Relinquish Mattress Hallelujah

I keep a window of Microstoft Word open at all times on my computer.

When I comment on other blogs I don't want to look like the complete illiterate tard that I am, so after I finish typing I run through my comment and throw anything I'm unsure about through Words wonderful spell check.

I'm too lazy to delete anything so words just kind of pile up on there as the day goes on. Anyways this morning at work I pulled up my word box from yesterday (cuz I was over blabbing to Sassy) and the title of this post is what I saw.

I don't have much going on today so I figured I would share with you all just how easily I can be amused - I giggled all alone for a good minute on this one.

BTW I don't want to hear any shit about not being able to spell mattress. Anything with double letters or the possibility of double letters fucks my shit up.

I'd like to give a BIG OLE shout out to UPS!

It starts with "FUCK" and ends with "YOU." Wait, well I guess that would be the entire thing. FUCK YOU!!

There, don't I feel better.

This is the SECOND time in a row that I have used thier online package pick-up and deliver service. (at work) And for the second time IN A ROW no truck has shown up.

I called this morning to see wtf and I followed my usual rule of being polite and cheerful because I know that it's not the fault of the lady on the phone.

I calmly and profesionaly explained that we were supposed to have a truck come yesterday, one never showed up and that I needed some assistance in getting one here.

The lady on the phone then proceeded to tell me that my package had already been picked up. Gee. Ummmmmm well that's funny because I'm LOOKING AT IT RIGHT NOW! But I know she was reading from a screen telling her so. So I politely informed her once again that no, I'm sorry it's still here.

At this point this bitch (why yes, she is a bitch now, not a lady) proceeded to give me a lecture about being carefull when we put multiple packages out on the dock because it can confuse the driver and they might take the wrong one - which she is sure what happened yesterday.

What? WHAT THE FUCK??? I only had ONE FUCKING PACKAGE in the first place you SKANK! And if I DID have more than one package those fuckers JOB is to differentiate between package A and B. Gosh OH NO!!! What if there is a package C!!! What will we DO?!?! The sky will fall!!!

No! You dumb bitch those drivers do a damn good job, they can figure this shit out just fine thank-you, it's your companys STOOOPID fucking worthless website that fucks things up. Your website that didn't forget to CHARGE us even though it was never going to send a truck.

So FUCK YOU and your panty waste whored out syphilitic website!

Ok I don't usually double post but I just read about This FUCKING GRIM REAPER cat And I'd just like to say FUCK THAT SHIT. If that bitch came near me I'd be calling 911 to get my ass out of there and into a real hospital. OMG.

Hal-lay-lu-shja HALAYLUSHJA !!

C. and I have been church shopping. -Gigantic disclaimer to follow-

Yes I DO realize I probably seem to be one of the most non-christian bloggers you read. But hey, maybe it's us heathens who need it most. I USED to be very active in the church and honest to goodness still have my faith. But yes, I AM one shitty Christian, don't worry I'll be the first to admit it and for sure the LAST one to EVER get up on a soap box and start preachen to yall. I'm really not into being labeled as a hypocrite. The end.

An-y-ways. I REALLY love the baptist church that I've been going to since I was 16. It's awesome but the thing is that after moving it is now 30 minutes away. AND Sunday is my only day off - hence my only day to catch up on sleep. Yes. I am THAT much of a bastard to not want to get up early to go see Jesus.

SO! We have been shopping around locally and tying to find a church close to home that is what we need it to be. Last week a friend of C's at work invited him to her church. She said that it is a Spanish speaking church but they have an English translator. I thought OH WOW how coooool! And THEN he told me that it is a Pentecostal church. Oh. Kaaayyyyyy?

I reminded him about some friends of his that are Pentecostal. (since when the hell did all of the mexicans switch from Catholic to Pentecostal btw????) No offense to his friends or their religion, for gosh sake to each his own and all that but I distinctly remember him saying that they were CU-KOO one night after we had them over for dinner and they described all of the wailing and fainting and demons OUTing that they love to participate in 4 times a week.

