I've Learned Something From My Last Post

Wow, holy gosh and gee golly whiz. Either I have THE coolest group of blogger readers (well duhhhhh you know yall are) or ....

1. That Mom and Dad you see when driving by the grocery store or soccer field with four kids, two diaper bags, a stroller, a backpack, and a minivan? Chances are those two are going to gramas house to drop them kids off and then mosey on over to the church to get freaky in the bathroom. (no that's not my family it's just some really cool random family of whoms picture I stole off of the internet) ;)

2. If it's a public place - it's been sexed upon. WASH YOUR HANDS people, I'm for real.

3. You and I were both most likely conceived in an illegal manner.

4. Ew. this means that my parents have got it on all freakey-deek GAWD knows where and one of these days my mom is gonna start opening up even MORE than she already has been (mom I'm for real you've got to stop) and is going to tell me some of the krazy places that she's been gettin it on.

5. I am one Vanilla hor. I'm so lame that if I were a porn I'd be the one on skin-a-max where the girl is sitting on the guys STOMACH almost on his chest and is pretending that his belly button is his wang. Some folks yell at sports, I yell at that chick. "This is GAY! You're no where NEAR his dong! Stop screaming hor! His belly hair can't feel THAT good on your clit!! I HATE this channel!!!"

BTW, COME ON!!! Where are the rest of you?? I know you're not virgins come on don't be shy, it's just me -your sweet neighbor hood hor :) Tell mamma hor and her little friends your dirty seeeeecrets. ;)

Lesson learned, moving on. SPARX over at http://notes-inside-my-head.blogspot.com/ gave me this here award that you may have noticed to your right. The nod alone makes me feel all gushy and warm and *blush* and feet shuffle-ee but she actually wrote a whole diddy about me on her blog and said like way too many nice things about me that made me go into the "He-Hullk-Garsh" mode where (if I were in public) I would feet shuffle and keep trying to put my hair behind my ears over and over even though it's already there because I need something to do with my hee-haw-nervous-happy self. Would you believe I'm quite shy when I first meet people?

I look up to Sparx as one of those "cool" bloggers that has lot's of readers and is a really good writer and is way super funny and and and "CRAP I wish I could be like THAT" - people. You guys get what I mean right? Like one of those people that it makes you more than a little bit giddy to see that they bother to put a comment on YOUR blog? Ok ok whatever I know I'm a super dork, but it's not like I didn't warn you.

When I first found her I went back and read every last post from the beginning, yes she's one of THOSE people. You know you don't do that with everybody, only the special people that you can read like a real book. For heavens sake she refers to her child as a "Spud." And not because it's just some cute leeetle nick name, no it's because he's one of those "plush" baby's and she's freaking funny. She's honest and funny AND a great mom. Actually she's one of those super great moms that you look at and think "Damn I'll never be like that, I'll be lucky if my child SURVIVES let alone gets organic homemade baby food and environmentally friendly nappies." (Ok so maybe some of you have confidence that you could keep a child ALIVE, but I'm just sharing what goes through my head)

Ok so anyways it feels like one of my very own heroes has given me a pat on the back and a wink for a job well done just like you see people do to retarded kids on t.v. when they save the day. I haven't saved the day but damn it I got my pat.

Sex In Strange Places (no, not my ass)

All the talk about sex in the park, and talking to Lady Latte got me to thinking about sex in crazy places.

I remember before I had even HAD sex that I had a list of places that I wanted to do it in. Honestly the only two that I can remember my lame virginal mind coming up with were an elevator and the top of the space needle. (ha ha dork :) Now I'm actually sitting here trying to think if I've ever actually did it anyplace cool. ? ? ? ? Ah hell I'm a hor I'm gonna need to brainstorm.........

Oo! I remember one time on a canoe trip we pulled the canoe over to the side of the river and ran into the woods for a stand-up quickie. OMG! I'm not sure what the hell I was thinking we were so SO in plain site! If another canoe-er would half floated by... oh dear. I might be a hor but I'm not into subjecting people to that.

