Off to the Range

I feel a lot better today. I've been running on about 5 hours sleep a night for around 3 weeks so last night after work I went to bed at promptly 5:17 p.m. I got up for work this morning around 5:45 and I feel like a new woman dang it.


SO !! After work I'm off to the shooting range. Yes, my new hobby of choice is handguns. For real though, last week I heard an ad on the radio about a shooting range like 2 miles from my house that actually lets you RENT guns and use their range.


I wondered what KIND of guns they have to rent so I went and checked it out. OH!! OHH!! HOORRRAYYYY!!! It's like a freaking AMUSEMENT PARK of guns!! Oh my gawwd I didn't even know a place like this existed! Every handgun you can think of, antique to brand new, rifles, shotguns, I don't know, just everything. Even a pump action sawed off looking shotgun thing. (it's hot) M-16's, AK 47, you name it they've got it. This must be some sort of NRA wonderland, I don't know how they can do it but they can and I'm in hillbilly heaven!!


With my Dad I've shot a pellet gun, a .22 rifle, a 4-10 shotgun, a 12 gauge and something else shot-gun-y. But I've never shot a handgun. And I've always kinda wanted to ya know? Well maybe you don't but I do. SOOOOO after drooling around the place for a bit I inquired about prices, shit my pants at how cheap it is, and got me some guns to shoot.

EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was SO FUN!!! I started off small with a .22 revolver then an antique .22 with a clip then a Walter P22 with a clip that I LOVED ! I was pretty accurate (which surprised me to great glee) had a great time and left feeling relaxed and full of joy. Can you believe I'm NOT a republican????


Next time I went I took my BFF Jaybird and hooked her up with my fav. .22. She was a complete crazy bad ass and unloaded her first clip in all of 4.5 seconds flat. After I picked up my jaw off the floor and cleaned the crap out of my pants I started cheering. The helper dude turned to me and said "Well . . . she's lethal." and turned back around. Ahhhaahahahhahahaah !! She went on to unload TWO boxes to my one into her target, all in her break-neck speed shooting style, and this is somewhere in the top 5 of my proudest moments for her. :)


I bumped it up a couple of notches and chose a comfy 9mm. Mmmmm I liked it better than the .22 but it was a lot more expensive to buy ammo for - SHIT ! From 3.50 a box to 15. Yowza ya know?


Anyhoo the range attendant dude - that sports a mullet btw which I instantly fell in love with - thinks I'm a little weird and at the same time very cool. He gives me some special attention when I go and pointers and stuff and THIS time with Jaime he casually asks me "Would you like to shoot my gun?" (lol *snort*) I asked what kind he's got and he unholsered his .45. .45 !!!! EEEEEEEE!!!! Holy Cripes !

I asked him if he thought it would knock me on my ass and he said no, that he's seen me shoot and know's I'll be just fine. (and the ego grows) So, scared but not one to be a sissy - EV-VER - I let him walk me through the in's and out's of it. And shot. MMMMmmmmmm Sat-tis-fac-shu-un!! It's recoil wasn't hardly bigger than the 9mm I had been shooting - to my great surprise, and I of course loved it. Obviously.


I wanted Jay-birds first shooting experience to be bad-ass so I offered her to shoot my gun - which of course she did cuz she's no ninny either. AND the dude let her shoot his gun after she came over to see what was up. SO cool !! I think he just liked having some hot chicks hold his gun but what-ev, I'll shot his $.50 a bullet ammo any time :P


After my first time going I started making my own targets - you don't have to buy theirs. Before I went with Jaybird I drew up some fun targets - the bastard taxi driver from a few posts ago - HAAA!!! Asshole!! - My ex-boyfriend (in the form of a monkey), The gramma that disowned me (in the form of a pig) that I got between the eyes - TWICE ! A clown (also got him between the eyes *takes a bow* And another gramma that sux (in the form of a snake.) I'd never draw a real person, it just seems too wrong, but I'll have fun with goofy 2-yr-old-drawings representing them. (ok and for real? Mullet-Man actually ASKED me if my preshcooler drew the target for me ! when I told him I don't have kids he totally made fun of me, and HE WEARS A MULLET!)


