Fancy Panties

Picture it: JC Pennys – 6p.m. – 3 weeks ago. Me, buying fancy schmancy new under-roos for when I go to mexico and see my man. They had a 5 for 25 deal, it was great, and I spent a good hour picking out 5 pairs (okay 6 I couldn't’t decide) of draws to cover my ass.

Anyways, you guys know about my ass situation right? We’ve covered this before (ha ha pun :PPP) It’s big, I’ve got a ghetto booty, hell a ghetto ass – it’s lovely and quite coveted by my Mexican let me tells ya.

But the thing is though, with allllll of this ass that I have, it takes a tad more fabric to cover than say you’re average super waif model, like, you know, for real. It’s always been a bit embarrassing for me to tell you the truth, I feel like a gigantor when I buy my pretty panties and I try my best to do it discreetly. I go so far as to fold them in half, stack them neatly and have just the price tag sticking out for their scanning convenience. And try and cover the view of them with my body. And make cringey faces to show my discomfort. So when Mrs. JC Penny decided to air my new purchases for all to see, it was a moment I’ll not soon forget.

She picked up each pair of cutsie panties, shook them out like you would a shirt before folding and the HELD THEM UP IN THE AAAIIIRRRR at like, head level, to inspect and admire and comment on. Uh. . . ???? And the thing is we’re not talking just regular pretty panties – no – we’re talking lacy-see-through-tiny-not-EVEN-gonna-cover-my-cheeks- panties. Okay and two THONGS as well, one thong of which a lady 2 people back in line felt the need to tell me was quite pretty. I believe it was hot pink with electric green lace. Yeah, uh, thanx.

After she held them up in the air for all to see my chosen fancys she then laid them out flat on the counter stretched out in their full sized glory for all to see that I was buying big pretty panties. I guess they could tell WHY because I was sort of carrying my ass with me at the time, but I don’t know, there’s just something about them seeing my foot of fabric laid out flat screaming “BIG OLE FRIGGIN BOOTY” that makes me cringe. Sue me, I’m a prude hor.

Mrs. JC Penny then needed to ask me if I required a gift receipt. What? They never ask me that, do I not LOOK like the type to wear hor under-roos? Did she think they were to big for me and I was giving them to someone else? Did she think that buying 6 pairs of fancy panties was too much for one regular gal and that they were for a bachelorette or something? DID SHE NOT SEE MY ASS???

Turns out she does this quite regular. I told my boss about it and my boss said that Mrs. JC Penny is always in there at night, and always does that to underpants. Who knew? Sure as hell not me.

Life Uncommon - Jewel

Don't worry mother, it'll be alright
And don't worry sister, say your prayers and sleep tight
It'll be fine lover of mine
It'll be just fine

Lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And you shall lead a live uncommon

I've heard you anguish
I've heard your hearts cry out
We are tired, we are weary, but we aren't worn out

Set down you chains, until only faith remains
Set down you chains
And lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend your strength to that
which you wish to be free from
Fill you lives with love and bravery
And we shall lead a life uncommon

There are plenty of people who pray for peace
But if praying were enough it would have come to be
Let your words enslave no one and the heavens will hush themselves
To hear our voices ring out clear
with sounds of freedom
sounds of freedom

Come on you unbelievers, move out of the way
there is a new army coming and we are armed with faith
To live, we must give
To live

And lend our voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend our strength to that which we with to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And we shall lead...

Lend our voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend our strength to that which we with to be free from
Fill you lives with love and bravery
And we shall lead a life uncommon

So did I link the the song like any other respectable blogger? Well no, I've got a big report to do and I'm a tad retarded anyways. But I LOVE this song, it's one of those songs with lyrics that kind of "get's you through" tough times ya know? And it's pretty too so that never hurts. :P

By the way, MY BABY IS SAFE AND IN MEXICO WITH HIS BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*ahem* WHEW! Scuse me. :)

I've got to do that damn report but I'll be back, I've got a great blog to write - I got inspired to go shopping for some new special draws (panties, white folks, panites) last night and had a heck of a time, it's good shit.

C-Yall later and Thank You again for your kindness and support. (did I mention my baby is safe??? And I'm currently jumping up and down and trying not to run in circles like an over excited dog and piss on myself????)

I Like Fish and Chips Too

FOUND ON YAHOO -

Mon Mar 17, 2:53 PM ET
"An employee at a specialty shop displaying a vibrating ring. A new boutique hotel at a seaside resort in northwest England is to offer guests a sex toy minibar containing lubricating gel, massage oil, a vibrating ring and two condoms, when it opens later this year, its owner said Monday."

