies. He wants to be loved. OH and damn it would you KNOW he's picky!! The man for all of is lack of knowledge is NO dummy he's freaking intelligent for sure and he wants a good woman. He wants her to be attractive and to not already have babies. That's nice but HOW THE FUCK is he going to DO that????
Granted he has a decent job, a car, he's decent looking, funny and REAAAALLLLY Nice but. . . oh well shit you KNOW. Anybody know any intelligent attractive women without babies that are looking for a severe fixer-uper???
On the for real front I don't know if they have sign language for spanish or if it's all the same or if he should just stick with the ASL (american sign language.) We have some college courses around here that teach ASL but they are for crackers like me that speak english and can read and shit. He needs somebody like Helen Keller or something and I'll be damned if I'm that person. I'm impatient and I suck ass a charades.
I'm going to do my best to do some research and try to find out what I can do to help but if anybody knows ANYTHING I'd appreciate the heads up.
This is a big ole mess I know, and I know that I can't take in every stray that comes my way but this one is a good one. He doesn't drink or do drugs or ask for ANYTHING but to have the chance to learn. But I'm not the right person for the job. How the hell do I find a modern day Helen??? Shit.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Monday, July 16, 2007
Ghetto Fabulous
Fuck fucking shit I HAAATE bugs! OH ew ew eeeeew. When I first moved into the Mexicans bachelor pad I soon came to realize he had (oh god I can hardly type it oh jesus) freaking cockroaches. And for honest to G-d fucks sake he didn't even seem to mind. I'm not sure how a sweet mostly intelligent guy can just not care but there they were in all of their horror.
Anyways I do believe I blogged about that experience and the massacre that followed. Yay!! bugs be gone.
Well I'll be shit fucked if last week I didn't see another one. WTF?? How is it that in 24 years of living I've never even SEEN one of these little bastards and now, in the last year I've had to deal with an out right infestation?? How??? Be shit damned ghetto I bet that's how. Everything is at the fault of the Ghetto. Whore.
OH OH OH!!! And I KNEW that if I saw one that that damn mexican would have too so I grilled his ass and lo-an-behold that little beaner had seen one TWO weeks ago. AAAHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEWWW. Oh oh no fuck ew fuck ew he didn't. And he had the audacity to tell me that he didn't mention it because he knew that I would freak out. Excuse ME???? I don't see anyone freaking out. Really what is he talking about? What-EH-ver. I see someone that doesn't want to live in a horror show and be killed by sheer terror of living with monsters or eating monster infested food, thank-you-very-much because bugs are monsters. Asshat.
Anyways I do believe I blogged about that experience and the massacre that followed. Yay!! bugs be gone.
Well I'll be shit fucked if last week I didn't see another one. WTF?? How is it that in 24 years of living I've never even SEEN one of these little bastards and now, in the last year I've had to deal with an out right infestation?? How??? Be shit damned ghetto I bet that's how. Everything is at the fault of the Ghetto. Whore.
OH OH OH!!! And I KNEW that if I saw one that that damn mexican would have too so I grilled his ass and lo-an-behold that little beaner had seen one TWO weeks ago. AAAHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEWWW. Oh oh no fuck ew fuck ew he didn't. And he had the audacity to tell me that he didn't mention it because he knew that I would freak out. Excuse ME???? I don't see anyone freaking out. Really what is he talking about? What-EH-ver. I see someone that doesn't want to live in a horror show and be killed by sheer terror of living with monsters or eating monster infested food, thank-you-very-much because bugs are monsters. Asshat.
LOOK at that picture. They have fucking skulls for faces. Monsters. End of discussion.
So anyways Sunday I plastic wrapped my fish and snail tanks, turned off all appliances and bug bombed our house with approximately twice the recommended amount of spray cans. Fuck it, either the fog kills them or it burns down our house just as long as they are dead. I can't be brought to care.
Oh and the cats? Yeah here's the AWESOME ghetto idea that my jumping bean came up with. Since they would get beat up and DIE if we left them outside for 2.5 hours he came up with the most brilliant idea of throwing their asses in our other car while we were gone. It was nice cool weather so I don't want any animal cruelty bullshit, they were fine.
I did feel slightly bad though when I went to take the big one (the one that got beat up by the ghetto cat last week) outside and SWEAR to God she grabbed on to the door frame with both front feet just like in a cartoon and tried her damnedest to hold on. Luckily I know this little walking trick called reverse. Silly kitty.
(Our house didn't burn down but I HAVE to tell you what we found when we got home cuz it's ghetto fabulous but I've already typed too much for people to read anyways so I'll see yall tommorra.)
Friday, July 13, 2007
OHFUCKOHSHITOHFUCKOHSHIT
Oh god oh shit oh man. I'm going to be o.k. It's going to be fine. I'm GOING TO KILL MY MEXICAN!!!!!!! (oh lord please don't let him get killed cuz it'll look like I for real did it)
Is there a limit as to what I will share with my internet pals? Guess not cuz here this shit comes. Oh fuck.
My Mexican and I were gettin it on all good 'n' freaky last night. YAY! It had been like 2.5 days cuz of his jobs so we were due for some spanish fly. Right so we had JUST JUST got started into the real deal after all the warm-up, we got like 40 seconds in and he quit. And I thought, oh good boy, yes let's do put the ole condom on now before we get too far.
But then I felt that thing that chicks can feel when dudes do their thang, and I looked up and saw his I'm-so-happy-but-shit-my-bad-it's-been-so-long-I-promise-I'll-make-it-up-to-you-in-5-minutes look. Oh the horror. He saw the look on MY face and said "Oops." "OHHHH I'm sorry." "I'm sorry."
