How To Use Your Favorites Box And Not Having Sex With People You Shouldn't

To whom it may concern:

Dear Sir or Madam,
I'm very happy that you've found my site and also have come to the realization that you LIKE coming here a couple times a week. I'm always flattered to have another person come along and decide to become a regular reader - it really flips my cricket. But here's the thing, I noticed that every time you come here it is by way of Google. That's cool, I do that sometimes if I forget something, no biggie. BUT it's been quite frequent that you come to me by one particular Google search and I was sort of thinking that maybe I could extend to you some directions that would make it a much quicker process.
Next time you come or RIGHT NOW simply go to your favorites box at the top of your screen, click it and then click ADD. THERE! Good. Do it now.

Good deal. Now when I look at site meter everyday I won't see a Google Search for -
"Anal Sex with my sister"

Yeah it just about makes me fall out of my chair and want to hide underneath my desk every time it comes up. I might be a hor but damn dude that's just some fucked up shit and it's not what I need to see first thing in the morning. And for fucks sake what the gall damn hell are you doing searching for that on the INTERNET??? What are you expecting to FIND?? Your sister isn't HERE and hopefully she's not there with you. Go screw a goat or something but leave your damn sister alone, she's probably got enough to worry about living in a hick town like that. Ok! Well I've got to skedaddle you have a great day NOT SCREWING YOUR SISTER.
Sincerely,
Your friendly hor

Also whoever got here by way of "Sex Suck Kuck big women ass" I have a ghetto booty, get it right and don't you dare say I have a big ass again.

And while I'm on the subject WHY are you people coming here by way of "Nasty Mexican Sex" WHY? I'm sorry but I prefer my Mexican nice and showered. Why would you want a dirty mexican to have sex with you? KEEP EM CLEAN!!

Further more whoever searched "Mexican Bitches Sex" Don't you call me a bitch. I'll kick your ass comin up in here callin me a bitch. *head weave back and forth finger in your face* It's BEOTCH punk, get it right.

(Actually Chino and I were playing around yesterday and he accidentally forgot the "eo" in the B tch and I had to give him a stern reminder on how to play the right way. Silly boy. Yeah and if he could get skank right it'd be great because when he calls me a skunk I can't help but laugh.)

AAAAANnnnn for KRISSIE I'd like to share just how helpful Google really can BE. Someone got here by searching for "hor fuck" and Google asked them - "Did you mean 'Horse Fuck'?" The sad thing is we really can't be sure.

Ok Ok one more but on a serious note. Whoever got here searching "It's gonna hurt like crap to forget you poems" I'm very sorry for what ever loss you've experienced and I sincerely hope that even tho I don't do much poetry that you'll manage to forget about shitty stuff for a while when you come here. Let the hor make you feel a little better, that's what we do. Feel better :)

Fancy Gastation Fare

Sometimes it's awesome that I'm a forgetful idiot. Yeeeaaah mostly not but yesterday on my way to my hometown 30 minutes away I realized in the middle of hillbilly nowhere that I forgot to put gas in my car - for like 2 days - and I needed an emergency stop. THAT'S where I happened upon the sign you see below.

First off I need to tell you people - SHIT it's hard to take pictures at a gas station without looking like a major weirdo. For real I was pumping gas and figured I'd just snap it real quick but GGGGAAWWWDD people wouldn't stop looking at me! Ok so maybe it was because I was originally TRYING to take a picture of a new Hummer with a Soccer Mom soccer ball sticker pasted on the back. I thought it was funny and I wanted to show you, my internet pals so you could laugh when I told you that holy shit and damn if THAT'S what stressed out crazy I-have-no-time-I-must-drive-like-a-maniac-to-get-this-brat-to-it's-extracurriculars ass soccer moms are driving these days then I think I need to get off the road. Cuz damn.

So anyways I think the owner of said Hummer felt strange that I was ogling her waiting for her to turn around so I could snap a pic without her seeing. (ok ok so I'm not exactly private eye material here ok?) So much so that when she went in the store she kept an eye on me. I actually gave up and went to move on to the gas station sign above but I think the beotch said something because then the store clerk came outside and stood out there in front of the damn sign watching me. FUCK! I had to drive around the block and then come back and do a drive-by.