Oooooo!! This is a good one, I forgot about it till now - We were out for a walk one time and crossed over a GIGANTIC drainage tube. You know like the big metal round ones they put under roads for a creek or small stream? We'd never seen one so large and wanted to climb down just to check it out (why yes I really AM that hillbilly and easily amused.) The creek was almost dried up and little miss I-want-to-do-it-somewhere-cool hit 'im up for another krazy-quik-ee. I think that might be one of my favorites.

Let's see. . . Well I guess almost everybody around here has snuck down to lake Michigan at one time or another and got their illegal freak on after dark. Hell at least we didn't leave a condom in the sand like other gross folk. Look at it! It's so beautiful and it lights up at night. How can anyone resist???

Honestly? I'd never done anything in a vehicle till last summer. Late blooming hor??

Who knows but that streak ended in a pick-up truck in the middle of a grape vineyard. And then in the truck in an apple orchard. And then the grapes again. :) Maybe we had a thing for fruit?

Hmmmm. . . Camping! Our campground is private but DOES have neighbors so we when we took it outside we placed ourselves strategically on ye ole blanket on the ground on the "hidden" side of our camper. Granted the camper is like a foot off the ground but hell it was dark. S'okay.

I can't think of anymore right now, perhaps I'm sort of a sad example of a hor. I DID try to lure my Mexican outside the day before yesterday. We got new couches and the other is still out on the curb waiting to be taken away. If we would have angled it just right we would have been pretty much out of sight and it WAS dark. Poor tortilla chip was still traumatized by the whole movie and park incidents to be into it. Ah well today is a new day and that couch IS still there.

Oh tor-tiiiiiiiiiiiillllaaaaa !. . . . . . .

Alright you's guys N gals, come on it's share time! Bring out your skeltons and share a couple of your adventures with your fav. hor. Come oonnnnn don't be shy we've all got a little ho inside us just waiting to be shared. Go anon if you have to, I promise not to bust anybody out!!! Come ON!!! :)

No Sex On The Playground

Ok so it WAS broad daylight and not even a seasoned hor like myself is willing to risk scarring a child for life. But my GAWWDD just LOOK at the POSSIBILITIES this place has

(btw there was nobody there when we went (im not a perv) I got these pics off google image)

If my enchilada man wasn't such a damn prude (bless his heart) I
would seriously entertain for REAL thoughts of coming back in the wee hours of the morning.


Do you guys have these giant wooden playgrounds where you come from? We've got one in every small town around here and they're friggin great. When I was a wee-one we even had a week long day camp where parents could drop kids off every day and we could just run wild and play all day. OH MAAANN I loved going to that park!!


My Mexican has never been to one (poor baby for real!) and Sunday after going to see the Simpsons movie we happened to drive by one. Hmmm.... perfect day, empty parking lot. . . *insert sound of screeching brakes and U-turn* and we were on our way. Poor enchilada just wasn't INTO it like me. He kept saying that he just doesn't find it to be fun but I'm pretty sure he was just terrified that a real mom might show up with real children at any second. Poor baby, as I ran around like a chicken with it's head caught off he scanned the "Park Rules" about 5 times trying REALLY hard to find an age limit. Sorry pal, HA!!


We've got a few tough things on our plate right now so I sort of get his lack of enthusiasm but damn it I TRIED to impress him the best I could. I did my very best on the *ahem* fire poll *ahem hee hee* AND didn't even manage to fall on my head!! Come on beotch I was upside down on that big ole rod!! I think I deserved a standing ovation for not breaking my neck thank-you-very-much.

Ah well he wasn't having it so I ran around and hit all the slides. I DID manage to get him to try a couple of neato toys but damn him and his grown up sense of balance it's just not as fun if you don't fall off of the wiggle plank like 10 times before managing to stay on for 3.2 seconds. He got on and just stood there. Bastard - I knocked him off, shook it up real good and made him get back on. BITCH! What does he have a built in gyroscope? Damn it he just wouldn't fall off!
Dirty hor I'll get 'im drunk, take him back and THEN we'll see who has superior balance!