I wonder how many people blog about the exact moment that they were knocked up? I have no idea for sure, but I'm kind of on the time cusp of maybe could, maybe not. So we'll see. Ohshitohfuckoshit.
Honest to GOD the first thing I thought after he said "Oops" was "Oh my God that will have been the FIRST thing ever said about our child." And then I thought about asking him if we could name it oops. Just the middle? But I didn't think it would be very appropriate at the time.
I have a prescription for birth control that I've been too lazy to fill for like a month and we always use a condom with spermicide. But last night? We only had regular condoms and SOMEONE FUCKING FORGOT that he needs to wear one! Oh my fucking shit gawd. So this is how people fuck up. I've always been a bit smug on that whole subject,
I mean REALLY how hard is it to just take proper precaution!?! It's NOT THAT FUCKING HARD!!!!
Well. Doesn't someone feel stooopid now? Why yes she does.
One screw up in my 8 years of gettin it on. And it WOULD have to be during a time of POSSIBLE fertility. The odds are against it happening but really? I live in the Ghetto and I think you become more fertile when you move to the Ghetto. Or maybe just more fucking SSTOOOPID!! *Ahem* Excuse me, that's not very nice.
It was truly an accident on his part, that at least I know for sure. He flipped out because he was afraid I might cause him bodily harm and promised that he didn't do it on purpose. Hell, I know he didn't, I was there I could tell. But I'll be damned if that fucker couldn't keep a smile off of his face at the prospect. Baby wanting to make bastard. Shit. Shit. Shit.
Well. If you'll excuse me now, I'm going to go into a flat out state of denial for the next couple of weeks and then hopefully have the honor to tell you all about my happy dance when I get my next "visitor."
At least he DID live up to his I'll-make-it-up-to-you-in-5-minutes-look. (with a condom for gods sake) Just because I might be royally fucked doesn't mean that I'm not gonna get MINE damn it.
Is there a limit as to what I will share with my internet pals? Guess not cuz here this shit comes. Oh fuck.
My Mexican and I were gettin it on all good 'n' freaky last night. YAY! It had been like 2.5 days cuz of his jobs so we were due for some spanish fly. Right so we had JUST JUST got started into the real deal after all the warm-up, we got like 40 seconds in and he quit. And I thought, oh good boy, yes let's do put the ole condom on now before we get too far.
But then I felt that thing that chicks can feel when dudes do their thang, and I looked up and saw his I'm-so-happy-but-shit-my-bad-it's-been-so-long-I-promise-I'll-make-it-up-to-you-in-5-minutes look. Oh the horror. He saw the look on MY face and said "Oops." "OHHHH I'm sorry." "I'm sorry."
I wonder how many people blog about the exact moment that they were knocked up? I have no idea for sure, but I'm kind of on the time cusp of maybe could, maybe not. So we'll see. Ohshitohfuckoshit.Honest to GOD the first thing I thought after he said "Oops" was "Oh my God that will have been the FIRST thing ever said about our child." And then I thought about asking him if we could name it oops. Just the middle? But I didn't think it would be very appropriate at the time.
I have a prescription for birth control that I've been too lazy to fill for like a month and we always use a condom with spermicide. But last night? We only had regular condoms and SOMEONE FUCKING FORGOT that he needs to wear one! Oh my fucking shit gawd. So this is how people fuck up. I've always been a bit smug on that whole subject,
I mean REALLY how hard is it to just take proper precaution!?! It's NOT THAT FUCKING HARD!!!!Well. Doesn't someone feel stooopid now? Why yes she does.
One screw up in my 8 years of gettin it on. And it WOULD have to be during a time of POSSIBLE fertility. The odds are against it happening but really? I live in the Ghetto and I think you become more fertile when you move to the Ghetto. Or maybe just more fucking SSTOOOPID!! *Ahem* Excuse me, that's not very nice.
It was truly an accident on his part, that at least I know for sure. He flipped out because he was afraid I might cause him bodily harm and promised that he didn't do it on purpose. Hell, I know he didn't, I was there I could tell. But I'll be damned if that fucker couldn't keep a smile off of his face at the prospect. Baby wanting to make bastard. Shit. Shit. Shit.
Well. If you'll excuse me now, I'm going to go into a flat out state of denial for the next couple of weeks and then hopefully have the honor to tell you all about my happy dance when I get my next "visitor."
At least he DID live up to his I'll-make-it-up-to-you-in-5-minutes-look. (with a condom for gods sake) Just because I might be royally fucked doesn't mean that I'm not gonna get MINE damn it.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
FUCK. Me. Wait No, I Can Do That Myself.
No not sex toys today. Just me BEING an Dildo. (ew that just put a weird icky picture in my head)
I started a new eating plan last week. Whatever right? Who didn't?
Anyways I was really into it, fruit/flax/soy smoothie in morning, brown rice and veggies for lunch, brown rice, beans and veggies for dinner. Snack? Fruit. I was actually happy for like 6 days and really enjoying the food. Honestly, I love some fresh summer veggies.
But then yesterday one of my co-workers brought in doughnuts. FUCK and they were my favorite! I figured I could have one and just skip some stuff later. (what the G-d hell I KNOW better!) One turned into two (omy fuck no they were bavarian creme!!) I didn't eat lunch (gee cuz the 200 calories from my veggies were going to matter at this point?) and ended up starving when I got home. That turned into me eating a white bread and turkey sandwich, and then some Cheetos and then a candy bar that was for some god forsaken reason in the house. And then some more candy.