SO anyhoo I'm off in a couple of hours and I'll be heading over to shoot up some targets I printed off the internet (poor lil bunny fu-fu doesn't stand a chance) with a work pal of mine. He's never shot a gun so I'm pretty excited for him. Next week my gal-boss and our other gal-pal are going and then my Mama's gonna give it a try. Welcome to my hillbilly side. :)

And for REAL guys and gals, if you've never done anything like this I can probably SWWEEAARRR that you'll like it. So many people are afraid of guns but really, if you get yourself educated on them and learn how to use one, it just might make you feel a little better. So go out and find a range!! Come On !!!! Live a little, do something different !


And I'll be damned if I can think of a better way to blow off some steam !! Well. . . lol maybe one. ;)

Latex Allergies

"Well who the fuck knew? No shitting WAY!!"
That's what I thought to myself standing in my bathroom last night.
Let me explain.


I'm a clumsy some-beotch, always have been, scrapes and cuts a part of my everyday life you know? What I remember most clearly though, not the cuts and scrapes, but the damage done to me by bandaids. For years and years I just figured that the red painful pissed off skin that was left behind from bandaids after my cuts were healed was from pulling them off. It always hurt SO MUCH to pull them off, but it hurt everyone right? Nobody likes having their hair pulled out. It wasn't until I was 16 or so and realized that the adhesive parts of the bandaid were leaving rashes and welts on my skin WEEKS after the skin was healed.


I'm a tad slow, it takes me a while to figure things out ok? But who ever heard of being allergic to freaking BANDAIDS!?! REALLY?? Ok so lots of people but not my back water-ass. I stopped using the bitches and found other ways (scotch tape and gauze) of dealing.


When I was 22 and wanted to try the birth control patch I never even THOUGHT about the whole allergy thing. Oh man, I went 3 weeks on that shit and had 3 giant square scars on my arms for about 6 months after I realized that the fucked-up-skin left behind after tearing them off miiiggghhhhhtt not be right. (Please insert "Retard At Play" sign here, drive carefully please)

Gawd ANYWAYS last night standing in the bathroom I read the box of my newly purchased Sensitive Skin Bandaids. They're strange kinda crappy bandaids so I was reading the box trying to figure out why they cost so much but actually work for me.

It said "For sensitive skin, LATEX FREE."

"Latex free? Huh? I thought it was adhesives that were fucking me up all these years. Wait, don't they make those creepy sounding Lamb Skin condoms for people with latex allergies?"

.......

. . . . . . . . .

A few more thinking dots later and I said out loud to my cats "Oh NO FUCKING WAY!!!" It all came together in my head like a big slushie rush. "NUH UHHHH!!" "SHIT !! "

You see, I always get sore if I have sex more than a few days in a row. And not even rough sex all the time, or marathons for that matter, just regular in-and-out-roll-over-luv-ya sex. I figured it was normal you know? Like, the lady flower can only take so much and then needs a break, no biggie. But I've heard about OTHER people having sex everyday without problems. I figured maybe my lady flower was just a pansy, I even tried "working through it" a few times to toughen her up but it always resulted in failure.

But the last two times I went to Mexico? I didn't have to use condoms with C. and while my MUSCLES were sore, it wasn't the same kind of sore as usual. I thought it was really nice but didn't think TOO much into it. In the back of my head somewhere I thought maybe it was the texture of condoms or something that had been messing with me, but brushed it off.

And then I read the box of bandaids last night.

Latex. Not adhesives, LAAATTEXX!! No. Fucking. Way.

I mean REALLY?? I'm 26 freaking years old and I JUST FIGURE THIS OUT!!???!! FUCK! No fucking WAAAYYYY!! Can you BELIEVE this??

I just, I just . . . shit.

So can I have everyday sex now? And not be SORE?? How COOOOLL would that be? Holy Shit! And EEEEEEEEEWWWWW do I have to wear Lamb Skin condoms? Ew. Gross. I won't eat goat in mexico let alone Menudo, and I certainly don't want to get it on with a baby lambs SKIN or intestine or what ever the fuck that shit is made of. Eeew.

GAWD I for real can't believe this whole thing though. It's just nuts. I'm really glad my brain caught up with my ass long enough to have a gigantic epiphany, but wow, just wow. Anyways, this isn't the most fun or amusing post in the world but I wanted to make sure if there is possibly anyone else on earth as dumb as me that maybe they'll google something someday and perhaps be helped by this post. IF there is anyone as retarded as me - it's obviously debatable.

Really though, no fucking way !!

Astroglide Update

If you've read more than a couple posts here you know that I love Astroglide. No, I'm not a product endorser or any shit like that, it's just that I masturbate a lot and I like to do it in style.