I asked him what he thought the difference would be. AH HAHAHAHAH silly boy, he said that she TOLD him that their church was almost the SAME as my Baptist church. OH hhohohho hahahaha silly silly boy. He had no idea what us church folk will do to get YOUR ass in OUR pews. Ah ha, my naive little sheep.

We did agree to try any place ONCE and go with an open mind so what the heck we went for it. (ok and the draw of the bilingualness of the place was a HUGE plus)


It started out ok, everyone was very nice and calm and quite welcoming. I WAS the ONLY white person in attendance but the pastor made sure to come up and tell me that they would be translating for me and not to worry. I sort of don't like having attention called to myself AND I really didn't want them to go out of their way for ONE person but they were quite intent on it. OMG the translator looked at me the whole time, like eye contact and EVERYTHING. Gufaawwww how the cracker did turn red. Oh! And the title? Halaylushja? Mexicans apparently have a hard time with the actual pronunciation and this is the version that they came up with. Every time they said it I smiled and realized that I was taking myself one step closer to hell. Ah well it was funny.

We sang some songs - well they did cuz I don't know any spanish Jesus songs - and everything was actually seeming pretty cool and normal. AND THEN! We finished and the Pastor started to pray. -

-Baptists are of the coolness that when you pray you can do what ever you want, bow your head, lift your hands, look up to the heavens, what ever floats your boat. We do our thing, listen to the pastor pray, try to put in our two cents (silently in our head) and say Amen when he's done. Everyone stays silent accept for like two people in the back who will throw in an amen or hallelujah once in a while.

But when this guy started to pray and C. and I silently bowed our heads THIS church came a-freaking-live. They ALL started speaking or making noises of their OWN all at the same time and all while the Pastor got louder an louder and more animated. The louder he got the louder and wilder they got. I actually looked up and around thinking - SHIT!- what the heck?? Translator?? Where did you go? C. had no idea they were even praying, he popped his head up and just started looking around like - "What happened?"


Next we moved on to some preaching. It was loud and a bit wild but they spoke the truth and I got the message. Good deal.
Moving on to Prayer Time again. At this point they asked people to come up to the front of the church so that they could pray at the alter and the pastor and his pals could help you out with that. I saw the dude grab some anointing oil and thought in my head Holy Roller batman the show is going to START!!


Poor baby C. It was like a bad car accident and he couldn't look away. When people started gyrating and shaking he looked at me and practically POINTED like - ARE YOU SEEING THIS??? When they started to WAIL and scream and chicks started dropping to the floor like flies (fainting) he went really still. And just stared. I just kind of looked around the room and glanced over once in a while. I didn't want to be a rubbernecker like my leetle friend. At one point he actually turned to me and told me that he was scared. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHHHAHAHH Oh God thank you for helping me not laugh at him. OH hahaha ho ho heeeeeeeee cuz his sweet little self was serious and it would have been pretty mean. Poor baby.


I looked over once and noticed that they were covering up the fainted chicks with bath towels (????) and once again almost laughed out loud, so I figured I better go back to staring at the poster on the wall.


C's friend from work came back and practically BEGGED him for us to come up to the front so the whole church could pray for the new people. Bless his heart he was very calm and polite in his no-thank-you's. If he wouldn't have been scared I would have messed with his ass and pretended like I wanted to go up. OH well maybe another day. *snort snort*

2.75 hours after we arrived we were finally set free. PHEW!! And on Monday? Want to know what that leeetle beotch told his friend at work why we wouldn't be returning??? He told her that I, I ??? was a little freaked out.

Dork.

I Was Robbed.

For real like not even a joke and I'm such a naive cracker I didn't even GET IT at first.

I came home yesterday and noticed that our back door (which is always locked) was open. I honestly thought "Huh, that's weird it must have popped open." And proceeded to try my damnedest to get it to close. Over and over again I tried and finlay decided to inspect the lock to see if it was jammed or something. Swear to God I noticed that the door jam seemed bent out of shape, didn't miss a beat and went back to trying to get the door closed. A few seconds later the possibility slowly started to hit upon my rock of a brain.

