The first time I saw it I remember thinking "What the hell kind of torture device is THAT???" Torture indeed. The machine at my gym I mise might be a tad outdated but it's basically like the one to your left. The difference is that instead of any bend in the knees, this machine has the legs splayed flat out. The concept is kinda great, it really honestly works either your inner or outer thighs, depending on how you use it. And ladies? Oh my God? When I say INNER thighs I MEAN it. In fact it's not even inner thighs it's inner legs going allllll the way up into your damn lady flower. I swear to god if not careful one may be able to pull a muscle in the va-gi-na. OWWwwwww. Ow. ow. It goes strait up into that bitch.
One more thing about the machine at my gym?? You see the lady to your right? Yes with her legs splayed WIIIDDEE open for everyone to view?? Yes, well at my gym not only would her legs be splayed out flat instead of bent at the knee, but the would ALSO be facing THE WALL OF MIRRORS. They've got this particular machine parked up so close against the giant mirror wall that if not for pants I might be able to see my damn uterus. Jesus, give me a shoe horn and I could do my own lady-doctor test right there and never mind the damn co-pay. God forbid I ever sweat in those nether regions because if I did, and got on that machine, and displayed myself in all of it's horrid glory for the ENTIRE GYM to view, I might just pass out. Maybe if I passed out they would think I died and let loose of my bowels and that's why my crotch would be wet and they wouldn't think I peed myself or something. I know we go to the gym TO sweat but I don't want lady flower sweat and I REALLY don't feel the need to show it off if it ever happens.
So anyways, when it's a Crotchinator workout day it's the first machine I go to - just. in. case. I say hello to the perky gym lady, get on the machine and start playing Peek-A-Boo with my vagina. "Hello crotch" "Goooodddbye crotch." "Heeelloooww Lady Flower" "Goooodbyyyyeee Lady flower." "Thank God I don't have a frontal wedgie" "Gooodbyyyeee vagina" "Thank god I don't have a camel toe" "aannnnddddd Owwwww ow ow ow" "ow Ow OW OWWW" OWWW OW Ow ow." Annnnnndddd Fuck it.
18 comments:
Oh HILARIOUS! I know the machine you mean, too. It's humiliating. Anyone remember when that photo came out of Princess Diana using one of those machines? I couldn't believe someone had the bad taste to do that to her.
Be careful out there!
:o) BJ
Blogget - agg they took a pic of her doing that? Lame. I don't worry about the papparazzi too much here in the ghetto. If there's a newsvan it's usually for a shooting.
I'm glad you wear pants. A certain guy at my gym who freeballs (who does that to work out????) attracts the opposite of attention when he's on that machine, because there apparently have been peek-a-boo incidents. Avert your gaze!
Deb - Oh shit I would STARE and not be able to stop myself. I would talk myself into THINKING that I was being coy about it but I wouldn't be, it would be obvious and I would hence forth be known as the ball-guys #1 fan.
Anyways - HI!! Thanx for commenting :) It's nice to have you here. :) (you be funny)
Hor,
You have the words "Crotchinator", "vagina", and "camel toe" in your post.....And Dyckerson.....has yet to deposit a comment here! Is he ill or something? I am concerned.
LOL. The abduction machine is pretty common place, yet sadly underused.
I think people are just too self-conscience to use it.
You can do similar exercises with a swiss ball too with all the peekaboo show.
Stan!! S'okay babe, you've got him covered. ;)
Sgt- Alright Smarty Pants and your fancy correct terms. (thanks by the way now maybe I can call it that in my head instead of the dirty word :)
For real about it being underused though!! I Nev-ver see anyone on it. (maybe the damn MIRROR thing doesn't help)
But being a gal I ALWAYS hear other chicks complain about their inner thighs. This is the MACHINE from heaven (hell) for them!!!
SO - does it pull all up in your shit too??? Come on, male perspective here, spill it.
And what's a swiss ball?
I love those machines. Not being on them, but seeing women on them. And frankly there's nothing quite so intriguing as a wet-crotch contest.
I gotta join a gym...
Reminds me of the fucking stirrups in the gyno office...
You. are. one. Funnybiatch.
Those machines are great, but killer! I can't beleive they put it up against the mirror, maybe you could complain. They CAN move those things!
Effort - What the hizzie is a wet crotch contest? I think you just out-dirty-ed me btw ;)
Dyck - Yes darling, I prefer SEXY Johns fo my hoes.
Sassy - Zzzzactly!! :)
Kat - Thank You :) Complain? eee I'm not very ballsy in that dept. I'll just use it and let them revel in my glory.
Oh c'mon, you know... it's like a wet t-shirt contest, but more south. Sometimes you could tell if the woman on the machine was an inny or an outy, if you catch my drift. Puts a whole new spin on the phrase "read. my. lips."
Effort - An innie or an outie??
Women really sweat that much at the gyms you go to?
I need to go to that gym.
Do I need to draw you a picture here? heh.
You know, the lips are more on the inside, versus hanging out for all to see.... inny? Outy?
And yeah, the workouts at my gym are a bitch! heh.
It does work on your thighs (as a male), but if your feeling it in your male parts, something strange is happening.
Now you want to talk about an exercise that crushes junk, that's the leg press/sled. I'm not sure what makes me wince more, pushing 500+ lbs, or forcing my testicles back into my abdomen.
Effort - Who knew? I thought. . well never mind what I thought.
SGT - EEEE!! I love that machine!! Of course I don't have balls, so yeah. Thank You!! :)
There's one at my gym (at least the last time I was there) and it's also facing the mirrors. Actually, there's 2 of them, one you spread 'em and one where you close 'em. Woman, you keep reminding me to go back to the gym!
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