I guess I'm not THAT adventourous.

C. has never been in a boat, in his life, EVER.

I had planned to take him out in a little 10 foot on a nice calm day on a little bitty lake to break him in.

And then this weekend came with this wonderful weather and we decided to try our hand at canoeing. I've done it in the past and figured we'd be ok.

So we chose THE fastest moving river in Michigan on the FIRST day that the canoe rental place opened. The canoe rental guy said that he hadn't had any people out on the river yet, and that this early in the season it's most likely not been cleared out. He warned us that we "might" have to portage (get out of the river and carry the canoe around a log jam.) The guy tried to talk us out of going for like 10 minutes but eventually just gave in and told us that if we lost the canoe we wouldn't get our security deposit back.


C. man and I talked about it for a bit trying to decide if we should go or not. The guy asked him if he could swim and he said yeah. -To funny, later he told me he wanted to say to the guy "Of course I can swim, how do you think I crossed "the" river? I would have LOVED it. Anyways, I told him that it would be an adventure and had this wacked out little idea in my head that we REALLY were being adventrous and brave and fun and crazy, you know stuff like that.

Right. Wow. Try STUPID.

Within 2 minutes of the guy pushing our asses out on the river and WAY before I could explain to him the fine art of canoeing we were barraling tword our fist log jam. OH SHIT OH SHIT !!! We ended up sideways against it (the worst possible position to be in) the boat tipped a bit sideways and water started rolling over the side. I scrabbled to the other side of the canoe and luckily my ass was large enough to get us tipped back enough so that water would stop pouring in. The entire time poor C. was half in the canoe and holding on to a log for dear life.

I seriously thought we were goners right then and there. Like for real. Somehow we managed to inch our way along the jam and get to a spot where we could get through.

Oh man. There was no way we could go back and I was SERIOUSLY freaked out. I didn't think we would make it and I was being a gigantic baby. It wasn't 10 minutes and we came to an even bigger jam and this time actually did have to make our way to shore and drag it untill we were past the jam and to a spot in the river where we could put back in. Simple right?
Not a chance, the banks were totally steep in this part of the river and we had to drag it forever just to find a place to get back in the water.


While we were on land I made him stop for a few minutes and let me try to get under control. I was really freaking out. Me, the I-grew-up-so-hillbilly-not-afraid-of-nuthin little miss I've-canoed-lots-of-times-no-big-deal, sitting on a riverbank having a panic attack while C., (never been in a boat before c.) is just sitting next to me being all super brave and trying to calm me down. The more I think about it the harder it is to beleive. And I for real don't think he was afraid!


We had 3 more log jams to go around on land after that, and like 20 other obstacles to go around in the water. He never quite got the hang of how paddling affects the boat, and was getting sick of me telling him so I just learned to adjust to paddle against him and make it work out prettty well. By the end of the trip we were starting to get pretty good. (ok.... so good enough to just not die)


I was so happy when it was over I could have just shit. Crazy Mo-FO askes me if we can go again the next day. WTF? NO. Well, I guess I would have if we'd had more time to do it. Just to prove I'm not chicken. (and because every turn of that river is now burned into my brain and I would know where to start paniking and get to shore)


He made me take some pictures at one of our "stops." I don't LOOK scared, and he's all super happy like it's a friggin picnic or something. If he wouldn't have been brave we WOULD have been in trouble. He told me that it's ok for me to be girlie sometimes cuz it's his job to be "the man." I'm not sure how I feel about statements like that. In this case I'll let it slide cuz I really did need him to be "the man."


Sick.

Does he look the SLIGHTEST bit nervous? What The Hell?

I need a tan.

I freakin LOVE weird shit.

I'm stealing this theme of post from JV over at http://15minutelunch.blogspot.com/

But it's SO worth it!!! OH man I love the weird shit people put in front of their homes, and here is a little sample of mail boxes we've got in my neck-o-the woods. All except the last, which is my DADS are within 4 miles of where I work AND on the same road. These people are awesome.


Local lore is that the "box" below belongs to a retired bomb dismantler guy. You know like how you see on t.v. or in the movie speed? Anyways they say it got to him and he's a little loopy now, so I really don't see how having this as a mail box can be good for him, but whatever.