Common Sense -"Knock Knock"

Brain - "Whaat?"

Common Sense - "Got something to tell you"

Brain - "Gawwwdd WHAT??? Can't you see I'm busy?? I'm trying to get this damn door to close, it's warped or . . . . Oh."



Me - ?? Nuh-Uh. I glanced around again and saw nothing out of place. At that point I walked into our bedroom and saw that my special night time clothes drawer was pulled out and placed on our bed. Another drawer was pulled out and left open. "Oh."

At that point I walked around the house and checked everything out to see if anything else had been disturbed.

OH MY FUCKING GOD I DIDN'T THINK for like even TWO FUCKING seconds that a scary cracked out murderer might be hiding in the house. WHAT IS WRROONNGGG WITH MEE?????? When we watch DVD's at home I am the "Black Lady in the theater" and start talking shit about stoopid bitches like me in the movies. "Ooooo whould you look at that dumb bitch? Mebee her implants done cuf off the cirkulation to her fuckin head. Dumb bitch walkin round like that. Gonna get her ass keeled that's what she's goan do."

Nothing was out of place except the drawers so I thought maybe c. had come home at lunch and was searching for his I.D. He's always loosing it and he keeps it in the drawer next to mine so I don't know I thought maybe he was on a wild search or something.

I left my cell phone at work so I couldn't call him right away. The damn door was for real busted so I got some string and tied the handle to a nail in the wall and drove back to work to get my phone. Yes that's right I have NO CLUE what his # is and I don't have it written down anywhere. Yes. I KNOW ok??? I get it now.

So I called C. and asked him if he broke into the house. Nope. AAAANDD commence mega mexican tizzy. Holy damn.

Turns out that I never got around to depositing his cash from the checks that he cashed this weekend and in his sock drawer there was $700. Oh. My bad. I went back to check and HIS drawer was still closed. Well too bad the money in it was gone, but really how cordial of the thief to put C's socks neatly back in and close the drawer. Why the fuck he couldn't put MY drawers back is beyond me but what ever.

Fucking FUCK I feel so stupid. When I first moved in my first order of lady of the Ghetto was for him to install a deadbolt on the front door. The back? Never even considered it. It's way up off the ground and has no steps going up to it. PLUS it is in open view of 6 other houses. Thanks a lot neighbors, really fuck you all too. I just never really thought about it. Fuck? Fuck.


That door now has TWO dead bolt locks thanks to my handy little bean eater. Check out my sexy "Paint" skillz of my rendition of how our ghetto door would look if I was REALLY let loose with the door locks.
Sorry but I got in a hurry and didn't put up any curtains.

Thank goodness the took the money and ran. OMG we had car keys on the table, ALL of my personal info just sitting about, my SSN CARD laying on my desk. My guitar, my violin that I've had since like the 8th grade, my jewelry (ok my pretend jewelry but it's sentimental damn it) CD's neatly in a portable case, blah blah list goes on. So yeah it could have been REALLY bad. Everything is nice and tucked away in a safe right now and my bigger stuff is actually in MY CAR at work with me that will be transported to a safer dwelling tonight.

One with hillbillies and guns and knives and dogs. Yes I DO love my parents. Anything that we don't NEED to live is going to the "safe house" until we get our asses out of the Ghetto.


I TOLD him that we live in the Ghetto. I TOLD him that we need to move. He believes me now, how very smart. AND I think I might be able to work this into getting a dog. Sweeeeet.

Phisical Fun Had By All

To keep my class A drivers license I have to take a physical every two years and YAY!! And yesterday was the day!!

Aaaakk I forgot all of the insane things they do to a person. First thing they did when I walked in was hand me a little cup and asked me to pee. WTF?? It wasn't a drug screen so I didn't know I'd have to pee so I peed before I went to the apt. cuz everybody knows that you have to wait like 2 hours in the aptly named "waiting room." Why don't they call it the "Wait two hours past your apt. time and piss you off royally while sick people spread ebola and the black lung all over you room???" The room with all of the great magazines that I REALLY want to read but refuse to because fuck that I'm not getting strep throat or herpes or something.




