It's Not My Fault I'm a Hor at Heart

I ripped this off from Krissie who ripped it off from Belle (both in the blogroll cuz they're kool kidz) but only because it is just so perfect! Take a look at the first line.



AHAHAHAHAHAHAAH Promiscuous One!! HAHAHAHAHAH SO THERE!! It's not my fault, it's because of my birthdate. SO! If you're looking for an "easy" girl just make sure she's a Sagi, be kind to her, tell her she's pretty and BAM!! You're in.

As for the rest of the stuff in the list? Well of COURSE every single one is true. Actually it's quite spot-on, and yeah, I guess they're meant to be that way, but it's still nice to read.

OKEE-DOKE!! I'll be back in a bit with something more substantial but I just couldn't pass this up.

Thankful Hor

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!!!!!!!

Things I'm Thankful For:

Astroglide
Vibrators
Dildos
Men (especially C.)
Cocks
Orgasms
Pie
Computers
Really Cool Blog Pals
Post-it-notes
Christmas Music
Shoes
Hooker boots
Books
Erotica
Having a (getto bastard sonofabitch) car
A roof over my head to get it on
Getting it on in random apple orchards
Daffodils
Potatoes
Testosterone
My ass
The ability to smack an ass
The fact that I'm not paralyzed and I can feel my ass being smacked
Cranberries
Beef Jerky
My Dad
My Mom
The fact that My mom and my Father got-it-on 25 yrs ago
Condoms
Chocolate
The Phrase "Uncle Fucker"
The Phrase "Big Floppy Donkey Dick"
My BFF Jaybird
Klonopin
Highlighters
Those markers that we had when I was a kid that smelled like fruit
My digi camera
My guitar
My violin
My hidden stash of dildos and the fact that it IS hidden
Batteries
My job
Lingerie
Sales
Thrift Stores
Lipgloss
Edible Body Sparkles
Mascara
Hooker Lashes
Toe Socks

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!!

AFRO-DEE-ZEE-ACKS

I call shenanigans. Well I guess that is unless my Blog-Pals give me some Afro-advice and swear it's true, cuz if a blogger swears then by gall it's true.

Aphrodite, the love goddess was said to consider "sparrows" sacred because of their "amorous nature" COOL! Geez grampa never mind fighting medicare for that boner just take your pellet gun out back and get your moneys worth out of all that damn bird seed you've been throwing on the ground! Kick ass.

C. seems to think that shrimp make a man's pole stronger and enable him to go all night long. I tried to explain to him that he's able to imitate a bunny rabbit by merely breathing AIR. I'm not one to complain but this guy isn't going to need Viagra later in life. Hell I imagine whoever gets his donated blood ends up with a boner right on the operating table.

Also on the Mexican front - Coriander (cilantro seed)
is supposed to raise the flag. Seems how I am an official member of I Hate Cilantro.Com I'm not going to be able to give you any unbiased info. ALTHOUGH maybe that explains why Mexicans have so many dang kids. BLECH WWHYYYYY do they love that shit so much? ACK.

Raw Oysters? Gosh I don't know about you all but for me, having my gag reflex kick in and the resulting PUKE just aren't that much of a turn on. Plus there's that whole worry of food poisoning. If I managed to get one down I'd end up sitting next to the phone with Poison Controls phone number in one hand and charcoal in the other. No dice.

Garlic? Gee nothing like Dego-breath to get me reved up. Bring on that noodle baby doll! ALDENTE!! (in my defense my BF is part wop so that's why I can use this slur, just like how my fiance is Mexican so I can call him a beaner any time I want)

Last on the list that I read this morning was wine. Hmmmmm. . . well golly-fuckin-gee that's something I would have NEVER figured. Thank You Internets, really. Hey DYCK what do YOU use to get chicks fired up enough to drop the restraining order and have a go with you? (BESIDES the date-rape drug, geez Dyck this is almost a family site now-days)

Anybody else?

