I went to the gym two nights ago - not so much because I WANTED to work and sweat my ass off but more because my pipes were still frozen and I needed to take a shower somehow. I could have drove 30 minutes to my parents house (well 45, bad weather) but I figured what the hell, I paid out the ass for this gym membership I might as well take full advantage of it. SOoo I packed up my clothes and products and a big-ole-towel. The biggest towel I have of course, being the prude hor that I am I'm not keen on traipsing around a public locker room with my bits and pieces (ok chucks and slabs) hanging out for all to see. What, what? Hors can be modest too thank you. SO blah blah I worked out, got nice and sweaty, and headed to the showers. Did I remember to pack my fer-fliggin-flip-flops? Well of course fucking not, that would require me to not be an idiot. Of ALLL the things ya know? I haven't seen a sign up in the locker room about a flip-flop rule going to and from and in the shower but come on, there HAS to be one. And if there's not and bitches are skankin around in there trading fungi - quite frankly I want no part of it.
So what ta do ya know? If I went to work the next day having gone TWO days with no shower I might just scare away our customers. Sooo I got the idea to get nekkid in the bathroom, and walk my ass out to the shower with my tennis on. I figured I'd take them off when I got in, break something that I HOPE is a rule and disinfect my feet later. I didn't hear anyone in the locker room so I opened the door to sneak out and THERE she was, a lady I see there every night I go, waiting to take a piss. And there I was in all of my day-glo-towel-glory, legs unshaven since C. has been gone (SEVEN DAYS) and my tennis shoes. She was kind enough to give me a full body once, twice over, throw a disgusted look at me and leave to take her piss.Shit. Ah well I was willing to suck it up for cleanliness at this point so I scurried my ass into the first shower stall I came to. Of course with my luck I chose the bunk shower stall with all the water pressure of a dehydrated pissing gnat. Beautiful. Hearing nobody in the locker room and already having broken the foot-law I decided to grab my shit and walk the 2 1/2 feet bare-foot to the next stall. Ahhhhhhhhhh lovely water pressure and cleansing. . . soap. Where was my soap? Oh. Well silly bitch, I forgot my soap in the gnat-piss-shower! FUCK.
Completely soaked and a tad pissy I once again was ready to take my ass back into the jungle sans footwear- really making a theme for myself. But there were people in there so I had to wait, and wait, and WAAAIIITT in the shower nekkid and wet and soap-free until they got their gabbing asses out of there so I could make a run for it. I was NOT going to walk out there and have people see me breaking a rule - no No NO. Eventually I made the run for my soap, made my trip successfully and got back to wash my stank ass. Ahhhh soap and water - heavenly!! Screw You you bastard frozen pipes! HA!
Of course the story does not end here. No chilluns that would be too easy on my ego and you all know me better by now than to think that I would get away without REALLY making an ass of myself. My neurosis kicked in. Shit. I didn't want to walk back out from the shower to the bathroom with no shoes. I was afraid that in the 6 foot walk I'd be busted. SOO I came up with the great idea of doing a Superman and changing back into my clothes right there in the shower. My bag was outside the door so I just swiped it in and began the tedious process of drying and dressing myself in a SHOWER stall. Hell, I thought I was being pretty smart thank-you-very-much. Until of course some more gabbers came in to the locker room to visit.I stood in the shower stall fully dressed for quiet a few minutes while they jabbered on. Jesus people how much is there to talk about in the damn locker room!?? FUCK! So, blah blah, I waited till I thought they were gone and made my attempt at freedom. "Attempt" being the right word because I walked right out of the stall and into the Assistant Manager of the gym that is there every night. Who freaking KNOWS what she thought of me emerging from the shower fully dressed, tote bag in tow. Ah well, flip it. She made nervous I-think-you're-a-freak-but-I'm-too-afraid-to-bust-you-out- small talk, I made fuck-me-I'm-a-freak-for-sure small talk and we went on our separate ways.
Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen. Welcome to the new Celibate World that I have entered. I don't have sex to keep me occupied and out of trouble any more so you can all look forward to me fucking up and acting an ass on quite a regular basis. Welcome and enjoy and please laugh at me, I need you to laugh at me, because if you pity me I'll have to have my blog kick your blogs ass.
***************By The Way - For anyone coming late to the party, I've taken off my last two posts. They were terribly sad and pitiful and all they did was manage to remind me that C. - my wonderful sweet man - and I will be seperated from one another for oh, about the next year or so. Not by our choice of course, and we're both heartbroken beyond what we thought possible but SHIT happens sometimes in life and we're going to deal with it. I took off the posts because I couldn't stand to see them staring at me everytime I come here. I didn't delete them, I've saved them so I can go back and see all of your wonderful supportive and kind comments if I need to. Thank You all very much. Now, let's get back to it.*******************
11 comments:
You mean women aren't playfully pawing at each other nakedness in the women's locker room until a wild lesbian orgy ensues?
I've sooo been misled.
Oh yeah.. and keep some shower shoes in a locker there!
Sgt. - Don't worry darling, just imagine that that was what was taking so long for those women to do while I was in the shower waiting. :P
LOL Sgt still gets a fantasy from it :o)
Oh Dhor -- that sounds like something I would do!
And a year apart? Really? I'm so sorry!!
Take care!
BJ
Was that you and your hairy legs I saw last night? I thought it was another grizzly hor bear!
I bet my legs are hairier than yours.
Blogget - good to have a dorky ally -alli? How the hell do I spell Al-eye?? Ahh shit
Dyck - no you douche that was your prostitute, jaybus, stop buying them on 28th street.
Krissie - I have a feeling I don't want to argue that one.
Wanna hear my moment of dorkdom this week?
Here goes -- I was in a conference call, a meeting of the Board of Directors of a national association that I belong to. Someone came in my office, so I hit "Mute" on my phone. Not "Hold". "Mute."
When I got back to the conference call, everyone is up in arms. Apparently, "Mute" also plays all the campus announcements that putting someone on "Hold" does! So, the whole conference call was disrupted by announcements from my college! Oh GREAT!!! They haven't figured out who it was yet, but I'll probably apologize anyhow....
Blogget - hahahaha well let's just thank god you managed to hit SOMEHTING so that they couldn't hear you. Or like me and hit "hang up" like I do to my boss at least once a week.
"Huh...uh. we must have got disconected!? You must have bad service on that cell of yours boss man *cough cough*"
:)
HAHAHA! Yeah, I'd do something like that, too.... Aren't you glad for cell phones to blame it on?
You're so friggin cute, with the shower and the no flip-flop paranoia. Good for you, too, on getting on with life the way it is. Wish there was something to be done about it, I just cannot beleive you guys are apart for a year and there's nothing that can be done, but I can't even imagine why so... but anyway... good for you, girly. =)
Ack, I only read one of your pulled posts... I have no idea why you and C are apart but I can't imagine a year of not seeing each other. You go on and grizzle at us as much as you need to gal, you go.
PS, I do totally understand this. At my gym everyone walks around with it all hanging out but not me, I dry myself off in the shower stall and then wrap up in the towel... it's bad enough knowing I have all that dough around my middle without other people knowing too!
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