SOOOOoo, maybe we'll move to England if Canada doesn't work out. Hey Patti got any suggestions??? This, uh... seems like my kinda place if ya's know what I mean. :P Although I'm not sure what the deal is with only TWO condoms, but whatever, I never forget my economy pack anyways.

Okay, so not jumping off any bridges today (bi-polar much??), C. seems to think he'll be fine no matter what they do. He's a brave little beotch and manages to calm me down during our 10 minutes on the phone, I wonder if he's just brave for me because he knows I'm a pansy or if he's really that much of a trooper? Maybe I don't want to know.

I sure hope he gets shipped out today, I just want this to be over with. I've got a flight booked for the 26th through the 31st just in case it happens this tuesday OR next tuesday. (plus to fly out this thursday was going to be outrageous!! (easter) ) I can't WAIT to see him!! Well, I can wait for that, I just can't wait to know that he's SAFE, please God, safe.

Now, back to planning for what I'm going to wear......

OH OH!! And hahahahahha he doesn't want me to bring his personal "toy" with me for him because he's afraid his brother or brothers family will find it. HA!! I didn't want him to have it anyway but I was being polite. Anybody want a slightly used pocket pussy??

They transported my C. from one state to another (to the place they'll fly him out of - TOMORROW) but they lost his things in transport, well, misplaced.

His I.D.
His money
His wedding ring
His papers with his familys phone #'s
And his shoe laces.

So they'll be shipping him off to Mexico with no I.D. and no money and no phone #'s.

I called his family last night and they told me that they don't think he can make collect calls in Mexico - seriously? Can that be? What will he DO?? He's not allowed to know where they'll fly him to so his family can't just be waiting there,

And you know what he's worried about the most? His ring, bless his heart he's not worried about oh, I don't know, being in a foreign country with NOTHING and no way to contact anyone, but instead his ring and what it means to him.

I on the other hand I am shitting my pants. I called his original location that told me to call INS, who told me to call his original location, who again told me they can't help me, so I called INS again and they said that they did transport him but either his stuff was left at the original place (that won't speak to me) or was "misplaced" and told me to call where he is now. I called where he is now and got put through to the supervisor who wasn't in to answer his phone.

You know, I keep wondering at what point a person - well me - gets to the point where they break and can't take any more? Shouldn't I have got there by now? Where is my nervous breakdown? Do I get one? No, no, I don't want one, it just surprises me that I seem incapable. I'm stressed to the point of not even crying, does this mean I'm strong? What a load of crap.

I don't know, I don't know anything and no one will TELL me anything.

He's not a bad person and oh God I love him so much, why do all of these bad things have to happen? What's going to happen to my baby?! Why can't I convey through my words that I'm yelling and terrified? Oh well great here's the tears, I found em, good ole writing, it'll do it every time. Don't worry you guys, you don't have to write the "I'm so sorry's" I know this is a big mess of awkwardness and crud. I just had to write it down, one of those things I guess.

I hope to see C. in the next week - hopefully no longer than 2 weeks, and so I've decided to give up my Sex Toys until then. Celibate AND no toys! AHHHHHHHH!!!! Is it Lent?? Can these count?? That's it, I'm giving up Dildo's for lent. Can I get an AMEN!?

Remember before when I mentioned that when I went a couple of weeks with NUTHIN after being sick and him being gone - and how my penocha got all super-virginal-tight again - and it pissed me off? (pissed me off because my rabbit was too big to USE damn it!)

Weelllllll I thought it'd be a nice thing to do for C. for when we see each other and rock the shit out of each others world. That, and he'll know that I haven't been hoe-in up while he's been gone.

And I was thinking, what should I bring along for our sex fest? I know I'll be bringing and extra amount of Astroglide, a load of condoms and.... well hell I don't know. For some reason I don't think we're going to need anything to "spice it up" I figure he's got enough hot pepper built up in that little Mexican body to set water on fire, so I'm not really worried about that.

But I feel like I'm forgetting something.

Condoms - check
Astroglide - check
Tight Puu-Tang - check

What the hell am I missing here? There's something isn't there? Suggestions?

Celibate Countdown

I haven't had sex with anyone besides myself in 1 month and one week. I'm a Celibate Hor. I actually sat down and thought back to my longest dry spell before this. Geeeeeewwww I really am a tad hoe-ish, I've not been dry like this since I was 18. Being that I'm now 26 I'd say I was doing pretty good. (naaauuuuggghhhty!)