The next two I think are people that got tired of having their mail boxes smashed by teenagers. Look close at the one below and you'll notice it's covered in a thick wire mesh. Bash all you want, this is some heavy duty stuff.

OH man these guys are great!! They got so pissed they put up metal poles around their box. The BEST part is (look close at the second pic) they put up wire around the top of it. OH, OH, man that's too much.



I'm honestly not sure if they put it up to hold the poles together or to maim people, but either way it's awesome.




These guys are SO OMG SO my favorite. I have NO idea what happened here but I want to have a mail box just like this. The twisted hillbilly in me envy's it and the cheapskate in me respects their ingenuity.




Notice in the close-up their subtle versatility in using different types of bungee chords. Take in the beauty of the natural wood coupled with the use of the oh so manufactured tire. I think it's quite a statement don't you? It's a beauty. It's a bute!

The last in our series might help explain to anyone coming here why I get so fired up about this subject. (and why I envy the hillbilly's)

The next belongs to my Mom and Dad. In fact my Dad made this whole thing with his own two hands (and power tools). He really likes morel mushrooms, maybe you can tell. He's made one of these for my two of my uncles and one of my cousins. I know damn well that when C. and I buy our forever home that we will receive a penis I mean.... mushroom post for our very own.

Honest to goodness truth I love the little barn he made. The rooster goes up when you have mail to send out and I happen to think it's cute.

This is what the mail person sees when they open it up. A happy face. We're a happy bunch, and they might have smoked pot once or twice in their lives. Well MAYBE three times. Ahhhheemmm. aHHHmmm hm. Excuse me.

Come on you HAVE to smile when you see this. Go ahead, it'll make you feel better. :)

SONOFABITCH

My computer has gone nuts, can we say Virus? Anyways I'm on limited functionality and I'm pissed cuz I wanted to put up some pretty pictures of funny shit and now all I can do is type.


Anyways, Last night as I was eating a funny thought popped into my head. You know how people always go on and on about how beautiful a baby's skin is, how soft their hair and blah blah blah crap like that?

Has anybody ever thought about a baby's (is it babys or baby's? shit I've gone retarded) diet? After breast milk (or formula) they get only the best mushed up organic veggies, fruit, lean protein and carbs. A baby's diet for a day might consist of prunes, sweet potatoes, bananas and chicken. They don't get all the SALT like we do in our foods, or even the pesticides and crap like that. You don't see babies eating triple whoppers and sucking down a gallon of Vault. (ok, at least if your not a TOTAL hillbilly)

I'm not really thinking about going on a baby food diet to see what my skin will do, but it does make me wonder what would happen if you just kept giving kids baby food instead of "graduating" them into the land of hotdogs. That's what they show in the Gerber Graduates commercial - a baby eating miniature hot dogs. Why not graduate them right there with a mini can O spam and a bud light?

C. insists that we need to have a couple of halfbreed mini-mex/crackers and we've talked about (I told him what the hook goan be) kids and food. I gave him a list of things that I don't want to feed my kids.

Sorry Mom, but my kids won't be drinking a gallon of cool-aid a day like I did.

Buying 50 packs of ramen noodles for me when they were busy? -out-
Shoestring potato crips from sams club? -out-
Globs of butter on everything? -out- (their getting the zero calorie spray right along with me)
Spam (oh yeah they gave me spam) -out-

My parents did a good job, and I can't blame them for giving me convenience foods but I'm going to try my damnedest to give my kids healthier convenience foods.

One thing that freaks me out is C.'s view on candy. A friend of ours has a baby one year old that looks like a 2yr old and weighs even more. They placate him ALL the time with candy, and they think it's so cute that when they even whisper "candy" he comes running.
I told chino that I won't give my kids candy for as long as possible. He freaked out and said that I'm nuts and that kids should have a little sweet every once in a while. I asked him what his definition of every once in a while is and he told me
"You know, like once a day in the afternoon or something."

What about no. I'm not going to have some Pavlov baby fiening for candy at 2p.m. each day.

