I want to start a mini series about some of the time I spent in high school. It sucked big balls for me and even though I can honestly say that I'm truly OVER it now, I'd kind of like to write about it just to clean it out of my system.
So that's what I'm gonna do.
I'm pretty sure I was doomed before high school, ever since I can remember I've had terrible social anxiety. I remember it as far back as kindergarten. Back then in the 80's it was just that I was "really shy." Grown-ups thought it was sweet. Nobody had any idea that it would snowball over the years and help me on my way to a shit-hell existence in school. DISCLAIMER here, I'm not one of the stereotypes that saw a few symptoms on a commercial for zoloft, and ran to the Doctor screaming for unnecessary pills. In fact I was ashamed for YEARS about my behavior and thought if I went to to a doctor they just plain wouldn't believe me, and brush it off as a crazy teenager, or a druggie just wanting pills.
I remember going to the doctor in like 10th grade for a check up and him noticing my wretchedness. He started asking me all sorts of questions and I had all sorts of lies. "Do you ever feel like people are watching you?" -course not (all the time) "Do you think that people are always judging you?" -no (come on we know they are) "Trouble breathing, or sweating a lot when center of attention?" -gee doc, no more than anyone else (GOD YES) And a slew of other nut-so questions that freaked me out. I swear he was leaning more toward schizophrenia than anxiety. So after all the questions I lied about (and I'm pretty sure he knew) he told me that if that stuff was happening to me that they would have to put me on medication. At which point I mentally BOLTED cuz it was a time BEFORE all of the "it's ok to be chemically imbalanced and take zoloft" ads on t.v. I thought that taking pills would qualify me as a crazy person, and damn it I didn't need any more stigma.
It wasn't till years later at the ripe age of 22 that I had an experience that pushed my ass out of denial and sent me hellbent on convincing my Doc that I really was loopy. I went into that appointment shaking, sweaty and scared to death that she would she wouldn't believe me and send me away. God bless her heart all she had to do was LOOK at me,and listen to me for a couple of minutes. Then, calm and reassuring as hell she told me what the hell had been wrong with me for so long, no biggie, I lack the correct amount of some concoction in my brain, not my fault, and why yes there is a cure. It took a year to find the right stuff for me without side effects, but since then I've slowly started to change. Even though I don't feel like I'm having a heart attack anymore, or running a marathon when I talk to my boss (or a guy, or stranger, or biological father), there's still some residual thought patterns that slowly need to be scrubbed away with good ole time.
Oh shit, well this went too long to start talking about high school today. Another DISCLAIMER for anybody that made it this far, I won't be offended if yall stop reading my shit. The above paragraphs just aren't funny, and I started off here trying to BE funny so it's a little bit of false advertisement. I didn't know what this blog would be when I started and still don't, but for now it's going to be about the crazy shit I did in high school, and why I did it. And then I think I want to write about how I started truck driving and what a hell mess that was. OOOOH but I do have some funny as hell mailboxes to post up cuz they are just so silly. So at least there's that.
Thanx
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5 comments:
hi, you dont know me but i think you and i are alot alike. so dont feel bad.. you are not alone.
I'm a lot like the above poster... nobody here knows who I am either. Your not alone either anonymous!
Nothing wrong with being a bit imbalanced. I talk to people all the time that I wish they would admit they have a problem and seek help.
Besides, in this day and age, social anxiety disorder and other brain chem imbalances seem pretty normal compared to some of the fanatics blowing crap up in the name of whatever.
Oh my bad, I didn't mean to come across feeling bad about it, truth is I'm happy as hell that I've got something to make it ok now.
And your both right there's a bunch of us out there and it's all good.
Thanx Anon, that's kind of you :)
And Sgt you stranger you :) The only thing I blow up are fireworks. I found if you take one of the fake m-80's, put it under and overturned empty butter bowl and put a rock on top it'll blow it up pretty good. And make me laugh like the hillbilly I am.
Lindy - your story just proves that you have suffered for your art, and by art I mean your sense of humor. You totally crack me up - every time. Glad you've found a medicine that helps. Sheesh, it's getting to the point where if a person isn't on meds, there's something wrong about them.
So your saying something is wrong with me CM? Ouch.. that cut deep!
@LS: If you have a good bon fire going, you can fill a screw top bottle with gas and set it into some really hot coals. The trick is that you want the fuel to heat first, then the glass shatter. Its gives you a sweet fireball and mushroom cloud finish. Growing up in the middle of nowhere has some advantages afterall.
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