That said I HATE KY brand, it's stupid and last all of 7 seconds. I hate store brands they last about 4 seconds. Vaseline is stupid, I don't know what you boys are thinking with that and so is lotion, lotion is dumb.


Astroglide is made out of some synthetic god-knows-what but if my Vagina was a car and it was oil then I could go 10,000 miles between oil changes. (just like my ghetto car, poor car)

ANYWAYS I'm writing today because I used up my last bottle of wonder-lube, when to ye ole Walt-Marks to get another and *GASP* noticed a NEW product made by Astroglide. OOOooooooooo was your hor excited!! I couldn't imagine how they could possibly improve on their product and I just HAD to try the new stuff.


Well fuck fuckity fuck.


Dear Astroglide,

You suck. Your new product sucks.

I'm so very disappointed that you

took your wonderful creation

and made it suck.

Sincerely pissed that this sucks,
-Hor


Astroglide GEL. Don't bother, don't even think about it. It has the consistency of GOOP, that's the only word for it, GOOP. It's Goopey, too thick and lasts all of 8 seconds. Your poor little clit or schlong will dry up in no time flat and you'll be stuck GOOPEY and unsatisfied, having to re-apply and re-apply until the job is done, at which point you will be SO goopey and pissy and sticky that you will immediately want to take a shower and write a blog rant.


-Or so I've heard-


Luckily they still carry the regular brand so I won't have to you know, like, freak out or anything. Praise the Lawd.

Single Life and Food

Besides lack of sex there's been a few other changes in behavior in the Ghetto home front. C. liked to have real meals - like home cooked - every day for dinner, and usually the left overs for lunch the next day. It was fun cooking with him, he teaching me new things and vice versa and tweaking my old recipes to make them edible for him. (I.E. add a jalapeno pepper to anything and he'll eat it)

But since he's been gone it seems I've gotten lazier and stranger in my eating habits as time goes by. Last nights dinner?

*Ate a few handfuls of dry cheerio's out of the box standing by the kitchen sink

*Decided I wanted to try that can of Marshmallow Fluff that's been in my cupboard since he left, opened it and fingered out a few test runs. -marshmallow-ee, nice- (this time standing by my stove)

*children's F. Fry @ BK while posting

*Spaghetti made solely in the microwave


That microwave spaghetti was downright FANCY for me as of late. Usually I would have just went back to the cherrios and scrounged up a piece of dry bread or can of peas or something.

I'm a friggin gourmet when it comes to the microwave. Last week I needed real food and figured out that if I microwave my pasta in a bowl with water - and put a bunch of broccoli on TOP of the water, that the water will cook the spaghetti and steam the broccoli. Add in some garlic Parmesan sauce from the can and sprinkle some REAL parm. reggiano over the top and we're talking good shit!!

But yeah, usually it's cold spaghettios from the can with a plastic spoon if I'm wanting fancy. Hell the day before yesterday I had two bottles of water, a bag of combos and a diet ice cream bar.

I might need a multi vitamin.

It just doesn't rate high on my to do list when I'm alone I guess. What about you guys? You all that live by yourself, do you cook real food everyday? Microwave dinners eaten over the kitchen sink? Cheetos on the couch? I could live on cereal alone if I wasn't too cheep to buy milk.

Anways, that's just what I was thinkin about here eating lunch at work (some dry bread, a diet cola and some cherries) I don't know what's up with Websense but it let me on today so that's cool. I think I'm just bored. Hi. *tap* *tap* Anybody there? What's you eatin?

Not So Pissed - Because My Brother ROCKS

I had another ranting post about the two cabbies in Texas who told me that to drive me one and a half miles away from the airport to the gas station (to get some allergy meds that the damn airport didn't carry -REALLY??? Not even friggin Benadryl????SHIT!) that it would be no less than $20. $20 to go a mile and a half. I took an advil.

Anyways I had a whole bunch of rage saved up from that but just as I was about to post it my step mom called. At some point during the conversation she put my little brother on the phone, and all my rage disappeared. He has that affect.

D. - he's 18 years younger than me, 8 years old. He's Autistic, borderline they call it - not completely cut off from the world but has some things . . different about him. I'm not going to say he has some abnormal behaviors or some handicaps, that's all bullshit, he just works different than some others.

ANY WAYS, enough disclaimer. He was doing his thing talking AT me on the phone when his mom broke in and said "D. Tell sissy about earlier today when you were being a baby and was mad at mommy." Usually my lil bro would ignore her and go on talking at me or actually relay the event.