I know it won't be as easy as I'm making it sound, but if I'm going to take on the responsibility of raising a human I'm going to try my crazy best to do it as right as I can get.

God grant me the serenity ..... how about God grant me sterile?

I think I started typing about baby food and skin quality didn't I? See this is what happens when my computer is messed up, I get all retarded and just start typing shit.

Get it fixed you I.T. BASTARDS!!!!!!!

1000 SERVED

Last week sometime I got my 1000th visitor. I'm so geeked. Ok so a lot of blogs get like 1000 a day, and I know that a lot of my 1000 were repeat readers (which is so cool that somebody would read my crap more than once.) But I'm happy none the less

By the ultra coolness of my little site meter thingie I even figured out who it was.

SO -drum roll please !!!! - ......................

Somebody from GVSU in Allendale, MI you made my day. (i'm pretty sure I know who it is but I think it's a lurker and I'm not all about busting people out like that)

Sorry I don't have a prize for you, I'm kind of lame like that.

Mexican Mix-Up

C. and I have a lot of misunderstandings related to cultural differences and language barriers. Tell the truth it's a lot of fun and it makes things interesting to say the least.

The day before Easter we dyed eggs together. I got out the coloring tablets the vinegar and all that and he just stared at me like a mad scientist. He'd never seen anyone DYE eggs before. I guess when he was a kid they painted them. I wasn't about to let him use my oil paints so he had to settle for my haphazard collection of markers.

Anyways, that night I was hinting to him about how the Easter bunny would come in the middle of the night and hide eggs for "us" AHHHHEM (hide my eggs before I get out of bed beotch) He seemed to get it and said something about how the Easter bunny would leave an empty basket outside our bedroom door. In the middle of the night I got up to pee and got his Easter basket out of hiding and put it out for him to see when he got up.

Ok so when he got up in the morning I stayed in bed and waited to hear the tell tale noises of egg hiding. Nada. Nothing. ??????? I peeped out and he was just sitting there watching t.v. I got out of bed and wandered to the bathroom and ever so not obviously at all asked if the Easter Bunny had come. He just smiled at me and looked at me a little funny.

Needless to say I was momentarily crushed. Did he not care? Did he forget? DOES HE NOT LOVE ME?????

I went out and laid down on the couch and put my head on his knee and gave him a pitiful look. At this point he said to me, "Awwwwww are you waiting for the bunny to come? It's ok he'll come tomorrow" WTF??? I just didn't get it so I said a bit wretchedly "TODAY is Easter you do know that right?"
-"Yes"
"And you realize tomorrow is monday and I have to work in the morning right?"
-"Yes"
?????????????????????????? At this point we had to talk for like 10 minutes for me to get it out of him that he thought that I said that the Easter bunny hides the eggs on Easter NIGHT, and that he was going to do it at like 9 p.m. that night. I don't know how in the world he got this but sometimes it just happens.

He felt all stupid and didn't know what to do so I told him I was going to go and take a shower. I didn't need a shower and didn't want to take one but sometimes you gotta do what ya gotta do to give your boyfriend some time to hide your damn eggs and let him think he's still being sneaky about it.

Hide he did, all two dozen eggs to be exact. And HARD!!! Ever try keeping track of 2 dozen hidden eggs? Oh crap. AAAND he hid some plastic eggs as extras.

Guess what was in the plastic eggs?????? Little hand written love notes. OHOHOHOH OH MY. I never hinted for something like that, he just came up with it himself. OH I'm getting all goofy happy just typing about it, this is just sick.

The Last of the Nasty (I hope)

Ok enough organs for a while.

Maybe this next set of stuff gets eaten in the South, but I'm from here and I am a super cracker so I don't know.

Anyways let's get right to it shall we? Your not eating are you? Is this your lunch break? Ya got a pretty stable tummy? Ok here we go.

Ramen noodles. You know you've had em don't even try. I like the chicken and I like it a little soupy, I figure as long as I'm going to retain water from the 2000000 mg of salt I might as well do it right.
Anyways he makes them like a normal person and then busts out his extras.

