Ghetto Sex VS. Hillbilly Sex

I've lived in the Ghetto for almost a year now and I've come to some conclusions about the similarities between Ghetto living and Hillbilly living. I thought it would be a whole new world filled with all sorts of different people and scary things, but really when I stop and think about it, we're the same people - just with a different twist. And Ghetto people? Well they're just as scared of Hillbillies as Hillbillies are of them.

For Example: Guns.
When I moved here I thought "Oh dear there will be GUNS and shootings and I might "get caught in the crossfire!" But honestly do you know any self respecting Hillbilly without a (4) gun? I'm not afraid of getting caught in the crossfire while I'm out running anymore, but you sure as hell won't see me out in Hillbilly country wearing anything LESS than an orange hat, vest, and perhaps a giant sign that says "I AM NOT A DEER, DON'T SHOOT!!"

Every year we hear lot's of terrible stories of folks accidentally shooting each other out hunting. Folks who own horses around here even have special orange blankets for them to wear. OR you can always do like my neighbor back home and SPRAY paint "HORSE" on both sides of your horse. He always uses white paint tho, seems like he should use orange just to be safe.

Yeah I know it's not the SAME kind of killing but hey if I'm shot, I'm shot people.

OOOO!! And Drugs! This one makes me laugh, :) I was worried about lots of drug dealers and scary people in the city but do you know where the drug dealers get their drugs FROM?? Ask yourself can they REALLY grow a 50lbs of pot in their apartment? Hell no, they get it from the "Hippie Hillbilly" that lives in the country and grows a field of the shit. The hippie lives off the land with his garden and does his yoga and tokes up the fruits of his labor every day. He'll share it with his family and good friends around hillbillyville and sell it to the friendly neighbors down the road and everybody just thinks he's or they are just "that nice older couple."

But not even a super-toker hillbilly and all of his friends can smoke up a whole field of pot, and THAT's where they make their cash. Not as much as you'd think tho, they sell it pretty cheap. It's when the same baggie has been cut down from the original buyer of 10lbs to his smaller buyers (gotta make HIS profit too) and on and on and on from buyer to buyer until a single joint costs as much as the original hippie hillbillies cost per pound.

And don't we always hear about meth-labs being made out in the middle of nowhere? I used to LIVE in the middle of nowhere!

Stray Cats are "Barn Cats" in the country and "Alley cats" in the city.

A daddy in the country stays awake out on the porch for his daughters boyfriend to bring her home, and a daddy in the city waits up out on the stoop.

Janice in the city is pimped out by her neighbor pimp but Glenda in the country can pimp her damn-self out at the honky-tonk.


Ok so I don't know where I'm really going with this. It is what it is folks and we are what we are wherever we may live. (cliche much?) :) Ah well, I'm out. I'm off to Chicago for the next 3 days and I'm not scared one bit. I'm a hybrid ghetto-princess-hillbilly-tom-boy and I think I'll be fine where ever it is that I end up.

Taking A Shower Together

Does anybody else think taking a shower with your mate is only KIND of cool? It always sounded awesome when I was younger (and inexperienced.) Honestly though I've never been able to get it into that "awesome" category. Let's review.

Kissing - We always want to kiss each other in the shower - really only for foreplay's sake - but it always kind of sucks. Why? Soap and Snot. If one persons hair is lathered up then soap is gonna be running down every ones face burning eyes and tasting horrid. And then snot. Water running off another persons face when you're kissing reminds me of snot. And then I get afraid that it IS his nose running, or that MY nose is running and I just don't know it. I'm really afraid of mucus.

MMMMmmmmm a good part - the soaping up and getting all slippery with each other. :) I love it when both folks get all soapy and then slip and slide all over each other - how fun is that? BUUUUTTTT it seems like whenever both people get all slippery and slidey and yummy that a certain person *ahem* feels that all of a sudden that the OTHER persons body is free range. Oh never mind with the code-talking, the guy all of a sudden thinks it's cool to put his hand in the girls butt-crack. THERE I said it. I KNOW it's the shower and soap is flowing around but I just feel weird with a hand all up in my shitter. Does that happen to anybody else? I try doing it back (with his PERSONAL loofah) to make him see "how it feels." Does it deter him? AHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAA. no.

Ok and the sex. I'm guessing that anybody this side of the universe knows that when you try and get it on in the shower that the lady-flowers all important slippery nectar's get washed away. Squeeky Clean is wonderful for out-of-bed-lip-service-foreplay but so very much NOT wonderful for getting it on. If the Va-jay-jay's squeaky there'll be no freaky.