I can't deprive myself of sugar and then fly off the fuck-up deep end and eat a shit load of it all at once. It sends me into I'm-a-super-dumb-ass-binge mode. I go insane. On the way home from work I forgot I was driving a stick and coming up to the first stop sign killed the car from lack of shifting OUT OF NEUTRAL!!!
And then I went to sleep. For real I've not been getting enough sleep so I figured fuck the whole day and went to sleep at 7:30.** Woke up this morning and the scale had jumped back up the 3 precious lbs that I had lost. Was it water loss in the first place or water gain today from the insane eating yesterday? OR how A-FUCK-BOUGHT my body hates me and turned it all into fat in a matter of hours because it hates me? How bought that? Seems the most likely really.
Today is a new day. Fuck yesterday it can suck my non-existent balls and die. Or no, how about yesterday can suck those GIANT ass balls on the rat in the picutre below. Holy SHIT those fuckers are huge.
**I'd like to ad a disclaimer that I do know that going on a psycho diet and depriving myself a lot of shit mixed with no sleep is a disaster waiting to happen anyways but this is how I chose to roll, my bad I DO know better.
I started a new eating plan last week. Whatever right? Who didn't?
Anyways I was really into it, fruit/flax/soy smoothie in morning, brown rice and veggies for lunch, brown rice, beans and veggies for dinner. Snack? Fruit. I was actually happy for like 6 days and really enjoying the food. Honestly, I love some fresh summer veggies.
But then yesterday one of my co-workers brought in doughnuts. FUCK and they were my favorite! I figured I could have one and just skip some stuff later. (what the G-d hell I KNOW better!) One turned into two (omy fuck no they were bavarian creme!!) I didn't eat lunch (gee cuz the 200 calories from my veggies were going to matter at this point?) and ended up starving when I got home. That turned into me eating a white bread and turkey sandwich, and then some Cheetos and then a candy bar that was for some god forsaken reason in the house. And then some more candy.
I can't deprive myself of sugar and then fly off the fuck-up deep end and eat a shit load of it all at once. It sends me into I'm-a-super-dumb-ass-binge mode. I go insane. On the way home from work I forgot I was driving a stick and coming up to the first stop sign killed the car from lack of shifting OUT OF NEUTRAL!!!
And then I went to sleep. For real I've not been getting enough sleep so I figured fuck the whole day and went to sleep at 7:30.** Woke up this morning and the scale had jumped back up the 3 precious lbs that I had lost. Was it water loss in the first place or water gain today from the insane eating yesterday? OR how A-FUCK-BOUGHT my body hates me and turned it all into fat in a matter of hours because it hates me? How bought that? Seems the most likely really.
Today is a new day. Fuck yesterday it can suck my non-existent balls and die. Or no, how about yesterday can suck those GIANT ass balls on the rat in the picutre below. Holy SHIT those fuckers are huge.
**I'd like to ad a disclaimer that I do know that going on a psycho diet and depriving myself a lot of shit mixed with no sleep is a disaster waiting to happen anyways but this is how I chose to roll, my bad I DO know better.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Mexican Sex Toy Revenge
Oh what fun I've been having lately with all of the trips to sex shops. YAY! What fun to have all of my toys and play with them too!
Oh silly silly girl you should have KNOWN it would come to an end.
Confession - My Mexican isn't as far on the ban-wagon about toys as I am. Well shit at least he WASN'T. In fact he was/is pretty damn intimidated by the whole me having a dildo thing. HAVE YOU SEEEEEEN A RABBIT toy? He hasn't yet, he's only seen my much smaller more vanilla toys and THEY freaked his ass out. He'd never even BEEN to a toy store. Shit!
(confession - I hid my jackrabbit in my lock-box)
I've been talking to him about toys and trying to get him used to the idea gently and telling him that "Why yes darling Man Of Men you satisfy my every womanly need, oh you stud you, blah blah blah." But your ass works 18 hours a day and I get bored with myself. See? It's not you it's me. I bore myself and I want toys.
I thought the subject was dropped until on our way back from Chicago this weekend and we passed the sex store billboard. He mentioned going and of COURSE I was all "Whoo Hooo!!" What a way to get him a little jazzed up right?
He casually glanced at all of the girl toys, outfits, (Bitch why didn't you buy me a dirty outfit??) had a slight heart attack about the gay men stuff, and asked me dead pan if I thought one of the EXTRA SUPER GIANT sized dildos would fit. IN ME!! I told him that they are novelty items but he seemed to think that they must be there for a reason and asked me AGAIN!! I had a hissy and asked him what the fuck HE thought. He started to get it and mumbled something about how women can have a baby come out so....just curious.
I was hoping to get more of a reaction from him out of seeing "The fist" but he really didn't seem fazed. WTF?? Whatever. Any-freakin-way when we got to the man toys he fucking lit UP! He was amazed at all of the different toys for men to jack to their cocks content in. It was like he had lived in a desert for 90 years and was seeing the ocean for the first time. He jokingly said "I'm going to get ME a toy." Haahahaha silly me thought he was making a joke about me having toys, so I said "Hey! Go for it, how fun!"
Turns out he was serious. Well. Hrrmph. Fine. If you think you need one. Whatever. I. Don't. Care.