Movie Time

Rush Hour 3 - Same as usual - Funny as hell and cool/neato/ fighting. Perhaps I'm just plain simple but I don't care how many times they do the same shit over and over, Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker have the greatest chemistry together and continue to crack. me. up.

They did that funky dance that they do together to the War song, ya know that song that goes "War! Huh! What-iiiiis it-good-for ab-so-lute-ly......" so on and so on. Anyways we had a cool crowd in the theater and a whole bunch of the people started singing and clapping along. YAY how fun I wanted to get up and do my own funky dance. But when I started clapping and "HU!! -ing" C. kind of slouched down in his seat.

No clappy clappy? No. Ah well I figured I'd save my funky dance for when we got out into the parking lot. HA! Beotch you can only slouch so much when walking but folks will still know you're with my funky movin ass.
------- Ok so maybe he ran ahead of me and pretended like I was a crazy dancin stalker yelling "Don be shamed my LOVE-A! Come 'N' dance with me! Shake that booty Daddy! Give mama some SWAAANG!!"

No swaaaang for me just a dirty look. Ah well at least I had some fun, poor mortified love tortilla is worried that I might not ever develop this whole dignity or sense of shame thing that he thinks someone of my age should posses but S'okay, he'll get it eventually.

Almost Saw My Co-Workers Wee Willy

EEEEK!! I went to the bathroom (we have one to share, not that big of a place but could use two for heavens sake) saw that the light was on (normal) and that the door was opened about 6 inches.

Thank goodness I'm frightened to quickly enter the bathroom when it's only opened a crack. Why? Because all of our guys here take their daily dump at work and it can get pretty fierce in there. After a scary dump some of them (instead of god forbid CLOSING the door and running the fan) they just leave the door open a crack to keep MOST of the horror inside and just let it sllooowwly seep out and torture me at my desk.

Anyways I saw the tell tale napalm dump/door crack and went forth with extreme caution.


AHHHHH!!!! As I slowly opened the door I heard tinkling noises that my ears immediately identified as NOT hand washing. I stopped just in time to see only the back side of my sideways turned co-worker. Listen, he's a nice guy but holy damn to hell and BACK I do not want to see this guys wiggle worm. To get an idea check the guy to the right. Sans Dirty logo on T-shirt and add a few holes. Oh, oh my my my my my, deep breath, I'm ok, breath.... breath. Ok. I'm ok.


And what did he DO when I said "EEEKK!" and backed out as fast as possible? "Oh! he-hulk" Threw his dippy-do back in his sweat pants and came directly out.

Hand washing? Please? No? Oh. ok.

"Hee haw I thought the door was closed."
Really? Because we REALLY have to yank on that bitch to get it to closed. What. Ever.

He didn't wash his hands and he TOUCHED the door knob. And the Toilet seat. I'm not exactly miss priss or anything but COME ON!!!

*Full body shudder* EEeaahhhuuuuaahhhhLkk

Silly Hor, Nair is just NOT for you (or your va-jay-jay) dummy

I try Nair (you know the hair removing chemical stuff that smells really bad?) every couple of years or so thinking that it's gonna get better. Really, I'm that lame that I believe they've perfected a NEW and IMPROVED formula!

This years attempt was inspired by reading a forum about removing girl down-there-hair. Waxing is just out of the question for me. Have you TRIED it? OH GOLLLY GOLL CRAP it rips you apart and leaves the hair!! AHHHHHHH. Ok. Moving on.

Shaving the va-jay-jay - Oh hell I'm just not gonna do it to you guys. For once I'll leave something to the imagination and just say that it's not working out for me.
So anyways I read on this forum that a lot of chicks use Nair or Veet or other stuff and once again found myself at the store searching for a miracle cure. In the past Nair has always ended up burning me and LEAVING the hair. Nice. Really attractive. So this time I went for a recommended sensitive skin Veet.