No Animals Were Harmed In The Making Of This Post

I'm BACK!! :) 4 days of hunting fun!! Let me break it down for you.


Day 1 - 8 hours in the wilds - saw a squirrel.
Day 2 - 7 hours in the wilds - finished book started the day before - Lost small amount of hope
Day 3 - 4 hours in the wilds - came to the conclusion that I'm a jinx - Gave up, read book.
Day 4 - 0 hours in the wilds - Slept in, finished second book. Went home.

TA-DAHHHHHH!!!!!

Screw you and your porcupine too Bambie. Ahhh 4 friggin days and all I got was a sore ass! FROM SITTING Dyck, sitting, how sad,
I know.

Aw crap and since I was staying in the same camper as my DAD it's not like I could exactly have any "fun time" by myself. So yes 4 whole days without internet (wasn't that bad, had books) AND 4 days with NO SEXUAL ANYTHING. Wow, can we say frustrated? A tad? SMIDGE??? I would have considered running out into the woods and jilling off but there was that whole I'd-probably-get-shot-thing going on. Hunter dudes are a serious bunch, even if they SAW me jilling off and realized I wasn't a deer they might take a pot-shot anyways just to get me out of their deer area.

Of course Deer Camp means PORN for a lot of guys so at least THEY get some something. (oh dad thank-you for not watching or not trying to watch porn with me, cuz damn)

I'm gonna go home and get it on, I'll report back tomorrow with something worth-while and hopefully more (sex) interesting. HOR - OUT.

I'm Goin Male Hunting!!

I'm leaving today to drive far north into the wilderness to be with my Dad and some family friends of whom all (including myself (i think)) all have intentions of finding eligible males.
I'm leaving behind poor C. for 4 whole days (ok unless I cave and can't stand it and come home early) with nothing but a kiss goodbye and some homemade pies. Hey I figure if I'm leavin his ass I can at least bake somethin for 'im. He'll be drowning in pumpkin by 7p.m.

Last night I over-packed like a trooper and I'm goin home to over-pack some more. It's so hard to gauge what to wear! Gawd I had to dig out all of my male-trolling cloths out of the back of my closet but it was worth it, I found my best hat.

Thank Goodness I called my mom last night, I almost forgot my hand warmers and seat cushion! Dad's leaving her behind but I guess she's ok with it, so that's cool. I'll be picking up my gun from their house on the drive up and I'll be all SET!! Bring it on boys, come to mama!

SOOOooooo anybody else going hunting? HHHmmmm? Opening day is tomorrow and I'm gonna be there dark and early, set up out in the freezing cold, sitting on a crate (with seat cushion!) holding my gun and hoping for the best.

Grand times ahead. No t.v. no computer, no Internet, running water, shower, real toilet, weeeeellllll aren't we just getting the picture NOW???? AHHHHHHHHHHHH The picture is that I love my Dad to pieces and it's a dream come true for him to have his daughter sitting out in the woods from dark to dark in hopes of shooting a male. Oh. Ok. I'm sorry you guys but I'm gonna have to just give up the ruse and type it. My Dad wants me to shoot a deer. Ok? Ok.

My mom is thrilled that I'll be spending 10 hours a day in the middle of the woods on a crate being ONE with nature and finding my center and stuff. Ok so last year maybe I fell asleep for the first 3 hours but HEY! I was still and quiet, just like they told me to be. Last year I was only up for a day and a half so I didn't get truly immersed in the day in day out schedule but THIS year, FOUR DAYS. Omygosh.

Did I happen to mention overpacking? That would be me trying to horde everything possible into my car that I might need on a four day trip to the woods to keep me from going bonkers.
No less than 10 books in 6 different genre (I never KNOW what I'll want to read till I start) my guitar, all my C.D.'s, Sudoku, Crosswords, nail polish, face masks, and quite possibly even though I'm trying hard NOT to, all four of my electronic hand held games. Tetris my love do you think you'll be able to be quite long enough for me to kill a deer? Hmmmm????

