You Do The Blow?

Sunday morning after my fun filled night of dancing and surprise gropings I met up with my pals for some much needed food and copious amounts of diet coke. On the way there I stopped of at a gas station to put gas in my car before it ran out of fumes. Sorry car, I know you always get stuck with the dregs at the bottom of the tank but you're an asshole to me so deal, bitch. (And thanx for not shitting out on me lately *KISSES!*)

I was standing out in the blowing negative degree bastard wind willing the damn pump to give me some gas and stop ASKING ME QUESTIONS. SHIITT it's 20 below - NO I don't want a car wash - NO I don't have a points card - YES it's debit - FINE HERE IS MY DEBIT NUMBER - NO FOR SHITS SAKE I DON'T WANT A FUCKING RECIEPT!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

At that point I was ready to get back into my car to unthaw for a minute before pumping the fuel I'd almost frozen to death to win - but no. The guy at the pump across me decided it was a lovely time to start up a conversation.

The first time he spoke to me I didn't understand what he was saying (severe ghetto accent) The second and THIRD times he asked me the same question I still did not understand him. I felt like a jerk at this point but damn, it seems like he would have given up after my third "WHAT??" But no. Finally I understood:

"Where you be from?"

- I told him the city and he asked me if I was from the city I TOLD him or the one next to it. Jesus dude. I told him again. Next question -

"What's yo name?"

-Said my first name, politely asked for his. (forgive me but I'm a sucker for politeness even when I KNOW BETTER) Next question -

"So wha whad-up? You got a man?"

-My we don't mince words do we? I flashed him my ring and told him I'm married, short and sweet. I figured he'd go away at this point but no, oh my no. His next question I was once again not able to figure out and had to ask him twice. Finally he got out -

"You do the blow?"

HA! Well I finally forgot I was cold. Honestly the first thoughts in my head were "OH my gawd, does he think I'm a prostitute? Oh. my. gawd. and I thought I was dressed NICE today! God does my face look that fucked up? Do I LOOK like a prostitute?" I said the only thing that my brain could manage -

"WHAT??"

I'm really good under pressure. He tried to clarify for me -

"Do you smoke the blow?"

I thought he meant like do you "smoke the pole" and "blow" was just another word for "pole" that my terribly street savvy self was not aware of. Since my brain had a moment to catch up I came up with a more witty response -

"WHAT???"

Notice the third question mark, that would be my exasperation. Like I said, I'm good under pressure. He wasn't giving up on me though, really persevering here -

"Do you smoke the marijuana?"

OHHHHHhhhhhhhhh Ooookaayyyyy I got it then. The thoughts in my head THEN - "Oh well that's great I don't look like a prostitute but I DO look like a pot-head. Damn it I knew this sheep-skin hippie jacket was a stoopid choice." "But I have a very conservative scarf" "My shoes are sketchers, to pot-heads wear sketchers?" "Oh, oh shit he wants an answer." -

"No."

YAY! Look at that, I managed to really use my wit and verbal skillzz. That's me, super-duper- street savvy smart ass, oh yeah, I'm bad.

Ah well it worked out for the best, as soon as I said "No" he jumped his pajama'd ass in his car and was gone in a flash. Maybe I should start with that response the next time a stranger speaks to me. Maybe here in the ghetto I should get back to the basics of kindergarten and "Don't talk to strangers."

I kind of hate that though. I was just trying to be polite and give this man the benefit of the doubt. I've HAD polite conversations at the gas pump before - ok always with weird people or old people talking about the weather - but it's happened.

My lessons from this weekend? 1. Don't trust a fruity man to be gay 2. Don't trust nice old men, and 3. Don't have gas station conversations unless the temperature is above freezing. There is no good reason to start up a conversation when if you breathe in really hard your nostrils freeze to the inside of your nose. *Noted*