Mountain Mamma (link at bottom of page) gave me that pretty new badge that you see you your right. EEEEEEEEEE!!!! She's one cool ass mom. She's deaf and she talkes about what it's like for her in a hearing world being a mom. PLUS she's funny and knows how to make homeade jelly so really, what's not to love. Someone gave it to her and she chose 5 other chicks to give it to. I know it's not a Bloggie, but damn it she could have given it to like 100 people but no, only 5 and I got to be one of them. I'm so happy with my little badge I could just shit. So that's that. :)
I get to pass this on if I want. But I've been freaking out for like 20 minutes, (swear to god) about how I would go about doing it. I'm the type of person that CAN'T do this sort of thing. I do not have within me the ability to give praise to a couple of people and leave others out. I always got picked second to last in school (last if that other kid didn't show up) in gym class and I refuse to pick and choose from the bloggers that I love to read. Fuck that I'm not doin it.
I'm sorry but I CAN'T. Not even joking. How would I choose from Cruiser, Sassy, Krissie, Sparx, Ho-Kay, D. the orig. hor, The oversixty lady, and even though my BFF Jaybird only has like 3 posts on her blog how could I not choose my BF???? And what about Travis? I don't care if it makes me a bad person to not pass on the joy but I wouldn't be just passing on joy I would also be not "picking someone for the team."
Ok so I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I'm just one little blogger that doesn't really matter but damn it I could hurt like 3 peoples feelings and I won't do it.
Why was I always picked second to last? (or last if the poor retarded girl wasn't there) I was horribly "shy." At the time they didn't know about anxiety disorders so I was labeled as "oh she's so shy isn't that cute." Not so much. I was "shy" and my parents dressed me funny. God damn it mom and dad why the hell did you dress me like that?????!!!! I didn't own a pair of jeans until the 7th grade. And I didn't have skirts or dresses or khakis so really what did that leave me with? Weird clothes.
I tried my best in high school but by that time I was already ruined by my parents and I didn't have any siblings to look to. I think that's why I'm so nuts about looking nice now that I'm "grown up." Thankfully I've watched enough "What not to wear" to last a lifetime and I've learned the fine art of thrift shop shopping and watching sales at the dept. stores. Even though I buy WAY too many clothes I don't make myself go broke anymore like I did when Jaybird first intro'd me to Old Navy.
Swear to God if my Mexican manages to knock me up my baby will be in Abercrombie or what ever the fuck that shit is from the day it's born.
Ok so this wasn't my usual fare, my bad I'll be back with the funny shit tomorrow. I'm going to post about the time I went to a SEEEEEDY "toy" store. *shudder*
Monday, July 2, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
This One's For SASSY
I, went-to-the-toy-store, I, went-to-the-toyyyyyyy-store!! (sex toys, what else?)
Damn it my Mexican is working too hard. Two jobs, he gets up at 5:20 a.m. and doesn't return home until 10p.m. Add in a shower and eating after he gets home and he's goll dern tuckered out. And I'm half asleep.
Sex? Where'd you GO??? Come back. I thought we were pals.
A girl like me can't go from everyday to weekends only. SOOOOOO there's always toys. I've got my old toys but I'm a wee bit wretched over the loss of my regular good stuff so I felt the need to get some shiny new pals.
Sassy recommended the Jack Rabbit. I've heard lots and lots about the Rabbit line and wanted to check it out for me-self. (sassys link is at the bottom of this post for your ease of transition after my blog)
I drove my ass 25 miles all happy and full of anticipation, all by myself. No prob. I'm pretty open and you know comfortable with sexuality so no biggie.
Usually???
When I got there the counter helper guy was new. And he was like MY age and gay. You'd think that we would have a great time but for some ass-crazy reason I freaked out and clammed up! I had a list that I had PLANNED on walking up to the first helper I saw and saying "I want this, this and this." But when he looked me in the eyes and said "Can I help you find anything?"
Swear to god I pursed my lips and did the fast no thankyou I'm a virgin head shake. "Are you sure?" Once again, lips pursed, silent, eyes-wide head shake yes.
I couldn't believe it!! What the hell happened to me? Anyways, after I gathered up a few new friends. (jackrabbit you're mine bitch, gracias sassy!) I wandered over to the lube section. Yay!! I got some crappy stuff from walmart and was geeked to get some good stuff from the toy store. Once again the guy walked up to me and asked if he could help me. By this point I talked myself back into being brave again and asked him for the best stuff they carry.
He said he didn't know but he could recommend some popular stuff. AND THEN he asked me "Is this for sexual intercourse? Or just for personal toy use? Or both?" And he asked me with a knowing glance to my new friends. My brain went into lock-down and I stammered out , "Uh, Ub *head shake* both?"
