13 Things That Pissed Me Off While Running Yesterday

1. It was fucking HOT!!!

2. The wind was blowing. I'll explain later. (normally a good thing on a hot day)

3. I have certain areas of my body that I'd like to keep covered while running.

4. The FUCKING wind plastered my shirt to these areas.

5. These areas move with me as I run. Actually they move around more than I do.

6. I was sweating because it was stupid ass crack HOT!

7. This further plastered my shirt to my body.

8. FUCK!! Running is supposed to make me feel good and not like a self conscious freak.

9. There was a retarded amount of traffic to witness me in all of my glory.

10. My Shit Bastard walkman ate my Nickelback tape. Yes you assholes my TAPE!!

11. I seriously doubt I can buy a replacement tape. Do they make them anymore?

12. My burrito man doesn't understand why I turn beet red because he's not a white person and feels the need to question me about it and stare like I'm about to spontaneously combust and he might have to put me out.

13. Did I mention that I jiggle? I think I did. Fuck Fuckity bitch fuck.

Old people and sticks

Why do old people always carry a stick when they go out for a walk? Not a walking stick but like a 2-3 foot thing that looks like they picked it up off the side of the road. And not really in the Ghetto, but more like in rural areas, although sometimes in suburban places as well. ( I'm afraid to think why they DON'T carry in the Ghetto but I suspect maybe they've got something a little more low profile.)

Does anybody else see this? Am I missing something important here? When I run all I carry is a walkman.

Oh oops, sort of outed myself there with the walkman thing. Does anybody even know what that is? You bitches listen here before you and your ipod asses start making fun of me cuz I'm not lugging around some big ass CD player that's going to skip and piss me off, and I'm too cheap/poor for an MP3 or Ipod. OMG I SOOOOO want an Ipod. A green one.

God I can't even take my walkman to the gym. I'm too afraid people will either laugh at me or think it's a bomb.

Anyways, old people, sticks. Is if for protection? Are they afraid of wild dogs or something? Why has this been lost on newer generations? Is there some sort of old people letter you get with your first SS check that informs you that you need to start carrying a club if you want to be cool? WTF???

I googled "old guy with a stick" and came up with a shillelagh -

It's a 2-4 foot club that was used by Irish people back in the day to beat the shit out of each other, or just to carry around for protection from muggers and stuff. Check out the pick I found it looks like a bunch of gnarled penis sticks. Dildo sticks. Cool. The one kind of looks like the end of a poop and I don't think I could get turned on by that. But anyways.

I still don't know why old people do it. Were there more wild attacking animals back in the day? Are they still afraid of hippies or something? Maybe it's the emo kids. I think the emo kids NEED to be beat by old people.

Ok I'm done. Anybody here carry a stick? Sassy? Ever almost kill anybody with a stick?

Will have sex with Johnny Depp for free.

Ok so I saw the new pirates movie this weekend. I'm a little pissy about part of the ending but what ever.

Actually you know what? No.

Fuck You Disney you misleading bastards. At one point about 3/4ths the way through the movie when they are trying to make everything look like there's just no way the good guys can win I actually sat back in my seat and had a mental moment reassuring myself that in fact this is NOT a Nicholas Sparx book, it's Disney, and Disney WILL give me the happy ending I crave.

I want my cushy mommy kissed it and made it all better ending. Fuck irony, fuck plot twists, and fuck everything that isn't my perfect how did they pull that out of their ass happy ending.

Ok so for those of you who haven't seen it don't get all freaked out, for you I'm sure it won't be half as bad as I'm making it out to be but for me it wasn't the perfection I felt I deserved.

Fuckers.

Top it off, TODAY I have to go and see Shrek 3 with C. cuz he loves those movies. I'm not going to talk shit about them, the first one WAS funny, but I can think of better things to do. Oh well, he really gets a slam out of them. I think it has something to do with translation. He's trying so hard to keep up that his brain skips the "this was funny the FIRST time" message.

Did I mention that Disney can fuck off? Didn't want anybody to forget, just in case.

Duct Tape + Roses = Love

Yesterday I think my Mexican was trying to woo and impress my hillbilly side.

When I got home from work I noticed that he had washed my car. (I took his car to work cuz it's cuter than mine, has a better C.D. player and I am in the process of stealing it from him)

Anyways, I went inside to say thank you and he asked me if I had looked inside. Inwardly I cringed just a bit because I am a BASTARD about keeping the inside of my car clean. It just doesn't happen and I figured he was hinting that he had cleaned that as well. Actually HE was the last person to clean it out, and since then I had quite effectively shitted it up again. My bad.

Anyways I walked back out (in my socks, beautiful ghetto princess that I am) and to my surprise I saw 3 roses on my dash. And here's where it get's good. The roses weren't laying on the dash, they were attached.

With duct tape.

He wanted them to be in an upright position and figured the best way to get them that way would be to duct tape the shit out of them until he reached the desired effect. We DO have clear packing tape in the house so it's not like he didn't have a choice. Oh yes he chose only the best for me.