N. E. Ways. A couple of things about that sign.

1. Who in hillbilly nowhere is buying organic milk and why the CRAP would they buy it at a gas station? Seriously?!?

2. Christ on a cracker who was the genius that thought to advertise organic milk along with quite possibly one of the most UN-organic products sold as "food?" Hell maybe they're trying for a wide demographic reach, what do I know.

3. And the following diddy between an imaginary hillbilly mom and dad went through my head as I was driving away -

*Set Scene*

*Glenda, pick me up a pack of pall malls when you go in to pay." "Huh, lookie ther, they got org-gan-ik milk, this must be one them fancy places like they got in Californyuh."

"Red I'ma goan git some that milk for the baybies, that'n way they ain't goan be gettin no mad cow er nothin."

"Glenda you might be a cow an you might be mad but I don't think yer milks gone sour yet."

"I'm fer serious Red I saw it on the Tee Vee."

"Ok well fine. An while yer at it pick up a couple packs of them there hot dogs. That way if'n the propane runs out agyn the kids'll have some meat to eat an we aint got to worry bout cookin it."

"Aw Red yer one smart thinkin fella, I knew my daddy was wrong about you."

As I was driving and thinking about posting this I actually thought about DYCK!. Strange I know but I imagined him posting a comment in response somewhere along the lines of "I've got some organic milk AND some sausage right here hor." At that point I started to question my sanity a bit considering Dyck isn't "real" and I haven't even posted yet. Ah well, a glimpse into a hors mind for yuh.

RIP - Rabbit Sex Toy - Bastard - I'll love you always.

My Bunny
My Buddy
My Rabbit
My Habbit

I killed my friend. Well I guess I maimed 'im but he's useless to me now. My poor poor bunny foo foo. I would have used a real picture if I had one of when he was alive but I don't. And stuff always looks creepy after it passes away so stock image it is, I'm sorry.

I finlay got to use Mr. Hoppy and half way through he just couldn't take it. He gave up.
Maybe it's bad karma or maybe he could SENSE the turmoil that he's been causing in my life. Perhaps he sacrificed himself for the good of my relationship with C.

OH bunny buzz bunny buzz.
He could spin and twist and shake.
Perhaps he had palsy?
Oh for heavens sake.

Oh for heavens sake for shitin sure! What the gall damn fuck wiggly wabbit? I only had that son of a recycled virused mac for a few months! BASTARD. Dirty bitch I only got to use it a handful of times, what the freakin shit. He can still spin and twist but has lost all power to vibrate. VIBRATING is his biggest asset. Vibrating his little bunny ears is what really makes his magic work!

Ok ok so I might have got a bit overzealous, I might have tried to push his ears closer than they were intend to go but dang it he's got like a half mile of wires in there shouldn't they have left at least a LITTLE slack if I needed it? But no. No no n-n-n. n. No.

And do you people KNOW! Do you REMEMBER how gall forsaken CHEAP I AM??? SSSHHHHIIIIIIIITT I spent like $70 on this bastard. AAAAhhh I need a new swear word, these are just not covering it. CUNT. There! That is one of the 3 words on my "list of words that I shall not use." But I am so pissed that I've been reduced to bringing it out. Cunt fucking bastards - 70 dollars?? Ahhhhhhhhh God the only reason I EV-ER dropped that kind of cash on a SINGLE toy is because I've heard for years that it's the best thing under the sun. Damn it all to shit this thing lasted about as long as a pair of walmart shoes! You BASTARDS! For that much cash you could at least make sure the shit fire wiring is good.

Oh. Oh I am just seeeething.

And my poor conejo. (ko-nay-ho) My poor funny bunny now lies in state, in his padded lock box. I'm going to check in on him from time to time like I did my digi camera when I broke that. I'll check in from time to time and see if he's magically self regenerated.

Bare Bunny
Fair Bunny
I'll mourn ye
I'll miss ye.