Damn it I could almost HEAR him think, yeah right dildo girl. I couldn't take anymore so I just came out and asked if they had my favorite. (astroglide, the fucking shit beyond anything) And YAAAYYY god they did. There, done, I thought I was safe.
But fuck no we weren't done yet. Oh for the love of vagina, at the check out he asked me if I would like him to put batteries in my new friends to make sure they work before I go. Fuck. I drove like 25 miles and I didn't want to have to make a return so I said ok. He got out my new friend the Jack Rabbit, put in the batteries and turned 'im on. Holy FUCK I did not know it did all that!! I just stared in awe as he took it through the paces. (Jesus dude you didn't have to leave it on for like a full minute, GAWD) And then he tried to hand it to me while it was still running.
Huh-uh. You'd think it was a viper, I backed up a step, threw my hands up and did the head shake thing again. Fuck! What the hell? Ok next. He got out the little guy, put in the batteries turned it on and tried to hand THAT to me!! Geez dude seems like you'd get the message by now. At least this time I managed a "That's ok, *head shake*."
Done? No. Apparently if you're a super perv like me and spend over 50$ you get a free 5$ gift card. He informed me of my fortune and asked if I would like it. Well duh!? Yes! give me my free money! I went through all that!? Give. Me. My. Dildo. Gift. Card.
http://sassyblondie.blogspot.com/
Damn it my Mexican is working too hard. Two jobs, he gets up at 5:20 a.m. and doesn't return home until 10p.m. Add in a shower and eating after he gets home and he's goll dern tuckered out. And I'm half asleep.
Sex? Where'd you GO??? Come back. I thought we were pals.
A girl like me can't go from everyday to weekends only. SOOOOOO there's always toys. I've got my old toys but I'm a wee bit wretched over the loss of my regular good stuff so I felt the need to get some shiny new pals.
Sassy recommended the Jack Rabbit. I've heard lots and lots about the Rabbit line and wanted to check it out for me-self. (sassys link is at the bottom of this post for your ease of transition after my blog)
I drove my ass 25 miles all happy and full of anticipation, all by myself. No prob. I'm pretty open and you know comfortable with sexuality so no biggie.
Usually???
When I got there the counter helper guy was new. And he was like MY age and gay. You'd think that we would have a great time but for some ass-crazy reason I freaked out and clammed up! I had a list that I had PLANNED on walking up to the first helper I saw and saying "I want this, this and this." But when he looked me in the eyes and said "Can I help you find anything?"
Swear to god I pursed my lips and did the fast no thankyou I'm a virgin head shake. "Are you sure?" Once again, lips pursed, silent, eyes-wide head shake yes.
I couldn't believe it!! What the hell happened to me? Anyways, after I gathered up a few new friends. (jackrabbit you're mine bitch, gracias sassy!) I wandered over to the lube section. Yay!! I got some crappy stuff from walmart and was geeked to get some good stuff from the toy store. Once again the guy walked up to me and asked if he could help me. By this point I talked myself back into being brave again and asked him for the best stuff they carry.
He said he didn't know but he could recommend some popular stuff. AND THEN he asked me "Is this for sexual intercourse? Or just for personal toy use? Or both?" And he asked me with a knowing glance to my new friends. My brain went into lock-down and I stammered out , "Uh, Ub *head shake* both?"
Damn it I could almost HEAR him think, yeah right dildo girl. I couldn't take anymore so I just came out and asked if they had my favorite. (astroglide, the fucking shit beyond anything) And YAAAYYY god they did. There, done, I thought I was safe.
But fuck no we weren't done yet. Oh for the love of vagina, at the check out he asked me if I would like him to put batteries in my new friends to make sure they work before I go. Fuck. I drove like 25 miles and I didn't want to have to make a return so I said ok. He got out my new friend the Jack Rabbit, put in the batteries and turned 'im on. Holy FUCK I did not know it did all that!! I just stared in awe as he took it through the paces. (Jesus dude you didn't have to leave it on for like a full minute, GAWD) And then he tried to hand it to me while it was still running.
Huh-uh. You'd think it was a viper, I backed up a step, threw my hands up and did the head shake thing again. Fuck! What the hell? Ok next. He got out the little guy, put in the batteries turned it on and tried to hand THAT to me!! Geez dude seems like you'd get the message by now. At least this time I managed a "That's ok, *head shake*."
