Runnin Low Folks - Help Your Hor

*********Update - Awwww you all REALLY came through!! I'm surprised at how much you came up with! - Not in an insulting way but a happy way ya know?? So THANK YOU all very much!!*********


No not money, I'm not the kind of person to ask for that, not there is anything WRONG with asking for it but I've got too much pride, well, not that someone is asking can't have pride, so maybe I'm vain, or something, ya know I could continue this sentence and dig myself into a big ole mess and have everyone hate me because I tend to babble my way into things like that or I could just backspace. But I'm too lazy so just never mind the whole thing.

Anyways I'm busy with a lot of stuff - yes, I know, aren't we ALL, but I'm busy to the point where my little mind isn't functioning to the point of creativity. Well, I think it COULD be creative, but I'm out of ideas, and the more I try to come up with stuff the farther away my brain freaks and tells me to run away and that it is vital to my existence that I go "LALALALALALALALALA" with my ears covered and then go shopping online and forget that I have a blog.

But I like my blog. And I sort of don't need to be shopping online.

SO!! I come to you, pride and dignity cast aside, and ask for your help. I fucking HATE the term "Brainstorm" FUCK FUCKITY I hate that word, so I won't ask you to do it, but if there's anything you'd like a sort-of-sometimes-funny-hor to babble on about I'd love to hear your ideas. Anything Sexual you'd like some info on? Anything you've been wondering about or have a curiosity about?? (awwww fuck, I just came up with something, FUCK YOU "brainstorm." but it's just something small, so never mind, continue) Maybe just throw out some sexually related words and it'll spark my mind, or a situation, or SHHHIIIITTTT I can't even come up with the right words to ASK you to ask me for.

I'm not drunk I swear.

Is this the most pitiful thing you've ever witnessed? A blogger admitting writers block and asking for ideas? I mean really.

Help

I'm OK

Okay so everybody's already done this so I'm basically steeling from, everyone, but the last person I saw do it was DRIVING DAMN IT I've been wanting to do this since before I even HAD an MP3, ya know cuz I'm a dork. SO, here it is, MY MP3 Player Fortune Telling Experience: (YAAAYYY!!!!)

(Put your MP3 player on shuffle.2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.3. You must write the name of the song no matter what. No cheating!)

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY?” YOU SAY?
"Like a stone" – Audioslave - yes cuz I’m always coming up with the newest coolest sayings, how perceptive of you MP3, good start.

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
“The voice within” Chistina Aguilera - I think it's saying I hear voices, that's not nice.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
“Open Your Eye’s” - Alterbridge – I do like an open mind


WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
"Any Man Of Mine" – Shania Twain - Why YES, to train my man to be just like this song is on that list. Very goooood MP3, my pet.

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"Love’s Embrace" – Christina Aguilera - I am very loving, yes yes (and not at all full of myself)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
“Voodoo” - Godsmack – ahahahhaha Jaybird and I have been known to dabble in our day. Gufaww

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
“Crazy” Patsy Cline - why yes, I do try and figure out if I’m nuts sometimes. (p.s. Thanks Again for stealing that for me KRISSIE :)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"Deny" – Default ??? Don't be an asshole MP3, get with the program.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LOVE?
“Unwritten” - Natasha Bettingfield - He sure is, but we’re starting to write together. (and commence GAG, i know, i know)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
“Don’t” - Jewel - Nah, just the opposite ;)


WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"Labios compartido" (Lips Shared) - Juanes - MMmmmmm Yes, I do like to share my lips. Mmmm ALLL of them ;)


WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LOVE?
"Three Marlenas" – The Walflowers - He really would take care of me just like in the song. (gag again, sorry)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
“Way Back” – The Wreckers - Are you saying I’m OLD MP3?? I’ll kick your ass.

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Making Memories of Us" – Keith Urban - EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! That one IS ON MY LIST!! (and NO I DON'T care if everyone plays it, well, all the hillbillies at least)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
“How Bizarre” - OMC - ahahahahahahahahahahahah

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"Morning Song" – Jewel - It IS a song about being in bed ;)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
“Probably wouldn't be this way” - What you tryin to say MP3? Youz gotta problem?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
“Hard To Love You” – The wreckers - Quit it MP3, you’re gonna get my ass in trouble.

WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
"I’m Ok" - Christina Aguilerra – Oh NICE, that’s not gonna freak people out at ALL. And why does my MP3 Play Mrs Sexy Aguilera like ALL the time? Not just today but like all the time. Must be a man.