So what does any self respecting slicked up horny man do with a squeeky va-jay-jay and a girl that is grossed out by possible snoty kissing? WHY OF COURSE he starts a POKE-IN round with Mr. Boner once again in places that it doesn't belong! Ahhhhh! Leave. My. Ass. Alone!
(yeah that's especially dangerous if I bend over to give my legs a quick shave - yowza)

Last but not least there is of course always one person standing off to the back that doesn't have any warm water spraying on them and is starting to freeze. Lovely.

Ya know, I think I'd LIKE taking a shower with my man if we could leave the sex stuff out. You know like turn it into a sensual let's-wash-each-others-backs -and fronts! hee hee! Sort of thing - and just show love and caring and stuff. Wouldn't that be nice? Maybe I can talk him into it with the promise of getting some AFTER the shower and explaining that the shower will be sensual-I-Love-You-but-don't-want-to-screw-you-YET time.

Anybody? What do you do in these situations? Do you have the same problems? Any solutions?

It's Not My Fault I'm a Hor at Heart

I ripped this off from Krissie who ripped it off from Belle (both in the blogroll cuz they're kool kidz) but only because it is just so perfect! Take a look at the first line.



AHAHAHAHAHAHAAH Promiscuous One!! HAHAHAHAHAH SO THERE!! It's not my fault, it's because of my birthdate. SO! If you're looking for an "easy" girl just make sure she's a Sagi, be kind to her, tell her she's pretty and BAM!! You're in.

As for the rest of the stuff in the list? Well of COURSE every single one is true. Actually it's quite spot-on, and yeah, I guess they're meant to be that way, but it's still nice to read.

OKEE-DOKE!! I'll be back in a bit with something more substantial but I just couldn't pass this up.

Thankful Hor

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!!!!!!!

Things I'm Thankful For:

Astroglide
Vibrators
Dildos
Men (especially C.)
Cocks
Orgasms
Pie
Computers
Really Cool Blog Pals
Post-it-notes
Christmas Music
Shoes
Hooker boots
Books
Erotica
Having a (getto bastard sonofabitch) car
A roof over my head to get it on
Getting it on in random apple orchards
Daffodils
Potatoes
Testosterone
My ass
The ability to smack an ass
The fact that I'm not paralyzed and I can feel my ass being smacked
Cranberries
Beef Jerky
My Dad
My Mom
The fact that My mom and my Father got-it-on 25 yrs ago
Condoms
Chocolate
The Phrase "Uncle Fucker"
The Phrase "Big Floppy Donkey Dick"
My BFF Jaybird
Klonopin
Highlighters
Those markers that we had when I was a kid that smelled like fruit
My digi camera
My guitar
My violin
My hidden stash of dildos and the fact that it IS hidden
Batteries
My job
Lingerie
Sales
Thrift Stores
Lipgloss
Edible Body Sparkles
Mascara
Hooker Lashes
Toe Socks

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!!

AFRO-DEE-ZEE-ACKS

I call shenanigans. Well I guess that is unless my Blog-Pals give me some Afro-advice and swear it's true, cuz if a blogger swears then by gall it's true.

Aphrodite, the love goddess was said to consider "sparrows" sacred because of their "amorous nature" COOL! Geez grampa never mind fighting medicare for that boner just take your pellet gun out back and get your moneys worth out of all that damn bird seed you've been throwing on the ground! Kick ass.

C. seems to think that shrimp make a man's pole stronger and enable him to go all night long. I tried to explain to him that he's able to imitate a bunny rabbit by merely breathing AIR. I'm not one to complain but this guy isn't going to need Viagra later in life. Hell I imagine whoever gets his donated blood ends up with a boner right on the operating table.

Also on the Mexican front - Coriander (cilantro seed)
is supposed to raise the flag. Seems how I am an official member of I Hate Cilantro.Com I'm not going to be able to give you any unbiased info. ALTHOUGH maybe that explains why Mexicans have so many dang kids. BLECH WWHYYYYY do they love that shit so much? ACK.

Raw Oysters? Gosh I don't know about you all but for me, having my gag reflex kick in and the resulting PUKE just aren't that much of a turn on. Plus there's that whole worry of food poisoning. If I managed to get one down I'd end up sitting next to the phone with Poison Controls phone number in one hand and charcoal in the other. No dice.

Garlic? Gee nothing like Dego-breath to get me reved up. Bring on that noodle baby doll! ALDENTE!! (in my defense my BF is part wop so that's why I can use this slur, just like how my fiance is Mexican so I can call him a beaner any time I want)

Last on the list that I read this morning was wine. Hmmmmm. . . well golly-fuckin-gee that's something I would have NEVER figured. Thank You Internets, really. Hey DYCK what do YOU use to get chicks fired up enough to drop the restraining order and have a go with you? (BESIDES the date-rape drug, geez Dyck this is almost a family site now-days)

Anybody else?

No Animals Were Harmed In The Making Of This Post

I'm BACK!! :) 4 days of hunting fun!! Let me break it down for you.