Done? No. Apparently if you're a super perv like me and spend over 50$ you get a free 5$ gift card. He informed me of my fortune and asked if I would like it. Well duh!? Yes! give me my free money! I went through all that!? Give. Me. My. Dildo. Gift. Card.
http://sassyblondie.blogspot.com/
Thursday, June 28, 2007
I started a new blog. It's just a little happy hippie thing that I'm doing for myself, but I'd feel weird if I didn't share. It's a place to go and write about the things that I love, and am thankful for. Just stuff that makes me happy and feel good.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed with all of the negativity of the world so I'm making my own little happy place. Feel free to share stuff that makes you happy too.
And then we can all go save the butterflies and hug trees together and sing kum-by-ya.
http://stufflindyloves.blogspot.com/
Sometimes I get overwhelmed with all of the negativity of the world so I'm making my own little happy place. Feel free to share stuff that makes you happy too.
And then we can all go save the butterflies and hug trees together and sing kum-by-ya.
http://stufflindyloves.blogspot.com/
Lazy Bitches
K so I finally got on our LAME work computer, the only one without a fucking web filter and did this site rating thing. I was kind of excited cuz I tend to swear a wee bit. Obviously it's a lazy system cuz it only gave me NC-17 and THIS is all it could find? Come on pal what, do you only go back like 3 posts?
Shit - 14
fart - 10
fucking - 9
ass - 8
fuck - 5
pissed -3
bitch - 2
skank - 1
Who gives a shit about fart, pissed or skank? Fart?? What?
Actually I remember having a really serious conversation with my mom when I was like 12, asking her if "Pissed" was a swear word. I honestly didn't know. She told me that yes it was a bad word. I'm sorry but I just don't consider it that bad. I think my next question to my mom was "At what age are kids allowed to swear?"
I forget what she said but I do remember it was a pretty good answer. Something about being older and mature enough to make your own decision about it. I remember I was just thinking she would just say "17." I don't know why but that was the age I figured it would be ok.
That whole conversation came about after me calling some bad-guy in a movie a "bastard." I honestly didn't know it was a bad word so my parents had to inform me.
Oh man I remember watching the "Carol Brunette Show" with them when I was little and watching a skit about Carols lost virginity. I still remember the skit and I also remember turning around on our love seat to ask my parents behind me on the couch "What's virginity?" I think they told me just to watch the show. In fact they fielded that entire question, and I forgot about it. Nice play.
The more I think about it the more I remember. Those questions and swearing incidents REALLY stick with me. I remember swimming with my parents when I was like 8 and stepping on something sharp and saying "SHIT!" I can picuture myself slowly turning to look at my Dad, who was laughing at me, plugging my nose with my fingers and slowly slipping underwater hoping I could hold my breath for say... forever.
Then later when I WAS 17 sitting in the kitchen and working myself up to say a swear word in front of them on purpose for like the first time and trying SOOOO HARD to seem nonchalant about it. I think I refereed to one of my friends as a bitch, and I don't think I sweared again in front of them for a few more years. They didn't seem to care a bit but I somehow felt that maybe 17 wasn't the magical number.
Shit - 14
fart - 10
fucking - 9
ass - 8
fuck - 5
pissed -3
bitch - 2
skank - 1
Who gives a shit about fart, pissed or skank? Fart?? What?
Actually I remember having a really serious conversation with my mom when I was like 12, asking her if "Pissed" was a swear word. I honestly didn't know. She told me that yes it was a bad word. I'm sorry but I just don't consider it that bad. I think my next question to my mom was "At what age are kids allowed to swear?"
I forget what she said but I do remember it was a pretty good answer. Something about being older and mature enough to make your own decision about it. I remember I was just thinking she would just say "17." I don't know why but that was the age I figured it would be ok.
That whole conversation came about after me calling some bad-guy in a movie a "bastard." I honestly didn't know it was a bad word so my parents had to inform me.
Oh man I remember watching the "Carol Brunette Show" with them when I was little and watching a skit about Carols lost virginity. I still remember the skit and I also remember turning around on our love seat to ask my parents behind me on the couch "What's virginity?" I think they told me just to watch the show. In fact they fielded that entire question, and I forgot about it. Nice play.
The more I think about it the more I remember. Those questions and swearing incidents REALLY stick with me. I remember swimming with my parents when I was like 8 and stepping on something sharp and saying "SHIT!" I can picuture myself slowly turning to look at my Dad, who was laughing at me, plugging my nose with my fingers and slowly slipping underwater hoping I could hold my breath for say... forever.
Then later when I WAS 17 sitting in the kitchen and working myself up to say a swear word in front of them on purpose for like the first time and trying SOOOO HARD to seem nonchalant about it. I think I refereed to one of my friends as a bitch, and I don't think I sweared again in front of them for a few more years. They didn't seem to care a bit but I somehow felt that maybe 17 wasn't the magical number.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
I want to fart a baby.