Mayonesa. God forbid he use mayonnaise or GASP!!!!! Miracle Whip, no he must use the mexican brand of Mayo. Whatever, he throws in about a half cup of mayo and then starts to LAY ON the hot sauce. I tried it once and it's really not bad, but I'll just stick to my own thank you.

Speaking of Mayo - he slathers it on a piece of corn on the cob like no tomorrow, and then of course the sprinkle of hot sauce. I want my butter damn it. (actually calorie-free butter spray, but whatever)

I've seen one other person do this next one, I think it's a guy thing, he takes a packet of salted peanuts and puts the whole thing into an almost full bottle of pepsi.
I don't get it but he loves it. Gross.

Ok enough for now right? I'll move onto something else for a while, I wouldn't want to loose my 3 readers. Faithful friends that you are. Gracias! :)

More nasty Mexican Shit

Yes ladies gentlemen and perverts, barf indeed. But you came back didn't you? It's like a car wreck, and I'm not done yet, I have more to share. I'm a sweet girl, I like to share.

Tongue Tacos. Oh yes, right next to the chicken tacos, beef tacos and pork tacos on the Mexican store/eatery list is the "La Lengua" taco. You can get a "La Lengua Burrito" as well. Does tongue and taco make anybody else giggle like an 8th grader?

If you would like to create your own tongue creation at home (he prefers it like steak) it's easy to find in the "meat" section of the supermercado. Wrapped in cellophane glory there sits a foot long pale cow tongue, fully intact. To prepare at home you have to boil it for like an hour and then peel of the top 1/2 in layer that is the skin that holds the taste buds.

Also in the "meat" section are the aforementioned stomachs, intestines and tongue, PLUS, feet (cow and pig,) pig ears, and uncooked pig skin. I think the pig skin is to make your very own house brand of pork rinds. Perhaps I'll whip up a batch and prepare a nice artichoke and feta dip. I think the smokey flavor of deep fried SKIN will pair well with the feta.

Slightly less weird is C.'s relationship with green beans. Our first Thanksgiving together at my moms house he encountered green bean casserole for the first time. He ALLLLLMOST spit it back out on his plate, but managed with just the "puke" look on his face as he swallowed it on down. Thank goodness my mom is cool and got a pretty good laugh out of it. When I eat fresh steamed GB's he looks at me like I do when he eats his insides-soup.

Imagine my surprise when preparing scrabbled eggs the other morning when he asked me if I ever put green beans in them. I thought he was joking and told him not to be such a smart ass when I have a knife. Apparently he was serious, and come to find out he will eat just about anything green if it's covered in some scrabbled eggs. Green beans, asparagus and cactus to name a few. What the living hell?

OOOHHH!!! But wait here's a great little twist, he looked like I was pouring diesel fuel in my eggs when I added shredded cheese. Who doesn't like cheesy scrambled eggs? He ALSO despises cheese on tacos. Honestly what an all out freak, did his mother eat too many peppers when he was in the womb? Did it fry his brain?
Pun intended, thank you, thank you very mcuh.

Monday I'll tell you about my experience with cactus, along with the strange shit he does to ramen noodles and what craziness. he does to corn.

Wish me luck in yet another weekend with my mexican culinary horror show I call Mi Amor.

Nasty shit my Mexican eats

Don't get me wrong, I Love him like pandas do bamboo. I'd be fine with bamboo. But I'll be damned if he doesn't eat some of the nastiest shit. OK so yeah I know he comes from a different culture and I'm supposed to respect that and have an open mind and blah blah blah...
But he thinks that American doughnuts are freakin gross, broccoli is evil and that I'm insane for eating a raw tomato. We make fun of each other for our differences, and quite frankly it's much more fun than being 100% respectful of cultural differences.

Anyways, here is a list of some of the weird and nasty that I just don't comprehend.

Stomach Soup. Oh. My. G-d. If you go to the mexican store and check out the "meat" section, there it is. Wrapped up in cellophane, a pale giant ass deflated cow stomach. AND APPARENTLY the yummiest concoction to be made from stomach is soup.
-ya know maybe if they cut it up in little strips and deep fried the hell out of it it wouldn't freak me out, but the thought of a stomach, something that once held a "soup" of it's own being put in broth just kind of makes me think of it in it's natural state. Does anybody else get it? Stomach-liquid-ewww.