Does anybody realize or KNOW from personal experience how hard it is to put a scary cream all over your girlie (or man) parts WITHOUT touching sensitive skin? SHIT!!!

Picture it, Sicily, 1943.....
Ok no, how about my dumb ass in the bathtub one leg up and contorted all to hell trying to get the best view of my lady flower - does anyone remember that I'm SUPER CLUTZ??? I ended up slipping on some shampoo residue, falling on my ass and squirting the tube of scary cream everywhere, all the while squishing and spreading said scary cream onto girly parts that were never meant to be touched by it.

At first it was just a cooling tingling sensation and I thought, "Oh ok, I'm going to be alrig..... AAHH ah ah burning! burns! burns! Shit! Crap! Ow! AYYEEEEEEEE HycheeWaWa! Turn the water back on!!!! Of course only the hot water came on at first - how soothing - AND I managed to forget that I had squirted the tube everywhere when I fell and started to play ice rink in yee ole tub.

Guys? Gals? Ever pull a groin muscle trying not to fall down on ice? Well you can do it in the tub too, just so ya know.

Luckily I bought this neat-O cream neutralizing cream wash that you can put on after using products like this so that any chemicals that soap and water misses will be put to rest.

My prized lady part came out just fine, if you don't count the fact that it looks like it has MANGE because only patches of hair came out.


Sorry I was TRYING to not go there but I just. can't. help myself.

Lesson learned? Probably not, give me a couple of years.

Meijer Will Suck Ballsack In A Disaster

Last night when I was shopping at Meijer the power went off in the store. It was only for a moment and then half of it came back on. One side of the store was dark and the other light and none of the customers seemed disturbed in the least. I figured AH what the hell they'll get this shit up and running by the time I get done. Ah ha ha silly silly girl.

Just as I was finishing up about 45 minutes later, I overheard one worker talking to another about how all of the cash registers were shut down. WTF? The cash registers were in the lighted half of the store - got. to . be . kidding. me. I went up to the cashier section and holy shit EVERYBODY was gone! No cashiers no people and there were a shit load of full carts just left abandoned. Wha? I looked back into the store and just like me 1 minute ago there were people going about their business, shopping away and oblivious to the fact that they weren't going to be able to BUY the shit in their carts. Really? Honestly? I looked around some more and there were workers straitening clothes racks, standing around talking, doing whatever but obviously NOT bothering to mention to people what the FUCK was going on.

I went further down the store to where I spotted some folks talking and came up upon a freaking PANICKED worker chick half yelling at the people listening to her - "ALL THE REGISTERS ARE DOWN! THEY ARE SAYING IT WILL BE FOUR HOURS, YOU ARE WELCOME TO WAIT, BUT OUR MAIN CONCERN NOW *heavy breathing* IS TO GET ALL OF THE FROZEN GOODS BACK TO THEIR CASES FROM ABANDOND CARTS!" All the while she was panicked yelling she was - OMG - chucking and trowing frozen good out of one cart and into another. (I just walked around the store with frozen shrimp for 45 minutes and they were still happy and froze) I sort of wanted to tell the girl that throwing, chucking and slamming the frozen goods around and upside down was probably going to harm them a bit more than taking all of 2 minutes to round up the 10 people re-folding clothing to FUCKING HELP HER.

I kind of didn't want to wait four hours so I took my shrimp back myself and left the rest of my cart up front with the other abandons. I took a good long look at the products that I had painstakingly picked out, tried to remember them the best I could and walked out. I'm picky AND cheap, shopping takes me a while.

On the way out I noticed a group of Old folk that were pissed and I believe about to revolt. They were bitching about how the store people needed to just dang well get out some calculators and do it the old fashioned way. Back in their day they didn't even HAVE calculators and this display of ineptitude was a cryin shame.