Sometimes I Want to Play With Myself BY Myself

I've got a ready, willing and fully capable man at my lady flowers disposal every hour that I am home. He'll do what ever I want and usually when I want. The exception being GAWD FORBID he's not had a shower and has his very own not so phresh feeling.
Boo hoo right? What the hell do I have to complain about?

But I'll be damned if since he cut back to only one job I - it really IS nice to have him home every day - if I haven't got a bit restless. Or lazy? Or maybe it's just that I miss my toys? I think really I miss my SELF. I miss what I can do for myself alone.

Ok, here's the thing, I was reading over at DarkRoastedBeans (CoffeeInSweeden on my sidebar - funny and interesting gal if you want to know) and she was talking about her latest fantasy. It was a GOOD one and I informed her that I was going to steal/borrow it for my own fantasizing use. I FORGOT about how fun it can be to make up my own little dirty girl porn in my head and have a good go at it all by myself. (well ;) or with a couple of well chosen "friends.")

For real! It's been so long since I was able to use my imagination and use myself! That day I commented on her site I wanted to go home and have a good ole time working out that fantasy - but I couldn't. :( Because HE was home. HE, the love of my life and all that wonderful stuff. But damn it HE prevents me from staking out on the couch and taking a good half hour to spend quality time bonding with my lady flower and showing her how to make friends with a rabbit.

I actually sat there and thought damn. Damn it this was gonna be fun, I wonder if he'll go to the store? AAAAAHHH and then I sat there shaming myself because he was 2 feet away from me smiling and asking about my day and would be more than willing to drop trou in 5 seconds flat.

Maybe it's because I grew up an only child. I used to be alone all through the weekdays growing up so I'm pretty dang good at being by myself. I LIKE being by myself, I enjoy it and sometimes I NEED it so that I don't go insane. Luckily I DO like having my bean pot around more than I like being alone. Pheeww!

So. Here's the question to all you folks that are in live-in relationships (or have been in the past) do/did YOU ever miss fantasizing and spending some quality time with you, yourself and your hands? Did you feel separation anxiety from your toys or your imagination? I'm sure this is natural but I'm wondering about you folks and maybe how any of you figured out a good compromise.

Is it easier for guys? Chicks CAN make use of ye ole shower massager but I'm talking a more in depth session - ie toys, couch, woo-ing myself and imagination. I think it's fun to play hard to get with myslef. Well ACTUALLY my Ego likes to play hard to get with my Id and my Super Ego thinks they're both a tease.

Poverty = Easy Keeper + Do I have worms??

My bean mans first 11 years of life were spent in Mexico. Lucky for me his short time there had quite an impact on the kind of man that he is today.

He told me just the other day that when he was little that they lived in the "country" in a one room mud block house with a stick/thatch roof. Whoa, ok so I wasn't expecting that and before I could stop myself I asked about 20 questions about what it was like to be a really for real poor person. He told me about what they ate and how they cooked outside over coals and now that I think about it (thank you God) I forgot to ask about plumbing. They never got to eat chicken I thought that was weird but I guess over there it's way super expensive. Mostly they had goat. And goats milk. YAaaG Goats milk? Ah well at least it was calcium. AHAHAHAA I asked him if the pasturized the goats milk. (why do things like that come out of my mouth?)

Anyways, blah blah what all of this translates into is that he is one hell of an easy keeper. Roof over head that's not sticks = SWEET. Anything I cook that involves meat = Sweet. I never really cooked before living with him so well I sort of burn things a lot. Does he care? Nope, he likes his meat cooked till jerky anyways. He considers a little coal to be flavor. Awesome.

I thought all of this was quite grand untill the other day when we got to talking about WORMS of all things. Not the fishing kind but the kind that live inside you as a parasite. I don't remember how, it just happened. Anyways he at one point asked me "How do you know if you have worms?" Guhhhhh well shit I don't know. I told him that you'd see them in your poop. (that's what happened when my dog had worms)

I think he was asking because he's one of those bastard freaks of nature that can eat ANY AMOUNT of food that he want's and NEV_VER gain an ounce. Punk. I started to tell him about what his metabolism but then our conversation of him growing up all super poor came back to me. So naturally I blurted out "Have you ever HAD worms?? Like when you were a kid??" He just looked at me and then a worried expression came over his face and he said "I don't know."