Walmart Check Out People Should Keep Their Damn Mouths Shut

Dear Old Lady check-out-person at Wal-mart the other night,

No, I still don't want a Wal-mart credit card (wtf? for real?) stop asking me.

I really did appreciate it when you pointed out to me that I had the same style of work-out pants in two different sizes. Like for real I AM a dummy like that and it would have sucked ass to come back and return one of them.

But here's the thing badalax, when I told you that I wanted the LARGER sized blue pants I didn't need for you to raise your brows and assume that I must have meant the smaller yellow pants. You made me tell you TWICE in front of other people that why YES I do have a ghetto butt and need the bigger pair. Thanx for that.

As if that weren't enough I REALLY REALLY didn't need you to stop what you were doing, look me over and ask OUT LOUD for all to hear - "YOU wear a LARGE??" "Are you SURE??" "Did you even try on the Medium to see if they would fit you better?" "I think the medium would fit you better." Yeah, you were calling me smaller and that's cool but you made me announce that NO, No lady, I need the fatty size, Thank You.

I wanted to explain to you that I had got the track pants from the teenie-bopper section of the store and their sizes are a tad different than regular womens sizes and that I was damn happy I could wear them at ALL, but I had already been put on display enough for the amusement of the elderly woman behind me and the lady with 6 dirty children in one cart behind her. Oh and not to mention the hot bagger guy. THANX A FUCKING LOT LADY.

I was on my way to the gym and decided that to boost my confidence I needed a new outfit, what I didn't need was a crack head old bag embarrassing the shit out of me and making me publicly proclaim that my lovely ass is indeed a large. Really, that helped out a WHOLE LOT when I got to the crowded gym and had to get on the FIRST row of treadmills so that the row in back could all get a good view of my non-medium-teenie-bopper-wearing-ASS.

Sincerely, Your Assilicious Customer,
HOR

P.S. Today is the One year anniversary of my Blog. Holy cow I didn't even realize. It all started with JV from http://15minutelunch.blogspot.com/. I was bored and some random google search led me to his site. I learned all about what a blog was and spent 2 full weeks at work reading his ENTIRE site. I wanted to comment so I signed up and Google gave me my own blog along with the commenting privileges. I stared at the blank page for weeks before I typed a single word. Gufawww I didn't want to screw it up - oh ahahahahahahah.

I had no. freaking. idea. that I would turn into a blog-freak but here I am and here you are reading it. I don't care if it's geeky or nerdy or needy but my life has been greatly enriched by this and so many other blogs - well, really, the BLOGGERS.

Exercise Depression and Sex Drive

For real, exercise does make my brain happy and I'm betting for some other women or men out there that it could help them lift their mood and randy-up as well. Let the Hor share with you for a moment. This is real stuff but it is related to sex in a way and damn it if I can help even one person in the whole world or at least try, then this will be worth it. Okay.

I have one of those nice little chemical imbalances in my brain that if goes untreated dumps my ass right off into the land of depression. For years I was in a steady fog of slump and dump on the inside - but tried my best to appear upbeat and peppy for my friends and family. But I was an unhappy hor and the result left me in a place where I didn't want *gasp* SEX. During those years I was living with a supreme bad-guy and I thought my mood was sort of due to my situation with him. Eventually though, I succumbed to the Zoloft commercials and went to my doctor who quickly threw a bottle of pills at my ass.

Zoloft left me with a TEENSY side effect - I COULD NOT ORGASM. OMG right? Not that I was on the sex-train class A as it was but that stuff shut me OFF even when I DID want to work it on out. For real it kind of left my vajayjay. . . not numb, or totally off. . . but I guess with just a limited range of feeling that in NO way could lead to orgasm. So for 6 weeks until I threw my ass at the mercy of the doctor I went without ANY orgasms. Oh my GAWD it was frustrating!!

So back to the doctor I went and she chucked TWO bottles of pills at me, told me to mix them, and asked me to report back if I could O. I still couldn't O. LAAAAMMMEEEE. But I DID feel better in my head and it was sort of a hard decision to go off of them again so that I could have sex with my partner. Luckily though, at the same time as the last set of pills were ending up I had gained enough confidence and heart (truthfully from the help of the pills) to start exercise. I was 100 lbs overweight at the time and the start was painful and hard to keep going but I was determined like never before. I was doing some really fun exercise and my girlfriend was doing it with me and the last of the happy pills got me through the start of the dreaded first 2 weeks of exercise.