OKAY, Okay, so I DO like going up there, I really do. I love to go fishing and canoeing and walking in our woods to see the beaver damn and making smores over the camp fire. MMMMMmmmm and taking my quad runner up to the trails and riding Alllll day. :) Oh just yummy! But this time of year? Gun Season? That stuff is OV-ER. The only business you have in the woods this time of year is if you're dressed in day-glo-orange and you've got a gun in your hand. So. Sitting in the woods, alone. I'd LIKE to say that I'm like my mom and I get all connected and have an overwhelming urge to sing out loud to mother nature or that I'm like my Dad and live for the thrill of the hunt but I can't.

I like the fun stuff! Shame on me for getting bored I know, but if I don't see a group of deer out there start a spontaneous deer-orgi and get to take pictures of two dude deers goin at it - and then hear them realize that they're not gay and be all like "Hey sorry dude, I just got caught up in the moment and stuff." and the other deer be all like "'S'all right bro, no harm done, and HEY! congrats on the monster wood, that's badass dude!" Theeeeennnnnn I'm just gonna be bored.

At least this year I'm bringing carrots and sugar and stuff so maybe at least I'll get to see a couple of squirrels. I wonder if I laced the sugar with something if the squirrels would start an orgi? We'll see. Anyways forgive me but I'm OFF to the wilderness and'll be back bright 'N' early monday morning. Hopefully with deer/squirrel/porcupine orgi pics. We'll see.

Dildos Don't Hide

I just don't know what it is about 'em but the damn things prefer to be in the spotlight. Maybe they're kinda vain. I guess if you think about it a lot of them ARE made to be pretty aesthetically pleasing. I've seen em with flowers and neon colors and embellished with every sort of cute little creature you could ever want to. . . well no. - Shit WHY DID they start making dildos into the "Rabbit," "Dolphin," "Butterfly," "Cheetah" and the like?

Has anybody THOUGHT about this? Just what the HELL? I've kind of always wanted to SWIM with a dolphin and I've been known to eat a rabbit or two in my hillbilly life but never have I thought "Hey, I'd like a CHEETAH to give me a blow job. Yeah and then maybe I'll see if I can't talk a butterfly into fucking me."

Tell you the truth I'm scared of butterflies. I don't give a flying squirrel shit if they have pretty wings people - they. are. a. BUG. Bugs creep me freak me out and I don't want em touchin me. NO I do NOT think it's cute to have a butterfly land on my arm or my hand because insects have one track minds -eat to reproduce- and I don't want no bug mistaking my sweet arm for nectar, (or if I'm exercising) a salt lick, so whatever - stay OFF.

Right. Where were we? Ah yes, dildos. Today is "Share your embarrassing sex toy story day," and I'm gonna start us off.

True story. Back when I first kinda half assed moved out of my parents house I pretty much left all my stuff in my room as is and came home every few days to do laundry and get different clothes, toiletries, what have you. I wasn't officially out, just kinda not there much. AND since I was getting some strange pretty regular with that boyfriend of mine I didn't feel the need to take my toy with me. Okay and yeah this was back in the day before I was comfy telling a boy about my toys. SOOO Mr. Good Vibe stayed in my room back at home in his official hiding place. - In between my mattress and the wall. - STEALTHY!

But dag gummit wouldn't you know that being gone so much left me out of the loop as far as family gatherings went AND apparently was quite the opening for my parents to have over-night guests stay with them since they had an extra room and all? Huh. Who knew.

RIiiggghhhhhttt I'm sure you see where this is going, you seem to be smart folks. Unfortunately the first guests to stay would be my very own older BROTHER and his wife. My bed was one of them twin deals - i.e. no room for more than 1 and a 1/2 people - so the chances of one of them not ending up with an arm between the mattress and the wall at some point were kind of nill. Oh yeah and my mom gave them new sheets to put on the bed (which...would require TUCKING THEM IN!)

They had already been and gone by the time I came home for my weekly visit so I never had to see them face to face. The subject has never been brought up, but I know. I just. . . know.

Sorry Bro.