C. came and laid on the couch next to me last night all pitiful and wretched like. I asked him what was wrong and he said he had heartburn/a tummy ache.
Being the sweet and helpful gal that I am I said "Ooooooo pooooo baybeee let mamasita make ju fee better." "Maybe da baybee needs to be burped." So I started patting him on the back like a baby.
He growled at me so I figured perhaps another approach would be better and went with ooooo poo baybee maybe he needs to fart. And as helpful as I could be I started patting him on the ass. I also felt the need to inform him that why yes, just like you burp a baby by patting it's back, you have to "fart" the baby by patting it's ass. Ha ha I'm so silly, I think I'm funny, whatever.
I was just kidding around about the "farting a baby" thing, but he took me for serious and said, "Ohhh ju don' know, dat's not how ju do eeet." I assumed he meant burping the baby. But no. He proceeded to teach me that if a baby is too full and their stomach feels hard and they are crying that you have to fart them. (oh God I'm laughing right now, that's too much) He , oh lord, he said you have to put it on it's back and move it's legs around like it's running and make it fart.
AH AHAHHAHA HAH HA,, oh oh lord I'm sorry, I was crying at this point, and he was getting pissy with me for laughing.
- "Eeets not funny, dey hurt so ju have to make them do it."
"You have to "FART" the baby?"
-"Jes, eets not funny, ees it fahnny when ju have to fart?"
"Yes" (uncontrollable laughing)
-"Nooooo it's not funny if the baby hurts"
"I, I, oh I know but you asked if it's funny when I fart, and that IS funny. You laugh all the time!"
-"But da baby is deeferent."
"Farting the baby is different?"
-"Jes"
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (for about a minute)"
-"Hissssssssssssssssssssssssss" (that would be him hissing at me, which makes me laugh more)
I know JACK about babies, I don't know if you actually have to fart them. If it's true? Well that will be one more bargaining chip on his table for his pro-let's-have-a-baby movement. But only if I get to do the farting. OH HO ho haha hhaha. Farting..... snort. ha.ha....baby. Oh lord.
Being the sweet and helpful gal that I am I said "Ooooooo pooooo baybeee let mamasita make ju fee better." "Maybe da baybee needs to be burped." So I started patting him on the back like a baby.
He growled at me so I figured perhaps another approach would be better and went with ooooo poo baybee maybe he needs to fart. And as helpful as I could be I started patting him on the ass. I also felt the need to inform him that why yes, just like you burp a baby by patting it's back, you have to "fart" the baby by patting it's ass. Ha ha I'm so silly, I think I'm funny, whatever.
I was just kidding around about the "farting a baby" thing, but he took me for serious and said, "Ohhh ju don' know, dat's not how ju do eeet." I assumed he meant burping the baby. But no. He proceeded to teach me that if a baby is too full and their stomach feels hard and they are crying that you have to fart them. (oh God I'm laughing right now, that's too much) He , oh lord, he said you have to put it on it's back and move it's legs around like it's running and make it fart.
AH AHAHHAHA HAH HA,, oh oh lord I'm sorry, I was crying at this point, and he was getting pissy with me for laughing.
- "Eeets not funny, dey hurt so ju have to make them do it."
"You have to "FART" the baby?"
-"Jes, eets not funny, ees it fahnny when ju have to fart?"
"Yes" (uncontrollable laughing)
-"Nooooo it's not funny if the baby hurts"
"I, I, oh I know but you asked if it's funny when I fart, and that IS funny. You laugh all the time!"
-"But da baby is deeferent."
"Farting the baby is different?"
-"Jes"
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (for about a minute)"
-"Hissssssssssssssssssssssssss" (that would be him hissing at me, which makes me laugh more)
I know JACK about babies, I don't know if you actually have to fart them. If it's true? Well that will be one more bargaining chip on his table for his pro-let's-have-a-baby movement. But only if I get to do the farting. OH HO ho haha hhaha. Farting..... snort. ha.ha....baby. Oh lord.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Boys are so EASY
OOooo he'd be so pissy if he knew I called him a boy. Silly. And yeah he IS easy, but that's not what I'm talking bout today.
*Disclaimer* No offense to men or women I'm sure we are all capable of doing this and in some cases the rolls may even be reversed but this is my story and my mexican. *The end*
We're talking grilling. Ole mexi-ee-doo felt lazy yestaday but mamasita wanted somepin ga-reeeeeiild. I told him hey, no prob. I'll do it myself darrrrling you just watch t.v. Hahahahaahahahhahha. Worked like a charm. Follow me.
He had pants on and was out the door (why yes he was nekkid, that's how I like 'im) and was just "hanging out" before I could even fetch the lighter fluid. I told him to go back inside and that I had it covered but he insisted that he just felt like being outside for a bit. (hahahahahh right pal.)