That's my kind of love right there. Ok and there was a card too, get out your barf bag if your sensitive to mush. It said "There are 4 beautiful flowers in this car right now. This 3, and you. "

AWWWWwwww Ok so there was nothing funny about that part but I'm proud of my little jumping bean.
I asked him if he came up with the card writing by himself and he gave me his best "black girl" head wobble and his little mexican hiss. All of that stuff translates to "yes you beotch I can't believe you asked."

But the duct tape. That's beautiful.

Wordless Wendsday, sort of, not really

This is one of the pics that I took inside my parents house. I want to do a post about the crazy hillibillies but I'm retarded busy so here's just a wee pic. Can anybody guess what it is????

Site meter is a skank

I think you've contracted an STD because every time I go to pay you a visit you let me look at like two things and then shit out.

Damn it Site Meter I'm obsessed with you and all of your wonderful knowledge. I do back flips when I see that I've gained another one or two repeat readers and I LOVE it when you tell me that people from other countries read my crap. I posted when I reached 1000 people and called my best friend when I got to 2000.

It's sad but I need you. You give me geeky satisfaction and assurance.

So get your ass to the doctor and take a pill or get a shot and stop sleeping around with Trakzor you dirty dirty slut!

I knew I was raised a Redneck

I talked to my Mom today and she was really excited to tell me about my Dad's bought with a chicken killing predator this morning.

My parents have a big ole fenced in chicken park with a happy chicken house. The fence keeps out most critters and does it's job pretty well but every once in a while they get a persistent predator that has to be trapped or "taken care of."

My mom said that this morning they woke up to quite a commotion outside and saw a punk trying to climb the fence. My dad ran out and scared it away but shortly later I guess it decided to come back.

Not a good idea pal.

My Mom said she was sitting in the kitchen, waking up and drinking coffee when she heard a loud ass blast from INSIDE the house. She ran back to their bedroom where the noise came from and saw my Dad standing there with one of his guns. He was pretty excited having "taken care of" the problem and my mom was a little perplexed until she saw that the window screen was gone.

She assumed that he had removed that part of the window to have a shot without going outside and scaring it away. But no. My dad said that the critter was on top of the actual chicken house and he didn't have enough time to get outside so he made the snap decision to shoot through the window.

The screen was gone because he shot it out of the window frame.

My Dad has great aim and got the intruder with one humane shot so he was pretty damn excited regardless.

Any questions about my hillbilly upbringing?
I doubt too many.
I love my family.

THE Helicopter

Ladies if you've been with a man longer than 6 months you might have seen it.

Guys? You've done it. Either by yourself in the bathroom or in front of a woman, you've done it.

Something that a chick will tell her BEST girlfriend about and exclaim "NO WAY!!" then whisper "nuh-huh, him too??," when she finds out that her friend has seen the phenomenon as well.

Something that a group of experienced women out on a ladies night will bring up after a few cocktails and have a good ole time laughing about. And if their lucky, somebody will be just drunk enough off the Applebees cocktail list to do a half stand in the booth and demonstrate.

The Mancopter. The helicopter move. If the stars are aligned, the tide is right, he's drunk or just plain been with you forever, at one point your man will bust this out on you. He might start out in loose boxers or just be strutting around nekkid but at one point something will hit him and he will start the helicopter mating dance.

At this point your man will point his nekkid pepe in your direction and full of pride that only a man can posses begin to swish and gyrate his hips - or entire body depending on his grace- and attempt to make said pepe to rotate in a circular motion (like a helicopter blade) for your viewing pleasure. You will stare in awe of his . . . of his. . god I don't know but you'll stare and you'll most likely laugh. Or try REALLY hard not to laugh, but if you're drunk he's out of luck.

Make sure to pry thy eyes away from the cockcopter for a minute and DO NOT miss out on your mans facial expression. Guaranteed his face will start out with a look of complete concentration and move on to abundant glee. Of course that is if he can get his member to rotate properly. If not, and all he can manage is a diagonal back and forth he'll probably be pretty sad but he'll keep trying for you, don't worry.

They'll do it hard or soft but I think it works best a bit in between. If he's got a little (or a lot) of pudge you're really gonna have a show on your hands. You can end up with a big ole heap of gyrating, vibrating, jiggly man just as happy as he can be.

If inevitably he can't get it right, one of two things will happen. He will be devastated and you will need to do some major ego repair, OR he might move on to another dance for you.

Has anybody ever witnessed the swinging balls? It's the poor mans helicopter and I'm not going into it, I... I just can't. *shudder*

Eventually your man will tire of his rotation display (or he'll hurt his balls by getting to rowdy) and have to stop. He's going to need reassurance from you that even though you were laughing your ass off that "why yes sexy darling" I was indeed impressed.

If you haven't witnessed it yet just wait, but if you're impatient and brave just ask. He might be shy about it for a few minutes but no man can resist the pull of the helicopter.

Men and Balls

Ok so we all know that men LOOOVE to play with their twigs and berries all the time, it's nothing new. New to ME though is the sudden raise in percentage of men I see on a daily basis yanking their crank. I don't really mind, I find it amusing the level of comfort some of the males in my life have found in my presence.