This Post Is Dedicated to:
"Mr. Good Vibe"
His vibe motor finally gave out
but he really gave it a good run.
R.I.P
In the county dump.

For All my Mail-Order Pals Out There. :)

Changes Being Made, Please Stand By

In light of recent events and the rapid influx visitors led here by google searches of the unsavory type I've made the decision to go Anonymous.

It was ok in the beginning of my blog (I thought) to have my picture up and be fun and free and all that but as the subject matter of my writing as changed over time it's come to my attention that I need to protect not only myself but my family and friends.

My blog pals that come here on a regular basis often refer to me by the first name in my IP address, (a lindy star is actually a simulated gem stone that was very popular in the 80's see to your right(and it's acutally spelled linde star but we all know I great I am with spelling!)) strangers often call me Danielle (Danielle is the screen name of one of the first bloggers that I started reading way back when) and others call me Hor.

I'd appreciate it if my super-great-and-wonderful-commenting pals would hence forth just call me Dhor. No, I'm not a hor in real life but for the sake of my identity and the sanity of my family I would appreciate if anyone that KNOWS my real-life name would refrain from using it. As for my IP address name and my blog header name I'd like to for-go the use of those as well for the sake of just plain not confusing new folks that come here.

One more is the nickname and name that I've used for my fiance. It wasn't very bright of me to ever type them here but I did and it's done (and has been edited out the best I can) but from now on I would appreciate if you would all just refer to him as C. (or any of my variations of burrito-boy, mexi-man, whatever ;)

Thanx to you all in advance for your respect and understanding.

Ok! That's enough of that, let's get back to business! :)

How To Find A Street Hor Worth Her Pay

Gals? I'll do a Man-Hor Tip post tomorrow (perhaps?) but for today it's for my lonely boys. ;)

Okay!! I feel it would be a shame if I didn't share some tips of the trade with you guys out there reading. And by "guys out there reading" I mean you all that are often in the market for for the paid presence of a woman. I'm thinking my buddy DYCK could use a few pointers these days. Poor guy's gotta be so amped up by Sassy that he's going out of his mind. Dyck, Sassy is all that is wonderful, and I'm sorry but I don't think she's into clowning around any more.

By my pal RYANS last post I'm thinking he needs to get laid kinda pronto. He waxed quite beautifully and disturbingly about the all encompassing sexiness of Kenny Rogers. And he's not gay. If anybody needs to get a quick lay it's him. Just wow.

And then there's Jeremy. Jeremy surpasses even Dyck in the nasty bastard sonofabitch category and I'm sure is quite the frequenter of the ladies of the night.
No offense to you boys at all, folks've got to get laid on others've gotta make a dime so here's some tips to get your moneys worth.

Let's get to it shall we? Good Hor Findin 101:

Sensible Shoes. If I'm lyin I'm dyin folks but if you get good at scouting footwear you're gonna find quality more often than not. And here's what I mean - If you see a hor out there in shoes like the first ones to your right, move along. These shoes are TERRIBLY uncomfortable and scream "I AM A NEWBIE." Look at the angle of decent from heel to toe, it's almost freakin vertical and is gonna hurt like hell. These are most likely her first pair of hoe-in shoes.

You MIGHT think that HEY! A newbie is a GOOD thing but really? If you're looking for a good damn time with somebody who knows what they're doing and is gonna give you your tokens worth you don't want that newbie. These dang shoes not only say "newbie" but they also tell you that this gal's gonna be tired, in pain and isn't going to want to put on the best "pre-show" by doing a bunch of dancing around. She's gonna want to kick of them heels PRONTO, and just lay back and rest for a bit. She's also not gonna be much fun or too full of energy to really give a good time.

BUT! And of course this is probably obvious but for the posts sake don't go for one with TOO comfortable of shoes. I.E. A worn out pair of White Keds (turned brown/grey by age) circa 1992. Geeewwww I'm just not going there. Self explanatory folks.

