Chucky Cheese and Cheeto

My Father and Step Mother Met C. last night. After 6 months of worrying we finnaly did it.

At Chucky Cheese!!!! YAAAAAYYYYY I love Chucky Cheese!! Well, ah-hhem, my little brother loves Chucky Cheese. Ah Ahem. Scuse me.

How perfect a place to meet? Public, loud enough so we didn't have to talk a lot, and distracting as hell. Oh yes and no firearms allowed, how convienent!!! OMG it was the best EVER for a first meet.

My little brother LOVED C. and referred to him first as Keno and then Cheeto. AAAHHAHAHAHA Cheeto. I'm not sure my Dad could have smiled any bigger to hear D. call him Cheeto. He was very proud of his son.

I asked (forced) Cheeto to play the water shooting game with D. You know the one where you have to aim shooting water at a tiny hole? C. momentarily went into the man mode I-must-win-no-matter-what- even though my opponent is 6. Yes that one. Not to worry Sissy was there and reminded mr. Cheeto. (i wrenched the handle from his death grip and slowed his ass down) nicely that he's playing my leeeetle brother. After that D. made him play 6 more times and was such a badass (ahem) that he won every game.

I'm so proud of my Parents. My Dad didn't even LOOK like he wanted to cause bodily harm to C. and my Step Mom smiled and didn't carry mace around her neck. I'm honestly grateful.

Damn my little brother and his ridiculously cute ass. I'm not really into kids, I kind of don't like them at all, but he does something to me that turns me into mush. Bastard. Anyways, I'll follow him anywhere and do anything or play any game he asks. Upon seeing this new behavior in me, Cheeto my little children loving-thinks I'll make a great mom-wants to make one RIGHT NOW- tortilla chip love was filled with hope anew. Fuck.

Christ he was all super lovey happy mushy telling me how good I am with kids and what not. BBLleck. I made sure to tell him that I can only do it for like 4 hours and then I want to collapse. Or maybe crawl into a dark quiet cave and stay a bit. Either way really.

Bluetooth Cyborg Dorks

Anybody else laugh at bluetooth wearers because they look like retarded cyborgs?

Cuz I do.

I wonder how long until they start making little clip-ons for them with hello kitty and star trek symbols on them. And rhinestones.

My Mexican Played the RACE Card on ME!!! (not smart buddy)

C. has taken on a second job. Tuesday thru Thursday he's going to go strait from one to the other and not be home until late at night. I'll miss him but it's o.k. it'll give me time to catch up on things like being lazy and hanging out with friends and did I mention watching t.v. and being LAZY?????

Monday this week he heard me talking to Jaybird about hanging out with Travis. We haven't been together long enough for him to know Travis, for God's sake even I haven't seen T. in years. He got all pissy and I tried to explain to him that T. is gay, and that hanging out with him is ok. (and that I'm going to do what I damn well please anyway)

Little beotch threw back at me "How would you like if I hung out with a lesbian?" Bastard that's different.

Tuesday while he was working I went out to dinner with my boss and her friend. I had two long Islands (mmmmmmmm) and stayed out a bit late. I guess he had been trying to call me and I didn't know it and when he got home and smelled alcohol on my breath he wasn't buying my dinner with boss "story". WTF???

Wednesday he had an hour in between the two jobs to be home and I didn't know so when my friend Jaybird showed up looking all cute before he left he just KNEW that we were going out and that I was doing SOMETHING wrong. Truth is we were just going to Meijer and Jaybirds a cute dresser.

So yesterday I was fed up with him acting all assy for the few minutes a day I get to see him and laid a big ass guilt trip on him and told him not to be a bastard. I've done NOTHING wrong, I don't cheat, I'm not going to cheat and I just about can't believe that he doesn't trust me.

He's never been cheated on and his reasoning for being such a dillhole is that.... Wait. ..wait. oh my... ha ha ha ...here it comes -

"I'm a Mexican"

me- "Exuse me?"
"
We're like that. White guys are different they don't care"


Oh silly silly corn hole you just set yourself up to be flogged, silly stupid boy.