Hell it would have been since I was 17 but I made my second (sex involved) boyfriend wait 6 months before I laid it on him. He was 19 but he was a virgin, and trying to do the right thing for Jesus and all that, but eventually - I gave in.

It's been kind of crazy now that I think about it, all starting off with Joe at 17 - you'd think I'd remember so MUCH of those first encounters but for some reason I just don't. It kind of bums me out you know? I wish I could remember more of what it was like. Hell I can't even really remember if I was getting off. Too young.

After that it was M. and we were together 3 years and then broke up for 6 months. In those six months I was 20 and found me a 30 yr old and decided that he was nice. HE thought he was in heaven and was going to "Teach" me everything I needed to know about sex. Dork. He was my first multiple O guy, and that was cool. I thought he was gonna have a heart attack after # 3 though, scary really. He DID open me up to the idea of toys in the bedroom, which was nice, but can a hor get anybody ELSE to be that open?? Punks.

Eventually I came to my senses that that dude was freakin weird and OLD (hahahhaaha) and decided to go back to M. Add on another 3 years with Mr. Insane-mean-crazy and I got up the guts to run away. BUH-BYE-BEEEOOTCH!

Ahhhhhhh and then my summer of "love." Good times. I really came out and developed my full hor-dom that summer and it was great. I had my first and last stalker - too bad, he had one monster of a dick. Sad. Then P, he was ok at first but when we got it on he was so damn tiny, poor guy, oh dear it was terrible. Maybe if he had ANY skillz at ALL in the oral department or would even consider it, it wouldn't have been so bad, but he was a lame-O. Luckily he turned out to be a liar and I booted his ass. WHEW!!

Then my first and last One Night Stand. Wow, that was a tad stoopid. I don't even know how that really happened or just what the hell I was thinking - but I've never drank a yeger-bomb again. From my experience, one nighters suck. You don't know how to work each other and it's just lame. (gee and plus he could have been an AXE MURDER and I had him in my APARTMENT!! REEETARDD!!) Yeah and the morning after? Wow that really IS awkward, especially if they live in a different state, there's no reason to exchange numbers but you do anyways to make yourself feel better. Yuck.

P's best S. friend finally came to his senses and we started our strange summer fling. He taught me how to drink and taught me how to dance and one way or another ended up in ye ole sack. I think I was wearing down at that point though. I was really into this guy, I thought I could love him but he was so adamant about not wanting to be serious no matter how much he liked me back. He had to go back to school in the fall, a whole 2 hours away and that was just too much for him. Well, no that's mean, he did have some other stuff going on that WAS a pretty decent hinder. It was really strange sex for me. He had the perfect penis and when I first saw it I was thinking OH holy COW this is gonna be great! He had the right angle, allllll the right sizes ;). It was a beautiful member. And he knew how to use it you know? But for some reason my poor hor brain was wanting "more" from him, and no matter how good and how long he worked it, I never once got "off."

My apartment, his parents house, a grape vineyard, an apple orchard, his truck, the woods, and eventually his apartment at school. Alllllll sorts of sex and I never got off. I became one hell of a mistress of faking. He used to tell me that I was a girl that was looking to "settle down," "get married" and he couldn't offer me that. I tried to convince him that I was fiiiinnneeeee with our arrangement *bats lashes* (liar I just wanted to keep him) but somehow he knew. He was a really good guy, still is, but he knew that he couldn't give me what I truly needed. So, finally, he got up the guts and we broke it off. We both cried and swore to be friends, and we do still talk (drunk call :P) and that's that.

And then my C. :) My baby my Man. :) We had an interesting start but mama taught the boy what's what and he was eager to please. That's my man! YEEEEE-HAAWWWW!! Hell I kept him around just for that at first. And then of course the little buggar worked his Latin Love potion on me and stole me away from the rest of the world. Buggar had to work hard, this beotch didn't want to give up her horin ways just yet and I was still looking for S to come to his senses. :P Damn Latin Love beotch.

OKAY!! I didn't really know what I was doing today, not sure why I wrote all this down, but hey, when I'm old at least it'll all be here for me to see in case I forget. Aaaaaand you know the intimate details of my hor-history. I guess you even know my "number" now, I hope my Dad doesn't read this anymore. Geesh :P

Why Do You/ Did You - Want Kids?