Day 1 - 8 hours in the wilds - saw a squirrel.
Day 2 - 7 hours in the wilds - finished book started the day before - Lost small amount of hope
Day 3 - 4 hours in the wilds - came to the conclusion that I'm a jinx - Gave up, read book.
Day 4 - 0 hours in the wilds - Slept in, finished second book. Went home.

TA-DAHHHHHH!!!!!

Screw you and your porcupine too Bambie. Ahhh 4 friggin days and all I got was a sore ass! FROM SITTING Dyck, sitting, how sad,
I know.

Aw crap and since I was staying in the same camper as my DAD it's not like I could exactly have any "fun time" by myself. So yes 4 whole days without internet (wasn't that bad, had books) AND 4 days with NO SEXUAL ANYTHING. Wow, can we say frustrated? A tad? SMIDGE??? I would have considered running out into the woods and jilling off but there was that whole I'd-probably-get-shot-thing going on. Hunter dudes are a serious bunch, even if they SAW me jilling off and realized I wasn't a deer they might take a pot-shot anyways just to get me out of their deer area.

Of course Deer Camp means PORN for a lot of guys so at least THEY get some something. (oh dad thank-you for not watching or not trying to watch porn with me, cuz damn)

I'm gonna go home and get it on, I'll report back tomorrow with something worth-while and hopefully more (sex) interesting. HOR - OUT.

I'm Goin Male Hunting!!

I'm leaving today to drive far north into the wilderness to be with my Dad and some family friends of whom all (including myself (i think)) all have intentions of finding eligible males.
I'm leaving behind poor C. for 4 whole days (ok unless I cave and can't stand it and come home early) with nothing but a kiss goodbye and some homemade pies. Hey I figure if I'm leavin his ass I can at least bake somethin for 'im. He'll be drowning in pumpkin by 7p.m.

Last night I over-packed like a trooper and I'm goin home to over-pack some more. It's so hard to gauge what to wear! Gawd I had to dig out all of my male-trolling cloths out of the back of my closet but it was worth it, I found my best hat.

Thank Goodness I called my mom last night, I almost forgot my hand warmers and seat cushion! Dad's leaving her behind but I guess she's ok with it, so that's cool. I'll be picking up my gun from their house on the drive up and I'll be all SET!! Bring it on boys, come to mama!

SOOOooooo anybody else going hunting? HHHmmmm? Opening day is tomorrow and I'm gonna be there dark and early, set up out in the freezing cold, sitting on a crate (with seat cushion!) holding my gun and hoping for the best.

Grand times ahead. No t.v. no computer, no Internet, running water, shower, real toilet, weeeeellllll aren't we just getting the picture NOW???? AHHHHHHHHHHHH The picture is that I love my Dad to pieces and it's a dream come true for him to have his daughter sitting out in the woods from dark to dark in hopes of shooting a male. Oh. Ok. I'm sorry you guys but I'm gonna have to just give up the ruse and type it. My Dad wants me to shoot a deer. Ok? Ok.

My mom is thrilled that I'll be spending 10 hours a day in the middle of the woods on a crate being ONE with nature and finding my center and stuff. Ok so last year maybe I fell asleep for the first 3 hours but HEY! I was still and quiet, just like they told me to be. Last year I was only up for a day and a half so I didn't get truly immersed in the day in day out schedule but THIS year, FOUR DAYS. Omygosh.

Did I happen to mention overpacking? That would be me trying to horde everything possible into my car that I might need on a four day trip to the woods to keep me from going bonkers.
No less than 10 books in 6 different genre (I never KNOW what I'll want to read till I start) my guitar, all my C.D.'s, Sudoku, Crosswords, nail polish, face masks, and quite possibly even though I'm trying hard NOT to, all four of my electronic hand held games. Tetris my love do you think you'll be able to be quite long enough for me to kill a deer? Hmmmm????

OKAY, Okay, so I DO like going up there, I really do. I love to go fishing and canoeing and walking in our woods to see the beaver damn and making smores over the camp fire. MMMMMmmmm and taking my quad runner up to the trails and riding Alllll day. :) Oh just yummy! But this time of year? Gun Season? That stuff is OV-ER. The only business you have in the woods this time of year is if you're dressed in day-glo-orange and you've got a gun in your hand. So. Sitting in the woods, alone. I'd LIKE to say that I'm like my mom and I get all connected and have an overwhelming urge to sing out loud to mother nature or that I'm like my Dad and live for the thrill of the hunt but I can't.

I like the fun stuff! Shame on me for getting bored I know, but if I don't see a group of deer out there start a spontaneous deer-orgi and get to take pictures of two dude deers goin at it - and then hear them realize that they're not gay and be all like "Hey sorry dude, I just got caught up in the moment and stuff." and the other deer be all like "'S'all right bro, no harm done, and HEY! congrats on the monster wood, that's badass dude!" Theeeeennnnnn I'm just gonna be bored.