After I was DONE with THOSE pills my doctor wrote me a prescription for some others but I never got around to filling them, I was just so frustrated ya know? What I didn't realize at the time though was that the exercise that I continued to do even after the pills was keeping my serotonin (that lovely chemical my asshole brain fails to make enough of) AFLOAT!! At the time I was so happy to be losing weight (20 lbs dropped of quick!) and feeling better about myself in general that I didn't even realize that even without the pills I was back to being HAPPY and OK and alright with the world. Why yes I AM rather dense.

The more I exercised the more I lost weight and GAINED confidence and a better view of the situation (the monster) I was living with. I eventually left him and swore to myself that I would never put myself in a place like that again. I would no longer be taking shit ANY KIND OF SHIT from any man.

I moved out, got my own place and started jogging and then running. I of course kept losing weight and I honestly attributed my elevated mood to that and the fact that I was no longer living with the guy - that would lift anyones mood ya know?

But then I got super busy with work and family and my exercise routine was thrown to the side. It didn't take but maybe a week and a half and I was already falling down-in-the-dumps again. I lost my sex drive again and I was right back into depression land, but this time I had no REASON for it. It sucked!! Thank God above though, I remembered reading over and over in magazines and books that exercise is supposedly able to lift the drag of light depression. I had one of those light bulb moments in life and thought back to all of my off and on times with exercise and the correlating moods and holy-shit-sherlock there was a pattern.

SO. From then on I never went back to the pills and totally relied on exercise. AND. IT. WORKS. For me - I'm not saying that this can work for everyone or that I'm against pills - I'm just telling you that for SOME people it does work. Since then I've had my ups and downs, every time I lose track of exercise I'll be down in the dumps in about a week and thinking to myself "Why do I feel so LAME? Why do I not want to have SEX???? What the shit???" And then my brain kicks me in the ASS and reminds me that DUH asshole you've been LAZY. And then I kick myself for going too long without some exercise even though I KNOW what will happen to me. And then I start working out again and all is right with the world. (and I get Horny again!! YAY)

It takes every other day of exercise or all week and the weekends off or some sort of combination of that, just not going more than 4 days off for me to keep my mood elevated (and my pants off ;) .) I'm still losing weight so it's important to keep going and I hardly even think about the mood aspect of my jogging. But it's there and it's HUGE and it's changed my life. I hope that when I reach my goal weight I won't go lazy and want to slack off because I'm hot. The doctor told me that the pills I took would be a lifetime deal and the exercise is as well.


Whenever I slack off on exercise I lose my Sex drive - it's usually the first KICK to my duuhhhhh brian that reminds me to get back to running. And whenever I get back on the wagon I bring my Lady Flower with me. I owe my Vagina's happy orgasmic life to exercise, for without it she would be dormant. And THEN where the hell would I be? What would I do without the urge to use my beloved toys and my MAN and where would I be if I couldn't come here and obsess over all things SEX?? Thank You exercise - your a real bitch sometimes, but thank you.

Past Lover Fantasies

Sometimes I think about a couple of really REALLY like the oh-my-gawwwwd-really awesome sex sessions that I've had in the past, you know, like, when I'm getting it on with my man, or alone. But those sex encounters weren't with him. I love my man like bonkers and he does a great job in the sex department, but. . . But there were a couple of times in the past, actually a couple of penises in the past, that were just - amazing. I didn't have LOVE with those penises so it wasn't the same and my mans penis can be great but . . .

Aw shit I'll just come out with it. One of the penises was LARGE and it was just really awesome. The other super-penis was quite small but it had this really great angle to it so that during chair sex or girl-on-top, my god it would hit my special spots like nothing I could have imagined, it was so freaking INTENSE.

This fantasizing has been happening more frequently over the past couple of months or so and it's started to kind of bother me. We've been having sex for almost a year and a half and all of a sudden this stuff just POPS up. I understand that after time has gone by in a committed relationship that things can get stale or same-ole-same-ole, but I worry that it shouldn't have happened so soon. Most of the time I'm fine and dandy but sometimes I really am BORED with it and the use of making up fantasies or re-thinking past encounters has really come in handy.