1. One of our salesmen. Great guy - funny, cute, hard worker, great dresser blah blah but a King of ball adjustments. He will be standing talking to me and our bosses and just start goin at it, rucksackin around down there until he's satisfied and all usually while he's talking. It's like a one man show or something. Add to that he's very particular about how his clothes look and at any point during conversation might whip off his belt buckle, down his zipper a bit, pull out his shirt part way and go on his merry way of re tucking it in to be just right.
We've called him on it more than once and his excuse is that he grew up on a farm and is just used to being around guys out in the field all the time and not caring. Whatever, he also went 1st-12th and college. Oh well it's a laugh.

2. C 's started doing it in front of me now. We are to that stage where things like not ball shucking in my lady-like presence have flown the coop. Oh well if I call him on it he at least will still blush. (I know the day will come when he preforms the "helicopter" for me but I think it's quite a few months to come.)

3. My dad the other day. Eeew. I don't even think he realized he did it but my mom and I had a good ole time letting him know.

4. Last but not least my sweet little brother. I went for a visit on mothers day and throughout the day he slowly shed clothing like he always does. Kid LOVES to be nekkid. Anyways right before I left he was down to his superman undies and was getting ready for bath time. He knows he at least has to keep his skives on throughout the day but any mention of bath time and he considers it fair game. His mom told him to come and give sissy a hug and here he comes a runnin all nekkid and free to give me a hug. Great.

Anyways as he stood back to say bye he found it to be the opportune moment to scratch the hell out of his wee ballsack for his Dad and I to see. And enjoy it. I think he might have even closed his eyes and concentrated. He's the greatest and I'm pretty sure my bio Dad was actually proud. Boys.

Mexican + First time driving a stick = WTF???

Yesterday C. called me at work to tell me he bought a car. I knew he was looking for a car but I didn't realize he was just going to jump off and buy one just like that. But whatever. Anyways he asks me "Do you know how to drive a stick?"

Well let's think here my little chorizo, I drove a semi for almost 4 years and still have to sometimes if we get low on drivers. HHHmmmmm I wonder. Let's RREEAALLYY think about this.

Ok, so after he asked me I asked him. Lo and behold, what the shit, he has no idea how to drive a stick. But he bought one, and had his friend drive him home in it. Well isn't that nice. WHAT????

Ok. Fine. I told him that I would teach him, said our "Te amo's" and sweetly hung up the phone. THEN I ran to my boss and had a panic attack all over her desk. Let's count the reasons why I shouldn't be teaching him how to drive a stick. Come, let us.

1. I have no Patience.
2. I get frustrated very easily and start getting pissy -quick.
3. I think the top two might apply to him as well.
4. I love him.
5. He's a mexican, I think there's SOME stereotype out there about them and driving I just don't know what it is and don't want to.
6. He drives a regular car like a retarded man.
7. The only other time I tried to teach someone how to drive something she (jaybird) ended up half in the ditch with a blown tire. (ok so it was her first time driving a car and we were like 16, and there was a scary STICK in the road)
8. He's a "man." I'm not. He's not going to listen to me and I'm gonna get pissed.
9. I'm normally an optimist and this is the stuff that I am thinking.

Ok, blah blah blah, I drive for a bit, try to explain and let him go at it. AND WHAT THE HELL SHIT??? That little slut got in and took off like it was nothing. He over wound it EVERY time he shifted but other than that it was no big deal. Speaking of over winding the engine, I kept telling him OVER AND OVER to shift "when it gets to the 2 or 2 1/2 !!!"
He kept shifting at like 3 1/2 and I just figured he was nervous, but it turns out that he doesn't know what a tac or RPM is and thought I was telling him to shift at 20mph. Good Lord.

Anyways it was pretty uneventful until we headed home and came upon a big ass hill with a stop sign. Oops I forgot about that part. And of COURSE some guy would come strait up our ass at this particular moment. C. had no idea what was going to happen and when he pushed in the clutch and that bitch started rolling backwards he went into panic mode pushing and pulling every brake in the car, killing it and simultaneously grabbing the dash for dear life. HA HA HA HA HA!!! Oh shit I'm still laughin. Oh ho ho ho. That's what he gets for being so cocky when I told him I was impressed with how fast he picked it up.

I tried to explain how to do maneuver the hill but he was traumatized so we attempted to get out so I could show him and get us off the road. I told the dude behind us the deal and went over to the drivers side. He was still there trying to figure out how to get his fingers out of the dashboard and his seat belt off.

I drove around the block, explained what happened and how to fix it and went back to the hill. I parked farther down the hill and made him stop and do it over and over like 5 times until we got the top. When we got to the actual stop sign Mr. Cocky was back and told me that I could stop walking him through it every time and to "watch this." BBBWWAAAHAHAHHA

Mr. Cocky will never learn, I watched him kill it all to shit, and come strait down london bridge off his leeeetle pedestal. Oooooo soooowoo sowwy wee wittle showwoff. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

That's love. In case you need the definition of what love really is it is taking on a seemingly impossible task together and then laughing at them when they fail. And not feeling bad about it. Cuz he was cocky.

Anyways enough of my shit for now he'll be fine, cock and all.