At least this year I'm bringing carrots and sugar and stuff so maybe at least I'll get to see a couple of squirrels. I wonder if I laced the sugar with something if the squirrels would start an orgi? We'll see. Anyways forgive me but I'm OFF to the wilderness and'll be back bright 'N' early monday morning. Hopefully with deer/squirrel/porcupine orgi pics. We'll see.

Dildos Don't Hide

I just don't know what it is about 'em but the damn things prefer to be in the spotlight. Maybe they're kinda vain. I guess if you think about it a lot of them ARE made to be pretty aesthetically pleasing. I've seen em with flowers and neon colors and embellished with every sort of cute little creature you could ever want to. . . well no. - Shit WHY DID they start making dildos into the "Rabbit," "Dolphin," "Butterfly," "Cheetah" and the like?

Has anybody THOUGHT about this? Just what the HELL? I've kind of always wanted to SWIM with a dolphin and I've been known to eat a rabbit or two in my hillbilly life but never have I thought "Hey, I'd like a CHEETAH to give me a blow job. Yeah and then maybe I'll see if I can't talk a butterfly into fucking me."

Tell you the truth I'm scared of butterflies. I don't give a flying squirrel shit if they have pretty wings people - they. are. a. BUG. Bugs creep me freak me out and I don't want em touchin me. NO I do NOT think it's cute to have a butterfly land on my arm or my hand because insects have one track minds -eat to reproduce- and I don't want no bug mistaking my sweet arm for nectar, (or if I'm exercising) a salt lick, so whatever - stay OFF.

Right. Where were we? Ah yes, dildos. Today is "Share your embarrassing sex toy story day," and I'm gonna start us off.

True story. Back when I first kinda half assed moved out of my parents house I pretty much left all my stuff in my room as is and came home every few days to do laundry and get different clothes, toiletries, what have you. I wasn't officially out, just kinda not there much. AND since I was getting some strange pretty regular with that boyfriend of mine I didn't feel the need to take my toy with me. Okay and yeah this was back in the day before I was comfy telling a boy about my toys. SOOO Mr. Good Vibe stayed in my room back at home in his official hiding place. - In between my mattress and the wall. - STEALTHY!

But dag gummit wouldn't you know that being gone so much left me out of the loop as far as family gatherings went AND apparently was quite the opening for my parents to have over-night guests stay with them since they had an extra room and all? Huh. Who knew.

RIiiggghhhhhttt I'm sure you see where this is going, you seem to be smart folks. Unfortunately the first guests to stay would be my very own older BROTHER and his wife. My bed was one of them twin deals - i.e. no room for more than 1 and a 1/2 people - so the chances of one of them not ending up with an arm between the mattress and the wall at some point were kind of nill. Oh yeah and my mom gave them new sheets to put on the bed (which...would require TUCKING THEM IN!)

They had already been and gone by the time I came home for my weekly visit so I never had to see them face to face. The subject has never been brought up, but I know. I just. . . know.

Sorry Bro.

This Post Is Dedicated to:
"Mr. Good Vibe"
His vibe motor finally gave out
but he really gave it a good run.
R.I.P
In the county dump.

For All my Mail-Order Pals Out There. :)

Changes Being Made, Please Stand By

In light of recent events and the rapid influx visitors led here by google searches of the unsavory type I've made the decision to go Anonymous.

It was ok in the beginning of my blog (I thought) to have my picture up and be fun and free and all that but as the subject matter of my writing as changed over time it's come to my attention that I need to protect not only myself but my family and friends.

My blog pals that come here on a regular basis often refer to me by the first name in my IP address, (a lindy star is actually a simulated gem stone that was very popular in the 80's see to your right(and it's acutally spelled linde star but we all know I great I am with spelling!)) strangers often call me Danielle (Danielle is the screen name of one of the first bloggers that I started reading way back when) and others call me Hor.

I'd appreciate it if my super-great-and-wonderful-commenting pals would hence forth just call me Dhor. No, I'm not a hor in real life but for the sake of my identity and the sanity of my family I would appreciate if anyone that KNOWS my real-life name would refrain from using it. As for my IP address name and my blog header name I'd like to for-go the use of those as well for the sake of just plain not confusing new folks that come here.

One more is the nickname and name that I've used for my fiance. It wasn't very bright of me to ever type them here but I did and it's done (and has been edited out the best I can) but from now on I would appreciate if you would all just refer to him as C. (or any of my variations of burrito-boy, mexi-man, whatever ;)

Thanx to you all in advance for your respect and understanding.

Ok! That's enough of that, let's get back to business! :)