Anyways I've never actually done the whole stacking and lighting of coal before so he hung out by the street leaning against a car and pretended not to watch me like the cave-man hawk that he was. I did my thang, it's not so hard really and went inside to prep the meat.
And that was it. He was on that grill like rosie on ellen with a snack cake. I didn't even have to SEE it I just knew. I could feel his man-stinct kick in. "OO oo Rrahah oo" "Must control da fire, oo ooO rahh, woman no touch fire." When I was done with the meat I went out to "check" the coals and laid on my best ladylike bell action with "hey sweeeetie, that's ok you don't have to be tendin the fire, I know you're tired, I can do it."
Response? "Oh no, that's ok I'm not tired anymore. You did the meat, I can cook." *big smile that said "I love you" and a subtle "back away from the fire, Ooo!"*
And that was that. I bluffed and he folded. Lucky for me if he didn't fold I'm not a retard and was holding a full house anyways. For gods sake I can cook some meat on some heat, I was just feeling lazy.
*Disclaimer* No offense to men or women I'm sure we are all capable of doing this and in some cases the rolls may even be reversed but this is my story and my mexican. *The end*
We're talking grilling. Ole mexi-ee-doo felt lazy yestaday but mamasita wanted somepin ga-reeeeeiild. I told him hey, no prob. I'll do it myself darrrrling you just watch t.v. Hahahahaahahahhahha. Worked like a charm. Follow me.
He had pants on and was out the door (why yes he was nekkid, that's how I like 'im) and was just "hanging out" before I could even fetch the lighter fluid. I told him to go back inside and that I had it covered but he insisted that he just felt like being outside for a bit. (hahahahahh right pal.)
Anyways I've never actually done the whole stacking and lighting of coal before so he hung out by the street leaning against a car and pretended not to watch me like the cave-man hawk that he was. I did my thang, it's not so hard really and went inside to prep the meat.
And that was it. He was on that grill like rosie on ellen with a snack cake. I didn't even have to SEE it I just knew. I could feel his man-stinct kick in. "OO oo Rrahah oo" "Must control da fire, oo ooO rahh, woman no touch fire." When I was done with the meat I went out to "check" the coals and laid on my best ladylike bell action with "hey sweeeetie, that's ok you don't have to be tendin the fire, I know you're tired, I can do it."
Response? "Oh no, that's ok I'm not tired anymore. You did the meat, I can cook." *big smile that said "I love you" and a subtle "back away from the fire, Ooo!"*
And that was that. I bluffed and he folded. Lucky for me if he didn't fold I'm not a retard and was holding a full house anyways. For gods sake I can cook some meat on some heat, I was just feeling lazy.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Note To Self A-FUCKING-GAIN, dummy.
Note To Self: (#3)
Remember this really short note to yourself? Like just a few months ago? NO? Why don't you read it again and maybe try to absorb this time.
http://lindystars.blogspot.com/2007/02/note-to-self.html
OHHHHhhhhh yeah that one. Right. Oh.
Fuck. Did it again didn't ya? He STILL tries to work that one in the circuit from time to time.
And now you've added another? ANOTHER??? Shit! And pretended to like it? You idiot don't you remember that you're experienced enough, old enough (well don't we sound like the hor we are?) and know damn well better than to FAKE??? When did that tid bit slip your mind?
FUCK shit damn. That's two, TWO crappy positions that do NOTHING for you and you've just let em slip right in. (hahahahah that's a pun right?)
And now you can't set him strait cuz it'll throw his ass into Oh-my-God-my-manliness-has-been-insulted/put down/ruined/-and-I'll never be the same because now I know I'm not perfect and what will I do this is the end of the world as I know it I'll probably just be limp from now on - mode.
Good fucking job sherlock. Mr. Jumping bean is gonna be all over this one. You better figure something out. Something even MORE cool that actually works. You better to to the toy store.
Fuck.
Remember this really short note to yourself? Like just a few months ago? NO? Why don't you read it again and maybe try to absorb this time.
http://lindystars.blogspot.com/2007/02/note-to-self.html
OHHHHhhhhh yeah that one. Right. Oh.
Fuck. Did it again didn't ya? He STILL tries to work that one in the circuit from time to time.
And now you've added another? ANOTHER??? Shit! And pretended to like it? You idiot don't you remember that you're experienced enough, old enough (well don't we sound like the hor we are?) and know damn well better than to FAKE??? When did that tid bit slip your mind?
FUCK shit damn. That's two, TWO crappy positions that do NOTHING for you and you've just let em slip right in. (hahahahah that's a pun right?)