But today- HA! Today I loved him more than ever before and was SO PROUD of his response!! OMG I love this - He took his little 8 year old hand, tried to cover the phone and said "MA-AAAAHHHHMMMMMMM I was NOT being a BABY, I was TRYING to DO something and you bothered me! Ughhh!"
And THEN ignored her and went on talking.

Ah, Ahhh BWAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAH aahhhh ah ahahahhahaha you guys this might be nothing for you but for me it was one of the greatest things I've ever heard him say.

You see, that little gesture of hand and bratty back talk are so TYPICAL, so pre-teen, tween, what-have-you, that it warmed my heart a degree higher than any taxi driver can lower it.

For all that I stand up for my brother - and always will - in his defense that he's not handicapped but just different - I still cheer for him every time I see him do one more typical kid thing. It's typical and "normal" behavior that the world trusts and the typical and "normal" that doesn't get ostracized or fucked with so much as "abnormal." Don't hate me for wanting the world to be as "nice" as it can be to him.

Oh gawd I'm so terrible at this. I'm just trying to say that I love him 100% the way he is but I'm glad for him when he learns something like all the other kids - whether it's how to look someone in the eye and let them have a turn speaking - or being a BRATTY kid and being embarrassed by his mom.

D. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! You'll never read this (ok maybe if you're like 30 and married) but I was so happy for you today, so damn happy that you showed one more trait just like your little "normal" bratty friends. I hope you keep all the neat things about you that are so YOU, but I'm rooting for you and so impressed every time I see you learn something new, lol or ages-old. :P


No rant tonight, I'm too happy with the world again.

XOXOXX's to bratty kids everywhere.

Exit Only Please

I came awfuly close to an unwelcome body cavity search yesterday. You all know I'm usually all for that sort of thing but for me the desire for it ends at the intersection of a border crossing and my ass.

It's so EASY to get in to Mexico but to get back in the states it seems to be nightmare. I was so nervous at the sight of the M-16's
at the border search going IN to Mexico that I walked right past the clearly marked "Permissions" center. Forgive me Mexico but I was too busy oogle eyeing the boy with the machine gun searching through my underpants. I don't like people touching my underpants damn it.

Okay one funny thing about that though - I've got a cool condom case, some new brand hocking their wares in pretty packaging, and the dude couldn't figure out what it was or how to get it open. I could have shown him but it was much more amusing to watch him fumble around with it for a while trying to puzzle it open. The crazy part? He ended up just giving up - how awesome and insane is that? Too bad, I was really looking forward to his reaction.

Anyhoo, back to the near-probing-incident. Because I blindly went past the permissions center too nervous to remember to purchase my tourist visa, I had to go back and get one later on. I could have went back anytime that day or even the next day and everything would have been fine. But no, I was too happy to BE there the first day, to see C. and such -- *AHEM* -- and the second day it was so friggin shoot-myself-HOT that I wouldn't leave the room. Aaaaaand the next day we were with his family the enitre day. So on and so forth I didn't go back and get my tourist pass untill the day before I left.

Moron. I didn't even think anything of it at the time, I just knew I needed one to get back home and figured all'd be well, I'd just tell the border police I got into mexico the day the visa was stamped, they'd search my bag and on my merry way I'd proceed.

Ha. Hahahahahah stupid girl! IDIOT!! "Here's your sign!" "DEE-DEE-DEEE" - whatever retard slander you'd like to insert here just go right ahead.

GUH.
-
Has anybody figured my mistake out yet? Please tell me at least SOME of you don't get it, I need something here people.


Right, so here's the deal - I'm trying to get back into the states with a suitcase packed for a 5 day trip - I.E. - TEN days worth of clothing and girlie lotions and potions galore. I've got no less than 8 pairs of fancy pants ( btw why do they call one thong "underpants?" it should be an underpant -understring- whatever but it shouldn't be plural damn it) THEN my day-wear lady flower covers and a slew of bras to match of course. Enough skirts and dresses to outfit the ladies of a church revival and of course jeans and capris just in case I felt like not pretending to be a lady for C's family.
Point, I had a point, - ah yes, it was when he was looking into my FOURTH zip-lock bag jammed full of travel shampoos and jerlery and the man was asking me for the FOURTH time how long I'd been in Mexico that it dawned on me.

Shit. Shit shit shit Shhhhiiiiiiiiiiiittttt !