They got me to thinking though, just how computer dependant that store really is. Computers do the inventory, pricing, discounting, payments and even weigh our vegetables. Even if they did pull out calculators they would have no idea what was on sale or what half the stuff cost - let alone how much my snow peas weighed. Sorry old folk, no dice.

So yeah, if a disaster strikes don't rush to Meijer to stock up on canned foods cuz they'll shut the door on your ass. AND you won't be able to ride the pony for a penny. No that's not me but I'd like to just to fuck with people, Jaybird will you take my pic if I do??

False Advertising Bastard: Anal Sex

Damn it damn it shit. shit. shit. My Mexican has gone bad on me, he has soured like a pot of 2 days too many beans. It took 11 months and 10 days for his newly lowered car smell to wear off. I didn't think he was going to do this to me. He TOLD me when we first got together that he FOR SURE FOR REAL didn't do this type of thing EVER and that it was wrong. And believe me I made sure to ask, no joke, there is a list of certain things that you have to ask by the third date to get out of the way to see if it is safe to continue with the dating. I.E.

1. Are you an axe murderer? (or any other type of serial killer)

2. Do you have aspirations to BE an axe murderer?

3. Do you love and respect your mother? (this is a tricky one cuz some mommas don't deserve too much and you don't want to judge to quick)

4. Do you steal?

5. Do you think it's ok to beat your wife/girlfriend?

6. Do you want Anal Sex?



If any of you think I'm joking I'm telling you right now that I'm not. Just ask my fav. lurker Jaybird. These are important questions, write them down.

Anyways, 11 months and 10 days into our blissful relations ship he busted out with the male time honored request -



"Just the tip?"

(Just the tip, yeah fuckin right pal) (xoxoxo love you :)


#6. He broke his PROMISE on #6. That. Bastard. Previous experience with a man in a long term relationship tells me that from now until our DEATH he will be plaguing me with this request. It's like some sort of body snatching virus DISEASE that takes over a man and never lets go. He MUST. CONQUER. THE. BOOTY.

NO! Goll Dammit FUCK that NO!! Is anyone here even SLIGHTLY confused as to where I stand on this particular subject?? Hmmm?? Alan? Don't even go there.


No offense you ANY chicks (or dudes) that like it. I am all about to each his own and what ever floats yer boat and puts the wind in yer sails. Go for it. (Well I guess maybe I don't support raping puppies or children but ew that's just a given lets not go there.) But it's just not MY cup of tea. You got a $100,000 dollars to pay for this? Well then sure perhaps my mind might be changed. Give me a call. What, surprised? Look at the Title of my blog, come on that's a lot of money.

And yes I do realize that I admit I would do it for a large sum of money and NOT for the love of my life. OH. Well.

I can understand it a little bit on his part. My booty is the only part of me that actually belongs in the ghetto. It is a booty of ghetto proportions and I'm rather fond of that fact. So WHY can't he just admire the booty? Pat it or smack it tell me how much you love it but otherwise leave that bitch alone. I gave you my HEART not my ass beotch.

I still love him and I'm sure that we will still be together forever but damn it I THOUGHT, I was MISLEAD to believe that I wouldn't have to be fighting him off my booty for the rest of my life. I'm going to have to start ingesting booty mace. We've got plenty of them around the house - they don't call em beaners for nothin. HA!!


I'm sorry Mi Amigo, Mi Amor, Mi Vida (my friend my love my life) not even you, the sweetest of sweets, my darling corazon. Not even YOU can convince me to willingly participate in an activity that will make me feel like I'm being attacked by a giant turd going the WRONG WAY. It's not supposed to go back in let alone go back in, come back out and go back in again!! Oh the horror. I love you my darling but you stay the hell away from my ass.

I Found A House With A SEX ROOM!!!

