Dear Old Lady check-out-person at Wal-mart the other night,No, I still don't want a Wal-mart credit card (wtf? for real?) stop asking me.
I really did appreciate it when you pointed out to me that I had the same style of work-out pants in two different sizes. Like for real I AM a dummy like that and it would have sucked ass to come back and return one of them.
But here's the thing badalax, when I told you that I wanted the LARGER sized blue pants I didn't need for you to raise your brows and assume that I must have meant the smaller yellow pants. You made me tell you TWICE in front of other people that why YES I do have a ghetto butt and need the bigger pair. Thanx for that.
As if that weren't enough I REALLY REALLY didn't need you to stop what you were doing, look me over and ask OUT LOUD for all to hear - "YOU wear a LARGE??" "Are you SURE??" "Did you even try on the Medium to see if they would fit you better?" "I think the medium would fit you better." Yeah, you were calling me smaller and that's cool but you made me announce that NO, No lady, I need the fatty size, Thank You.
I wanted to explain to you that I had got the track pants from the teenie-bopper section of the store and their sizes are a tad different than regular womens sizes and that I was damn happy I could wear them at ALL, but I had already been put on display enough for the amusement of the elderly woman behind me and the lady with 6 dirty children in one cart behind her. Oh and not to mention the hot bagger guy. THANX A FUCKING LOT LADY. I was on my way to the gym and decided that to boost my confidence I needed a new outfit, what I didn't need was a crack head old bag embarrassing the shit out of me and making me publicly proclaim that my lovely ass is indeed a large. Really, that helped out a WHOLE LOT when I got to the crowded gym and had to get on the FIRST row of treadmills so that the row in back could all get a good view of my non-medium-teenie-bopper-wearing-ASS.
Sincerely, Your Assilicious Customer,
HOR
P.S. Today is the One year anniversary of my Blog. Holy cow I didn't even realize. It all started with JV from http://15minutelunch.blogspot.com/. I was bored and some random google search led me to his site. I learned all about what a blog was and spent 2 full weeks at work reading his ENTIRE site. I wanted to comment so I signed up and Google gave me my own blog along with the commenting privileges. I stared at the blank page for weeks before I typed a single word. Gufawww I didn't want to screw it up - oh ahahahahahahah.
I had no. freaking. idea. that I would turn into a blog-freak but here I am and here you are reading it. I don't care if it's geeky or nerdy or needy but my life has been greatly enriched by this and so many other blogs - well, really, the BLOGGERS.
16 comments:
Oh fuck that bitch!
(Even though she was actually complimenting you. That or she needs her sight checked up. Yeah.)
OMG! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!
And you already got the award so... That's all.
Oh cool! Johnny Virgil is one of my favs too!! And I love blogging and all of the people that I have met...well sort of met, through the internet.
Sweetie Pie, what makes you think you need to tell assholes the truth? Just tell her that the larger size is for your sister/mom/aunt or maybe transvestite cousin. Personally, I always go with the TV cousin. I just LOVE to freak nosey old ladies out. Make up lots juicy details about how he's still making up his mind about going through with the surgery, but WOW has he made progress on wearing makeup without looking like a hooker. Speaking for those who dig your senses of humor and adventure, I recommend it highly and look forward to hearing how it goes!
I actually had a salesbitch in an upscale store try to indiscreetly point out to me while I was shopping that the store carried nothing in my size. I proceeded to announce pretty loudly that I had forgotten that big fat slobs like me are legally and morally prohibited from having friends or relatives of a more "normal" size, and I guess my size 5 sister would just have to go without a birthday present that year. I don't use the c-word often, but I am tempted every time I remember her.
Horbaby, you should never be embarrassed that you have a nice ass! I, unfortunately, suffer from a case of No Assitol, so I'm forced to do twice as many squats and buy pants that will create something worth looking at back there!
And really, do you care at all what ANYONE at the Walmart says? And just the reference to your booty got that hot bagging guy to take a lil looksie, I bet! ;)
That bitch needsta get fired! LOL, it is pretty funny though. I had someone do that to me years ago in a BATHING SUIT store. I was buying a large bottom, medium top and the guy at the register started argueing with me that I didn't need a large. I had tried it ON for Christsakes.
Geez, that's a big ass! You could make extra money selling advertising space on that thing.
Forget the bitch, concentrate on the ass. All the more for your man to play with, surely.
Krissie - EEEE!! Thank You for the Cake :) It's pretty
Nicole - He's neat huh? :)
Upstate - AHhhhhhhh that's nuts, and great :) Thanks for saying I'm humorous - that sort of thing always flips my lid. And OMG Yes I do believe that beotch deserved the label of CUNT. I never say that word out loud (ya know how everybody has like a word that freaks them out?) and barely type it but yes, I do believe it was justified. That's great that you made a scene!!! What a scab.
Sassy - You and I would be a great pair for going out, me in a minimizer and you with butt padding on. (not that either of us would actually wear those but I just wanted to type it) But they DO have those but-pad draws, and I know that back in the day when I found the need to wear mucho-padded push-up bras that if I didn't have an ass I WOULD HAVE worn some padding back there too. (Thank Goodness I've come to terms with things now and wear regular bras) OKAY!! Tmi, sometimes it just comes on out.
Kat - AHAHAHAHA and I just TOLD her how well they fit when she commented on how cute they were!
Dyck - You think I could make a deal with google? I figure if I wore the right outfit my ass would get more views than this site.
Oooo Rob, I like your bad-ass dirty side. Yumm baby ;)
GRRR I typed a long comment for you and Blogger loved it so much it ate it!
Happy Anniversary, HOR!
Talking about anniversaries, The Baby and I complete one year together some time next week... and it's being celebrated by attending a John Kerrigan lecture on Hamlet in college, LMAO!
As for your ass... tell the woman at Wal-mart that you have a bigger and better ass than she could ever dream of, and give her the finger :D. That's what we do when we see people whispering about us half behind our backs ;).
Suki- UGH don't you HAAATTEE that? Sometimes after that happens I lose the will to comment all together ya know? It's work!
OMG give them the finger? I like the way you guys handle things (LOL) :) Congrats on you and Baby :) I wish many more for you!
Excuse me lady, could you stop parking that ass on the front treadmill? I can't see the TV monitor back here! heh.
Seriously though, something tells me you've got far better assets than you think (pun intended).
Just don't tell anyone to kiss your ass, when they piss you off.
I said that one time to this guy and he came right back with...
"I don't have all day"
I just cracked up laughing. Well, it was funny.
I'm so glad you started your blog Hor... Your so talented, and I'm glad I've found it!
Thanks for bringing more laughter into my life. :)
Effort - you're so sweet I can't even tell if you're a dirty bastard. And that's pretty sweet!! :P XOXOX's Thank You :)
Awwww Patti - You're so sweet, Thank You. You make me feel like a 100 bucks!! (okay so what did you THROW at that guy after you laughed at him??) a cinder block perhaps?? J/k but what a douche! ahahahaha, glad you laughed at him.
Hor... I didn't laugh at him..
I laughed at what he said!
Of all things I'm grateful for....
is my ability to laugh at myself.
Looking back 20 or more years ago I can still laugh. People that think they're better than you are lost soles.
Yeah yeah..
I wish I threw the fuckin closest thing I could find at him...lol
You don't want a Wal-mart credit card?!! You could have financed those work-out pants over the next 12 months.
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