"Why did you come to mexico?"

"For a visit"

"What kind of visit?"

"Oh! Uh, to look for an apartment, I'm moving here next month."

"Really. And you only came for one day? That's not much time to find a place."

"Yeeaaahh, well I would have LIKED to stay longer but I have to get back to work unfortunately"

HA hhahhahah I thought by telling him that I would have LIKED to stay longer I was saving my butt a little bit, kind of like I would have LIKED to wear all 12 pairs of underwear and stay for a week but I'm important or something and must rush from the country and save my workplace.

Right.

"What is it you do for a living agian?"

"I'm a secretary and sometimes a truck driver."

Good one.

So ANYWAYS 10,000 questions later he left me standing there at the search station pissing next to my open suitcase and went off to his office with my passport to look me up on his computer for a while. I could see him searching for shit and started to lose my nerve a little bit.

A tad.

Okay so I was trying to figure out a way not to shit my pants. Meanwhile ANOTHER man came along to search my bag but I didn't take much notice because I was ALSO trying to figure out what I was going to say when the first guy came back and confronted me with the damning evidence of the super secret spy camera that took my picture when I crossed the border - that he was able to find by matching the configurations of my facial sturcture in my passport picture a-la-CSI - PROVING that I had been in Mexico not 2 days but FIVE - and proceeded to haul me off to the fun room and then jail.

Just as I was coming out of it a tad and thinking maybe I could just say that I stayed with his family in Texas a few days before going down to MX and THAT'S why I needed 8 thong underpants - he was walking back tword me, giving me my passport and telling me to have a nice day.

At which point I abruptly fainted.

Ok, so not really but that would have been par for the course that day and I WAS shaky and sweating and light headed.

I guess answering the other 9,999 questions truthfuly and not actually HAVING any drugs or mexicans stored in my suit case was enough to get me off the hook. Who were they to prove (without the super secret spy camera (ok grama gotta stop watching so many crime shows)) that I'm not just really high maitanance or a weirdo or like, super over prepared or something. Who are they to assume that I'm not the type to prepare for a world wide thong, lotion or shampoo shortage crisis at all times?

They can't, and luckily my ass lives to see another day - sanz uninvited probe-ing.

I need a drink.

XOXOXO's
- Hor

Fucking Robbed

I alternate between loving mexico and HHAAAAAATING it. Right now I am SO in fucking HATE mode!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

FUCK FUCKING FUCKERS!

FUCK!

Ok, ok. I have to share this with you guys cuz I don't want to tell C. and get him upset.

I just left mexico a couple of hours ago (I'm posting from the airport) C. and I had a very nice last meal together and then we found a taxi willing to take him to his bus stop (like 2 blocks) and me across the border into Texas to the airport - for $40.00 We knew $40 was rape but you don't have much of a choice over there, they kinda stick together on their prices, assholes.

Anyways this taxi driver drops C. off and then starts driving me around in circles and I'm thinking what the fuck? He told C. I had to give him $10.00 right away so that he could pay the fare across the bridge (I knew it was only $2.50 but kept my dumb mouth shut and figured he was just keeping the rest for fare you know?) So anyways he drives back and forth in front of the damn international bridge a few times and I'm thinking Jesus is he LOST?

AHAHAHH No. All of a sudden he's flagging down another taxi driver and saying "Aeropuerto, $30.00!!" they pull over in a hurry and he's unloading my bag into the other guys trunk before I can even get out. I was slowly catching on and give me a break here I was pretty shell shocked you know? So I started to tell the guy to give the OTHER guy the $10.00 and he was like "Oh, no, it's O.K. it's o.k." I said "Give him the money!" and the guy just kept saying oh no, it's alright, it's ok, he take you, $30.00 he take you. I meekly tried to tell him to give the other guy the $10.00 for the "fare" for going across the bridge but by that time he was half in his car still telling me it was O fucking K.

DAMN IT! FUCK ME AND MY weak, stupid getting-my-ass-taken-advantage-of- ASS! FUCK FUCK FUCK!

As SOON as I got in the other taxi I realized I should have started screaming and pointing at the guy "Tramposo! Tramposo mi dinero!!" (cheater, cheater me money) I don't have the best skillz in spanish but I could have made due. And then I should have started screaming and pointing and yelling "Nececito Policia!!!" "Tramposo Taxi!" (I need police, cheater taxi) It wouldn't have been the best spanish but it would have made one HELL of a point and I know the guy would have caved and gave me my cash.