Tables turned. Guess who DOES care? Guess who actually broke down and said what if it's better than me and you like it more because it's all super tight and ribbed and stuff? (You motherfucker I never would have had a second thought if you wouldn't have asked me if I could fit that giant dildo and made me start second guessing the super wonderfulness of my leeetle va jay jay you bastard)
Long story short (well not really) he ended up giving me the same spiel (that I give him) about how love always makes it better and that no matter what I could never be outdone by a toy.
So I feel a little better. Ok a lot better cuz he bought a cheap toy and I didn't tell him that if you buy a cheap toy it's going to be shitty. Yes that IS how I roll. And lo and behold he didn't really like it. Awww poor baby.
HA!
Oh silly silly girl you should have KNOWN it would come to an end.
Confession - My Mexican isn't as far on the ban-wagon about toys as I am. Well shit at least he WASN'T. In fact he was/is pretty damn intimidated by the whole me having a dildo thing. HAVE YOU SEEEEEEN A RABBIT toy? He hasn't yet, he's only seen my much smaller more vanilla toys and THEY freaked his ass out. He'd never even BEEN to a toy store. Shit!
(confession - I hid my jackrabbit in my lock-box)
I've been talking to him about toys and trying to get him used to the idea gently and telling him that "Why yes darling Man Of Men you satisfy my every womanly need, oh you stud you, blah blah blah." But your ass works 18 hours a day and I get bored with myself. See? It's not you it's me. I bore myself and I want toys.
I thought the subject was dropped until on our way back from Chicago this weekend and we passed the sex store billboard. He mentioned going and of COURSE I was all "Whoo Hooo!!" What a way to get him a little jazzed up right?
He casually glanced at all of the girl toys, outfits, (Bitch why didn't you buy me a dirty outfit??) had a slight heart attack about the gay men stuff, and asked me dead pan if I thought one of the EXTRA SUPER GIANT sized dildos would fit. IN ME!! I told him that they are novelty items but he seemed to think that they must be there for a reason and asked me AGAIN!! I had a hissy and asked him what the fuck HE thought. He started to get it and mumbled something about how women can have a baby come out so....just curious.
I was hoping to get more of a reaction from him out of seeing "The fist" but he really didn't seem fazed. WTF?? Whatever. Any-freakin-way when we got to the man toys he fucking lit UP! He was amazed at all of the different toys for men to jack to their cocks content in. It was like he had lived in a desert for 90 years and was seeing the ocean for the first time. He jokingly said "I'm going to get ME a toy." Haahahaha silly me thought he was making a joke about me having toys, so I said "Hey! Go for it, how fun!"
Turns out he was serious. Well. Hrrmph. Fine. If you think you need one. Whatever. I. Don't. Care.
Tables turned. Guess who DOES care? Guess who actually broke down and said what if it's better than me and you like it more because it's all super tight and ribbed and stuff? (You motherfucker I never would have had a second thought if you wouldn't have asked me if I could fit that giant dildo and made me start second guessing the super wonderfulness of my leeetle va jay jay you bastard)
Long story short (well not really) he ended up giving me the same spiel (that I give him) about how love always makes it better and that no matter what I could never be outdone by a toy.
So I feel a little better. Ok a lot better cuz he bought a cheap toy and I didn't tell him that if you buy a cheap toy it's going to be shitty. Yes that IS how I roll. And lo and behold he didn't really like it. Awww poor baby.
HA!
Monday, July 9, 2007
I Need a Fucking Sippy Cup
Damn it all I still haven't learned how to drink out of a fucking cup. I've spilled my green/white/black fusion tea on my t-shirt no less than 3 times in the last 20 jesus christ minutes. This is a daily occurrence and it is absurd.
My boss just told me to buy a straw, and that it would be a bit less conspicuous than a sippy cup. (cuz I told her I was gonna buy a sippy cup) I guess she hasn't noticed that I also knock over my giant glass covering my desk and lap at least once daily. (that whole I'm a retard clutz thing)
I've been considering a sports bottle for about a year now but damn it it'll be like $10 and the cups at work are free.
Yes. I'm that wretchedly cheep. I spent $168 on clothes and shoes this weekend, (And 70 on sex toys last week) but damn it the cups are FREE!!!
Too bad, I always loved my sippy cups when I was a kid.
Update: More proof. By 7:15 this morning I managed to once again spill my beautiful tea all over my desk. And the really bad part? I don't know how it happend. I just happend to look over from my computer - and there it was, cup on it's side. I want one of those cone things that Sparx mentioned. I think it might be time, like when an old person finaly has to give in and wear depends. No offense to old folk, when I get there I'm going to blog about how much wearing depends pisses me off and tell all of my horror stories of leakage. Cuz I'm cool like that.
My boss just told me to buy a straw, and that it would be a bit less conspicuous than a sippy cup. (cuz I told her I was gonna buy a sippy cup) I guess she hasn't noticed that I also knock over my giant glass covering my desk and lap at least once daily. (that whole I'm a retard clutz thing)
I've been considering a sports bottle for about a year now but damn it it'll be like $10 and the cups at work are free.
Yes. I'm that wretchedly cheep. I spent $168 on clothes and shoes this weekend, (And 70 on sex toys last week) but damn it the cups are FREE!!!
Too bad, I always loved my sippy cups when I was a kid.
Update: More proof. By 7:15 this morning I managed to once again spill my beautiful tea all over my desk. And the really bad part? I don't know how it happend. I just happend to look over from my computer - and there it was, cup on it's side. I want one of those cone things that Sparx mentioned. I think it might be time, like when an old person finaly has to give in and wear depends. No offense to old folk, when I get there I'm going to blog about how much wearing depends pisses me off and tell all of my horror stories of leakage. Cuz I'm cool like that.