Okay, so this is way out of the ball-park, but your friendly hor has been thinking about this a lot lately. I've never. Ever. Never-Ever wanted kids. For heavens sake I used to tell people that I prayed to be infertile. I even looked into getting "fixed." - but nobody would do it. (thank goodness)

And then I met C. And I TOLD C. I didn't want babies. Ever. He promptly ignored me and told me that we'd have two kids and be happy and blah blah blah. I told him he was insane.

Faaaaaaaaaassttt forward a year and a half. Guess who has these weird, strange feelings about babies/kids/teenagers? Yes, your hor. I guess it's because "I've met the right guy." But the thing is that kids STILL scare the shit out of me. I never had siblings around me growing up, I never babysat, I was the youngest of our extended family - I've never been around kids. I don't GET them and I feel that they can see right through me and KNOW that I don't understand them.

I've never changed a diaper.

I still freak out at the notion that I'll never be care-free and such and have to devote EVERYTHING to someone else. I'm pretty selfish I think, but I know if I HAD a baby I would buck up and do the right thing, but how shitty would that be, to do all the right things, but only because I knew that I had to?

I've asked C. WHY he wants kids SO BAAADDDDD, but his answers don't satisfy my question. (how shitty is that?) He's said because he just DOES. He doesn't want to be alone when he's old. ( I told him with the money he would save from not having kids we could afford to put us in NICE retirement homes and not shady pines! - no go.) He said he wants to have a child WITH ME. He wants to have a pissy little girl just like me and to look just like me. He wants to have a boy to gang up on me with him and drive me crazy singing me Mexican Corridos. He can't really explain WHY - he just DOES.

And here I am now. I've got this THING inside of me, this nagging feeling that maybe I want that too. That maybe it would be fun and maybe I want to have someone to love me unconditionally and to do the same back. AHHHHHHHHHHH and then I pop out of baby-haze and come crashing back to reality. Poop, puke, snot (hooooaallllkkk) never being alone, questions, responsibility, my GOD keeping it ALIVE! How do you DO that?? I've seen kids at church, it seems like they're on the brink of death at all times about to climb out the window or stick a fork in the socket or something - what if I'm too stoopid to be a good mom and keep it alive??

But then I look at C's face when he talks about it, I feel the love he has for me and the love he has for a family that isn't even created yet. And I roam back into crazy-baby-town. I seem to stay there more and more often these days.

But I don't know WHY. WHY? For real. Tell me, I need something, I need evidence, I need an explanation as to why I'm losing my mind. (and btw this has been going on before C. was taken away, I've just got more time to think about it now.)

So please? For me? Your hor? Tell me WHY you wanted kids. Tell me WHY you WANT them if you don't have them. Speak up you guys, I've got too much time to think and not enough input from others. Take a bit to think about it if you must, please do, but tell me, why?

You Need To Write Erotica

C. asked me to write him a dirty letter a few weeks ago. (not a lot goin on for the boy in that dept. right now (thank god) ) It took me a bit to get up the gumption to do it and it was hard at first. A lot of "And then I sucked your ..." "And then we did it doggy..." You know, like pretty strait forward wham-bam-thank-you-mam. But then one day he asked me to write to him one of my true life fantasies. Hmmmmmmmm.

I don't know what it was about it but I think I somehow channeled the 289 dirty books that I've read over the years and all of the detail and vernacular that comes along with it. . . and WAH-LAH! It was the SHIT!! All of a sudden I was in this zone, and I was throwin out some deep down dirty shit in detail and loving every minute of it. I impressed myself, and I don't even know where some of this shit was coming from. I guess the brain holds a lot of stuff inside that we don't even realize is there.

Hey brain?? Would you mind releasing those three years of Spanish I took? Yeah that'd be nice. Get on it beotch. *kisses* Much love.

But you guys? The really crazy part that I didn't know happened or even sightly expected? Within the first paragraph of writing I started to feel a certain "stirring" in my nether regions. :P By the second page I was full on TURNED ON and by the end my poor little lady flower was beating in rhythm with my HEART BEAT and I was one wet hor. TMI? Too bad, this could be beneficial for some of you!

Gals if you're feeling in a slump (like I sure as hell was) in the sex dept. give it a try. It's not easy at first but seriously, give yourself a few changes to get into the groove of it. Think about a fantasy or even write down a favorite past experience, what ever floats your boat. I found that writing by hand or typing both work fine, but if you write it out by hand it takes a little longer, and is a good thing - think more fore-play time.