But no, NO, I just got in the other taxi, dazed and slowly coming to awareness that I had been "had."

FUCK

FUCKING

FUCKER!

I will never EVER be had like that again. FUCK YOU MEXICO BASTARD CAB DRIVER!! YOU are going to burn in HELL you thief son of a bitch ! Enjoy my $10 (ok, $9.40 because .60 would have more than paid for C's fare) now, you piece of shit because in hell you're gonna get about $10,000 shoved up your ass and ate out by fucking Montezuma you worthless sack of MIERDA! I hope your ass lives a long life so you can rack up countless more bullshit for yourself to feed on in hell.


I'm so pissed.


OH HO HO HOAHHHH it'll be awesome the next time some mexican fucker tries to mess with me though. I'm taking ALL of my red-neck crazy and ALL of my Ghetto in addition to my new found Mexico living pissed off-ted-ness with me to Mexico next month. Bring it on BITCHES! Try and fuck with me now pendejos! This hor doesn't forget and the next time you try and fuck with me I'm gonna rip you a new one so raw you'll fucking think twice before you ever mess with a little white girl all by herself again.

New Positions - FOR DILDOS!!

No, not for idiots, I mean actually FOR the dildo.

HOLY SHIT you guys for real this's never even crossed my mind before and I'm totally blown away by the discovery.

I was doing my thang the other night with my favorite duck taped dildo and was indulging in a great fantasy about my next door neighbor.


What?

I wouldn't actually do it, calm down.


So anyways, in the fantasy I totally wanted to do it bent over his couch but the regular missionary style pose-sish of my dildo kinda wasn't cutting it. WHY it would bother me after yeeeaaaarrrrrrssss of dildo-ing that the position wasn't "right" I have no idea, but it did. I guess I'm boring myself again.

Anyhoo I started thinking about actually getting up and DOING the dildo doggy style, to really get into it. Aaaaaaaand then I thought to myself "Sheesh, hor, this is where the weirdness starts, next thing you'll be doing auto-erotic-asphyxiation to get your jollies."


And then I held my breath for a little bit, quit, and thought what the fuck?


I finished in my regular style and just went to sleep, brushing it off.

The next night rolls around and guess who's fantasizing about a certain Mexican doing it doggy in a post office? What? I wanted to say "Go postal on me baby!" It's my fantasy, whatever.

And the THOUGHT popped up again! "Do it for real! Doggie the dildo!" SO I DID! EEEEEEE!!!!!! I thought I was going to feel SO stupid and it was totally not going to work but OH my gosh you guys that was SO not the case! HOLY SHIT! This is my biggest discovery since Astroglide! CRAP!!


It wasn't hard to pull off AND it felt amazingly different - and honestly it was even easier to fall into the fantasy because it was behind me and all I could see was my headboard and not my hands doing the work. It was awesome and I'm for real going to bust down that dildo and work it on out in every position I can think of from now on.

How fun! I can't believe I never thought of this before! And ANNNDD you guys, how cool is this - maybe I can work with a couple of positions I don't like in real life, and find a way on my own to make them better, you know, like practice with them to see if I can make it work somehow - AND THEN TRY IT IN REAL LIFE!!! How cool is this! HOLY CRAAAAAAAAPPP!!!!



SHIT is ANYBODY as excited as me about this? I'm frigging ecstatic! SHIIITT!!!

Try it out gals (or dudes, I don't discriminate) you won't be sorry.

Moving To Mexico

I'm continually surprised by the people in my life - close and not so close - and their reactions toward me moving to Mexico. I live in Michigan so it's pretty far from home and sometimes I wonder if I lived in Texas or Arizona if the same people would have widely different opinions.
I guess it doesn't matter, I just wonder.

The parents that raised me and took the time to get to know C. have been huge supporters. I think for them it's a mixture of knowing me so well and realizing that I'm not the type to jump off the "deep end" for no apparent reason - MIXED with the fact that they've been married 30 years and have that kind of crazy sick love that only GROWS over time. They still hold hands and smooch in the kitchen for no reason and gush about one another when the other is absent. Sometimes they feel the need for a break so my dad'll go camping but my Ma will miss him by the first night and he the same.

I've expressed to them that I know the difference between what they have and what so many others have - and that I know I've been lucky to find it for myself. They've seen C. and I, they know how he treats me and how we truly feel about one another, hell, he's been brave enough to tell them aloud, and they wouldn't ask me to give up this kind of gift for anything.