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Ass Crack Waiter
I swear I've mentioned this before but I can't remember where so I'm posting about it anyways. Since the theme of this is me getting OLD I'm just gonna claim senility and go with it.
Since turning 25 I've been getting "carded" less and less. I've always LIKED being carded, and it's painful to have it sllowwwly wrenched out of my hands like sally struthers and a snack-ie cake.
Wait. Slowly? Never fucking mind that! C. and I went out to a nice restaurant like a month ago. It was our first venture to a nice place together (and the first in his LIFE for him) so we werefucking nervous excited.
What better way to loosen up then say, order a few drinks??? Why ssooortanley! As we were ordering I coyly got out my little purse to get my card and the waiter turned to me and said, I SHIT YOU NOT - "Oh....(shitty look as he onced over me again, and headshake) no, you're fine." Turned to c...... "But I'm going to need to see yours."
And that ladies, gentlemen and hors, was the end of my youth coming to a blunt screeching halt. I was bewildered as I watched chino scrounge around for his I.D. Gazed dazedly as the waiter put it practically up to his fucking snob nose and inspected every square inch of it, and FINALY announced that he was good.
Oh NO THE FUCK HE DID NNNNNOTT FUCKING just do that!! Dear Bitchcrack could you not have thought for a couple of seconds before throwing out a fiery dagger strait through my little moisturized, chemical peeled, microderm abased body strait into my heart? Huh dickwad?? HUH!?!?!?! WHAT THE GOD DAMNED FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! And to give me the withering, who are you trying to fool lady?, sick fuck look that you gave to me when I tried to hand mine over before you said anything?
Isn't your pay like 80% tips? Seems like you would think about that before throwing out a fuckwad comment like that.
I hope you go to hell and have to gargle Satan's cum after every time he fucks you in the ass.
Ok so THAT went a little far. I apologize, I don't hope he goes to hell, that's really not nice, and I'm honestly not that evil. (But I'm not backspacing it)
So anyways our food was good and maybe he's just stooopid or wasn't thinking or was having a bad day. I don't know but I still tipped him 25%. I read too much Waiter Rant (the blog), and I know that sometimes I have retard moments that I'd like to go back and shove a boot in my mouth, (every day) so I couldn't really bring myself to tip shitty.
So that's that. I kind of feel better now.
Douchebag.
Since turning 25 I've been getting "carded" less and less. I've always LIKED being carded, and it's painful to have it sllowwwly wrenched out of my hands like sally struthers and a snack-ie cake.
Wait. Slowly? Never fucking mind that! C. and I went out to a nice restaurant like a month ago. It was our first venture to a nice place together (and the first in his LIFE for him) so we were
What better way to loosen up then say, order a few drinks??? Why ssooortanley! As we were ordering I coyly got out my little purse to get my card and the waiter turned to me and said, I SHIT YOU NOT - "Oh....(shitty look as he onced over me again, and headshake) no, you're fine." Turned to c...... "But I'm going to need to see yours."
And that ladies, gentlemen and hors, was the end of my youth coming to a blunt screeching halt. I was bewildered as I watched chino scrounge around for his I.D. Gazed dazedly as the waiter put it practically up to his fucking snob nose and inspected every square inch of it, and FINALY announced that he was good.
Oh NO THE FUCK HE DID NNNNNOTT FUCKING just do that!! Dear Bitchcrack could you not have thought for a couple of seconds before throwing out a fiery dagger strait through my little moisturized, chemical peeled, microderm abased body strait into my heart? Huh dickwad?? HUH!?!?!?! WHAT THE GOD DAMNED FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! And to give me the withering, who are you trying to fool lady?, sick fuck look that you gave to me when I tried to hand mine over before you said anything?
Isn't your pay like 80% tips? Seems like you would think about that before throwing out a fuckwad comment like that.
I hope you go to hell and have to gargle Satan's cum after every time he fucks you in the ass.
Ok so THAT went a little far. I apologize, I don't hope he goes to hell, that's really not nice, and I'm honestly not that evil. (But I'm not backspacing it)
So anyways our food was good and maybe he's just stooopid or wasn't thinking or was having a bad day. I don't know but I still tipped him 25%. I read too much Waiter Rant (the blog), and I know that sometimes I have retard moments that I'd like to go back and shove a boot in my mouth, (every day) so I couldn't really bring myself to tip shitty.
So that's that. I kind of feel better now.
Douchebag.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
I Skinned my Knee trying to Kick a Ghetto Cats Ass.
Update again. She's back to being just stoooopid as usual and not being a crazy beotch any more. And I'm going to buy that squirt gun.
Update: My fat cat that got attacked has lost her mind. She thinks her sister is the one that kicked her ass and hasn't stopped hissing and growling for about 24 hours. Every time the little one walks by the big one goes into extreme defense mode and flips her gourd. And the poor little one doesn't get it AT ALL. I tried to put them together and show her it's ok but she went all stiff and catatonic (hahah pun) so I quit and now I don't know what to do. Too bad I'd rather be shot than call a pet psychic.
Sometimes on a nice day we open our door, leave it open and sit outside. The house airs out and my Kee-kats come out on to the little porch and sit and stare in wonder. They're house cats so being outside freaks them right the hell out.
Lately they've been getting a little braver and will venture out on to the grass. (but only under my supervision cuz there's a road) Think sweet cat pictures with butterflies and happy faces and gag a couple of times and you'll get the level of cuteness they aspire to playing around outside for the first time.
