Bad Sex, Scary Sex, HAHAHAHAHA You're Goofy Sex And Everything Leading Up To It.

BLOGGET got me to thinking after I read her last comment on my last post. She mentioned being with a guy - hopefully for a VERY short time - that thought foreplay involving BITING her lady flower and DRAWING BLOOD was a good thing. EEEEKK!! Remind to never again refer to my girl parts as "my swweeeeeeet taco" to the Mexican. So that and my little covo with Sparx got me to thinking back about some of the things I've had happen during sex-encounters-of-the-goofier-kind in the past, and some of the stuff leading up to sex as well.

Ever Kissed someone channeling a St. Bernard after a good long drink? God that poor boy licked half my face off and made me consider never wearing scented lotion again. I had to dump him. Yeah for kissing. But come on I gave him TWO WEEKS but he just couldn't be taught. The next time I encountered a lamprey I knew right away what to do and cut him off on the phone the day after our first kiss. No need to lead people on folks.
(do give me a break tho I was 16)

One guy thought it would be cool to show me that he could seal off my mouth and blow air into me thus blowing my nose all over him. Smart. Next time he decided to suck the air out of my lungs but only managed to suck a bunch of air in through MY NOSE with his super seal vacuum technique. He ended up dislodging a boogie out of the back of my sinus (Eeeeeewwwwwww) and made it go down my throat. hoo hoOOl HOOOOOAAAAALLLLLLLLKKKK Exuse me I'm a bit beyond squeamish about , alllk hhooooaaalllkkk, mucus *gag* and thus the boy had to go. I heard he ended up being an EMT, I'll bet he's damn good at some CPR.

I DID actually stay with a beginner bad kisser - ONE TIME - and that would be my swwweeett little bean burrito. Our first make-out session he realized that I like a little bite on the lip here and there but then succeeded to half chew off my bottom lip for the next 30 minutes. True story we ended up stopping making out because by I was in actually pain. My lip was sore for two entire days and I had to come clean and give him a lesson in moderation. I realized that he was doing it to please me and his willingness to improve so quickly actually got his butt bumped up to a first class seat in my reptilian sex brain. ( extreme willingness to please + quick learner = MMMmmmmmm boyyeeee howwwdy) So he got to stay ;)

Ok enough gag me sweet stuff lets really get into it!! I'm sure all you gals have encountered a "minute man" in your life, ahh well I've learned that it happens but if they can at least get up for another (longer) run in a reasonable amount of time - or AT LEAST be willing to go and have a "talk" with the lady flower then I'm gonna cut em some slack. But speaking of "talking" to the center-of-all-that-is-wonderful, I once encountered a man that thought either he really was a busy bee or maybe hell he thought chicks like the "bbbvvbbvvbbvvbbvvbbvvv" back and forth motor boat thing between their boobs so he thought he'd try and talk to my girl that way. I'm sorry but she doesn't speak motor boat or busy bee. I for real picked my head up and just stared at 'im for a bit and when he kept on doing it I had to bit my lip not to laugh. I believe I allowed myself a silent giggle but it was gonna turn into a belly laugh, and I was afraid that if I laughed at him he might turn his blubB.B.B.Bering self on me and do my tummy next. I'm so ticklish I might have lost it completely and stopped breathing. Silly boy.

One time I had a guy that thought that sucking in and spitting out my lady LEAVES like a slippery gummy worm was sure to light me on fire. I was almost to the point of laughing at that one for real but then he figured he'd bring out the freakin shop vac power and bought ripped off one of my delicate leaves. SHIT! That's one way to douse an already dying fire. Holy crap. He had to be stopped.

Then there was tiny-too-quik. I kind of wondered why this guy had a bit of a chip on his shoulder, I thought it was just cuz he was kinda short and had a touch of "little man syndrome" but it wasn't his height that was the littlest about him. Now don't get me wrong even a hor can make mighty fine due with nothin more than 4 inches -no lie - but this buy was so short and so SKINNY in that dept. that when I got my hand on it I felt kinda dirty. Jesus I wanted to check his I.D. and make sure he really was 21 and not just a harry 12 year old. GGGaaahhhhh that's really gross I'm sorry but it was just - MAN it was small! My next thought was "Really, What the hell, Am I going to DO, With this??" Well I tried, with an open mind cuz ya never know.

But THEN, not only was he mr. teeeeeny he also thought it was a good idea to thrust anywhere from 180-200 TPM. (thrusts per minute) Yes it IS possible I timed it out. (one mississippi, two mississippi DAMN three mississippi) I was afraid that even though I really couldn't FEEL him that he still might be giving me some sort of . . . burn. Ya know like when you rub sticks together REEEAAALLYY fast to start a fire? That kind.

Oh lordy lordy I've had some fun. Now don't you guysget me wrong I'm not claiming to have never made my ownmistakes once upon a blue moon. I once came pretty close to breaking a guys boner in half during a bit of an over zealous performance reverse cowgirl style. Ouch, but he was just bruised.

Ah well win some lose some and make blog material for some. It's all good at the end of the day. (or week)