Dancing With The Gays

I was groped by a few strangers this weekend. Got your attention?

I didn't WANT to be groped thank you but I was RAILROADED by a guy I thought was just being nice and THEN by a fake gay man.

Let me explian. A friend of mine from work and his pal offered to take me out this weekend so's I could let my hair down and you know, like get my mind off of the shit going on. I.E. - Get drunk. Good friends yes? Actually yeah :)

My pal from work and my NEW pal are a tad older than me and the first place we ended up in was a karaoke bar for old folks. There was much Merle haggard and 70's pop going on but never having witnessed Karaoke before I was at least amused. Thankfully though the place was dead and my pals decided to go to another bar and meet up with another geriatric pal of theirs.

New Bar was just as dead but my new gal-pals friend was really nice. We were hanging out and having a nice time singing along to some chicks singing a Queen song and you know, doing the I'm-at-a-bar-thing. Things were great until the new guy (18 yrs older than me btw) decided that out of the FREAKING blue he would reach under the table and totally grope my leg. I'm for real you guys, I was SO not flirting with old guy - in fact I didn't even really talk to him other than to say "nice job" on his singing and ask a few ditsy questions about the intricacies of Karaoke. For god's sake we didn't even really do SMALL TALK and he was feeling me up! In plain view of the rocks I've got on my left hand by the damn way.

I asked him what the hell he was doing and he said he was "feeling brave tonight." I told the SOB that I'm not into that. My pal from work saw what went down and thankfully saved me. He suggested we pack up and get out of lame-O-ville and go to a REAL club. He knew that old-nasty-bastard wouldn't go for that type of scene and he was right. So on to the 3rd place of the night.

Oh holy damn was I underdressed! FUCK this place is one of those "cool" bars where the young people go to get blasted and bump and grind and grind and grind and maybe even grind on the stripper pole. (omg I so wanted to be up on that pole you guys, I've ALWAYS wanted to have a go on a stripper pole! Fortunately I wasn't that drunk tho) My new gal-pal was dressed for the geriatric Karaoke bar and looked like a right full-on-bull dyke compared to the people in the "cool" bar. Soooo at least I felt a little better not being the WORST dressed. Shallow much? Well yeah but I wasn't the worst dressed so FINE.

The music was great, very up to date dance club music and I was totally feeling it you know? Actually I was standing against a wall trying to pretend that I didn't just fall off the potato wagon on a trip through New York by way of Mayberry. I sort of missed out on the whole cool bar-clubbing-scene when I was younger and I'm just not used to what goes on in these types of clubs. I was trying SO hard not to stare but damn, just DAMN!

A girl walked in wearing a shirt/skirt THING that was painted on and honest to god didn't even cover her ass cheeks. AND she was wearing a THONG! OMG!! All I could do was STARE at her ass cheeks and will her dress to grow another 3 inches all the while thinking "Oh my dear god her ASS CHEEKS are RIGHT THERE! Oh my gosh I can see her REAL ass! That is a womans ASS, RIGHT there! Jesus does she know? Oh, yep she knows, she just tried to pull her "dress" down a tad." "It didn't really work." "OH MY GAWD I can SEE her ASS!!"

Holy Crap it was crazy enough when she was just standing there but when she got out on the dance floor and started doing her thing - I was a goner. She was the DIRTIEST of dirty club dancers, holy shit. At one point she grabbed the stripper pole for support, her dress rode half way up her cheeks and she was HUMPING the floor! Holy shit there was a crowd of about 15 guys and one little white girl (me) standing in awe and watching the show. I had officially fallen off the potato wagon. Hard.

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Okay, okay, moving on. I had a few drinks and was standing up at the bar waiting for another when a new song came on and this tall, skinny, terribly well groomed and dressed and I'm sorry but FRUITY man came up and started dancing on me. He looked and danced SO SOOOO gay you guys. All I could do was laugh and let him do his little dance. Basically he was the woman and I think he was wanting me to be the man. I hadn't had enough to drink yet to participate in his charade but I laughed, smiled and went off along my way.

When C. and I have gone out before, and when I've gone out alone it is usually my RULE that I only dance with gay guys. Gay guys are my "safe ground" I guess you could say. We can do all the dirty club dancing like everyone else and have fun, but nobody gets the wrong idea you know? I'm not that great that I can turn a gay man strait - C. knows it - and hence doesn’t mind me dancing with them.

So later on after a few beers when the "Gay" guy decided to do the fishing-reel-you-in goof ass move to me from the dance floor I couldn't resist. I FELT like dancing and having some fun after the last two weeks of hell you know? So there we were, him doing the gayest of gay dancing routines all up and around me and I was having a good time just watching him and doing my own little white-girl-can't-dance-to-save-her-life dance. AND THEN. And then all of a sudden Mr. Super Gay reached out from out of nowhere and not even working up to it FULLY encased my left breast in his right hand. And SQUEEZED!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOD!!

OH MY FUCKING SHIT!!!

I threw his hand off of me in disgust and all I could manage to get out of my shocked, so very shocked mouth and brain was "Ahhh, NO!" His response?

"I'll bet you didn't know I could do that.

"Huh?? What the ever living FUCK is that supposed to mean? Shit fire and save the matches - I STILL don't know what he meant! Did he assume that I didn't realize he HAD a fully functioning right hand? Was he taunting me with his fake gay-ness? WAS he gay and trying on some Not-Gay training wheels? I have no fucking idea other than the FACT that my little gay-safe dancing world came CRASHING down right around me. Ah yes, and the idea that he was fucking batty as the mad hatter came to mind as well.

So, I ran away. Back to the safety of my wall next to the ass cheek hoochie where I could at least entertain myself with her mere presence. At this point she was sitting on a stool in her shirt/skirt thing - with her legs wide open. You know for some reason I'm thinking that having a pelvic exam would be like going to the grocery store for this girl. Ever the polite-hick that I am, at one point I actually told her that I thought her dress was SO-cool and that I wish I had enough guts and was cool enough to wear something like that. What? I was standing next to her for like an hour and had been watching her ALL night, I had to make SOME sort of small talk. It just wouldn't be polite not to.

I wonder if she thought I was gay? Ah well at least I didn't grope her - groping is NOT polite.