And now you can't set him strait cuz it'll throw his ass into Oh-my-God-my-manliness-has-been-insulted/put down/ruined/-and-I'll never be the same because now I know I'm not perfect and what will I do this is the end of the world as I know it I'll probably just be limp from now on - mode.
Good fucking job sherlock. Mr. Jumping bean is gonna be all over this one. You better figure something out. Something even MORE cool that actually works. You better to to the toy store.
Fuck.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Hey Body, Hi, just sayin Hi.
Hello? Hi. It's me, it's yourself. How are you? Right, right, I know I'm sorry ok? Oh, ok ok calm down I didn't mean to be sarcastic, breathe, my bad, let's be peaceful. Let's be peaceful and discuss this ok?
Remember the good times? You know like last summer and fall when we were running a couple miles a day and eating real healthy? Waaaiitt wait wait, yes I know it kind of sucked. I know you hated me for making you sweat in 85% piss shit weather, I know I hated it to. But remember what happened ?? Remember how we lost 70 pounds? Wasn't that great? Come aawwwwnn remember buying those jeans that were so skinny you weren't even ashamed to hold them up in front of people at the ghetto wash to fold them correctly? You know instead of kind of trying to shield them from people seeing their massive width like before??
Well. Here's the thing. I've been a bastard. AAH! Ok yes I know, I know god you'd think you'd be a bit nicer about it at LEAST I'm admitting it ok? Gaarsh! Geez, calm down. Ok so you're pissed at me I get it. I decided to eat tater tots and chips and ice cream. And maybe some snack cakes. Ok a LOT of chips. I love chips.
And maybe I got hooked up with a Mexican that taught me how to cook like a real Mexican and Mexican just happens to be my favorite food. And this whole I can cook like we would get in the Mexi-raunt hasn't really worked out to well for us.
Let's access the damage. Yes. No more happy jeans, we've, ok I've gained us back like 15-18 or 19 lbs. Whoops? But HEY!! don't turn away! We've lost 3 of it again! 3. Ah shit, 3 that we've now paid the price for twice. Jesus it's like going to a store, buying something and then when you go and return it you have to pay for it again. I'm cheap and I HATE standing in that GOD be Damned walmart customer service line for like a fucking hour just to return some stupid ass shit that doesn't fucking work. REALLY hate that!
But listen, on Monday I spent an hour doing equations and working the math and figuring up potions and plans. And look! We've lost 3 lbs. 1 1/2 of which I'm sure is water weight so don't get too excited about that but hey it still looks good in the numbers right? Right? COOOME on, you know you feel better after exercising last night. What? Your sore? Oh silly, remember that in pretend land that sore=feel good? And in pretend land the fact that you feel like you're jesus christ starving even though you're getting plenty of calories for your weight and exercise level? (well I guess not Jesus cuz he would at least give us some SHIT FUCKING bread and fish.!!!)
Buy heeeey we can have fish right? See not so bad after all. Yes ok so I know 4 shitty ounces is kind of like NOTHING FUCKING AT all, but that's ok. Remember the skinny pants? Yes darling remember the skinny pants and try your best to stay in pretend land.
AND try your best to stay away from that spic when his ass is eating. My god that skinny bastard can down a half a cow, a bushel of fucking corn tortillas and a half gallon of coke!! All he has to do is smile shrug his shoulders and say 3 times, "I don't get it, I WISH I could gain weight." Sorry that magic spell only works for people like him. You know the Evil people. It's an Evil spell really, you know the whole "I have a great metabolism thing." Well buck up darling you're not evil at all. In fact you have NO shit-be-damned metabolism at all it seems. See? You like pure... and shit.
Ok!! So that's the game plan. Back on track!! You with me?!?!?! Hey!!! Fucker!? Come back here, HEY!!!! I was fucking talking to you. Well - at least I'm running. Ha. Bitch.
Remember the good times? You know like last summer and fall when we were running a couple miles a day and eating real healthy? Waaaiitt wait wait, yes I know it kind of sucked. I know you hated me for making you sweat in 85% piss shit weather, I know I hated it to. But remember what happened ?? Remember how we lost 70 pounds? Wasn't that great? Come aawwwwnn remember buying those jeans that were so skinny you weren't even ashamed to hold them up in front of people at the ghetto wash to fold them correctly? You know instead of kind of trying to shield them from people seeing their massive width like before??
Well. Here's the thing. I've been a bastard. AAH! Ok yes I know, I know god you'd think you'd be a bit nicer about it at LEAST I'm admitting it ok? Gaarsh! Geez, calm down. Ok so you're pissed at me I get it. I decided to eat tater tots and chips and ice cream. And maybe some snack cakes. Ok a LOT of chips. I love chips.