I laid a big ole thing on him about just because his skin is darker than mine that he doesn't get to be a jealous asshole for no reason. And a little bit about how I don't care what culture he was raised in or how his friends are with their women, because he is a grown man and is more than capable for thinking for himself.

I have a friend that was raised in a super racist family and she managed to grow up, make her own decisions, think for herself and have her own opinion about what the color of a persons skin means. (she's not a racist like them, and it gives me hope)

Oh goofy boy you just don't know who you're dealing with.

The race card?? Oh. My. God. No. He di-int!!! HAHAHAHAHAHhahah ah ha. I still can't believe it. Anyways all is well now. I'm relieved to say that he is able of seeing stuff from a different view if presented (beat into his head) to him in the right manor.

Oh, ho ho I'm still laughing. OH me oh my.

Do NOT Let a Mexican Buy You a Car

If I didn't love him and I liked to hit people I would KICK C' S ASS.

Bless his little fajita heart but I'm in awe of what he really purchased. I mentioned him buying the new car a couple of weeks ago. You know, the one that is a stick? And he's never drove a stick and asked me, the used to be a TRUCK DRIVER girl if I know HOW to drive a stick??? Yes that one.

Well, I taught him how to drive it and he picked up on it pretty well but I guess he just doesn't feel comfortable with it. No biggie I thought his car was better than mine so I was happy to trade. OH ho ho ho silly silly hor.

First off I figure out the LIGHTS don't work. Fucking lights!?!?! Who goes to buy a car and doesn't check the light's?? What the shit fire hell bean boy??

Ok ok. He fixed the lights. I'm ok now.
So at the grocery store I decide to put my stuff in the trunk, whatever, go to close the trunk lid and BBOOING! It come flying back up at me. The trunk does not close. The people had apparently gunked it up with something so that it would stay closed until opened, but then, free game. So I had to drive around an entire DAY with a boing boing trunk with people honking at me. WWWHHHHOOOOOOOO buys a car without checking the fucking trunk for dead bodies?? Come. ON!! Dead Bodies for rizzle! Thankfully he fixed it (bungee chord free thank god cuz that is SO ghetto.)

Next. I THOUGHT his stereo was better than mine cuz it has a cool CD playa but guess what, the balance was turned all the way to one side of the car because the other side has blown freakin speakers. Hell.

You better buy me some speakers you little frijole fart.

Done yet?? Well good heavens no. Yesterday I took it to get it washed (something I never do but it's black and looks like hell with shit on it) During the first pass of high pressure water I was oh so NOT fucking surprised to be abso-shit-fucking-lutely DRENCHED in water because the seal around the windshield is gone or dead or just not there. And of course this would be the one day that I pay for the 8 dollar wash, therefore having to sit there and be gushed upon over and over and over. Who's the wetback now?? Oh well, at least I can dry off. (ooo might have went too far there but I'm joking and he's my wetback so I'm not erasing it)

Also the seat adjusting handle doesn't have it's nice little rubber handle, just bare metal, and it ripped the ass in my jeans. Yesterday. After the car wash.

NOW this morning as I went to get the dew off my window by rolling it down, the driver side power in the window started cutting out. I got it to go back up and I'm leaving it that way until I forget about it and try it again. I swear if I end up with PLASTIC for a window like I see some people have to do I'll, I'll, I don't know but he better fix it or his ass is driving the ghetto fucker.

He bought it because it "looks really nice." I.E. Pretty. Pretty?? Lindsay Lohan is pretty but that don't mean the ho doesn't have a drug problem and herpes for god sake. YOU CAN'T SEE SYPHILIS YOU LITTLE love of my life BEANER!!

GAAAWW. No more car buying for little love tortilla. Oh no, he's done. Done Done Done like the meat in a fajita, we're talkin done.