Be as wordy and as brave as you want - you don't have to share it with anyone. Write down all those dirty words that you might not feel comfortable with in real life. By the 5th time I wrote a "story" I was using phrases like "thick throbbing cock" and "slick wet pussy." EEEEEEE!!!!!! I've never been comfortable with "pussy." HAHAHAH it's actually even goofy for me to write it here, but when I'm writing by myself it comes out like nothing.

And another side benefit? I think by getting more comfortable with my sexuality (like that's possible right?) that I will be more open in bed to express what I want and need. I think I'm going to be more brave when C. and I are re-united. I'm sure it'll take a bit, just like the writing did, but a lot faster than it would have before. And also? I've become more comfortable with certain bedroom antics that I wasn't so much cool with before. (no, jeremy I don't mean ass-play) Writing about these things and sharing them with C. has been . . . liberating? Confidence building? I don't know really, but from his feed back (whoa baby papasita lik-ee) it's brought me to a new level of openness.

PLUS every time I'm done writing I am so insanely horny and READY-TO-GO that I have one hell of a great time with myself. I've been rockin my little world as of late.

Think you're frigid? Too old? Tired, not in the groove any more, what-have-you. Give it a try and give yourself a chance. You'll thank yourself. Need any help coming up with ideas (i'm full of scenarios- but I bet you are too.) :) or whatever - just ask the hor, I'm here to help.

I Drunk-Called a Church Lady

Friday night as my designated driver friend was driving me home I came up with the great idea to partake in my first ever Drunk-Call. A friend of mine used to call me every weekend at least twice at ANY hour of the night/morning with his crazy drunken calls of friendship and affection and drunken silliness. I got used to it after a while and eventually had to turn my phone off at night. C. didn't quite understand why there was a guy calling me at 4 a.m. you know? Yeah.

SO, Friday night I decided to repay S. the favor and leave him my very own drunken message.

Slight problem with that. He had called earlier in the day as well as a nice lady that I go to church with. I didn't have either of their names stored in my cell phone but finally got around to it just that day. Yay for me! Way to go ending that procrastination streak!

You're not stoopid, you know where this is going don't you?

I scrolled down to S. and proceeded to make my call. I got voicemail and so very unlucky for me it was one of those automated voicmails. You know, the kind where they don't actually do the talking and you don't REALLY know if it's them or not? Yeah.

I proceeded to say "S.!!! Guess Whaaatttt?? I'm Drunk! And I'm drunk calling you because you always used to drunk call me but now I'M drunk and so I'm calling you because I'm drunk and I have a phone and HOW ARE YOU S.?? I'll bet you're drunk too, we're cool like that." I yelled to my friend. "F!! Say hi to S.!!" F. kindly answered back "What's uuuuuuppp BEEEE-OOOTCH!!" "What's yo crazy ass doin!!" After that I don't really remember what all else I said. It's kind of foggy and lost on me and I don't even know how long I went on for. It's a good thing I had a desi-driver.

Fast Forward to the next day. My phone is ringing and I see that S. is calling. I laugh and realize he's probably returning my call. I answered the phone and say "Hey! What's up?!"

And then my little world came to a halt. I heard a womans voice. "Lindy? Are you Ok?" I looked down at my caller I.D. It SAYS S. So I say "S.?" "This isn't S is it." She answers back "No, this is N. Are you alright?"

Oh. My. Gawd. I am in a small get together and study Jesus-stuff group with this woman and she goes to my church. Ohhhh Myyyyy Gawwwwwwwwwwwwd. OH no. Please no. Tell me I didn't.

She never brought it up but she had heard through the other group members what's going on with C. and she wanted to call and see if I was ok. And you know, if I needed ANYTHING, EVER that I could call her and they would always "be there" for me.

The cool thing about these people and the church that I attend is that they're not in the business of judging and condemning people. Basically we are a church of people who know that we are all sinners, we all screw up, and we all are GOING to screw up. We just try and stick together and work on not being such screw ups and support each other. The small group that I'm in is made up of mostly people who came from backgrounds that had NOTHING to do with church. They had they're own partying days and lots more, but all at one time or another decided to try and change their ways. The cool thing is they all seem much better off for their decision and it's nice to see.

I don't tell them about my blog - obviously - and I struggle with the fact that I write it, but that's not for today.

TODAY is the day that I tell all my blog-pals and the world what a supreme reeeetarrdddd I am and let you all laugh at me. I'm sure I'll laugh at me at some point during the future, but only after our next meeting - and I'm assured that they're not going to discreetly hand me a pamphlet for AA.

Oh. My. Gawd. You guys. Seriously. Oh. My. Gawd.