And then there are the Ghetto cats. We've had the same big male cat come up and spy on my beauties from a far for a couple of weeks now, every time they come out. My gals have all the brains and instinct of a cow so they're pretty much oblivious of him even when he's 20 feet away.
I thought maybe Mr. Ghetto was just tryin to seek out some new ho's and figured that he would at some point would realize that deez bitches neva come in heat because dae be fixed.
Anyways, yesterday we were doing our peaceful sitting outside thing and Mr. Ghetto cat started getting close. I thought (stoooooopid) oh how nice he's going to sniff noses and butts and try to whoo my bitches.
Fucking NOPE!! He got within 10 feet and my fat cat started hissing her ass off, (but didn't run, that's my girl!!!) And that fucking ghetto trash attacked her. Not nice, calm down bitch I'm just tryin to check out cho merchandizze fighting, but for real they were SCRAPIN. I've never heard such noises in my life and I flipped out and ran up to the big ball of fur and scary-ness and started to scream and stomp. Yeah, that did a whole lot. But eventually mr. Fucker saw me and freaked out and ran off a little ways.
My girl ran into the house like fucking greased lightning and I decided to take off after Mr. Ghetto with the magazine I was holding in my hand. I'm not sure what the hell I was thinking but I'm pretty sure if I would have got close enough I would have hit him with it. (I was a little flipped out, forgive me ok?) Anyways he ran across the street and was heading to go under somebodies house and I circled around to cut him off. He was a bit dazed and I was for real gonna get close enough to at least THROW my woman's day magazine at him. (for real what good did I think that would do?) But just as I got close he sprinted right and I went to cut his ass off and didn't realize that there was like a FUCKING STUMP sticking up out of the ground and well yeah, I sort of ran into it and fell down and rolled a couple of times and ripped my jeans and skinned my knee.
Fuckers lucky I'm a clutz. Just sayin. N-E ways by this point some of C's friends had showed up and got to witness my beautiful grace and were laughing their asses off at me.
S'okay, I'm used to it, tuesday I tripped over a LAWN MOWER at work in front of my boss and 3 co-workers. I turned around and just didn't see it ok??
So. Lesson learned. - Don't be a douche bag and think that Ghetto folk have good intentions. Idiot. And for the thousandth time watch where you're putting your feet.
Update: My fat cat that got attacked has lost her mind. She thinks her sister is the one that kicked her ass and hasn't stopped hissing and growling for about 24 hours. Every time the little one walks by the big one goes into extreme defense mode and flips her gourd. And the poor little one doesn't get it AT ALL. I tried to put them together and show her it's ok but she went all stiff and catatonic (hahah pun) so I quit and now I don't know what to do. Too bad I'd rather be shot than call a pet psychic.
Sometimes on a nice day we open our door, leave it open and sit outside. The house airs out and my Kee-kats come out on to the little porch and sit and stare in wonder. They're house cats so being outside freaks them right the hell out.
Lately they've been getting a little braver and will venture out on to the grass. (but only under my supervision cuz there's a road) Think sweet cat pictures with butterflies and happy faces and gag a couple of times and you'll get the level of cuteness they aspire to playing around outside for the first time.
And then there are the Ghetto cats. We've had the same big male cat come up and spy on my beauties from a far for a couple of weeks now, every time they come out. My gals have all the brains and instinct of a cow so they're pretty much oblivious of him even when he's 20 feet away.
I thought maybe Mr. Ghetto was just tryin to seek out some new ho's and figured that he would at some point would realize that deez bitches neva come in heat because dae be fixed.
Anyways, yesterday we were doing our peaceful sitting outside thing and Mr. Ghetto cat started getting close. I thought (stoooooopid) oh how nice he's going to sniff noses and butts and try to whoo my bitches.
Fucking NOPE!! He got within 10 feet and my fat cat started hissing her ass off, (but didn't run, that's my girl!!!) And that fucking ghetto trash attacked her. Not nice, calm down bitch I'm just tryin to check out cho merchandizze fighting, but for real they were SCRAPIN. I've never heard such noises in my life and I flipped out and ran up to the big ball of fur and scary-ness and started to scream and stomp. Yeah, that did a whole lot. But eventually mr. Fucker saw me and freaked out and ran off a little ways.
My girl ran into the house like fucking greased lightning and I decided to take off after Mr. Ghetto with the magazine I was holding in my hand. I'm not sure what the hell I was thinking but I'm pretty sure if I would have got close enough I would have hit him with it. (I was a little flipped out, forgive me ok?) Anyways he ran across the street and was heading to go under somebodies house and I circled around to cut him off. He was a bit dazed and I was for real gonna get close enough to at least THROW my woman's day magazine at him. (for real what good did I think that would do?) But just as I got close he sprinted right and I went to cut his ass off and didn't realize that there was like a FUCKING STUMP sticking up out of the ground and well yeah, I sort of ran into it and fell down and rolled a couple of times and ripped my jeans and skinned my knee.
Fuckers lucky I'm a clutz. Just sayin. N-E ways by this point some of C's friends had showed up and got to witness my beautiful grace and were laughing their asses off at me.
S'okay, I'm used to it, tuesday I tripped over a LAWN MOWER at work in front of my boss and 3 co-workers. I turned around and just didn't see it ok??