Anyways, oh yeah the peeing in the cup thing? I CAN'T pee under pressure. I just fucking can't do it unless I'm about to die of an over filled bladder. The nurse told me to drink TWENTY of the little pee cups filled with water. What? Did I type that she told me to DRINK out of the PEE CUP?????? Ok so I KNOW that it was a clean cup but just the thought of drinking out of the cup that I was soon going to piss in just kind of grossed me out. And TWENTY?? Fucking twenty cups?? She said that if I drink that much it would push through my system by the time the physical was finished. And does anyone need a reminder that there is NO COLD FUCKING WATER in a doctors office??? Luke warm at best. After about 10 cups of luke warm pee cup water I ALMOST puked and said fuck it and just quit.

Anyways I'm all pukey and in walks the doctor. Thank you God she was nice because I'm an idiot and I'm not good at being touched by strangers. First off the knee reflex hammer that makes me giggle cuz it feels funny and strait into the running a wooden stick along the bottom of my feet that REALLY tickled - btw what the FUCK is that one all about??? She tickled the bottom of my foot with a tongue depressor and then just threw it away. What the HELL did that TELL her? YES I'M ticklish didn't you figure that out with the hammer test??? GAWD and on we went to lay back so I could pull up my shirt *squirm* so she could poke my tummy and make me laugh some more and at one point have to stop and wait for my crazy ass to stop giggling so she could continue. AAAAND on to placing hands in rather uncomfortable places and making me cough - at which point I go silent and ridged - giggling OVER.

The worst part being over, all she had left for me to do was touch my toes with out bending my knees Ahh ahahahahahahha arent't you a SILLY doctor?? How bout one hand at a time? I can do that.


Great. Done. Oh. You STILL need me to pee? Shit. I went to the bathroom and tried in vain for a bit and came back out to sit in my usual retard-can't-pee-chair and have everyone walk by and ask me what I'm doing sitting there and then walk by me again and again and stare at me like the freak of nature that I am -


-all while having my bladder slowly fill up to the point to where my clenched urethra can no longer fight the DON'T PEE THE WORLD WILL EEEENNNNDDDD signals from my brain and I can squeeze out a few drops for the vampires of piss.




Yay! I got my card and drove to the nearest gas station - yeah because THAT'S the ideal place to pee -ack- but at least in the comfort of a gas station with no one waiting to steal my pee my brain can finally let loose and allow me to go and not DIE from a busted bladder.


If I have the hiccups all I have to do is close my eyes and think about them stopping and immediately they stop. I tried to visualize peeing yesterday and my brain told me to fuck off. That's bullshit. That's really bullshit.

Mexican Sex Revenge Part Two

Sometimes that Mexican can really teach me a lesson.

Last night I decided to get me a piece of my sweet Spanish Fly. Ok not much new with that. Anyways, we were doing our thing getting started and SOMEBODY was a little over zealous about having some special attention paid by me to his LEETLE FRIEEEND. I was feeling goofy and thought it would be just the bees knees to have a little fun with him.

When I went on down to say hello I scrunched up my nose, made an icky face and sniffed. "*Sniff sniff*, *nose scrunch*" "Ew." He just looked at me. " *sniff sniff*" "It smells fishy what did you DO??"




Hear me out! I figured he would do exactly what he does when I tell him his feet stink (and THEY DO.) He always gives me a dirty look and say's "No they don" And I say yes they do and tell him he's nasty, then he laughs at me tries to shove a sock in my face and say's "Jew know jew liyyke eet!" We laugh, there is much sock shoving, play wrestling everyone is happy and we move on. Ha ha, fun is had by all - la-dee-da.

OKAY!! Not so much in this situation. Who knew? He looked at me for a bit. . . Silence. And then DEAD PAN, "Dat's ok sometimes you smell too."

*insert sound of car crash and my little world coming to a complete stop, gravity letting loose and everything flying off into space* Yes, what ever sound that might make. OH THE HORRRRROORRRR!!!