WHAT?? You don't know if you've had WORMS??? GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH oh crap! Shit and damn! At this point he told me that that's why they cooked their meat so much so that they wouldn't get worms from the wild rabbit or whatever it is that they had on the coals that night. And then the poor guy started looking really worried and I could see that he was piecing it all together in his head that maybe he had ALWAYS had worms and he didn't know it and that's why he'd always been able to eat whatever.

I'm pretty sure he was on the verge of taking a dump right there and sifting through it so I figured it was kind of time to calm him down. Obviously he couldn't have had worms for 24 years and not be like dead or something and I'm pretty sure he feels ok now.

For some reason I think we're gonna have an interesting life together.

Naked Harry Potter Oh Fuck EEEWWWW. I think?? Hmmmmm

Ok I only double post for emergencies and THIS is an emergency. Oh. MY. God. Oh lord where has the world gone wrong? I thought only chicks did this in playboy to shed childhood star images. Harry Potter? GAAHHHH!!!

Actually if not for the horse and the whole he has NO pecks I might think this is kind of hot. But then I go back to wanting to gouge my eyes out. Why the horse? Ew that makes it like too kidde for me . Yelck. Jesus he's like 18, we're all going to hell.

Sex Positions And A Bitchy Vagina

Why is it that one night of the week doggy style will be the end all absolute best thing that I've ever felt and I think "Holy SHIT we have to do it like this every time like from NOW ON!!" And then the next night it won't do anything for me and I'll be like "damn we gotta flip this shit over." ???

Or for like two days missionary will be the ONLY thing that can get me off and then the next day it'll feel like crap? Even MORE is the weird thing with girl on top. THAT only feels right like once every couple of weeks -and when it DOES it's like mind blowing- but the rest of the time I hate it.

What in the world? Does ye ole conchita eb and flow (eew that sounds gross) with the tides? Does she shift around at will like when you're in an uncomfortable chair and you have to move around like every 10 minutes to try and feel comfy? I'd hate to think that my body is uncomfy to my precious lady playground, I want her to be happy.

I used to think that it was just that we weren't getting the position exactly the same every time and THAT'S why it felt so different but testing has shown that that is just not the case. Funny it never matters to him. I think he could get off upside down in an iron lung with wolves standing by and watching. No Prob.

So it's my lady flower. What the hell is her problem? I'd like to be able to do it in whatever position I want WHEN I want but no, I have to listen to HER. I do NOT need a third personality in bed with me, two is enough dammit.

Maybe she's bi-polar or something. More like dissociative. (i.e. Sybil). What the hell lady love? Que Pasa? Don't be bitchy mi wee penocha, that's not nice and don't MAKE me call you the C word. Don't make me start your ass on some zoloft.

Does anybody else have a problem like this? Maybe it's a disorder. BVS - Bitchy Vagina Syndrome? RPS - Restless P-word Syndrome?

Diamonds In The Ghetto, Hope they don't cut my finger off

My leeetle chorizo burrito gave this to me. And I'm keeping it. And him. For like ever and stuff. K. And no wise cracks about my freakish fingers, I was straining to hold still and my knuckles came out looking deformed. Ok and they're fat, whatever.

EEK! This hillbilly's never been the owner of for REAL jewelry before, and it's kind of fun. But when I go for a jog out in the ghetto I turn it around so people can't see it. Yep I'm THAT cracker and that paranoid, it's kind of embarrassing.

I don't like solitaire rings and I really liked this one so he got it! Oh, what's that? Why yes I DID pick out my own ring. Why? Because he's a Mexican. Do I REALLY need to say more? I tried to consider his picks but they were all giant-gaudy-full finger-OLD LADY-monstrosities. Barf. I can love him all I want but I don't have to love his barfy taste in jewelry.

I was a bit nervous to tell you folks cuz I thought you might get nervous about my HOR status if I'm gonna get married. But I thought about it for a bit and came up with something. I'll always be a hor, but now I'll have a lifetime customer. I won't have to go a horin around for material cuz I'll have some right here. He's a goof just like me, plenty to laugh at. No worries.