And maybe I got hooked up with a Mexican that taught me how to cook like a real Mexican and Mexican just happens to be my favorite food. And this whole I can cook like we would get in the Mexi-raunt hasn't really worked out to well for us.
Let's access the damage. Yes. No more happy jeans, we've, ok I've gained us back like 15-18 or 19 lbs. Whoops? But HEY!! don't turn away! We've lost 3 of it again! 3. Ah shit, 3 that we've now paid the price for twice. Jesus it's like going to a store, buying something and then when you go and return it you have to pay for it again. I'm cheap and I HATE standing in that GOD be Damned walmart customer service line for like a fucking hour just to return some stupid ass shit that doesn't fucking work. REALLY hate that!
But listen, on Monday I spent an hour doing equations and working the math and figuring up potions and plans. And look! We've lost 3 lbs. 1 1/2 of which I'm sure is water weight so don't get too excited about that but hey it still looks good in the numbers right? Right? COOOME on, you know you feel better after exercising last night. What? Your sore? Oh silly, remember that in pretend land that sore=feel good? And in pretend land the fact that you feel like you're jesus christ starving even though you're getting plenty of calories for your weight and exercise level? (well I guess not Jesus cuz he would at least give us some SHIT FUCKING bread and fish.!!!)
Buy heeeey we can have fish right? See not so bad after all. Yes ok so I know 4 shitty ounces is kind of like NOTHING FUCKING AT all, but that's ok. Remember the skinny pants? Yes darling remember the skinny pants and try your best to stay in pretend land.
AND try your best to stay away from that spic when his ass is eating. My god that skinny bastard can down a half a cow, a bushel of fucking corn tortillas and a half gallon of coke!! All he has to do is smile shrug his shoulders and say 3 times, "I don't get it, I WISH I could gain weight." Sorry that magic spell only works for people like him. You know the Evil people. It's an Evil spell really, you know the whole "I have a great metabolism thing." Well buck up darling you're not evil at all. In fact you have NO shit-be-damned metabolism at all it seems. See? You like pure... and shit.
Ok!! So that's the game plan. Back on track!! You with me?!?!?! Hey!!! Fucker!? Come back here, HEY!!!! I was fucking talking to you. Well - at least I'm running. Ha. Bitch.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
I'm a dipshit
I'm a bit writers blocky right now so here's a tidbit that happened to me at work that sort of affirms the whole I-am-a-super-dork-clutz thing. When all else fails I guess I can write about being stupid.
While at work Saturday I was being a smidge (fuckinglot) lazy and instead of getting up OUT of my little chair with wheels (to get a stapler farther down on my counter) I decided to lean for it. I leaned as far as my short ass arm would go, got my body into the lean and WHA? WHAM!! Crash bang boom. I guess you can only lean so far in Mr. Chair with wheels cuz it has a balance point or something. Anyways the bitch went over so fast I had no time to apply my natural grace and agility. Why yes grace, I obtain I believe 20 % of what the average person has so, well.. guess it wouldn't have helped anyways.
Fucking clutz ass gene pool. BTW if you're a compete fucking Clum try and not breed with another of your kind cuz it sux to be the offspring. K?
Anyways I ended up tipping over, knocking over my garbage and taking my big ass desk phone down with me in one lovely skerblam. AND managed to instantly abrade and bruise the shit out of my arm. Currently I posses a 5 inch dia. circle of purple loveliness for all to see. Yeah and I have a picture of a mexican on my desk so all of our customers assume he beats me and I get pity looks when they inquire what happened and I say "I fell out of my chair."
Really? How lame DOES that sound?
While at work Saturday I was being a smidge (fuckinglot) lazy and instead of getting up OUT of my little chair with wheels (to get a stapler farther down on my counter) I decided to lean for it. I leaned as far as my short ass arm would go, got my body into the lean and WHA? WHAM!! Crash bang boom. I guess you can only lean so far in Mr. Chair with wheels cuz it has a balance point or something. Anyways the bitch went over so fast I had no time to apply my natural grace and agility. Why yes grace, I obtain I believe 20 % of what the average person has so, well.. guess it wouldn't have helped anyways.
Fucking clutz ass gene pool. BTW if you're a compete fucking Clum try and not breed with another of your kind cuz it sux to be the offspring. K?
Anyways I ended up tipping over, knocking over my garbage and taking my big ass desk phone down with me in one lovely skerblam. AND managed to instantly abrade and bruise the shit out of my arm. Currently I posses a 5 inch dia. circle of purple loveliness for all to see. Yeah and I have a picture of a mexican on my desk so all of our customers assume he beats me and I get pity looks when they inquire what happened and I say "I fell out of my chair."
Really? How lame DOES that sound?