What?? My wonderful botanical garden of everything sweet and nice?!?! My ever so carefully showed, groomed, buffed, and lovely scented and flavored with Jessica Simpson edible lotion for special occasions WITH sparkles and peppermint at ALL TIMES special place of all that is wonderful? OH. my. God. Ohmygod?? Oh. Dear oh my. How could it be?? This Hor's pride and joy CRUSHED in 6 words.

DESERT TREATS!!

"But I was just kidding."

*horrible pout of crushed soul*

"Jyeah I feeegured, and me too, but jew have to know how eeet feels."

"You were kidding???" *insert the sound of hope, angels singing and my world starting to turn again*

He laughed at me, smiled and said "Jes of course, I don't keees tings dat smaale."

Oh. OH WELL THANK FREAKING GAAAAWWWD. Because I think I'd need counseling. For heavens sake I'm practically OCD about the state of my little place of everything that IS wonderful and sweet.

Hell I could be a slogan for a toothpaste commercial - "Sparkling Fresh."

He's lucky he didn't let me stew for more than about two seconds because I'm not sure if I would have died from embarrassment or my head caving in, really I just can't decide.

Punk. Lesson learned and point one for you.

Punk.

I GOT MINE!!

I was a little jealous of all the blogs I've been reading lately about people getting weird ass phone calls. Not even going to lie. But HEY!! Two nights ago I got one. And I sort of could have done without it.

A bill collector called our house. Thankfully not for MY ass.

"Hello is Kachika Harem there?"

"Who?"

"Kachicka."

"No I'm sorry nobody lives here by that name."

-his tone of voice goes into shitty mode at this point-

"Uh huh." Is this ____ _____, Mi?"

"Yes"

"Is this #_ _ _-_ _ _ _?"

"I don't know, I just moved here and I don't know my number yet."

(Ok so I didn't JUST move there but I don't know our number because I ONLY use my cell phone. And it was at this point that the guy started to go wacky.)

-voice raised, a bit of anger - "Right so you're trying to tell me that you just moved there and you don't even KNOW your OWN phone number?" "Is that REALLY what you are trying to tell me?"

"Yeeeess?"

"Oh please that's just.." And that's the point where I cut him off because I was pissed at him for insulting me and said -

"Excuse me? ....." I just moved here and you're going to be RUDE to me and INSULT me because I don't know my phone number, AND I'm not even the person you're LOOKING for?!" -he tries to interrupt me and yell at me but I was pissed and ignored him- "You know what?" "Fuck You!"

He started yelling at me but I hung up the phone. I know that the conversation seemed a bit short but he was really really rude and I didn't feel like taking it.
He called me back in about a half second.

Me - "Hello?"

-Yelling- "If you EVER speak rude to me like that again I'm going to come up there and I'm goint to" He scared the shit out of me because I knew he was going to say something crazy and I was afraid he was going to say he was going to kill me or something so I didn't let him finish and just screamed "FUCK YOU!!!!!!" and hung up the phone.

He called back AGAIN so I just picked it up and put it down. I went and made sure all our doors were locked cuz I was afraid some crazy guy was going to come and beat me up or something and then I went back to the phone and did the *69 thing that tells you what number called you last.

And YAY! They are not blocked, I got the number, the date and the exact time of the phone call.

I keep trying to call back so I can speak with someone about what happened but always get a busy signal. Fuckers. I'll get to it somehow.

I know it wasn't cool to say fuck you but he was goll darn rude and insulting. AND it's his JOB to do his thing and be professional and not just start yelling and then threatening people. That's not cool.
So, - FUCK YOU YOU BLEEDING ASSHOLE SON-OF-A-SYPHILITIC-METH-CHUGGING-CRACK-WHORE!!!!!!

-No offense to syphilitic meth chugging crack whores-

Kuck-OO WhOOps!!