Not so Wordless Wednesday

My Dad has this hanging on his wall at home. It IS an actual skull that my Dad found in the Ozark mountains where we have a little cabin. I was like 8 when he found it and the way he presented it to my Mom and I scared the absolute SHIT out of us both. Anybody good with bones? Got a guess as to what it really is? Click and blow it up maybe it'll be easier for you.


My Dad still loves to mess with new people when they come to their house the first time. It's a hillbilly dream piece.

Our First Barbeque. OMFG.

C. and I got a new grill last week and wanted to have a cookout this weekend for my parents and a couple of his friends. Our neighbors grill all the time and feed us so it's about freaking time we pay them back you know?

Anyways C. told me that he invited them (there's like 6 of them living there) but he only thought MAYBE 3 would show up. I of course figured he had been huffing paint and planned on at least 8 plus my parents and us. Then as we were shopping I remembered that there are a ton of people that drive by our house every day and HONK to say hello. I don't quite get the honking thing btw because living is such close proximity to others kind of defeats the purpose of the honk hello. It's more like living on an LA freeway during rush hour on a day that starbucks has been closed down due to lack of soy milk, everybody's pissed off and nobody can really figure out who or what is really being honked at.

Blah, I digress. I bought enough food to feed an army knowing damn well that it would get used and all the while justifying it to C. by saying that we would eat what didn't get used later in the week.

Being a Mexican it seems like he would GET that a ton of people would just show up. He must have some sort of weird mexican true stereotype block on his brain or something. I don't know but it's a damn good thing that I'm well versed in stereotypes. Go cracker Go.

So, he planned on MAYBE 7 people, and how many did I manage to feed? TWENTY ONE. I think. There might have a couple more but good lord jumping bean it was a little nuts.

Speaking of beans, Holy Fuckin Frijole those people can eat. Leftovers? Food for later in the week to cook? HAHAHAHAHAHA No. But we had fun and all that blah blah so whatever.

Perhaps the highlight was my Dad getting drunk and trying to hug everyone before they left. In case you don't know, Mexicans aren't' touchy freely folk and my dad tried at one point to hug and OLD mexican man. Wow! That was awkward, stiff and accompanied by me silently praying "please don't slug my Dad, please don't beat my dad." C's used to it now and takes it pretty well but these poor people were really in for it.

BTW did I mention that all 20 mexicans present (cept c.) speak zero to 5 words of english and my parents speak zero? Right, my Dad trying his best to do scarades and communicate was beautiful. But you know what the craziest part was? They liked him! Because he was drinking BEER. They thought that was cool cuz they were drinking beer too and the cracker wasn't a stiff.

Who needs word communication when you have meat, gestures and beer.

God bless America.

13 Things That Pissed Me Off While Running Yesterday

1. It was fucking HOT!!!

2. The wind was blowing. I'll explain later. (normally a good thing on a hot day)

3. I have certain areas of my body that I'd like to keep covered while running.

4. The FUCKING wind plastered my shirt to these areas.

5. These areas move with me as I run. Actually they move around more than I do.

6. I was sweating because it was stupid ass crack HOT!

7. This further plastered my shirt to my body.

8. FUCK!! Running is supposed to make me feel good and not like a self conscious freak.

9. There was a retarded amount of traffic to witness me in all of my glory.

10. My Shit Bastard walkman ate my Nickelback tape. Yes you assholes my TAPE!!

11. I seriously doubt I can buy a replacement tape. Do they make them anymore?

12. My burrito man doesn't understand why I turn beet red because he's not a white person and feels the need to question me about it and stare like I'm about to spontaneously combust and he might have to put me out.

13. Did I mention that I jiggle? I think I did. Fuck Fuckity bitch fuck.

Old people and sticks

Why do old people always carry a stick when they go out for a walk? Not a walking stick but like a 2-3 foot thing that looks like they picked it up off the side of the road. And not really in the Ghetto, but more like in rural areas, although sometimes in suburban places as well. ( I'm afraid to think why they DON'T carry in the Ghetto but I suspect maybe they've got something a little more low profile.)

Does anybody else see this? Am I missing something important here? When I run all I carry is a walkman.