But it's only been a year and a half! What happens when I get bored with thoughts of my past encounters and what if I run out of fantasies??? (is the last one possible though? not sure) What if this stuff only works for another six months and then I get bored with THAT? What the hell will I do for the next 30 YEARS?

I want my most amazing sex encounter to be with MY MAN, the man that I love and will be with forever. Maybe we should go on a position tour and try every single one but with slight differences until I find one that hits the spot like that angled-penis of my past. That could be good right? And it would certainly burn some time I guess.


LOL I hope the magical position isn't something like reverse-cowgirl in the bathtub on tuesdays with with one leg behind my head and a hand on his face. Or you know, something inconvenient like that. That'd suck

Circumcision and the Two Pump Chump

I wonder if there is a connection. I pondered the whole cut or not to cut part of my future child's dong off (circumcision) a few months ago and came to the conclusion that if I ever get knocked up and have a boy that I'll leave his shit alone. I read too many horror stories about doctors cutting too much and causing painful erections for guys later on in life because the didn't have ENOUGH skin to stretch out. That and I read that's it's just not DIRTY like people say it is.

Plus being the lover of all things sexual how could I even consider cutting off something pleasurable from my own offspring? Poor little dudes, I could never cut off an extra inch of skin from their pleasure pole. (Ewww gross I don't want to think about a kid I don't even have, having sex, this is going too far)

So anyways I was set to Let. It. Be.
But then.
I read one more thing about how guys WITH their foreskin intact are more "sensitive" down there than guys who got chopped. Something about how it was MEANT to be covered up and the guys that got whacked have to go through life slightly de-sensitized because their shit is always hanging out and rubbing all over stuff.

ACK!!! God I couldn't imagine my clit going through even a DAY, an HOUR with out her hoodie. Just ow.

So yeah, at that point I was even MORE convinced on my view.
But then.
I remembered the 2 Pump Chump.
My only experience with a non-cut man.
Oh.
O.k.

He was VERY sensitive down there.
SOOOOOOO very sensitive that he would blow after about 6 seconds the first round and MAYBE he'd be able to hold out for 40 seconds on the second go-round. And the third? Well let's just say he never really got passed the 60 second mark no matter how many times he could go. Actually he could keep up the pace on a good day for a good 5 orgasms on his part, but instead of being like other guys where after a time or two they can just keep going but not come any more, HE would just go limp. He was ALL or nothing. And I was ALL sorts of pissed.

So now it makes me wonder, are a lot of un-cut guys REALLY sensitive down there? (why am I using "down there" like I'm five today?) DICK-SCHLONG-COCK. There I feel better.))

Would I be sentencing my future unborn yet-to-be-conceived child that may or may not be a boy to a life of pre-ejaculation? I could not have a pre-ejak for a son. I would scar him for life telling him to "think about baseball" and buying de-sensitizing creams for him and his wife on their wedding day. I'd feel terrible for him and offer to pay to have him circumcised.

AHHH but maybe it's not EVERY un-cut guy. That would be silly right? Wouldn't I have HEARD about this??? SHIIIIIITTT and now I can't do any proper research because I've got this whole only-a-hor-to-one-guy-THING going on for me. Having only ONE experience to go on is not enough to make a LIFE-ALTERING decision for my child that doesn't exist yet (I like to think ahead and be prepared ok?) so I need you guys. (Gals)

TELLLLL MEEEEEE !! Have you been with an un-cut who was a 2 pumper? An un-cut that was super-duper? Have you noticed a trend with either type of man? Do tell bloggers, the future of a yet-to-be-conceived-penis is depending on it.

Thank You.

Year End BASTARDS

Year End has made everyone go insane. Therefore I have an equally insane work load. I want to BLOG YOU BASTARDS!! I laid awake last night just thinking up blog entries and am trying to figure out a way to post from the damn fucking LIBRARY this weekend so that you won't all hate me for never posting. Work is a beotch but I've got to pay for my Ghetto home and my Ghetto Slut cars.

I miss you dirty hors, Happy New Year ok?

Ok. I'll be back.

A Laugh at My Expense

For those of you who've got some experience here's a giggle and for those that don't, here's some "advice." Gather round chilins while ye ole hor tells you about an early experience with sex that led to my first experience with the lady flower doctor.

Have you ever "lost" a condom? Sometimes shit just happens for some reason or another and a condom CAN fall off of a guy and end up in the hither-to-regions of the lady-parts. The first time it happened to me and my-partner-at-the-time we completely freaked. We were inexperienced and stoopid but mostly stoopid and we totally flipped.