We had a customer come in yesterday that is so loud and condescending that after she left I went back to my boss (that really can't stand the lady) and said, " Holy crap I don't even like that woman!" My boss replied that if I don't like someone that they've got to be REEAALLLY bad. (cuz ok I'm friendly, whatever)

Right before that I was talking with a co-worker about eating and mentioned that I'm really not a picky eater and will eat anything except guts.

Anyways, those two things sort of hit me as funny and all at once I started to bust out laughing because I realized that I'm like a stray dog. As long as you don't beat me or yell at me, and if you feed me, I'll pretty much like you no matter what. It would happen that I was filing paperwork in the next room over from my boss (all alone) when I decided to have my giggle fit, so well ya know that kind of sux cuz people tend to think your crazy for that sort of thing.

CUCK-OO!!!!!!


And I couldn't really explain my stray dog theory to my boss cuz I don't think it sounds nearly as funny out loud (or written for that matter) as it does in my head. Oh well she probably thinks I'm batty for liking everybody anyways.

AAAANNDD this morning my co-worker microwaved some generic dollar store baloney for a sandwich and it smells like a dead body and dog food in here. My boss "yelled" (not really she was just messing but thank god anyways) at him so he sprayed half a can of air freshener (that smells like rotten fruit) and now I'm sitting here in a horrible funk with all of the doors open and honest to god trying not to puke my granola bar up. Honest to goodness one more thing and I will loose my cookies. And THAT freaks me out because I'm not sure if it is really THAT revolting or god what if I have morning sickness or I'm pukey because I really am prego.

Ok that's enough. I didn't have a set plan today so I just rambled and I'm not sure if that was such a good idea but hell I'm too nauseous to think clear so I'm just I'm going to spell check and print. Can I take "the" test yet? Google here I come.

Nice little G-rated Rosie the new found hor tagged me. I always do tags but rarely tag anyone else cuz I don't want to piss anybody off. Except this time I'm tagging TRAVIS because he's a dirty little bitch and made fun of me for being tagged again. (omg I found this picuture on the burning man website and I'm oddly turned on by it so I figured I'd share, (sorry to the strait guys) but for real click on it to enlarge cuz it looks better and enjoy)


So here we go.

4 things that should be removed from the face of the earth:

Bugs. Deja-vu anyone? And no I DON'T care if they take care of decomposing like everything and play so many important roles in the ecosystem, this is a tag so I can say what ever I want - and I say they can all go to hell.

Telemundo. - If you've never heard of it I envy you. It's a spanish/latin/mexican fuck if I know the politically correct word for it but it's a giant beaner network on t.v. Every program is either like Passions with a mix of slapstick or some horrible game show with one friggin hoochie after another lined up to bounce and talk to the SUPER hoochie host that either talks like a man or a two year old girl. They also have comedy variety shows that end up being a horrrrrrrrrrible rendition of SNL mixed with the 3 stooges*, abbot and costello*, I love lucy*, the Red Green show (god save us all on that one) and fucking Barney all whipped up into a nauseating confection that makes me want to pull out my hair aaaaaaaand guage out my eyes.

What's next... ah yes disease. And no I don't care if there would be too many people left on earth and it would get too crowded because maybe the people that don't die would be smart enough to figure out how to colonize the oceans or the moon or something without fucking everything up so piss off.

Lastly, - Hate. That would be a nice one, we could all just get along and sing songs and hug trees and smoke a lot of weed because I also removed disease. Look at this fuckin hippie I bet HE doesn't hate anything. Well maybe except for vaginas but whatever, what ever floats your boat.


3 things people do that make you want to shake them violently:

- Lying
- Judging without just cause or getting to know the situation first
- And those fuckers that can NEVER fucking EVVVERRRRRR make a decision about where to eat or what to do. "I don't know, what ever you want to do." And then aren't happy with what you choose. FUCK ALL OF YOU PEOPLE I HATE YOU.


2 things you find yourself moaning about:

- Very small penises - it's really a shame
- Big penises - cuz MMMmmmmmmm


1 thing the above answers tell you about yourself:

- I don't know, how about you all tell me.


*nothing against these shows I'm just trying to paint a picture I fuckin love "I love Lucy."