So. Lesson learned. - Don't be a douche bag and think that Ghetto folk have good intentions. Idiot. And for the thousandth time watch where you're putting your feet.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Icky Porn Shop
I think I've established the fact that I like sex toys and sex shops. (no movies thanx) BUT. I've come to realize that I've been a wee bit spoiled in the sex shop department. Not far from me we have a nice toy/movie shop. It's clean, not dingy or icky, the management hires non scary people and there are no peep shows or creepy rooms in the back.
So yeah, when I went to a different place for the first time I was WWAAYY blown out of the water. This place named "TheVelvet touch" is honest to goodness painted a bright purple on the outside. Purple will never be the same for me. When I walked in the door I had a LOT of shit go through my head really fast. Something like this. -
1. "It's so small!"
2. "Why is it so dark in here?"
3. "Where are all the toys?"
4. "Holy fuck those are the coolest boots EVER!!" (they had some kick ass stripper boots)
AAAAAND
5. "What is that girl doing?" I watched a woman dressed in a tiny top and tiny-er skirt be-shoed in stripper shoes walk by us in the dark cramped space and take a seat in the corner up on a small stage. One chair, one small stage, one chick. Just sitting there. I didn't get it, there was a guy behind the counter why would they need a second employee and why would they make her dress like that (she didn't have the body for it anyway) and why is she sitting in that chair???
And that was that for the moment. I took my incredibly naive ass around the store and tried my best to find SOMETHING fun or cool. Mainly I just mooned over the stripper shoe/boot case. I've got sort of a thing for platforms. I'm short, it's not my fault.
After a couple of minutes a guy on crutches came in and went up to the counter to talk to the guy. They joked around for a minute and then short fat crutches guy went though a door in the back that I had not previously noticed. And then the girl followed him back there.
? (still didn't really get it)
I looked around for a bit at the few toys they had collecting dust on the walls, getting kind of pissy and not understanding why there was so little merchandise. And then the woman and the guy came out TOGETHER like 8 minutes later. He looked real happy and immediately left and she went back to her chair.
? ? ? "HolyshitOMGholyshitohshitohshit" HEY!!! DING ding ding!! My brain finally caught up with the situation.
I'd never seen a prostitute before and I sort of couldn't believe that there was one within 30 minutes of where I lived. I got out of there so fast you'd think my ass was on fire.
When we got out to the car I turned to my boyfriend at the time and started going off "Holy Shit! Oh my GOSH! Did you fucking SEE that?! Can you believe it!!??"
-"What?"
"That girl!"
"What about her?"
"What do you mean?!! She's a PROSTITUTE!!!"
"No she's not"
"Oh my GOD yes she was!!!" "What are you retarded or something????" (he was)
"No I think they do massage there. Duh that's why they call it "The Velvet Touch."
I can't go on, my idiot of a boyfriend was a complete tard/asshat and wouldn't believe me. A massage? Dressed like that and for that amount of time? Nothing I said could get him to come to terms with it.
Dummy.
It still creeps me out to think about that place and it's still there. Ok and I have a sick sick curiosity that makes me want to go back and see if it's changed any.* AND buy those stripper platform shoes. They were hot.
*(but if I went back, and there is still a chick in a chair I won't be able to stop myself from starting up a conversation with her and asking WAY too many questions and if she's nice I'll try and save her and get her a job somewhere else and take her to church and shit) (and then my ass will get thrown out of the shop and I'll call the newspaper or something insane so I think I'll sort of not go back)
So yeah, when I went to a different place for the first time I was WWAAYY blown out of the water. This place named "TheVelvet touch" is honest to goodness painted a bright purple on the outside. Purple will never be the same for me. When I walked in the door I had a LOT of shit go through my head really fast. Something like this. -
1. "It's so small!"
2. "Why is it so dark in here?"
3. "Where are all the toys?"
4. "Holy fuck those are the coolest boots EVER!!" (they had some kick ass stripper boots)
AAAAAND
5. "What is that girl doing?" I watched a woman dressed in a tiny top and tiny-er skirt be-shoed in stripper shoes walk by us in the dark cramped space and take a seat in the corner up on a small stage. One chair, one small stage, one chick. Just sitting there. I didn't get it, there was a guy behind the counter why would they need a second employee and why would they make her dress like that (she didn't have the body for it anyway) and why is she sitting in that chair???
And that was that for the moment. I took my incredibly naive ass around the store and tried my best to find SOMETHING fun or cool. Mainly I just mooned over the stripper shoe/boot case. I've got sort of a thing for platforms. I'm short, it's not my fault.
After a couple of minutes a guy on crutches came in and went up to the counter to talk to the guy. They joked around for a minute and then short fat crutches guy went though a door in the back that I had not previously noticed. And then the girl followed him back there.
? (still didn't really get it)
I looked around for a bit at the few toys they had collecting dust on the walls, getting kind of pissy and not understanding why there was so little merchandise. And then the woman and the guy came out TOGETHER like 8 minutes later. He looked real happy and immediately left and she went back to her chair.
? ? ? "HolyshitOMGholyshitohshitohshit" HEY!!! DING ding ding!! My brain finally caught up with the situation.
I'd never seen a prostitute before and I sort of couldn't believe that there was one within 30 minutes of where I lived. I got out of there so fast you'd think my ass was on fire.
When we got out to the car I turned to my boyfriend at the time and started going off "Holy Shit! Oh my GOSH! Did you fucking SEE that?! Can you believe it!!??"
-"What?"
"That girl!"
"What about her?"
"What do you mean?!! She's a PROSTITUTE!!!"
"No she's not"
"Oh my GOD yes she was!!!" "What are you retarded or something????" (he was)
"No I think they do massage there. Duh that's why they call it "The Velvet Touch."