My fingers weren't long enough to reach far back enough into my lady flower to capture the sought after rubber - at least I don't think. I say "think" because back in those days I was nervous and a bit squeamish about digging around in my lady parts. I guess we all start somewhere. I got my partner to go spelunking for treasure with his much longer fingers but HE couldn't find anything either. Them be some sneaky buggars them rubbars. (GAAARrrr I feel piratey.)

At that point we did a frantic search of the area thinking maybe it had flown off somehow and landed underneath the bed or amongst the covers. - Nope - So back to digging for treasure. Nothing. NOW, at this point we SHOULD have just laughed, went about our business, resumed activity or whatever else and just plain waited for things to "Come on Down!" Yes chilens, if you wait a bit things will sort themselves out - for the dim folks like me out there - if you wait, the condom will. come. out. PLUS there is this neat little thing called the cervix (the back wall of your vagina) that keeps foreign objects from finding their way up into your guts. It's a nice little door with a great bouncer that really only opens up to let babies out. Ingenious.

But I didn't KNOW that at the time. Well, I knew about the cervix but I didn't know that the condom would find it's way home. Soooo we called my doctor. (we were really freaking by this point, and we were young, but yes, you may start laughing now) We spoke to a nurse of whom COULD have told us just to calm down and wait things out, but NOOO, NOOOOOO nurse idiot ran with our freaked-out-ted-ness and told me that it could cause an infection if it didn't come out and that she could get me in for an emergency appointment in like 3 hours. Oh. MY. Gaawwwd, I can be half dead of strep throat and those bitches won't be able to get me in for a WEEK and she could get me in, in 3 hours for a missing CONDOM? In hindsight I guess they must have been having a rare, slow period, but at the time it only added fire to the pile of idiot that I already had going.

So yeah. We (yer damn right I made his ass go) went to the doctor, I had my first shoe-horn experience and she plucked the buggar out in about 4 seconds flat. Of course seeing our high level of inexperience and retardedness the doctor figured we could use a good sex a-talkin-to. She actually brought out a MODEL of the vagina and pointed out to us the cervix and the fact that the condom wouldn't have ended up in my uterus. (oh my gawwwwdddd that was embarrasssiiinngggggggg) SHE also informed us that the condom would have most likely come out on it's own and the the BIG SCARY infection the nurse mentioned wouldn't have taken place for quite some time. (thanx nurse BEOTCH!) She widdled down our previous fear and molded it into a lovely statue of hang-your-head-down, put your tail between your legs, and head on home - shame.

She's my lady flowers regular doctor now and we're pretty cool. I actually SWITCHED from my other doctor. My other doctor is very smart but also young and hot and it would freak me out to have a hot chick up in my flower. I prefer the older lady even though she knows I used to be an idiot. There's just something comforting about the fact that I know for-a-fact she was my gramas doctor too. If she was rooting around in my 89 yr old grama then I'm pretty sure nothing I've got going on is gonna freak her out. But she DOES still treat me like a retard sometimes. (all things considered, maybe that's not such a bad thing)

SASSY AND KRISSIE

I'm a bastard and never send out cards. For real I don't even send out Christmas Cards to my family. I tried to one year and actually had them filled out and in envelopes and everything but three years later they were still in my desk. I thought about sending them out THAT year but after going through them and realizing that half of them were out of date (people died, divorced, pets died) I figured that my self-drawn family caricature portraits just sort of wouldn't go over well any more. Nothing says Merry Christmas like seeing a caricature of your dead cat and beotch of an ex-wife.

BUT!! This year I've actually found a couple of gals that if I could have got my act together I sort of really would have liked to have sent cards to. And in FACT they actually sent ME cards. (because they're not deadbeats like me)

SO! Since it's way to late for my stuff to get to TX and Krowayshuh I've decided to follow suit on Krissies Birthday Card and keep em homemade. So here's to SASSY and KRISSIE
The superest of gals :)



THE FRONT

THE MIDDLE


AND THE BACK

Don't be shocked but I didn't "Paint" the back. I know, my skillz ARE super, but I wanted only the best for you :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRISSIE!!!!!

I'm a retard and didn't send a REAL card so I made you a Paint card. Here's the front -

Here's the inside.




And here's the back. Sorry it doesn't say Hallmark on the back but I figured you'd get over it. :)

Happy Birthday Darling!