NOW!! On to the real deal, the shoes on the gals you SHOULD be lookin for. These gals will for sure have on high heels - it's not JUST for looking sexy, some of yall are too short and some too tall therefore removable stilts come in handy for certain stand-up-positions. A good, experienced but not yet worn out girl that's got some smarts, is gonna be in some ho-lookin heels with the secret of comfort. I.E. to your right once again. Just look at them beauties! They scream pole dancin hooker but if you look CLOSE you will see that the angle of decent from heel to toe isn't vertical like those above.

They're really not bad at all but the fact is hidden by all of the shininess and leather and coolness. The front platform addition is a toe-saver! This gal is gonna be feeling just fine-thank-you-very-much, no tired girlie there. Her sexy sensible shoes will tell you that she's not a newbie (gonna know what buttons to push on your ass for sho!) AND that she's not a worn out helga.

Ok enough with the in depth look at shoes, here's some quick tips to help you out.

2. Ask her if she minds going out in your vehicle to a secluded location with nobody around. If she says "Yes" - PASS. If she's fine with the prospect of getting axe-murdered than in the past she's probably been fine with the request of going condom-free and boy-howdy DYCK I'd miss you if you got the AIDS.

3. You're at the Bunny Ranch, don't pick the prettiest girl in the line-up. This girl is gonna KNOW that she's hot and isn't gonna give much of a damn about putting out too much effort. She's gonna thing (and for some rightly so) that she's so hot all she has to do it just BE there and you'll do the rest just fine on your own. Go for the good but not greatest looking bunny and she'll be more apt to put some fire into the play.

4. If she adjusts her crotch at any point during the interview you might want to check and makes sure you're not on the trany-side of town. Unless you swing that way and then hey good for you.

5. If she has perfectly strait, pearly white teeth - PASS, she's a cop. I'm not saying go for snagletooth but really if she's been professionally whitened you might just want to steer clear.

6. Ask her what some questions about music. If her favorite gal singer is Hanna Montana you just move your ass along and find someone over 21. Be slick and ask her favorite Nirvana song. For shits sake if she says Nirvana Who? And doesn't follow up with an "I'm more of a Garth Brooks kinda gal," then move your ass along.

Movie Rewiew - 30 Days Of Night - (holy SHIT fire!!)

We went to see 30 Days of Night last night for our Halloween treat. I had no idea what it was supposed to be about but we figured it was supposed to be scary so that's what we chose.

Oh holy CRAP DAMN SHIT that movie scared the DOG PISS out of me! Just wow. UUUUUhh honest to god I couldn't even eat my popcorn and all the muscles in my abdomen hurt afterwards and still today from being so TENSED up the whole time. I think I jumped in my seat like 5 times and even C. was surprised.

We love scary movies but honestly how often does a good one come by? I really can't remember a super-extra-not-stupid-and-lame one like this since I was a little kid and my mom took me to see Jurassic Park. Okay so I don't know what I would think of J.P. TODAY but that is the last time I can remember ever being so scared while watching a movie.

The Village? Ahh it was OOHKAAAYY

The newest Halloween? Oh frigging BARF LAAAMMEE.

Final Destination movies? Ok so I like them just to see how they'll knock people off but just not scary ya know?

Cabin Fever? - God that movie sucked donkey balls

The newest Texas Chainsaw M. movie? Ughh lame LAME super LAME.

Jeepers Creepers 1 and 2? - Stupid

Wrong Turn ?- Lame

I think you can see the pattern I'm getting at here. But THIS movie, just holy damn. If I was the type of person to buy DVD's I would SO get this. And then NEVER ever watch it. In fact it would scare me just being on my shelf.

Oh and Krissie? I saw a preview of a movie called "Step Up 2 the streets." It's another one of them dancing movies you like so much. Comes out Feb. '08 just so ya know.

An old guy here at work just told me that the original "Night of the Living Dead" might be old as hell but it's for real scary. So help me out here, what are some REALLY scary movies that you all have watched that aren't super-lame? Do tell, I love to rent!