THIS GUY is a guy I work with. He had to help me take the picture of my ring cuz I don't have a steady hand.

He's gonna be 40 yrs old this month. Good luck with that Stache Frankie, maybe turning 40 will kick in your hormones and that bitch will finally grow in. He always cheezes like this and I'll be damned if he wasn't trying to be cute. Too bad he's not gay. He doesn't look like he has any TEETH in this pic and I could really pimp that out. Ah well he could always turn, all mexicans are at least a little bit gay anyways.

Killed My Camera

Sonofabitch.

I dropped my nearly 6 month old digi camera. My first! My baby! And broke it all to hell. $250.00? Dead. Fuck.

And when we were robbed like a month ago? They stole it! I think. I tend to loose things pretty regularly or "put them away." When I "put something away" it's never good because I'm kind of hoaky and forget where the hell I put shit away TO. So I THINK they stole it but, well, ya never know. Anyways I'm kicking myself in the ass because if I wouldn't have procrastinated I could have sent it in to Kodak and they would have replaced it for free. Isn't that nice of them? But no. I let it sit on my counter for a good month and turned it on every couple of days or so to see if maybe it had healed yet. It wasn't healing. Bastard, for two-fiddy that beotch should be able to regenerate limbs if necessary. (and give me a blow job once in a while damn it)

Anyways I went this weekend to buy a new one. They had the SAME one I bought last year for 250 now for 150. How nice. Gosh I really liked that camera and it had everything I could possibly need. But I went shopping ASSUMING that I was going to spend 2-fiddy agian. Sooooo. . . . Well since I WAS ok with spending that much ...... and since I could STIIIIIILLLLL spend it and get a few more mega pixels and brand fancy new fangled opitonnnnssss. . .. .... Yeah. Yep. K.

Dear AssCrack Condescending Businessman:

Sorry but it seems that even though you might make a lot of money - you're still stooopid. Bummer. Really.

This morning on my way back from running some errands for work my boss called and asked if I would pick up a bunch of McDonald's stuff for breakfast for everyone at work. I. Am. Glamorous! :)

Anyways, when I was about to enter the McD's a tall salt n pepper I'm-so-businessman like-and-important-and-stiff-mygod-just-look-at-my-perfectly-jelled-hair guy came up and started speaking to me. I didn't immediately run or yell NO HABLO INGLES! (yeah that one throws people off) because he was obviously captain business America and I didn't THINK he was going to ask me for money. Ok plus it was 7a.m. and my brain wasn't moving at it's normal ghetto safety speed yet.

Mr. Business pointed across the street to a sit-down restaurant and asked me if it is the best place around for breakfast. I told him I'd never been there but for SURE to not go to the I-Hop here because it is disgusting. As I walked into McD's he followed me in and felt the need to explain that - "I'm not here for the food, I don't eat in places like this, I'm just here for the premium coffee."

Uh. EeewMKay well that's nice. And INSULTING and condescending and assholeish. I mean REALLY douchebag? You're going to mention how terrible and revolting and BELOW you the clown food is to someone that is OBVIOUSLY going to be eating it in like 40 seconds? (actually I kind of hate McD's breakfast - why can't they be cool like Burger king and sell their lunch foods 24/7? I WOULD eat a hamburger and fries for breakfast - and no I don't need any preaching about how bad that would be for me- but the POINT is that he didn't KNOW that I hate it)

Honest to God I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic about the "Premium" coffee or if he was being for real. When he went up to order he DID ask for "a large premium coffee." Dork. I'd rather drink the pretend cappuccino from a gas station.

He looked at me a bit goofy when I ordered enough food for 10 people. Ahahaha so I told him that I was there picking up for work. Ok so I'M the dummy there because that opened up the window for him to start small talk. Yuck I didn't want to talk to some asshole stranger about my job - it's too hard to explain to NORMAL people let alone a dildo. Ah well lesson learned.

Lesson Learned: Just because it's well dressed and drives - doesn't mean that I should let down my ghetto guard. NO HABLO INGLES!!