I can't go on, my idiot of a boyfriend was a complete tard/asshat and wouldn't believe me. A massage? Dressed like that and for that amount of time? Nothing I said could get him to come to terms with it.
Dummy.
It still creeps me out to think about that place and it's still there. Ok and I have a sick sick curiosity that makes me want to go back and see if it's changed any.* AND buy those stripper platform shoes. They were hot.
*(but if I went back, and there is still a chick in a chair I won't be able to stop myself from starting up a conversation with her and asking WAY too many questions and if she's nice I'll try and save her and get her a job somewhere else and take her to church and shit) (and then my ass will get thrown out of the shop and I'll call the newspaper or something insane so I think I'll sort of not go back)
Monday, July 2, 2007
This is the day that I wasn't picked last.
Mountain Mamma (link at bottom of page) gave me that pretty new badge that you see you your right. EEEEEEEEEE!!!! She's one cool ass mom. She's deaf and she talkes about what it's like for her in a hearing world being a mom. PLUS she's funny and knows how to make homeade jelly so really, what's not to love. Someone gave it to her and she chose 5 other chicks to give it to. I know it's not a Bloggie, but damn it she could have given it to like 100 people but no, only 5 and I got to be one of them. I'm so happy with my little badge I could just shit. So that's that. :)
I get to pass this on if I want. But I've been freaking out for like 20 minutes, (swear to god) about how I would go about doing it. I'm the type of person that CAN'T do this sort of thing. I do not have within me the ability to give praise to a couple of people and leave others out. I always got picked second to last in school (last if that other kid didn't show up) in gym class and I refuse to pick and choose from the bloggers that I love to read. Fuck that I'm not doin it.
I'm sorry but I CAN'T. Not even joking. How would I choose from Cruiser, Sassy, Krissie, Sparx, Ho-Kay, D. the orig. hor, The oversixty lady, and even though my BFF Jaybird only has like 3 posts on her blog how could I not choose my BF???? And what about Travis? I don't care if it makes me a bad person to not pass on the joy but I wouldn't be just passing on joy I would also be not "picking someone for the team."
Ok so I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I'm just one little blogger that doesn't really matter but damn it I could hurt like 3 peoples feelings and I won't do it.
Why was I always picked second to last? (or last if the poor retarded girl wasn't there) I was horribly "shy." At the time they didn't know about anxiety disorders so I was labeled as "oh she's so shy isn't that cute." Not so much. I was "shy" and my parents dressed me funny. God damn it mom and dad why the hell did you dress me like that?????!!!! I didn't own a pair of jeans until the 7th grade. And I didn't have skirts or dresses or khakis so really what did that leave me with? Weird clothes.
I tried my best in high school but by that time I was already ruined by my parents and I didn't have any siblings to look to. I think that's why I'm so nuts about looking nice now that I'm "grown up." Thankfully I've watched enough "What not to wear" to last a lifetime and I've learned the fine art of thrift shop shopping and watching sales at the dept. stores. Even though I buy WAY too many clothes I don't make myself go broke anymore like I did when Jaybird first intro'd me to Old Navy.
Swear to God if my Mexican manages to knock me up my baby will be in Abercrombie or what ever the fuck that shit is from the day it's born.
Ok so this wasn't my usual fare, my bad I'll be back with the funny shit tomorrow. I'm going to post about the time I went to a SEEEEEDY "toy" store. *shudder*
I get to pass this on if I want. But I've been freaking out for like 20 minutes, (swear to god) about how I would go about doing it. I'm the type of person that CAN'T do this sort of thing. I do not have within me the ability to give praise to a couple of people and leave others out. I always got picked second to last in school (last if that other kid didn't show up) in gym class and I refuse to pick and choose from the bloggers that I love to read. Fuck that I'm not doin it.
I'm sorry but I CAN'T. Not even joking. How would I choose from Cruiser, Sassy, Krissie, Sparx, Ho-Kay, D. the orig. hor, The oversixty lady, and even though my BFF Jaybird only has like 3 posts on her blog how could I not choose my BF???? And what about Travis? I don't care if it makes me a bad person to not pass on the joy but I wouldn't be just passing on joy I would also be not "picking someone for the team."
Ok so I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I'm just one little blogger that doesn't really matter but damn it I could hurt like 3 peoples feelings and I won't do it.
Why was I always picked second to last? (or last if the poor retarded girl wasn't there) I was horribly "shy." At the time they didn't know about anxiety disorders so I was labeled as "oh she's so shy isn't that cute." Not so much. I was "shy" and my parents dressed me funny. God damn it mom and dad why the hell did you dress me like that?????!!!! I didn't own a pair of jeans until the 7th grade. And I didn't have skirts or dresses or khakis so really what did that leave me with? Weird clothes.
I tried my best in high school but by that time I was already ruined by my parents and I didn't have any siblings to look to. I think that's why I'm so nuts about looking nice now that I'm "grown up." Thankfully I've watched enough "What not to wear" to last a lifetime and I've learned the fine art of thrift shop shopping and watching sales at the dept. stores. Even though I buy WAY too many clothes I don't make myself go broke anymore like I did when Jaybird first intro'd me to Old Navy.
Swear to God if my Mexican manages to knock me up my baby will be in Abercrombie or what ever the fuck that shit is from the day it's born.
Ok so this wasn't my usual fare, my bad I'll be back with the funny shit tomorrow. I'm going to post about the time I went to a SEEEEEDY "toy" store. *shudder*
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