Moving on down the digestive tract to our next culinary horror we reach the intestines. OH boy does he LOVE these. They also make soup out of intestines, go figure. When we first got together I told him that under no circumstances would I EVER cook this for him. And I won't. But luckily !! Oh yiippee AYE! AYE! AYE !! They make it every weekend at the mexican store, and sell it by the bucket. He requested some a couple of weeks ago, he was CRAVING it. I dutifully brought him home a bucket and got out a can of spaghettios for myself.

Wonderful loving man that he is he reminded me of our pact to at least TRY each others different foods at least once. Fuck.

I thought it would be pretty damn gross, and I was really expecting something bad. And then he opened his bucket and I was taken to a new level of revulsion. They cut up the intestines into BIG chunks like and inch and a half by an inch and a half. I poked around at a piece of it to get a good look and low and behold the fucking Discovery channel did not lead me astray this shit looked just like on the t.v.

But we promised each other. So I got a spoon, tried to find the smallest piece and did it. -this is the part of the story that I'm supposed to say, "hey it really wasn't bad at all! :) tee hee" What the fuck ever it was actually worse than I had imagined. The flavor of the broth was fine but the intestine was like a giant piece of chewy steak fat. That's the best way I can describe it.

While he was eating I noticed him pull some bones of his bowl and suck them clean. I said "What the hell are those?" And he replied "Oh! those are the feets! MMMM!" I decided to further investigate his bucket with a long spoon and found this weird stringy clear looking thing and once again asked what the hell THAT was. He told me "Oh THOSE are gooood, it's like a nerve or something."

Feet and intestine soup, I wonder why they didn't throw in some stomach just to round out the digestive melody. Maybe it's like having to much of a good thing.

Fuckin A.

Ok I've got more stuff but I'll save it I've already typed enough for you to read and deal with for one day.

*shudder*

Note To Self:

Note to self:

Aaahhem.

When engaged in a certain activity with a certain boyfriend, and the certain activity is surprisingly short in length of time; DO NOT under any circumstances (even if you really are surprised) do not say out loud and with utter disbelief
"Oh ALREADY????"

Wow. Ooops.

Ahem.

Jelly Beans piss me off.

I freaken love Easter. My mom and I still color eggs together, and up until the day I moved out she still had them hid for me when I woke up in the morning.
- Not to worry though, when I go and visit on Easter she still hides them before I show up. The cutest thing is that in the morning before I come my Mom and Dad actually hide them for each other. We're some Easter lovin' beotches fo show.


Ok anyways, jelly beans. My stepmom gave me an Easter basket yesterday (she's so sweet) and it had a bag of jelly beans in it. (Actually they are Russell Stover sugar free and they taste pretty damn good for zero sugar.)

But the shitter of it is picking through the 20 different colors and trying to find one that isn't nasty. The FIRST one I picked out, an innocent looking red with yellow speckles, I'm thinking apple? strawberries and cream? Yum?

Fucking cinnomin. I HATE fake cinnomin candy. What's up with the fucking misleading yellow speckles you Russ Stover Assholes? The traditional cinno-shitty-bean is ALL red, usually darker red, and has NO bastard ass speckles. Usually with the pure red beans I can do a test bite to quickly see if it's a cinnoshit and can be thrown away.

Freakin bitches. See this cracked out rabbit? That's how this makes me feel.




Creepy ass lookin rabbit.

As a slight redeamer they do put in a large percentage of the butter popcorn kind that I really love. I bet those gross some people out but I love em.

C. has never had a U.S. style Easter and I'm a probably a little overexcited about having him color his first eggs with me. My mom still writes *MY NAME* on a couple of eggs and I still put "I *heart" MOM" and "I *heart* Dad" on a few of mine.
I'm more than a little more than curious to see what he will write on his eggs and what kind of designs he comes up with.

I'm going to make him his first easter basket AND we're gonna hide eggs for each other. And I'm going to tell him that he has to carry his empty easter basket around with him to gather up the eggs. Cuz I think it will be funny and he'll believe me and I'm gonna take pictures and put them on my myspace to make fun of him.