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Ditto
That was the name of my pet cockatiel when I was a kid. Early 90's?? Anyways, just the name "Ditto" ia a sign of those times right?
When we first got him I was of an age before boycraze and therefore he received a lot of my attention. Later on when boys became my #1 focus I lost interest and he went insane, but I'll save that for later.
He was the coolest. He would say his name of course, but also he would pick up on the things most repeated in our household. Like, "Where'd Dad go?," and my favorite "Not!" Remember when everybody ran around saying shit and then saying "not!" afterwards and it was like so funny? (ok if you were 12)
Oh man the greatest was when my Dad taught him the "wolf whistle." You know the one that guys whistle to chicks if they think they're hot and the chicks give the guys a dirty look? (or the one I do in public when there's a lot of chicks and a couple dudes and I do it just to fuck with them all?)
AN-Y-WAYS My mom walked past his cage one day and he did the hey you're sexy whistle and immediately followed it with "Not!" It was awesome and after that he ALWAYS did it that way. Little bastard, it still makes me laugh.
When we spent a LOT of time together I think he thought I was his girlfriend. *Disclaimer* I was young enough not to know what he was doing but old enough to have an idea that this was wrong. -Sometimes when he would sit on my hand he would grind his little butt into my hand and wave his tail back and forth. I thought he was just being silly but after a few times and noticing that he left some liquid on my hand when he was finished I had to go and ask my mom
"Mom, do boy birds come in heat like a girl dog?" My mom asked why and I never told her. It kind of dawned on me -sort of- and after that I tried to not let him do it anymore. But if I tried to stop him he would BITE me! And squawk at me and just keep on going.
Moving on. Ahem. We taught him how to whistle the "Oh my darling" song. He did great with it for like a year and then one day just up and got tired of it. He would do the first bar and then just start of improvising. My Dad would go over to him and start doing it the right way and the bird would fuckin blitz. I believe he thought he was an artist and GOD Dammit he was making his own version. Bless my Dad he would just keep correcting him and the bird would get pissed as hell every time.
After a few years I DID go boycrazy and my Dad kind of took over giving Ditto attention. When I WOULD try and see him he would flip out. All I had to do was walk in the room and he would start screaming and flapping and would bite me if I tried to get him.
At the time I deemed him schizophrenic but now I think maybe he was just a monogamous bisexual kind of guy. Or maybe he was like a really scorned lover and hated my guts for dumping him, I'll just never know.
When we first got him I was of an age before boycraze and therefore he received a lot of my attention. Later on when boys became my #1 focus I lost interest and he went insane, but I'll save that for later.
He was the coolest. He would say his name of course, but also he would pick up on the things most repeated in our household. Like, "Where'd Dad go?," and my favorite "Not!" Remember when everybody ran around saying shit and then saying "not!" afterwards and it was like so funny? (ok if you were 12)
Oh man the greatest was when my Dad taught him the "wolf whistle." You know the one that guys whistle to chicks if they think they're hot and the chicks give the guys a dirty look? (or the one I do in public when there's a lot of chicks and a couple dudes and I do it just to fuck with them all?)
AN-Y-WAYS My mom walked past his cage one day and he did the hey you're sexy whistle and immediately followed it with "Not!" It was awesome and after that he ALWAYS did it that way. Little bastard, it still makes me laugh.
When we spent a LOT of time together I think he thought I was his girlfriend. *Disclaimer* I was young enough not to know what he was doing but old enough to have an idea that this was wrong. -Sometimes when he would sit on my hand he would grind his little butt into my hand and wave his tail back and forth. I thought he was just being silly but after a few times and noticing that he left some liquid on my hand when he was finished I had to go and ask my mom
"Mom, do boy birds come in heat like a girl dog?" My mom asked why and I never told her. It kind of dawned on me -sort of- and after that I tried to not let him do it anymore. But if I tried to stop him he would BITE me! And squawk at me and just keep on going.
Moving on. Ahem. We taught him how to whistle the "Oh my darling" song. He did great with it for like a year and then one day just up and got tired of it. He would do the first bar and then just start of improvising. My Dad would go over to him and start doing it the right way and the bird would fuckin blitz. I believe he thought he was an artist and GOD Dammit he was making his own version. Bless my Dad he would just keep correcting him and the bird would get pissed as hell every time.
After a few years I DID go boycrazy and my Dad kind of took over giving Ditto attention. When I WOULD try and see him he would flip out. All I had to do was walk in the room and he would start screaming and flapping and would bite me if I tried to get him.
At the time I deemed him schizophrenic but now I think maybe he was just a monogamous bisexual kind of guy. Or maybe he was like a really scorned lover and hated my guts for dumping him, I'll just never know.
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