I'm so close with them and I'll miss them so much it scares me but in C. lies my heart and my future. He told me the other day - "Chiquita, I want jew to neyver worry about the money to go see jdour parents. I know how close you are to dem and just want jew to know that we'll do what ever we have to, to live good lives and for jew to go see dem when ever jew want. Don't ever worry about dee money Ok?" Anybody guess that I fell in love with him just a little more that day?

I'm so sick - SICKENED - by the people in my life that don't understand what we have. In a way I feel sorry for them because I know that they've never had this type of love, but at the same time so very angry for how cruel they can be to me in their ignorance - or for the fact that they just can't keep their opinion to their self. Every day I hear how stupid I am or how I'm making a mistake or on and on and on.

A "friend" of mine told me just a few days ago that "You'll be back, don't worry they'll give you your job back in six months, they'll wait for you." She said it smiling (kind of a laugh and a mock) and condescendingly and it was then that I realized she's never really been my friend.

A customer of mine asks me twice a week or so "YOU STILL GOIN TO MEXICO?!?" Most of the time he'll just point his finger at me and shake his head after I say yes, but this time he felt the need to inform me in front of my boss and friend that "I really think you're making a mistake. A big mistake." Like so many others though he won't back up his opinion with a reason, no, nope he's boosted only by his self righteousness. When I prompted him by asking -
"What if your wife moved across the country? Wouldn't you follow her?" His answer - "BAhh if she moved across the country that'd be her own problem and I'm not going anywhere!" I asked him if he seriously didn't love his wife enough to follow her and he replied with his own - "You always have a choice."

"You always have a choice"
He's told me that several times and this time I told him that my C. didn't HAVE a choice in leaving and my choice is made. His answer? "You've ALWAYS got a choice." Really? I told him that yeah, he COULD come back illegally and face being caught and going to jail and we COULD live in fear for the rest of our lives. I asked him what kind of life he thought that would be and asked him "Don't we deserve to not live in fear, to go through the right channels and live legally like everyone else and make a decent life for ourselves?" His answer - just a shake of the head.

It's this, this zero tolerance and zero willingness to listen to even the slightest amount of reason
that drives me mad.

My grandmother has written me off as a black sheep. I don't care, she's done it to others in my family over the years. The real shitty part is that she hasn't exactly led a peach of a life herself. Jesus this is beyond the pot calling the kettle black. This is more like the recovered alcoholic/adulteress/couldn't even raise her 5 children all from different fathers herself/but-now-I'm-holier-than-everyone- pot calling the kettle a tramp. Yeah so I'm a little angry. I hadn't seen her in many months and the first thing she asked me a couple of weeks ago was (not Hi, good to see you how are you?) "Well are you still going?" -yes- "Well.. It's your life, your gonna have to live it. (ad in a tone dripping with sarcasm and contempt and you'll get the drift) And walked away to ignore me the rest of the day. When she left I received a flap of the arm coupled with a head shake and an ever so kind "Good luck!" (same tone as above)

I'm so tired of the pity-looks and head shakes and unsolicited never thought out advice. And no, it's not "They just CARE about you." If they really cared about me they'd listen and take me seriously and at least TRY to see why I'm doing this.

There have been a few gems in all of this though. Besides my parents, my best-friend-since- forever has really steeped up bravely and supported me every inch. I was afraid for her and I in the beginning, afraid that she would be so very sad that she wouldn't be able to be anything BUT sad. But dang has this girl shown some back-bone! Hallelujah she's surprised me with her bull-dog attitude in defending my choices. And she KNOWS how much I love him, she's not married herself and has had her share of shitty relationships but is SHE jaded and resentful and mean spirited to me just because she hasn't yet found her true north? No. Nope she's strong for me, strong even if she is sad or even worried. She doesn't let it even show but I know because she's as close as a person can get without gettin it on ya know? She's my not-sexual- true north. :P Thank You Jaybird for your insane loyalty and respect. If ever I've chosen someone to be family it's you, and I'm glad you've taken me.

And my Step Mom, she's something else I tell ya. She was fierce at first, tried everything she could to get me to leave him, but after she realized that I wouldn't give in she turned on a dime and has supported me as strongly as she had once opposed me. I didn't expect that, I thought she'd just keep on her first course, but she didn't. She's done just what my parents have done, what any good parent would do for a child they love or a best friend would do for a friend they love. She supports me even though she's afraid for me or doesn't exactly agree and I don't have the words right words to express how much I appreciate it.