Oh oops, sort of outed myself there with the walkman thing. Does anybody even know what that is? You bitches listen here before you and your ipod asses start making fun of me cuz I'm not lugging around some big ass CD player that's going to skip and piss me off, and I'm too cheap/poor for an MP3 or Ipod. OMG I SOOOOO want an Ipod. A green one.

God I can't even take my walkman to the gym. I'm too afraid people will either laugh at me or think it's a bomb.

Anyways, old people, sticks. Is if for protection? Are they afraid of wild dogs or something? Why has this been lost on newer generations? Is there some sort of old people letter you get with your first SS check that informs you that you need to start carrying a club if you want to be cool? WTF???

I googled "old guy with a stick" and came up with a shillelagh -

It's a 2-4 foot club that was used by Irish people back in the day to beat the shit out of each other, or just to carry around for protection from muggers and stuff. Check out the pick I found it looks like a bunch of gnarled penis sticks. Dildo sticks. Cool. The one kind of looks like the end of a poop and I don't think I could get turned on by that. But anyways.

I still don't know why old people do it. Were there more wild attacking animals back in the day? Are they still afraid of hippies or something? Maybe it's the emo kids. I think the emo kids NEED to be beat by old people.

Ok I'm done. Anybody here carry a stick? Sassy? Ever almost kill anybody with a stick?

Will have sex with Johnny Depp for free.

Ok so I saw the new pirates movie this weekend. I'm a little pissy about part of the ending but what ever.

Actually you know what? No.

Fuck You Disney you misleading bastards. At one point about 3/4ths the way through the movie when they are trying to make everything look like there's just no way the good guys can win I actually sat back in my seat and had a mental moment reassuring myself that in fact this is NOT a Nicholas Sparx book, it's Disney, and Disney WILL give me the happy ending I crave.

I want my cushy mommy kissed it and made it all better ending. Fuck irony, fuck plot twists, and fuck everything that isn't my perfect how did they pull that out of their ass happy ending.

Ok so for those of you who haven't seen it don't get all freaked out, for you I'm sure it won't be half as bad as I'm making it out to be but for me it wasn't the perfection I felt I deserved.

Fuckers.

Top it off, TODAY I have to go and see Shrek 3 with C. cuz he loves those movies. I'm not going to talk shit about them, the first one WAS funny, but I can think of better things to do. Oh well, he really gets a slam out of them. I think it has something to do with translation. He's trying so hard to keep up that his brain skips the "this was funny the FIRST time" message.

Did I mention that Disney can fuck off? Didn't want anybody to forget, just in case.

Duct Tape + Roses = Love

Yesterday I think my Mexican was trying to woo and impress my hillbilly side.

When I got home from work I noticed that he had washed my car. (I took his car to work cuz it's cuter than mine, has a better C.D. player and I am in the process of stealing it from him)

Anyways, I went inside to say thank you and he asked me if I had looked inside. Inwardly I cringed just a bit because I am a BASTARD about keeping the inside of my car clean. It just doesn't happen and I figured he was hinting that he had cleaned that as well. Actually HE was the last person to clean it out, and since then I had quite effectively shitted it up again. My bad.

Anyways I walked back out (in my socks, beautiful ghetto princess that I am) and to my surprise I saw 3 roses on my dash. And here's where it get's good. The roses weren't laying on the dash, they were attached.

With duct tape.

He wanted them to be in an upright position and figured the best way to get them that way would be to duct tape the shit out of them until he reached the desired effect. We DO have clear packing tape in the house so it's not like he didn't have a choice. Oh yes he chose only the best for me.

That's my kind of love right there. Ok and there was a card too, get out your barf bag if your sensitive to mush. It said "There are 4 beautiful flowers in this car right now. This 3, and you. "

AWWWWwwww Ok so there was nothing funny about that part but I'm proud of my little jumping bean.
I asked him if he came up with the card writing by himself and he gave me his best "black girl" head wobble and his little mexican hiss. All of that stuff translates to "yes you beotch I can't believe you asked."

But the duct tape. That's beautiful.