My boss and I are both house hunting. Lately we've been pooling our information and going over stuff together and yesterday I received a packet in the mail that I wanted to show her. It's an info packet about modulars that we had a good time making fun of on the internet the other day. They have some of the most retarded ass floor plans (as well as some good ones but whatev) and we've been having a fun time laughing and bitching about the stoopid ways in which they decide to utilize space on their blue prints. Yes, we are simply amused folk.

N-E-Ways on one of the floor plans I started to bitch about yet another retarded use of space and I mentioned to my boss that instead of a naming it a small 4th bedroom they labeled it a "retreat." Don't try to finagle me in with fancy words like "Great Room," "Nook" or "Sun Room." Just label it for what it really is. Living room. Nook? It's a G-D piece of floor next to a fancy window - get over it! Blah Blah so I showed her the page with the "Retreat" room and she looked at it and noticed that it is actually connected to the M-Bedroom and there is no door.

Bless her heart she said "Oh it's a Sitting Room, how lame." Sitting room? Oh HELL NO that's a fucking Sex Room, OH SHIZZLE and jump for joy at the coolness of THAT shit! I started jumping up and down and clapping saying "OMG THAT'S my house!! I've found it! It's has a SEX room!! Isn't that the shit!?!?!" Why yes I WAS doing that in my bosses office, but she's cool and even conceded that it could be a sex room if that's what your into. She just wasn't quite as excited by it as me. That's ok.


I've always wanted "The swing," it just looks fun. OO! And I could have a pole! I KNOW if we got drunk I could talk his ass into playing on the pole for me, AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH oh oh shit that would be funny. Plus I could have one of those cool sex benches and some of those foam triangle sex positioning blocks. We could set up a stereo to play "Baayongk-shk-k-k-baayon-bayonnnnnn music and EVERYTHING!


This way we can have an open basement for a pool table and stuff like that and won't have to cut it in half for a dirty room. How very accommodating of these people to think of folks like us.

237 Reasons To Have Sex

I saw ThisArticle
on Yahoo. If you're like me and don't usually take the time to read a link it's about a 5 year study done at the U. of Texas (Sassy and Cruiser aren't you proud??) that came up with a list of 237 reasons to have sex. After they came up with all 237 they then had a big ole group of people rank every reason on a scale of 1 to 5 to see which reasons would be the most popular.

Cool.


But wait, TWO HUNDRED THIRTY SEVEN????? What? Shit! I doubt I can come up with 10. I'm simple like that. Allow me to brainstorm.

1. I'm horny.

2. He's horny, works his magik spanish fly and makes me horny.

3. He's randy and I want to make him happy.

4. He's done something very nice/smart/or did the dishes - I reward him with some positive reinforcement to hopefully place a little Pavlov link in his brain that doing dishes/picking up his socks = Happy


Ok it's been a half hour. That's it. 4 reasons. I CAN come up with a bunch of reasons that lead to me reason #1 -

*Read dirty book - get horny -

*Get new lube -want to try - leads to horny

* See a couple minutes of lame-O skinimax and against my will for some reason that only my reptilian brain knows - become horny

* Mexican said something ridiculously sweet for no reason - horny

* Jumpin bean comes out of shower with only a towel on - horny

* Leetle love tortilla puts hands on my face, kisses me all super good, looks deep into my eyes and tells me all seriously how crazy he is about me - I jam my heart back down out of my throat, pick up my jaw and vagina off the floor -commence horny

None of those seem like they would be on the list of 237 other than under the reason of "I was horny."

Some of the reasons on the 237 list were normal - "Drunk" (I'll bet that one ranks pretty high,) or "Sex is fun." Although One in particular was rather disturbing - "Want to give someone an STD" (holy damn!)

Oh well I guess I'm just pretty damn simple. I wonder if "I'm easy" or "I'm a hor" was on the list???


What do you all think? I've been noticing a lot of polls on sex lately so how about you all give me YOUR top couple of reasons to have sex. Come on, now I'm all curious and shit. Let it rip!