So amongst all my anger at so many people there are bright spots so lovely it keeps me going. I'll be going down the 16th of this month for a visit and then actually MOVING the 3rd or 4th week of September - depending on how busy it is here at work. I'll be going hopefully on an F3 visa that allows me to live there -not as a citizen - and come and go freely. In fact next week when I go down to visit he and I are going to get to know our new border town and look for a place to stay.

I've been procrastinating on EVERYTHING like packing and getting rid of stuff and my VISA and selling my quad and extra car and .. and.. and oh hell. But this past week I've started to pack in earnest and sort out stuff for my moving sale. And this weekend I SWEAR I'm going to do something about my quad. Like for real. And yeah. Yep.


So there, that's a little bit on me going to Mexico. It's a huge undertaking but I swear the biggest part of all is the emotional stuff. Mainly the discourteous abuse. (my aren't we dramatic today!)

I've got more to say but well, I think that's enough bitching and gushing for one day. :P

XOXOOXX's

Hor

Posting from the KING

Ok so I'm posting from the Burger King PARKING LOT because I'm too ashamed to take my expensive laptop (ok so, like, expensive to a poor person and it was on sale ok, just let me be impressed with myself and carry on like nothing happened) into the actual Burger King Establishment. Of course further review of this, looking at myself sitting in the PARKING LOT of a Burger King is I guess a tad worse. Weirdo extraordinaire folks, and I don't even mean to be.

God I keep thinking that giant frightening Burger King KING dude is gonna come out in costume and run me off waving his hands but not talking. I'd piss my pants, that dude is scary. Of course I AM the one typing in my car in a parking lot so maybe he's speak up and inform me that I'M the freak and to get my strange but sexy ass out of here.

I wonder if he'd offer me some apple fries first?

Ah well, anyways.


I just literally ran away from the Ghetto Laundry to come here. My god I thought on a Saturday night I'd be the only one freakish enough to be "going out" to do laundry. But APPARENTLY Saturday night is National Do-laundry-if-you're-a-horny-mexican-MALE-night. SHIT FIRE!! I walked into that place and it was like something you'd see in a prison movie. You know, where the new guy walks down the isle and all the dirty inmates stare and make lewd comments about the fresh meat? DAMN IT.

My eyes hit the floor like a hor in a catholic thunderstorm and I worked my way through the masses trying my best to pretend I wasn't on display like a freaking meat market. Kinda creepy to walk by and have 30 heads turn in succession and follow you at once. Gah.

It was all going fine until some dude came up behind me and started saying "Blanca! Blanca!" (white girl, white girl) to get my attention. I mean for real?

Seriously dude?

Like....... honestly?

Ass.

How would YOU like it if I came up behind you and started saying -in a perhaps foreign language- to you "Mexican Man! Mexican Man!" What the fuck? Would you be like "Oh! Shit! SNAP, dis girl done identified me as a Mexican Male! Oh my god I'm going to fall in love or drop my pants right here and offer sex!" Idiot.

At that point I remembered that I'm not some little church mouse - I live in the GHETTO BITCHES - and my head started to swivel a bit and I thougt to myslef - "Oh. No. He. Di'nt. No this mutha-fucka is NOT comin up behind me talkin some bullshit that I MAY or MAY NOT understand. (he doesn't know I speak spanish) What the fuck is he thinking? Oooooo lawwdy if this man gets any closer to me I swear. . ......... . . . . . (reverting back to severe cracker mode) . . . I swear I'll uhhhhhhhh. . . shit. OH!!'

'BITCH! I'll two-way my husband MI ESPOSO and have HIM tell this little ass wipe off! Yes!" HA! C. loves to be a little shit fire ant if need be, he'll save the day for me and I won't have to actually practice my Ghetto moves. Not that I have any Ghetto moves really, but I've got some good ole Ghetto Self Righteousness by gawd.

Anyways. He gave up, probably figuring I didn't understand him because I didn't turn around and went back to merely staring.

That's right beotch, you felt my super cracker ghetto skillz, you knew down deep not to mess with this pale hor. And her cell phone by god.


K, it's been enough time for my clothes to dry, wish me luck as I go back into the fire. I've got my pocket knife, my Neo-T0-Go and my Tide Pen, I think I'll be all right.


XOXOXO's
-hor